Page 1 of 18 [ 282 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 18  Next

dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 816
Location: Tarkon Galtos

12 Jun 2021, 10:56 am

I keep getting told that I'm too needy, and that I won't be able to have a successful relationship because I'm not emotionally ready or something like that. And I get it.

But here's the problem: I'm already 39. I'm going to be 40 in less than 1 year from now. That means that I'm rapidly running out of time. Very soon I'm going to be too old to date anyone who isn't already a grandma. i can't afford to patiently wait for everything to be right. Not any more.



DanielW
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2019
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 496
Location: PNW USA

12 Jun 2021, 11:19 am

There are plenty of people your own age who aren't grandparents yet. Unless you have some phobia dating someone your own age (or near it) you have plenty of time to work on your issues and start dating. You also don't necessarily need to do anything before you start dating. There are plenty of people out there with issues that are greater than your own, and you have to give them credit for trying even if they haven't found someone.



dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 816
Location: Tarkon Galtos

12 Jun 2021, 11:29 am

I wouldn't call it a phobia. But I never got to date young women when I was younger, and now I feel like I missed out on that forever and I hate that. I noticed that every woman I've felt attracted to in the past 5 years or so has been at least 10 years younger than me. I was 18 when my mother was my age, and the idea of going from never having any children to getting involved with the parent of a legal adult really weirds me out.



funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 13,384
Location: I'm right here

12 Jun 2021, 1:35 pm

dorkseid wrote:
getting involved with the parent of a legal adult really weirds me out.


It probably is much less of an investment for you since they're adults who don't need a parent.


_________________
the problem with capitalism is that eventually you run out of other people's resources and cheap labour to exploit
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う


dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 816
Location: Tarkon Galtos

12 Jun 2021, 2:43 pm

That's not the point. I like kids. I want to have a family where I can watch my children grow. I don't mind investing.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 77,134
Location: Queens, NYC

12 Jun 2021, 4:22 pm

You’d be surprised how many gray-haired men are pushing strollers in NYC…..



dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 816
Location: Tarkon Galtos

12 Jun 2021, 8:48 pm

Those are their grandchildren.



cyberdad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,101

12 Jun 2021, 8:57 pm

dorkseid wrote:
Those are their grandchildren.


:lol:



cyberdad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,101

12 Jun 2021, 9:05 pm

dorkseid wrote:
That's not the point. I like kids. I want to have a family where I can watch my children grow. I don't mind investing.


This is actually a valid point. I was in my mid 30s when I got married and this was certainly a driving force (plus pushy parents) for me to settle down.

Once women get past 35 their biological clock winds down. I feel for you as women past 40 there's little chance for having a kid.

I think you need to look at traditional cultures (rather than Americans) for a potential partner as there's plenty of cultures where 25yr old girls will be willingly to marry a 40 year old man.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,575
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

12 Jun 2021, 10:22 pm

When I was single & complaining about it, I was often told that I needed to work on myself before I could handle a relationship. The thing is that I had been working on myself but I was mostly just running in place & getting nowhere. Also the people who kept telling me to work on myself were telling me things that I needed to accomplish without telling me any steps on how to make those things happen other than things I had already tried or were completely unrealistic for me, like telling me that I needed to get my drivers license after mentioning that I'm extremely nearsighted even with glasses :roll:

I had NO desire at all to be in a relationship with a mom or a woman who was older than me. It is not uncommon for Aspie guys in relationships with NT women for the NT women to feel like they are forced to be moms or caretakers to their Aspie & resentment quickly starts festering. I also NEVER had a good relationship with my mom & the last thing I would want is for my romantic partner to treat me like I'm her failure of a son. I also really did NOT think I would have a chance with someone who had their sh!t together in life. Most people around my age tended to look down on me for being lazy even though I was trying my best & had no clue how to do anymore.

What eventually worked for me was getting in a romantic relationship with a woman who also has various issues & disabilities. She's aLOT more understanding & accepting than most women would be. Things are very far from perfect & life can be a major struggle sometimes but I am a better person with her in my life & I hope that she's better with me as well, I try my best. Both of us know we would have problems no matter who we would get in a relationship with so we are motivated to try & make things work. We also both really love each other & are there for each other. Also some things make us a very good match like we are both kinda clingy, needy, dependent, & very affectionate within romantic relationships. I think people like us are best suited for relationships with others who are also needy instead of very independent people. I'd much rather be with someone around my level than be with someone who is very opposite of me. The latter can cause lots of conflicts.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"

~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


idntonkw
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 29 Apr 2020
Age: 34
Posts: 473
Location: Boston

13 Jun 2021, 4:48 am

dorkseid wrote:
I keep getting told that I'm too needy, and that I won't be able to have a successful relationship because I'm not emotionally ready or something like that. And I get it.

But here's the problem: I'm already 39. I'm going to be 40 in less than 1 year from now. That means that I'm rapidly running out of time. Very soon I'm going to be too old to date anyone who isn't already a grandma. i can't afford to patiently wait for everything to be right. Not any more.


i keep thinking the same way i did when i was 18-20, and looking at women in their 20s as the only attractive ones i would have been interested in, i'd like to be that age and be able to have those dating experiences in order to move forward developmentally. however, that did not happen, so i am stuck in that age mentally. being single in your 20 really isn't normal for humans, as people historically married and had children younger. also, i have little interest in dating someone who physically looks exactly like my mom. but dating someone much younger, i'd feel like i am letting them down and they are wasting their time with me.

the same here, except i'm 5 years behind you.. i keep googling 'can you start bodybuilding at 40' and not liking the answers. some people miss out on jobs, college, etc. us adults with autism who can't date miss out on dating young women and marriage. people miss out on things all the time.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 77,134
Location: Queens, NYC

13 Jun 2021, 2:59 pm

No. Many times it’s their kids they are pushing in the stroller. I know…..because I’ve spoken to them.

I’m 60, and have no kid, and I know I can still raise a kid, even at my age. I’m physically capable.

I ran 5 miles today, and walked fast another 4 miles.



dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 816
Location: Tarkon Galtos

13 Jun 2021, 5:31 pm

nick007 wrote:

What eventually worked for me was getting in a romantic relationship with a woman who also has various issues & disabilities. She's aLOT more understanding & accepting than most women would be. Things are very far from perfect & life can be a major struggle sometimes but I am a better person with her in my life & I hope that she's better with me as well, I try my best. Both of us know we would have problems no matter who we would get in a relationship with so we are motivated to try & make things work. We also both really love each other & are there for each other. Also some things make us a very good match like we are both kinda clingy, needy, dependent, & very affectionate within romantic relationships. I think people like us are best suited for relationships with others who are also needy instead of very independent people. I'd much rather be with someone around my level than be with someone who is very opposite of me. The latter can cause lots of conflicts.


I have no problem dating someone who has a disability, given that she is the right person. We still need to have attraction and things in common. In some of your other posts, you openly said that you settled in your current relationship. That is what I want to avoid.



dorkseid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 816
Location: Tarkon Galtos

13 Jun 2021, 6:33 pm

cyberdad wrote:

I think you need to look at traditional cultures (rather than Americans) for a potential partner as there's plenty of cultures where 25yr old girls will be willingly to marry a 40 year old man.


That makes a lot of sense on paper. The problem is that I don't have the means to just up and relocate myself to some other part of the world where I don't know anyone or even speak the language, and have no idea what I'll do to support myself financially.



cyberdad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,101

13 Jun 2021, 8:56 pm

dorkseid wrote:
cyberdad wrote:

I think you need to look at traditional cultures (rather than Americans) for a potential partner as there's plenty of cultures where 25yr old girls will be willingly to marry a 40 year old man.


That makes a lot of sense on paper. The problem is that I don't have the means to just up and relocate myself to some other part of the world where I don't know anyone or even speak the language, and have no idea what I'll do to support myself financially.


I would start with looking for girls who are first generation immigrants where you live. Do you have a preference? pick a culture, eastern European girls for example are marriage focused.



Double Retired
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,560
Location: U.S.A.

13 Jun 2021, 9:18 pm

I gave up on finding a gal about age 40.

By my estimation guys have biological clocks, too. No man should have a child after they are 40 because (do the math) no 60-year old man should have to live with a teenager. And, these days the environmental activists say it's wrong to have children because they would have to live through environmental catastrophe. Even without that consideration, just because Society expects you to have children (with the personal and financial disruption that comes with them) doesn't make it compulsory. (Ask George Washington's kids.)

When I met my future bride we were both 42. I was not looking for romance, just for friendly conversation. Our conversation was wonderful. I left thinking we had "chemistry" but that...for several reasons...I would never see her again; I learned later that she really like our conversation, too, and was disappointed I didn't ask for her phone number (hey, I'm an Aspie--I admit don't understand social norms!).

Key words above "future bride"! And no kids, which probably helped me get to Double Retired sooner.


_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.