Is "settling" ever a good idea?

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Grisha
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27 Sep 2011, 3:10 pm

I've been so down on myself lately that I'm actually considering "settling" for a woman I know is interested in me romantically.

I am attracted to her physically enough to where functioning sexually won't be a problem, but I am completely uninspired by her personally - although she is really nice, I feel distant from her whenever we talk about anything.

I'm really on the fence about this. I really don't want to "use" someone to pull me out of this funk, but nothing else seems to be working...

Is it morally right to escalate a relationship with someone you're not really "in" to just to improve your own self-image?



zen_mistress
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27 Sep 2011, 3:13 pm

No.


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Grisha
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27 Sep 2011, 3:15 pm

zen_mistress wrote:
No.


You're right of course - it's funny the things you will consider doing when you're really hurt... :oops:



AnonymousPasserBy
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27 Sep 2011, 3:16 pm

Grisha wrote:
Is it morally right to escalate a relationship with someone you're not really "in" to just to improve your own self-image?

It isn't if you would hurt her afterwards when something better comes along. That would be selfish.



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27 Sep 2011, 3:17 pm

If you want moral righteousness you've come to the right place.



simon_says
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27 Sep 2011, 3:21 pm

I would see it as worthwhile to keep it at a bantering and flirting level to improve socializing with women. Or if you are upfront about just wanting some fun then it's also not a problem to go out.

If you mean as a long term thing? Probably not.



Mikelight
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27 Sep 2011, 3:23 pm

I think it depends on how well you know her. I think getting to know her better, maybe giving her a chance to win your heart might not be such a bad thing. If it were me I'd probably be up front about it. Just let her know that she's a nice girl and that I don't really have feelings for her but that I'd give it a chance. You won't be taking advantage of her if you're honest up front... but maybe that's just me... You might not want to take advice from someone who hasn't dated in 3 years :P



cathylynn
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27 Sep 2011, 3:24 pm

i might tell her that you're not interested in "forever" with her and see if she still wants a relationship on your terms. that way you need not have any qualms about "settling". the downside is, she might turn you away.

who knows? perhaps you will end up liking her more as you get to know her better.



zen_mistress
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27 Sep 2011, 3:28 pm

Grisha wrote:
zen_mistress wrote:
No.


You're right of course - it's funny the things you will consider doing when you're really hurt... :oops:


Even if she was mutually settling with you, it still wouldnt be a good idea. The relationship wont last, and a few years down the track you will end up separated from her, very unhappy and disillusioned.


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Surfman
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27 Sep 2011, 3:28 pm

You may grow to love her



Crow_T_Robot
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27 Sep 2011, 3:38 pm

As I found out the hard way, settling is never a good idea. Basically, you'll still end up alone after having hurt someone who was only guilty of liking you. Plus it might cause unforeseen complications down the road.


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Last edited by Crow_T_Robot on 27 Sep 2011, 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Rocky
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27 Sep 2011, 3:39 pm

cathylynn wrote:
i might tell her that you're not interested in "forever" with her and see if she still wants a relationship on your terms. that way you need not have any qualms about "settling". the downside is, she might turn you away.

who knows? perhaps you will end up liking her more as you get to know her better.


This is what I was going to post. On the other hand, if there is something about her that you know will prevent a long term relationship, I would keep it on a friendship level. I have done just that in a similar situation.


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emtyeye
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27 Sep 2011, 3:41 pm

I've had four long term relationships, two with women I was both strongly attracted to and inspired by their personality, and a two with women who I was somewhat attracted to sexually but at a loss on interpersonal connection. I'd advise against it, especially if she is really interested in you. You will probably find it hard to extricate yourself later and might wind up in a dismal ongoing relationship where she wants more and you want less. Especially if you are Aspie and have a hard time talking about or knowing your feelings. I spent 10 years in a relationship like this and regreat every minute in retrospect. Now I have been with someone for 14 years who I am both strongly attracted to and definite "soul mates". We have had some very rough times due in large part to me being undiagnosed Aspie and PTSD. But I regreat none of it.



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27 Sep 2011, 3:44 pm

I'm 48 and I have an 18yr old waitress very interested in me. Shes very cute with a great figure, smart, but our compatibility is low to middling

Most NT guys would think that I was crazy to not make a move on her...



Mikelight
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27 Sep 2011, 4:14 pm

Surfman wrote:
I'm 48 and I have an 18yr old waitress very interested in me. Shes very cute with a great figure, smart, but our compatibility is low to middling

Most NT guys would think that I was crazy to not make a move on her...


go for it



Willard
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27 Sep 2011, 4:19 pm

Redacted.



Last edited by Willard on 01 Oct 2011, 9:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.