Scared to either end or stay in a marriage

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AussieAspie
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10 Nov 2012, 11:46 pm

Hi everyone,
I became married for the second time on the 16th of April this year. I have AS along with severe depression and anxiety. Ever since I have been remarried I feel as though I made a huge mistake. Its not because I do not love my wife, its because I feel as though I don't fit into the kind of life she wants to live.

I am not and will never be the same kind of person that she would like me to be. I'm talking about her wanting me to lead a normal life without getting obsessed with my own ideas and habits. I feel very very disassociated with not only my wife but everyone else I know on a personal level.

This has led to me feeling suicidal on 50% of the days of this year. Is that an unusually high amount of suicidal thinking?

I know you will all demand that I see a doctor right away and then a psyciatrist, but all they will do is give me heavy medication that will make me disassociate even more.

I don't talk to my wife about these feelings very often because (a) she would say the same as above ^, or (b) she would think I hate her and that I want to leave her.

I do sometimes want to leave her, but that wouldn't help my state of mind it would only fill me with fear and guilt. I feel very trapped as though If I talk to others about it and she finds out, she will hate me anyway.

Maybe I should have put this in the haven?

Anyone have any suggestions at all?



Brianruns10
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11 Nov 2012, 12:09 am

Seek a marriage counselor. I hear there are even some that specialize in marriages with partners who are on the spectrum. Most of all you must communicate with your partner. That's half the battle. She may be feeling confused or upset or not understand what you're going through, and it's important she know what's up, that it's not her fault, and you both need to work things out.



AussieAspie
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11 Nov 2012, 12:15 am

I know I need to talk to her about it, its just going to be hard as she will take it all personally and think its her fault that I don't fit her reality.

P.s wish me luck with talking to her lol



PTSmorrow
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11 Nov 2012, 2:47 am

As you describe it, she wants you to fake NT and, even worse, fulfill her expectations. That's very abusive. You're neither her slave nor a dog she can teach tricks. It's not the purpose of an interaction, may it be friendship, relationship, or marriage, that one person is going to sacrifice themselves in order to make the other one happy. If that's what your wife expects, you're better off without her.



Chronos
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11 Nov 2012, 3:37 am

AussieAspie wrote:
Hi everyone,
I became married for the second time on the 16th of April this year. I have AS along with severe depression and anxiety. Ever since I have been remarried I feel as though I made a huge mistake. Its not because I do not love my wife, its because I feel as though I don't fit into the kind of life she wants to live.

I am not and will never be the same kind of person that she would like me to be. I'm talking about her wanting me to lead a normal life without getting obsessed with my own ideas and habits. I feel very very disassociated with not only my wife but everyone else I know on a personal level.

This has led to me feeling suicidal on 50% of the days of this year. Is that an unusually high amount of suicidal thinking?

I know you will all demand that I see a doctor right away and then a psyciatrist, but all they will do is give me heavy medication that will make me disassociate even more.

I don't talk to my wife about these feelings very often because (a) she would say the same as above ^, or (b) she would think I hate her and that I want to leave her.

I do sometimes want to leave her, but that wouldn't help my state of mind it would only fill me with fear and guilt. I feel very trapped as though If I talk to others about it and she finds out, she will hate me anyway.

Maybe I should have put this in the haven?

Anyone have any suggestions at all?


Are you sure your wife actually wants you to be a different person, or does she want you to make some changes that you feel entails you being a different person because those changes are difficult for you?

I had a friend who, at one point in life swore that he would never were a suit and tie because that wasn't who he was as a person. A few years later he was wearing a suit and tie in the company photo, at the request of his boss, and we can both conclude, it did not make him a different person. It wasn't his style but he did not have to change who he was to put the suit on, nor did putting the suit on change who he was.

Frequently, I believe that NTs might have requests of us that might seem mundane to them, but might entail us doing something that stresses us or that we struggle with. Because those on the spectrum often have different stressors than NTs, I think it's important to communicate to your wife things that stress you that wouldn't stress most people. It's important to understand, however, that there will be requests for you to do things that stress you, but that you must do none the less. Marriage is about compromise on the part of both individuals, so I recommend you sit down with your wife and communicate to her your difficulties and seek to find a compromise. Women are usually more than willing to help their husbands work through things, or accommodate some of their difficulties, but husbands have to be more willing to communicate these things.



Esther
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11 Nov 2012, 1:29 pm

From reading this, I don't understand why you got married (again).

:shrug:



AussieAspie
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13 Nov 2012, 9:06 pm

Reply to Esther,

Your right, I said I think I made a huge mistake.

Only thing is if I break things up now I will have to live with the guilt of wrecking 2 marriages and leaving 2 kids with my first wife. Thats why I feel trapped and scared.



thewhitrbbit
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14 Nov 2012, 12:03 am

Quote:
I am not and will never be the same kind of person that she would like me to be. I'm talking about her wanting me to lead a normal life without getting obsessed with my own ideas and habits. I feel very very disassociated with not only my wife but everyone else I know on a personal level.


Can you explain this more? What exactly does she want you to be?



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14 Nov 2012, 12:31 am

I would see a marriage counsellor as suggested. Perhaps you need to convey how you feel to her so she can adjust her own actions and mindset accordingly :)


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aspiesandra27
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14 Nov 2012, 1:46 am

When it's wrong....it's wrong. Trying to patch things up is just a waste of time.I know because I have been in that same situation. It took me a long time to leave because of guilt and because I thought maybe things would change. But they were only chnaging for the worse because everything my husband did and wanted me to do was increasingly making me more anxious, irritated and withdrawn. It took me 11 years after separating to even be able to think about being with anyone else. Relationships are *so* hard. :cry:



AussieAspie
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14 Nov 2012, 7:04 am

Reply to thewhitrbbit, and others,

I have talked with her at length before discussing some of the problems I have dealing with information overload. I have tried to explain that as soon as I wake up and get out of bed is not the right time to bombard me with issues ranging between family disputes to financial matters. It will take me all of 1 minute to reach non tolerable limits of information overload. I've discussed with her that several things stress me out and several things help to ease my stress levels.

Its like everything I say to her is not taken in because the next day after a talk, I will end up totally overloaded because she will put me through the same stressful situations again. But then when I'm at breaking point, instead of leaving me alone she keeps talking, keeps joking, keeps stressing me out more and more.

This is my second marriage and I still say that I love her but just like my first marriage I can't handle being with someone who is opposite in nature to me eg, outgoing, social butterfly, chatterbox, bla bla kind of person.

Now I pose a new question:

Did I make a mistake getting married again and if so what do I do about it now, besides marriage councelling?

Every time I've asked either my first or second wife to come to councelling with me the answer has been straight out No, theres nothing wrong with them its just me and then the marriage really did fall apart.



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14 Nov 2012, 7:53 am

was there some point in the relationship in which you were responding to her as she desired (when she was bombarding you with issues and so on), and now you no longer wish to comply? or were you never able to do so?

it is a familiar pattern of aspie marriages, where the aspie partner puts in this herculean effort for a certain period of time, then is not able to sustain it long-term. the NT is left wondering what they did wrong, or what changed, when in fact the aspie just sorta burned out.

if this is your situation, i don't know what to advise other than to stop pretending to be something other than your real self at the beginning of relationships, because your pretense is unsustainable and unfair (to both yourself and to your partner). i don't know if this current relationship is fixable, but suicide seems a bit over-the-top when divorce, separation, marriage counselling, individual counselling, etc are still viable options.


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Maerlyn138
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14 Nov 2012, 8:24 am

When I started dating again and then met my current fiancee one of my rules to myself was to be completely myself. Drop the shields, no pretending to gain favor, nothing. Just be me. Because for marriages 1 and 2 I ended up having to be someone I was not and that is what eventually led to the end of the relationships. Now I am being myself. My fiancee loves me for who I am, which I am still amazed at. I do find myself unconsciously putting up a front every once in awhile, but I am able to recognize it and squash it. i tell myself that I have to be honest no matter what. Even if it comes to ending the engagement and moving on. It's no good to have to fake who you are.


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