Damn it, I think she likes me......

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Duncan
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03 Nov 2012, 4:46 pm

and I think I like her too. I just have no idea what to do about it.

So there is girl Sarah that I have spoken about before on here.

Since my last update I worked/ worked out/ experienced the following:

-Myself and Sarah have bonded over both having an Irish background in a community where they are few of us Irish.

- We're also bonded on a number of other things like her job and Japanese culture.

- She'll come looking for me and tell me where she going to be on group night outs.

- More recently.... I half arsedily asked her along to the pub then when she arrived I walked out the door because I forgot I had asked to the pub. When I spoke to her, she seems upset about it but hid it. ( I think at least)

-She's one of the most popular girls among the boys but considered to be a 'home wrecker' among the girls.

Personally I think me and Sarah would make a great couple but there is so much getting in the way.

She clearly has come kind of issues with commitment, nothing wrong that per se but that doesn't make her girlfriend material. I have a number of big problems right now too....

The real trouble is that I think she might have fallen for me. Don't get me wrong I really like her too but I'm not sure I can take on board someone loving me that much that quickly..... I also don't want to let her down because I think it's gone past the point of no return for her feelings. Most of all, I don't want to miss this opportunity with this perfect girl for me



LoriB
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03 Nov 2012, 6:06 pm

I truly don't want to seem negative with my response. Because sometimes people for from one person to another looking for the right one. I do not know her or you so I am just throwing something out there for you to consider. If she is popular with guys at work and is considered a home wrecker please be sure she doesn't just want you because she can't have you. As one of the difficulties of being Aspie is often being able to "read" someone I would hate to see you get used and hurt.

Now you have said she is not girlfriend material... If you like her and want to have a few dates nothing wrong with that and most likely she will want you more because you don't want her. She will likely want to be serious about you because you are not all over her. Have fun, wear a condom, and be careful with your heart



revertigo
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03 Nov 2012, 6:36 pm

LoriB makes a very good point about some people wanting what they cannot have. Aspergians are actualy very prone to attracting a particular type of girl because they see us as this kind of unique, dark, mysterious and troubled soul who they cannot have but want so badly.
I know it may make you depressed and you already have enough on your plate but watch twilight and pay attention to the girls attraction to the guy she percieves to have these qualities. If you can see similarity between your girl and the one in the movie then I would recomend against. However if you do not see any similarities maybe give her a chance maybe? For the time being the safest bet is to just keep doing what your doing and let her come to you and let her escalate things herself so you can sit back and examine her.
I also agree with LoriB "Have fun, wear a condom, and be careful with your heart" and I recommend if you remember nothing else it's that.
A lot of books and movies are out with the antagonist being the same girl traits towards a guy she cannot have but get's in the end. Twilight, 50 Shades of grey, all that crap.



Duncan
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03 Nov 2012, 6:44 pm

LoriB wrote:
I truly don't want to seem negative with my response. Because sometimes people for from one person to another looking for the right one. I do not know her or you so I am just throwing something out there for you to consider. If she is popular with guys at work and is considered a home wrecker please be sure she doesn't just want you because she can't have you. As one of the difficulties of being Aspie is often being able to "read" someone I would hate to see you get used and hurt.

Now you have said she is not girlfriend material... If you like her and want to have a few dates nothing wrong with that and most likely she will want you more because you don't want her. She will likely want to be serious about you because you are not all over her. Have fun, wear a condom, and be careful with your heart


LoriB you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there, what if I'm wrong ? And should I be even be considered as girlfriend material at all considering her preparation. I'm quite happy to accept I'm wrong because that would be the easy answer. I could even blame aspie nature for my wrongness. ( On a side note may be getting myself reassessed because I'm not so sure that I am in fact that much of an aspie.)

The thing that troubles more is what if I'm right ? And could she a better a girlfriend then everyone including myself thinks she could be ?



LoriB
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03 Nov 2012, 7:54 pm

Humm... I am NT... I am a very emotional thinker (now don't read that as a drama queen or a cryer... I just mean I go on gut feel) I have about a 99% accuracy rating. I read people like nobodies business. I don't even have to know her. Now office romances can be fun. You fall for the hot guy in the next department.. ok.. no biggie.. happens twice.. **shrugs** ok.... but you develop a reputation for being a home wrecker... You are "popular" with all the guys... sorry but most NT guys in that situation just wanna to have sex with her. If she is sleeping with married men.... She might be fun to fool around with (AGAIN CONDOM) you might have some laughs but DO NOT give that girl your heart. Now I am not saying avoid her. The guy I dated before my boyfriend I knew the first day we met "I want this one, but I will never keep him" I knew he was not the settle down and live together/marry type. I had the most amazing year and a half. I had fun, the sex was wild and I have memories that will last me a lifetime. In the end one night I said to myself (literally) "Lori, as long as you keep the wrong one you will never have the right one" and my boyfriend came into my life that same night. (no I did not see them both at the same time. I had broken it off with the first guy but was still spending time with him and never did again after meeting my boyfriend) If you do this go into it knowing that it will not last. If you end up being wrong then so what.. but you need to protect your heart. what I keep seeing here and I know my boyfriend did many times over.. You guys are sooo sweet and loving and you want to see the good and you end up getting dumped all over and hurt. Don't go into it trying to decide if she is "girlfriend" material. Decide if you can be content with being what it is she has to offer and if I am wrong about her then feel free to come back here and tell me so. But I doubt that will happen.



Tsproggy
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03 Nov 2012, 10:07 pm

Oh what a burden your carry upon your shoulders. Because relationships have no wiggle room right? Because these things can't be explained and worked on with your better half. I suggest you talk to her rather then us. You forgot a majority of us are social outcasts right?



Duncan
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04 Nov 2012, 6:34 am

Tsproggy your right I do a have a lot on my shoulders, I feel really sorry for her. I come here for an unbiased sounding board for my opinions because they are few people in the group I can talk about this issue. Most of the girls dislike her and even bully her. The other boys are in competition with me over her so their opinions are questionable too.

LoriB I'm doing everything I can NOT give her my heart. Before I even met her, I knew she was trouble. I was living in another city at the time and my best friend spent most of this year chasing her with no successful even when you started a relationship with another girl. Eventually I had to tell him to move on. Yet, still she has my attention when I know its going to end in heartache.

I'm doing best to put her to one side for the time being but I want to be ready within myself when the crunch time comes which I suspect is going to be either Christmas or New Year's even the speed the flirting is going at. I want to sure in myself what to do if and when she offers herself to me.


In meanwhile I'm still chasing other girls, I even have a date with another girl this Wednesday ( My 25th birthday). Yet still, Sarah sticks firmly in my thoughts.....



Duncan
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09 Nov 2012, 10:19 am

UPDATE:

After a day full of flirty texts with Sarah, I'm more certain than ever she likes in a genuinely romantic way. The five messages that sealed the deal for me follow: (Note, I'm quoting a bit of context for sake of privacy but I had been flirting with her all day at this point.)

Sarah: Yeah, God help me if I were to fall for you x

Me: Who says I'm interested ? :P x

Note: The message below is the first time she appeared to be openly and genuinely vulnerable around me as her tone was completely different from everything else.

Sarah: Your flirting and don't forget you recently asked me out x

Me: Guess I do like you then. I don't want to presume anything about your feelings. However if anything does happen between us I don't want to rush into it x

Sarah: That is fine by me x


The fact she didn't run a mile when I openly admitted I liked her is a great sign for me coupled with the fact she happy with taking it slow makes more certain than ever she like me. I'm still clueless to what about her but I'll just have to figure that out in time.


Second opinion are welcome too, I want to cover all bases.



JanuaryMan
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09 Nov 2012, 10:24 am

There's a home wrecker that likes me, and it's because I'm nice and understanding to her BUT I am also out of her league. Otherwise I don't think she likes me at all. She knows nothing about me and has zero interest in what I do.

I would avoid this girl as if you do hit it off the novelty will wear thing for her most likely and she will just go back to her old ways after trying for 1 or 2 weeks to impress you and "turn a leaf". You will be heartbroken and get the impression all women are like her even though they aren't and even though you don't believe that now.

But hey if all you're gonna do is go on a few dates and maybe have sex once and not rush into things, sure why not try it out if you feel up to it and have a thick skin :) whatever it is you're going to do all the best.



Duncan
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09 Nov 2012, 2:50 pm

JanuaryMan : First off, love your avatar!

Secondly you made a good point about her turning over a new leaf, at least in general. When it comes down to it, this the last major barrier holding us both back. For me, I don't want to get into a messy complex mess with her. For Sarah, whether or not her negative reputation holds water that kind of gossip can't be good for her self esteem. So if she ever wanted change her she might feel unable to achieve she wants. Again, I feel sorry for her.


I do however feel that she just MIGHT be turning over that new leaf. This whole thing between me and Sarah has going since June pretty much. I have noticed a number changes in her behaviour since that time. Some of might be down to her getting the job she actually wants to do and trained to do. Some of it might down to me not letting her play silly games with me and yet still show her affection. Who knows exactly... She also just moved out of her parent's house. All these factors could give her the motivation to change her ways.

I'm also not entirely convinced that her reputation is all that other people make it to be. Ever since I've known her I've had doubts, back then it didn't matter either way. Now it does, so once the dust has settled on the events of the past days. I will be talking to her about her reputation because I need to know as I ONLY want a relationship with her. I can't handle a fling with her or anyone in my friendship circle. "Don't crap where you eat" :lol:



Last edited by Duncan on 09 Nov 2012, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JanuaryMan
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09 Nov 2012, 3:37 pm

Well spoken, friend :)

Yeah I think if you get that clear from the beginning about what it is you both want, and ask why people say what they do at least it will put you in a position where you know if it can or can't work and whether or not to move forward :)



Duncan
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09 Nov 2012, 4:13 pm

Well thank you to all of you for a good sounding board to help work out what to do next with Sarah.

I come here for honest and unbiased opinions, all of you provided.

I will let you know how it goes because it could be a big step forward for me.



Bison554
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09 Nov 2012, 6:46 pm

Haha, have fun with it and remember social labels are not always accurate. The ability to communicate easily with someone is a rare occurrence. Maybe she's considered a homewrecker because of the lust other guys display and not any particular action on her part (girlfriends tend to get pissed if their boyfriends eye another women). Take her at her word and you may find yourself with one of the most important relationships in your life, or at least some practice at establishing and maintaining a relationship. A large percentage of the predictable outcomes are positive, but inaction is certain to be a negative. Don't let fear control your happiness, you owe her one good date anyhow. So take her somewhere you can both feel comfortable and be happy to spend time with her.



Duncan
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13 Nov 2012, 7:05 pm

So I spoke to Sarah and turns out that for the most part I was right. I'm still a little cautious in regards to her reputation but in some ways it work for me. I'm not going to be massively surprised if something goes wrong down the road. On the plus side too, anything good she does with me or for me will more impressive because it feel like she trying harder with me.

After the conversation I felt we had bonded and started to develop a trusting relationship. I really felt she left her guard down completely more than once in that conversation. She told me that she regretted and blamed herself for a failed relationship with my close friend Alex. I never expected that she would even be willing to discuss it, let alone be that honest about she felt about the failed relationship. Some way into the conversation I begin to realise that self esteem was a major problem for her. It shouldn't because is a nice girl that has achieved something worthwhile in her life. So after the deeper part had finished, just before I signed off for the night. I said to her "you are good enough! Learn to love your flaws because they make you unique and your uniqueness makes you great :)". She said that was the nicest thing I had ever said to her and thanked me.

So I'm hoping it is just a matter of time before get together. I have to remind her I can equally playful as I am serious because I have been fairly serious recently. I do however want to talk her about the times I know I've pissed her off but I'm no great rush to discuss it as hopefully she's forgiven me. Bringing any serious topics again is going to hurt me for the time being because it will just scare her.

Let's just hope she likes me as much I think she does......

Next stop: Being fun and playful with Sarah. I can't wait! :lol: