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Agapimeni
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06 Jan 2013, 7:29 pm

Hello, I have been trying to find a topic related to what I need help with lately but I can't seem to find anything recent. And there's far too many pages... anyway, I decided to start a new topic. I am 32, woman, living, working and studying in England although not British. For the last two months I've been living in a shared house, and this Aspie man shares the house with me (there's two more people though). I had no idea what Asperger's was before I met him. He's younger, very mysterious - in the sense he does not talk at all, only if I initiate conversation and even then he sometimes walks away without answering. He's pretty much caved into his room. He had a succesful university career, he's quite good at maths, but apparently after that he has just been doing nothing. At first he intimidated me but I have a big crush on him now because even if he does not talk to me he looks at me smiling, always, and he's damn handsome when he does that. I've actually become quite awkward around him, I can't think anymore, I just blatter nonsense. And I know I'm an attractive woman, I usually love to flirt and talk to people.

So, my problem is: how do I approach someone who is so utterly unsociable? I've read about Asperger's and apparently Aspies usually have problems when it comes to love, affection, sex, because they feel over-stimulated (?) I have the feeling this man is interested in me because of how he looks at me and because every time I've asked him to do things together, go to the cinema, watch a movie in my room, play games, he's always accepted. Ok, I realize all of this does not mean he likes me for sure. But I will assume he does for now. I've no way of knowing really. I've even asked him but he has not answered.

The attempts I've made so far are the following: I've written him notes about doing things together (sociably), and recently a confession of my attraction to him. He has of course never answered and when I enquired about them he told me he is not bothered by them. I asked him if I could kiss him the first time we watched a movie together. He was shocked, hid his face in his hands and just kept repeating "no". I kind of calmed him down and then that was the end of it. Until I just kissed him without asking a few weeks later. He did nothing, didn't kiss back, didn't reciprocate my hug. And he didn't push me back either. He only laughed a bit nervously. I understand this is common behaviour. Upon leaving the room I just told him I had liked the "moment". I wanted to let him know that even if he did not do anything I still enjoyed being close to him, which is true.

I'm not sure what I can do now. I could let the whole thing drop but I really like this guy. He's probably not the man of my life but at this moment I'd like to be caring and loving and physical with him. Just before I kissed him I asked him if I made him feel uneasy, and he said everyone makes him feel uneasy. There must be some way around this? Or, even better, some way to help him not feel uneasy? Any advice will help, thank you :)



Tequila
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06 Jan 2013, 7:34 pm

I wouldn't bother trying to seduce, you're wasting your time and his. Go for the ultra-direct approach.

I think you need one of these:

Image

Just tell him straight out. No ambiguity, no flimflam, no nonsense. Leave him with nowhere to assume a different meaning - if necessary, leave him alone for a while to collect his thoughts and see where it goes. If he says 'no', just let it be.



Last edited by Tequila on 06 Jan 2013, 7:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.

ruckus
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06 Jan 2013, 7:35 pm

You seem to be under the assumption that he definitely reciprocates your feelings, but just because somebody is introverted or has autism doesn't mean they are incapable of expressing how they feel. I think his blunt "no" when you asked if you could kiss him is pretty clear. Even if he is interested he clearly isn't comfortable with taking things that far right now. Starting a relationship with housemates is awkward at the best of times but when it's this one sided I fear it can only lead to disaster.



Last edited by ruckus on 07 Jan 2013, 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tequila
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06 Jan 2013, 7:36 pm

ruckus wrote:
You seem to be under the assumption that he definitely reciprocates your feelings, but just because somebody is introverted or has autism doesn't mean they are incapable of expressing how they feel.


I do think it would be good if the OP gets a straight answer one way or the other though, as it sounds like she's pulling her hair out.



izzeme
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06 Jan 2013, 7:42 pm

first things first; noone can tell you how to approuch 'your' aspie; we are at least as different to each other as two random neurotypicals (non-autistics), everything you will get told here is general or specific to the poster and may or may not apply to your situation.

now, i think you started on the right track by taking the initiative; typically, aspies are bad at understanding hints and subtilities; it is very likely that he thinks your invites to the cinema and what have you were simply attempts to get him to socialise as friends, but nothing more.
tell him directly what you want from him, and give him time to think of an answer; normal strategies wont work; if you want to have sex with him; tell him just that, then leave it to sink in, and ask if he would want to a few days later, after he had time to think about it.

if you truly want a relationship, i must admit i do not even know how that would work, but it seems you have a good chance seeing as you weren't pushed away when you tried to hug or kiss; if your housemate wasn't at least at close friendship level with you, he'd have flinched away as soon as you touched him (most likely).

long story short: leave your hints and subtilities at the door and go for it; take the lead, you'll know if he doesn't want to, but he'll never tell you if he does



mfs1013
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06 Jan 2013, 7:45 pm

I would say, just sit down with him and have a really long conversation with him, talk about some of the stuff he's interested in...

also tell him you are not victimizing him, he has to know that you are not going to embarrass or bully him, keep things private between you and him


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Grisha
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06 Jan 2013, 8:11 pm

I'm with Tequila - don't be afraid to smack him with the Obvious Stick. :wink:

Never underestimate the social cluelessness of an Aspie...



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06 Jan 2013, 8:22 pm

Go to the home page and read the topic directly above yours on the right hand sidebar. I feel these two topics might inter-relate.



Last edited by MountainLaurel on 08 Jan 2013, 8:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

incorrigible
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06 Jan 2013, 8:26 pm

mfs1013 wrote:

also tell him you are not victimizing him,


Why lie? She doesn't take no for an answer. She's victimizing him. She wants what she wants from him and isn't thinking any further than that.

If you actually care about him, back off. Write a letter that he can go back to and reread in the future as he sees fit. Explain that you are interested in a romantic relationship any time he feels ready, and give him some clear actions he can take to signal his interest (such as writing you a letter, holding your hand, something subtle but obvious and low pressure). Then progress with the non-sexual relationship he's comfortable with. Maybe, eventually, in the future he will want something with more sexual components. Maybe he won't. Maybe it's just you, and maybe he just doesn't have strong sexual urges to begin with. Either accept whatever he is, or move on, but don't manipulate him into things he's not comfortable with. How is that even an option in your mind?


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MountainLaurel
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06 Jan 2013, 9:00 pm

Quote:
Just before I kissed him I asked him if I made him feel uneasy, and he said everyone makes him feel uneasy. There must be some way around this?

For those autistic folks who are particularly socially remote and working towards stronger social connections, it is lifelong work. They get better at it. But, no, there's no way around it. It's better described as long-term struggle than working around it. And, not all autistics choose that battle.



Tequila
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06 Jan 2013, 9:05 pm

Grisha wrote:
I'm with Tequila - don't be afraid to smack him with the Obvious Stick. :wink:

Never underestimate the social cluelessness of an Aspie...


True, but if he says 'no' when asked point-blank, he's said no. Continuing to pursue someone who clearly isn't interested is abusive and is absolutely no different to a man harassing a woman for sex.



Last edited by Tequila on 06 Jan 2013, 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mfs1013
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06 Jan 2013, 9:06 pm

ask him if he has had a bad experience in the past with being bullied in school


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Shizz
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06 Jan 2013, 9:58 pm

ask him to play games with you or watch a comedy



Cuckooflower
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06 Jan 2013, 11:32 pm

Judging by my own experience with an Aspie man, I would say he likes you.

Chances are, he is very inexperienced. When I was very inexperienced, this (much older, very experienced) man kissed me, and I didn't move my lips or anything. I was frozen. Didn't mean I didn't want it- I did. And I wasn't terribly young at that time, I was 21.

He wouldn't go on those trips with you and so on if he didn't like you. Aspies aren't really like that, not unless they're being completely overpowered, but it doesn't sound that way from what you've described.

Plus, to say your note ''didn't bother'' him seems to me like face value. Like he really doesn't mind. He just may not be sure how he feels about you, or about relationships in general.

I would suggest you ask him quite directly how he feels and tell him how you feel. But don't expect miracles. Even with experienced Aspie men it's like ''training a monkey'' as someone put it to me recently, and you need A LOT of patience.

Also, I suggest you order Rudy Simone's ''22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger Syndrome''.

Good luck. Let us know!! He sounds sweet.


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Cuckooflower
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06 Jan 2013, 11:39 pm

Tequila wrote:
Grisha wrote:
I'm with Tequila - don't be afraid to smack him with the Obvious Stick. :wink:

Never underestimate the social cluelessness of an Aspie...


True, but if he says 'no' when asked point-blank, he's said no. Continuing to pursue someone who clearly isn't interested is abusive and is absolutely no different to a man harassing a woman for sex.



I completely disagree.
You're taking one point out of a larger context. I would say everything else she has described points to the fact that he likes her but is very inexperienced.

She didn't just say he ''said no''. She said ''was shocked, hid his face in his hands and just kept repeating "no". ''
To me, this is classic autistic behaviour, and also signifies; fear, embarassment, shyness, social ineptness and lack of experience. Covering one's face is a very autistic thing, and is done when someone cannot cope with what is going on around them or cannot cope with the social expectation of an interaction.

It DOES mean he's vulnerable and very inexperienced. It DOESN'T mean he doesn't like her and doesn't actually want to be touched romantically.

I would say it's more the fact that he's less experienced than her and is vulnerable that she needs to be taking into account, not whether or not he's interested, because he may very well be.

That's my take.


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Autinger
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07 Jan 2013, 12:07 am

Ha I was amazed to see people react to this "negatively", I almost started crying reading this script for a romance movie.

I say he's in to you too, no way he would have hung out with you all those times in the first place, or after you shocked him let alone after you kissed him again.

The way you're describing him says to me he's having a hard time telling apart "normal friend hugs/kisses" and "flirting as to probe the possibilities for a relationship". He's probably working overtime trying to figure out which you mean, but he never will till you flat out tell him. So my suggestion is just tell him straight out "I like you "special" very much, I like to kiss you, hug you, be around you and only you". (if that's your intentions of course) Saying you "liked the moment" probably makes him think you liked -that particular- moment, as if you have random kissing moments with anyone you hang out with. You need to make clear your intentions were out of interest and not because you're a flirty person.

So -no- "you can probably tell how I feel about you by the way I've been acting" because that's 100% gibberish, (unless you've learned that someone only says something like that when they're "specially interested", except of course if he's/she's been shoving poop in your mailbox.. although some people do weird stuff to show their affection.. hmm.. I think I'm wondering off and the point was pretty much made already.)


So to recap: YAY FOR LOVE, NAY FOR.. NO LOVE!