The power of positive thinking

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Roxas_XIII
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28 Feb 2013, 3:16 am

[Note to mods: this post isn't necessarily about relationships, although one of my relationships has a big part in this story. Feel free to move this as necessary.]

So hey everyone. There's something I wanted to share with you all, that I think you'll want to hear. A good story for those who are down on their luck.


So if anyone has been following the posts I've made since about October of last year, you'll be familiar with my ongoing saga with my friend and ex-gf, hereafter referred to as Kyuuketsuki-hime or simply Kyuuchan (Believe the first is Japanese for 'vampire princess'). However, more likely you haven't really cared enough to pay attention and therefore have no clue what the f**k I'm talking about. So here's some backstory. Basically, there were some issues between me and her that basically led to her breaking up with me. However, when she did break up with me, she told me, in no uncertain terms, that she was fine with being my friend for now, but that she just couldn't handle me as a romantic partner, for various reasons.

Well, I was hurt, I'll admit. However, I took heart in the words that she had said, that she believed everyone had the capacity to change. These words came after I asked her if this was permanent, or if I still had a chance to be in a relationship with her down the road. Her response was "Not as you are now, but give it some time. People change, you know."

For a while I struggled with establishing the proper boundaries of a platonic friendship after having been used to being able to touch her, kiss her, etc. Things took a turn for the worse when a mutual friend of ours asked her out, and they began dating. He told me that he didn't intend for it to be serious, and that he was leaving at the end of next semester anyway. However, he may have been pulling the wool over my eyes (see details of this below).

Anyways, the drama between Kyuuchan and I also put me at odds with a majority of my friends, which culminated with my being kicked out of the Anime Club at the college after everyone pretty much had had enough of me. However, Kyuuchan and a select few of my other, closer friends still stood by me even then.

So sometime over the break, when everyone was away and I had time to myself, I began thinking, looking within myself to try and analyse what had happened, what I had done to cause her to push me away, what her true intentions were for breaking our relationship (as well as how she thought about the guy above, whom I'll call 'C', with whom she was now in an official relationship with, Facebook status and all), and what I could to do improve my image in her eyes.

Well, I started by trying to pinpoint the problems I had. In the end, it all came down to this: Immaturity. I mean here I was, 21 years old, but sometimes I had the temperment of someone younger than 12. I was always throwing fits, causing drama, getting pissed when things didn't go the way I had planned in my head, automatically assuming the worst-case scenario anytime an otherwise minor problem appeared, and fretting over things that I had no control over.

It's a long list, I know. However, over the course of the break, something... I'm not sure what... but something inspired me to start looking at things in a more positive light. It started with my tendency to assume WCS with any situation, as mentioned above. It used to be, whenever I would call Kyuuchan and she would not answer, I would freak out and automatically assume she was pissed at me for some reason, even though 9 times out of 10 she was just too busy or in the middle of doing something, or had merely forgotten to charge her cell phone. This lead to incidents where by the time she finally got back to me, I had made myself into an nervous wreck worrying about whether or not she would ever care to call me back.

The second thing I worked on was letting small stuff go. Basically, I would stress about anything and everything and over time it would build up until I would lash out psychologically. It had already cost me a job, and had also put me on the shitlist for a second one.

However - and I'm not sure exactly how I did this, since it was something I was never able to accomplish despite multiple anger management classes over my entire life, from kindergarten to HS - I managed to get to the point where, even if bad things happen, I would try not to let them determine my mood for the remainder of the day, and if people antagonized me I would blow them off. Or, as Kyuuchan put it, "Open up Task Manager in my brain and disable the process 'giveadamn.exe'*"

And it worked. Oh, did it work. I went from being next in line to be fired to one of my boss's favorites. It worked with my friends as well, they were more willing to be honest and straight with me once I proved to them that I wasn't going to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat.

But the most astounding part was this: the more I tried to change my outlook, to try and think positively and think/act with less cynicism and pessimism, the better things seemed to be going in my life. I started getting along better with my parents, I was able to make a decision concerning my college career (changing majors to Computer Information Systems and aiming for an IT certification, in the hopes that the business tech plaza being planned here in Laramie would attract IT jobs that I could possibly be hired for), and Kyuuchan went from straight up avoiding me to enjoying spending time with me, to the point where she actually started contacting ME to ask to do things together, something she had not done since our breakup.

Fast forward to tonight. I had had a really bad day yesterday, but had gone to sleep with the same thought that I've fallen asleep to for some time now: tomorrow is a new day. And it was, and it was actually a great day. Yesterday, I had gotten my bike jacked, spent four hours at work dealing with middle-management misunderstandings as well as irate customers in what had to be the biggest clusterf**k of a work shift I had had this year, and later found out that I had accidentally overdrafted my bank account. Today, however, not only did work go well, but my classes did too, and to top it off I got a call from the campus police saying they had found my stolen bike and were holding it for me to go pick up.

So you can understand that this was a really good day. However, I was curious as to how Kyuuchan felt things were going. She had been spending more time with me recently, and seemed to be really enjoying my company, although that isn't really all that different from how she treats all of her friends.

So on my way to get my bike back from the cops I stopped by her dorm and sat down and talked with her for a bit. The first question I asked her was about our breakup. She had told me she had been considering it for some time before she actually did it, but I don't think it was out of spite, otherwise she wouldn't be friends with me now. So I asked her why she had hesitated, and she said "Because you really were an amazing guy when you weren't acting immature." She also told me that she thought that I had definitely been making progress toward acting my age, though she did say I still had a ways to go. She gave me some tips on how to read people - something I really struggle with for obvious reasons - and re-assured me that she still believed that I had it in me, but that she couldn't just get me to be a mature, responsible adult, I had to figure out how to do that on my own.

So it does seem that she at least still views me as a good friend, and that she's recognized the progress that I've made. It also seems like the chances of us re-uniting as lovers may not be so slim after all. For one thing, she told me that she was done with C, to the point where she was actively trying to avoid spending time with him, and had pretty much all but said she was breaking up with him. She said that C seriously came across as kind of a sociopath to her, and that she wasn't the only one who felt this way, the rest of our circle was starting to have issues with him too. As for me, well... she said that I had some of the same issues that he did, but that she knew in my case that it was unintentional, and that I had made progress toward fixing those things while C, in his case, had not. The fact that she was willing to compare me favorably to him definitely lightened my heart a bit.

So yeah, that's how things have gone so far. I have faith that I can definitely make a difference in my life if I keep moving down the path I've chosen, and if I do, I think Kyuuchan and I have a very good chance of picking up where we left off. It's given me something to strive for, a target amongst the stars to try and tag. We'll see how the next few months go, shall we?


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Ichinin
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28 Feb 2013, 3:56 am

Roxas_XIII wrote:
Open up Task Manager in my brain and disable the process 'giveadamn.exe'


Along with printerspooler and others, that is a good process to terminate. Just dont get cold and stop caring totally, thats how sociopats are born. I was too sensitive myself and full of anger because the world looked like crap, but i decided to do that at an early age.

To me, it seem more to have to do with you deciding to grow up than to do with positive thinking, which is BS and does not work, no matter how much you want your life to become better.

(Is this a question or a blog post btw?)


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Geekonychus
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28 Feb 2013, 10:10 am

It's good that you are doing all these things. The one issue I see is that you are doing them for the wrong reason. You should be doing them for yourself, not for some girl. What if she decides she's not interested in getting back together?



Roxas_XIII
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28 Feb 2013, 11:00 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
It's good that you are doing all these things. The one issue I see is that you are doing them for the wrong reason. You should be doing them for yourself, not for some girl. What if she decides she's not interested in getting back together?


Ah, but see, THAT'S the thing. She told me the exact same thing earlier last year. And, to be fair, when I first started, it was for her sake, but thanks to the changes that I made, my entire life seems to be going well, and when I look back at the way I was before, as opposed to what I am like now, I know I don't want to be that way. So while I may have started doing it for Kyuuchan, I'm still doing this for myself. I've gained so much self-confidence from having dealt with these problems, or at least having started to, and even if she doesn't get back together with me, well I'll still be hurt but I won't be completely devastated to the point where I regress, because at this point I finally FEEL like I've matured and learned a bit, and I don't want to lose that confidence.

She seems to have noticed this as well. One of the things she told me when we broke up was "It's impossible to love someone else if you can't love yourself." To be fair I relied on her a lot as an emotional crutch, but now, even if I have issues, I try my best to work through them without relying on her. I still value her input, as she is a hell of a lot wiser than I am despite her age, but I don't necessarily rely on her to supply me the answer to all of my problems - rather, I take her wisdom and other factors into account and come up with my own solution.


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Roxas_XIII
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28 Feb 2013, 11:03 pm

Ichinin wrote:
Roxas_XIII wrote:
Open up Task Manager in my brain and disable the process 'giveadamn.exe'


Along with printerspooler and others, that is a good process to terminate. Just dont get cold and stop caring totally, thats how sociopats are born. I was too sensitive myself and full of anger because the world looked like crap, but i decided to do that at an early age.

To me, it seem more to have to do with you deciding to grow up than to do with positive thinking, which is BS and does not work, no matter how much you want your life to become better.

(Is this a question or a blog post btw?)


Haha, exactly. Don't worry though, I care too much about the people I care about to stop caring (wow that made no sense). I've always been a caring person, that's both my greatest strength and my greatest flaw, because I care about EVERYTHING, even the things I shouldn't care about, and that's why small incidents and comments made by idiots would still get to me.

It's not about not caring in my eyes. It's about deciding what you need to care about, and if it doesn't make that whitelist, to hell with it.

Oh, and this isn't a question. Just a little something something I thought might inspire some poor soul going through the same issues.


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aspiesandra27
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01 Mar 2013, 6:09 am

There could be a huge debate on whether people should change to "love themselves" or to be able to be loved by others.

I see your point here, and it is an inspiring and positive narrative you describe. She was the impetus for you to change, but in the long run, most areas of your life have benefitted from this.

Even if the worst came to happen, and you never had a change to date this girl again, you have still learnt valuable lessons about the impact that your behaviour has on others, and yes, on yourself too.

You have done the hardest feat, you have actively endeavoured to change, to make your life better. You have a better relationship with your parents, with your peers and with the girl you care for.

My verdict?

Well done! :)



The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Mar 2013, 8:37 am

Quote:
For a while I struggled with establishing the proper boundaries of a platonic friendship after having been used to being able to touch her, kiss her, etc. Things took a turn for the worse when a mutual friend of ours asked her out, and they began dating. He told me that he didn't intend for it to be serious, and that he was leaving at the end of next semester anyway. However, he may have been pulling the wool over my eyes (see details of this below).



Touch/kiss her how?

Were you officially dating when he asked her out? Was she your girlfriend?

If it was the case, don't ever put a girl on a pedestal, especially a cheater one.



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01 Mar 2013, 8:57 am

Quote:
So yeah, that's how things have gone so far. I have faith that I can definitely make a difference in my life if I keep moving down the path I've chosen, and if I do, I think Kyuuchan and I have a very good chance of picking up where we left off. It's given me something to strive for, a target amongst the stars to try and tag. We'll see how the next few months go, shall we?


I recommend you to ask out a friend of hers soon for something non-serious before trying to go back to her (and in my personal opinion, DON'T get back with her but it's your call). :twisted:

MAKE SURE to make her realize that she's not your only option on earth.



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01 Mar 2013, 9:56 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
So yeah, that's how things have gone so far. I have faith that I can definitely make a difference in my life if I keep moving down the path I've chosen, and if I do, I think Kyuuchan and I have a very good chance of picking up where we left off. It's given me something to strive for, a target amongst the stars to try and tag. We'll see how the next few months go, shall we?


I recommend you to ask out a friend of hers soon for something non-serious before trying to go back to her (and in my personal opinion, DON'T get back with her but it's your call). :twisted:

MAKE SURE to make her realize that she's not your only option on earth.
While I don't agree that you absolutely shouldn't get back with her or that you should date one of her friends........The larger point is very valid. I see no reason why you shouldn't use this newfound power of positive thinking to expand your options and find someone new rather than staying hungup on one girl.



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01 Mar 2013, 4:03 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
For a while I struggled with establishing the proper boundaries of a platonic friendship after having been used to being able to touch her, kiss her, etc. Things took a turn for the worse when a mutual friend of ours asked her out, and they began dating. He told me that he didn't intend for it to be serious, and that he was leaving at the end of next semester anyway. However, he may have been pulling the wool over my eyes (see details of this below).



Touch/kiss her how?

Were you officially dating when he asked her out? Was she your girlfriend?

If it was the case, don't ever put a girl on a pedestal, especially a cheater one.



No, she had already broken up with me when he made his move, and furthermore, she told me herself that she was taken by surprise, and only said 'yes' because he assured her that it wasn't going to become serious. Even then, she's pretty much done with him. They were an item as of mid-November and it was barely even January before I started hearing rumors that she was starting to get tired of his BS.

I didn't really inquire much into the nature of their relationship out of respect for her, but when we had this conversation I asked her what the deal was with him, she told me that he was an alright guy but had problems out the wazoo and she was pretty much done with him relationship wise. When I told her that it looked to me like she was avoiding him, she said "The fact that you of all people can figure that out when he can't means either A)You've gotten better socially, B) He's worse than you are, or C) a little of both."

Now, as far as other opportunities go, I'm aware that she and I may not end up together in the end. However, I'm not about to give up on her, not unless A) someone comes along who is even better, which is unlikely, or B) She makes it clear that there is no chance between us. Even right after we broke up, she never once said we didn't have a chance to try again later on. She's still been good to me and as of right now there's not anyone else I'd rather be with, so if it seems like the two of us have a chance, then I'll keep holding out hope for the time being. She really is an amazing girl, and she and I are still really close just not in the romantic sense, but I think if things keep going the way they are, it's possible our relationship may progress to that point. After all, she told me that in her opinion, strong relationships need strong friendships as a foundation. We were only friends for about 3 weeks before I asked her out the first time; however, I believe I've gotten to know her even better during our estrangement, and I think I'll be able to handle her a bit better the second time around if that were to happen.

I'm not banking on the chance that she'll get back together with me, but at the same time I'm not betting against it. I'm actually not betting on anything at all. The fact is, I feel like I'm on the right path, and she says that I've definitely changed for the better, so whatever happens next is really up to Fate. As an amateur fortuneteller I know that the future is always changing, and what seems to be impossible one day may be not as improbable the next. There's no telling what the future has in store for us, so I'm merely biding my time and watching how this story progresses, with the hope that in the end, the cards will be in my favor.


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01 Mar 2013, 4:47 pm

As an amateur fortune teller myself I can already see where this is going........

You say you're not banking on your chances but at the same time here you are on "love & dating" gushing about what an amazing girl she is.......Meanwhile she's hooking up with one of your friends whom she says she doesn't feel a serious emotional connection to.

Not to put a damper on your positive thing, but do you not see the issue here? Best case scenario she's being flaky, worst case she's leading you on.

Sounds to me that based on what you've said about your positive transformation, you should be using your attitude more proactively and at least attempt to move past your infatuation. I bet you could do better than a girl who's not as serious about a relationship as you are.



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01 Mar 2013, 4:58 pm

Alright, good luck then.



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01 Mar 2013, 10:20 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
As an amateur fortune teller myself I can already see where this is going........

You say you're not banking on your chances but at the same time here you are on "love & dating" gushing about what an amazing girl she is.......Meanwhile she's hooking up with one of your friends whom she says she doesn't feel a serious emotional connection to.

Not to put a damper on your positive thing, but do you not see the issue here? Best case scenario she's being flaky, worst case she's leading you on.

Sounds to me that based on what you've said about your positive transformation, you should be using your attitude more proactively and at least attempt to move past your infatuation. I bet you could do better than a girl who's not as serious about a relationship as you are.


It's impossible for you to understand my intentions unless you were familiar with the complete history between Kyuuchan and I, and it's impossible for me to explain that, with all of the context therein, to a complete stranger.

I get what you are saying, and believe me I've taken it into account. However, the reasons I have for NOT giving up on here are my own, and something I don't expect someone else who is not familiar with Kyuuchan or myself to quite understand. She has never, EVER given me a reason to believe she is leading me along or being dishonest with me, which is why I can trust her as a friend.

I'm not going to change my mind based on what some anonymous wall of text on the Internet says. And you obvious took one or two sentences out of my last post and focused on those rather than reading it in its entirety. Here's the deal, I don't feel like going after another girl, because as of right now there's no one else I know that interests me, and right now as things stand, there's still the opportunity of a relationship with Kyuuchan, so long as I am patient and try not to move so fast. I'm not TRYING to be in a relationship with her, rather I'm merely waiting to see what her response is to how I have changed. I have no other romantic interests at the moment, and it's not like we don't enjoy each other's company, and I am patient enough to wait and see how things go. I am still open to other opportunities, but none have presented themselves at the moment, and until they do, what is so wrong with being her friend and waiting to see if re-kindling our past relationship would be possible?


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02 Mar 2013, 5:40 am

Roxas_XIII wrote:
Geekonychus wrote:
As an amateur fortune teller myself I can already see where this is going........

You say you're not banking on your chances but at the same time here you are on "love & dating" gushing about what an amazing girl she is.......Meanwhile she's hooking up with one of your friends whom she says she doesn't feel a serious emotional connection to.

Not to put a damper on your positive thing, but do you not see the issue here? Best case scenario she's being flaky, worst case she's leading you on.

Sounds to me that based on what you've said about your positive transformation, you should be using your attitude more proactively and at least attempt to move past your infatuation. I bet you could do better than a girl who's not as serious about a relationship as you are.


It's impossible for you to understand my intentions unless you were familiar with the complete history between Kyuuchan and I, and it's impossible for me to explain that, with all of the context therein, to a complete stranger.

I get what you are saying, and believe me I've taken it into account. However, the reasons I have for NOT giving up on here are my own, and something I don't expect someone else who is not familiar with Kyuuchan or myself to quite understand. She has never, EVER given me a reason to believe she is leading me along or being dishonest with me, which is why I can trust her as a friend.

I'm not going to change my mind based on what some anonymous wall of text on the Internet says. And you obvious took one or two sentences out of my last post and focused on those rather than reading it in its entirety. Here's the deal, I don't feel like going after another girl, because as of right now there's no one else I know that interests me, and right now as things stand, there's still the opportunity of a relationship with Kyuuchan, so long as I am patient and try not to move so fast. I'm not TRYING to be in a relationship with her, rather I'm merely waiting to see what her response is to how I have changed. I have no other romantic interests at the moment, and it's not like we don't enjoy each other's company, and I am patient enough to wait and see how things go. I am still open to other opportunities, but none have presented themselves at the moment, and until they do, what is so wrong with being her friend and waiting to see if re-kindling our past relationship would be possible?


I understand this ^^^^

I somehow didn't get the vibes that she was leading you on, or didn't have the best intentions. Perhaps a little insensitive to go out with a mutual friend. I also didn't see you as a deranged, narrow minded guy, that didn't see anything else but this girl. You like her, she was the motivation for your changes, and the collateral benefits.

I do think people are quick to say "you can do better", which is generalising, but I also think their intentions are good. Most people on these forums are very protective, and I cannot be a hypocrite and argue that is only convenient when it suits me.

I like to think I try to understand people, especially our own. We are evidently, all different, and what unites us can sometimes be our downfalls, as paradoxical as this may seem.

I hope your story continues, at least as positive as it seems to be now, and that you will keep us posted. I wish you good luck. :)