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Blue_Blake
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16 Mar 2021, 4:01 am

I have never experienced love. I am a 24 year old male who has lived in seclusion for most of my life. I enjoy isolation but the loneliness is almost unbearable at times. I feel too alone. It's excessively frustrating due to the fact that I can barely leave my home and my social skills are problematic, I'm very wary of using dating apps and I've never even had a female friend. What should I do? Will I ever experience true love? Should I embrace my apparent reclusive tendencies even if they're involuntary? I feel like it might be too late for me. I appreciate anyone reading this, and I apologize for going on a bit of a tangent.



MidnightRose
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16 Mar 2021, 5:50 am

Hey Blake, I'm 23, turning 24 this year and I've been dealing with a lot of the same feelings. I've never kissed or been on a date or any of that. I've learned to mask pretty well and I can make friendly acquaintances and leave a good first impression on people, but I struggle to form any meaningful friendships. I've never had a girlfriend, and I don't think I've had a true friend since I left high school.

I've not gained any of those relationships, but I have gotten over a good deal of the angst. I have my moments, but I go through most days not worrying about it as much. First, by acknowledging that I'm different from others, but that I have my own strengths and value as a person. I no longer define myself by others, I just try to be better than I was yesterday. Getting some hobbies has certainly helped. I used to just kind of mindlessly play video games or watch YouTube (still do occasionally) but now I do more writing and am teaching myself video production. When I'm working on Adobe Premiere I'm not really thinking about relationship issues, and often I'm thinking about it even when I'm away from the computer so I'm not left to ruminate on negative thoughts. Being active is good for you, not just physically, but mentally too.

You say you can barely leave home, idk why, if you feel comfortable adding more context feel free, but of course you will probably need to leave the home to meet new people. As for social skills, I'm sorry to say they come with practice. You can read tons of books on it, but nothing compares to talking to people for real. When I started working retail it was very stressful dealing with customers, but it gave me a lot of practice, and I learned how to do small talk pretty well. Basic tips: People love talking about themselves, if you ask some generic questions "what do you do for work?" "see any movies lately?" "what kind of music do you like?" etc. and put on a smile you can get through 90% of social interactions. If anxiety is prohibiting you from socializing normally, maybe therapy can help? I learned some good coping skills for anxiety from therapy.

I would personally avoid dating apps. Unless you're some kind of model, you're going to struggle. Men outnumber women on dating apps like crazy, so they get to be pretty selective and on apps you usually have little more than looks to go on. After matching with bots or having girls suddenly ghost me repeatedly I realized the apps were starting to hurt my self-esteem and uninstalled them. It sounds to me like you, understandably, have a lot of anxiety around socializing in general. I think you need to get more comfortable just being able to talk to people in general.



Blue_Blake
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16 Mar 2021, 6:39 am

MidnightRose, thank you very much for your advice, I truly appreciate it. I think you may be right with my having to come to terms with social interaction, it seems endlessly uphill. I can barely leave the house because I have pretty severe agoraphobia, which is essentially the fear of open, crowded, public spaces etc. It ties in with my social anxiety because I feel extremely open and vulnerable when I'm in public, as if everyone is watching me, or as if I'm trying to walk through endless layers of saran wrap. Each step is difficult. Thank you so much for the message and support, and I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with some of the same emotions



The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Mar 2021, 6:57 am

If you remain like this then it's guaranteed that you won't find it. Hard truth.


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Blue_Blake
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16 Mar 2021, 7:01 am

I hope I am able to change then



Muse933277
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17 Mar 2021, 12:10 pm

Iv'e known 50+ people with autism over the years and these are things I notice about autistic men that make it hard for them to get a date, so this is my advice on how to find love.


1. Your physical appearance matters a lot, so don't neglect this aspect. How you look shapes the way people perceive you, and the better looking you are, the more people are willing to forgive your social quirks and faults, up to a certain extent. If you're overweight and look like a hobo, people are less forgiving if you're "weird" and "socially awkward", where's if you're really good looking, people are more likely to forgive you for your faults.

Another reason why physical appearance matters is because the better looking you are, the more percentage of people who are attracted to you and willing to give you a chance. Less rejection = higher confidence and higher confidence = more women attracted to you. This is why attractive men are usually more confident because they haven't been beaten down by constant rejection like less attractive men do.

How do you improve your physical appearance? Start by going to the gym 3-5x a week, having a more healthy diet, wearing better clothes, and getting a haircut at least once every 6 weeks. You may never be an 8/10 but you can go up several points just by taking care of your appearance.



2. Try to pass as "normal" as possible. Women, especially neurotypical women can easily be scared away, if you do behavior that is out of the norm, especially if they feel like their safety is on the line. Unfortunately for us men, we are much more likely to be perceived as creepy compared to the other way around, so you have to be careful. If you creep out a girl too much, she may gossip to her friends about you, and when that happens, now you have a poor reputation.

How do you pass as normal?

- Don't neglect your personal hygiene. Unkempt men, especially if they're overweight and have facial hair, can be perceived as creepy and a threat.

- In social situations, don't do or say anything too out of the ordinary. In whatever social situation you're in, pay attention to the people around you and see what they're doing and this is how you should act.

- If you get rejected by a girl, it's ok to be upset. But whatever you do, don't beg her or start getting angry with her over not going out with you. If you're texting a girl, you ask her out and then get rejected, then you go on a long rant about being sad or getting angry with her, there's a good chance she's going to screenshot these photos and send them to her friends, and they're all going to laugh at you. I'm telling you this now to warn you, don't do it.


That's all I can think of for now, I have to get back to work.



Blue_Blake
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18 Mar 2021, 5:41 am

Hi Muse933277, thank you very much for your advice!



Dog1
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21 Mar 2021, 8:49 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
2. Try to pass as "normal" as possible. Women, especially neurotypical women can easily be scared away, if you do behavior that is out of the norm, especially if they feel like their safety is on the line. Unfortunately for us men, we are much more likely to be perceived as creepy compared to the other way around, so you have to be careful. If you creep out a girl too much, she may gossip to her friends about you, and when that happens, now you have a poor reputation.


Scared away if they feel their safety is on the line? Hahaha.

That always makes me chuckle.

Women go out of their way to choose to date and marry abusive men so much that’s it’s a epidemic all over the world.

If a woman decides not to date a shy, nice, socially-awkward guy - and she decides to flee - it’s definitely not because she’s afraid for her safety - that’s just sugarcoating the real problem.

Being polite and clean should be all an Aspie guy needs - and he should also just be himself.

If she runs away, it’s not because her “danger senses” have kicked in - she might just feel an overwhelming urge to go eat some Play-Doh.



Muse933277 wrote:

How do you pass as normal?

- Don't neglect your personal hygiene. Unkempt men, especially if they're overweight and have facial hair, can be perceived as creepy and a threat.


Plenty of women date and marry guys that look like that all the time - next time you’re at Walmart, take a look around you and count how many Sasquatches there are walking around with girls.

Again, Aspie men should just relax and be themselves - yes, keep clean and hygienic - but don’t feel like you’re being judged, because you’re not.

If you are relaxed and don’t look worried, then you will likely attract an intelligent female (because intelligent women like men who are nice and mature) - and since she’s intelligent then she will be into you, and you can be happy.

That’s all you need. :thumright:



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21 Mar 2021, 8:54 pm

Blue_Blake wrote:
How Do I Find Love?
You do not "find" love, it finds you.

If you want to attract, you must first make yourself attractive.

If you want to be approached, you must first make yourself approachable.

If you want friends, then you must first be friendly.

If you want to be loved, you must first be lovable.

Then you put yourself out there, and you wait.


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22 Mar 2021, 1:23 am

Emphasize your interests, not that you’re seeking love.

Women hate desperate men.