L&D and other people who aren't Neurotypical

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sly279
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14 Aug 2015, 2:33 pm

would you want her telling everyone you have aspergers?
let her decide when or if she wants to tell your family.
if I found out that my gf told her family about my disability without my permissions I'd feel hurt and betrayed.
I don't personal think its anything girls family needs to know just her.
so same goes other way.couples tell each other private stuff that should remain betweendi the couple until she/he says its ok.


did you go on 1 date or have you been dating for a while and now said you're a couple?

I don't tell my family when i go on dates anymore the resulting questioning and getting their hopes up just for it to not work out is to much pressure. idk if you're family is the same way and will smother you to though.
I may not tell them for a while unless the girl wants to hang out here in which case it would be avoidable. even after we're a couple. guess they could find out if we reach the getting married phase.



Outrider
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15 Aug 2015, 1:44 am

sly279 wrote:
would you want her telling everyone you have aspergers?
let her decide when or if she wants to tell your family.
if I found out that my gf told her family about my disability without my permissions I'd feel hurt and betrayed.
I don't personal think its anything girls family needs to know just her.
so same goes other way.couples tell each other private stuff that should remain betweendi the couple until she/he says its ok.


did you go on 1 date or have you been dating for a while and now said you're a couple?

I don't tell my family when i go on dates anymore the resulting questioning and getting their hopes up just for it to not work out is to much pressure. idk if you're family is the same way and will smother you to though.
I may not tell them for a while unless the girl wants to hang out here in which case it would be avoidable. even after we're a couple. guess they could find out if we reach the getting married phase.


"would you want her telling everyone you have aspergers?"

Fair point.

"did you go on 1 date or have you been dating for a while and now said you're a couple?"

Well, not exactly, it happened a bit different. This is also what I mean though: Nothing wrong with avoiding even telling the fam the relationship exists for as long as possible until it becomes absolutely necessary, right? E.g. gets to the meeting the family stage.

What I mean is when it gets to the point that she's going to actually meet my family or I meet hers, then is it bad to mention they have have a disabilities/disorders with their consent?

Like is it necessary or at least a good idea as it would help understanding? Again with permission to do so?

Because my mum and step-dad are slightly judgementel type this is the problem. Even if I have aspergers or not. My uncle has aspergers and has a preference for overweight women and he is criticized for it.

Maybe it's different because I'm my mother's son but I still feel she might be judgemental of my new girlfriend. She is judgemental of my best friend who has aspergers too sometimes. She pointed out my best friend is overweight and only getting worse and that if me and him live together (which is what we were planning to do, share an apartment as roomates) she expects him to be lazy and unhelping. She also said his behavior was very rude when he left my grandmother's house (my family was there for Xmas, he visited for a few days). Step-father backed her up all the way.

If this is the kind of judgemental attitude I get for my friends I'd have no idea how much better or worse it could be for her. I am happy to be with her but...yeah...

I don't know, I do just have this negative thought in my head that she wouldn't get along with my a-hºle step-dad. He never likes any of my friends or gets along with any of them decent, and most of them dislike him back just as much. They dislike him as much as I dislike him. Makes sense, really.

I just would rather not and maybe even can't deal with hearing disgusting words being said about someone I care about, whether that be friend, girlfriend, other family that I care about, etc.

And yes my family does it too, smothering me with hope. Went on three dates with this other girl at the start of the year and now a few family members that mum spread the word to think she is my girlfriend.



Skilpadde
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15 Aug 2015, 8:05 am

Outrider wrote:
1. What have your experiences been (if any) on a relationship with a Non-NT Non-Aspie person?

My only relationship was with an LDR with an aspie who also had other things, like ADHD and cognitive dissonance. It didn’t work at all. To put it simply, none of us understood or dealt well with the other person’s aspie traits and insecurities, he was clingy and needy while I am aloof and need lots of space, and quite frankly, his ADHD and CD drove me up the wall. He’d question everything and look for hidden meanings telling him I didn’t really care, and then he’d test my love by starting fights like a kid testing his parents’ love, which I don’t have the patience for, especially from an adult.
He loved taking risks, always on the move and he was impulsive, reckless and in constant need of new stimuli. IOW, my complete opposite.

Outrider wrote:
2. What are your thoughts on this? Like, is it wrong or hypocritical of someone to not want to date another non-NT? Or do you just accept we can make our own choices and have our own standards?

I don’t think it’s wrong or hypocritical at all. What we want and look for in any type of relationship will differ from person to person, as will how much we are willing to compromise.

I have never seen it as a problem that I make my own choices and have my own standards. Who doesn't? There are several disorders that would make someone unsuitable for me, or make me not even consider them.

I could also never be with someone who was extrovert or extremely NT. I also need someone who is asexual like me.

I would much rather be single than compromise too much. Too much compromise in my home life would make life not worth living.


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rdos
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15 Aug 2015, 1:29 pm

I wouldn't tell family at this point. I'd wait until engagement or something like that to tell anybody. It's not really any of their business. Especially in your case they may blow it all for you by being mean.