9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger's

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JamesBrown
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20 Jul 2016, 5:12 pm

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Sweetleaf
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12 Aug 2016, 12:52 pm

Don't make a relationship commitment if you don't feel anything towards your would be girlfriend/boyfriend, S.O., it's not a game where you can just stop the relationship and re-start it at your whim.


Though that is not aspergers specific, people in general shouldn't do this.


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JosefaBohn
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29 Aug 2016, 10:49 am

Thanks for sharing this.



I_Heart_Unicorns
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26 Oct 2016, 8:54 am

gwenkansen wrote:
[...] Read Full Article[/url] 
I forget who said this, but if you’ve met one aspie, you’ve met one aspie. We’re all different. That’s the first thing to keep in mind. You shouldn’t hold yourself to neurotypical standards. But you shouldn’t define yourself by Asperger’s either. Especially not at first. If you’re calling yourself aspie89 on Tinder then you need to rethink your existence.

Don’t define yourself by Asperger’s. Because if you do, you’re going to be an empty freaking hole that no one wants to talk to. Ever.

People on the spectrum generally aren’t that approachable. It really differs for women and men though. I don’t ...


You wrote "Don’t define yourself by Asperger’s. Because if you do, you’re going to be an empty freaking hole that no one wants to talk to."
That's a bit of a non sequitur.
In my experience, most people don't want to talk to me not because I define myself by my Asperger syndrome (I don't), but because I'm different to most people. I don't think or feel like they do, so I get ostracized as a result. Most people are cliquey and don't like people who are different. That's their problem, not mine.



GMUnicorns
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16 Nov 2016, 8:41 pm

A biological test would be excellent, and as soon as I get into the workforce that's what I want to work on (though am afraid it will be used for nefarious purposes).

Honestly, I didn't like that article too much. I feel words were used in ways that were not clear, the bold was usually fine but the back up made me cringe in a lot of places.
By the way, the best way to get a username without a huge chain of numbers on a very popular site is to add aspie/aspergers/autism/autistic/ASD somewhere.
If "define" is meant as in the end-all and be-all of existence, then I agree. Otherwise, Asperger's is a part of me, a set of personality traits I'm really proud of, and I wouldn't be me without it so is that not a definer?
Also, you shouldn't treat someone differently because of ASD. You should treat them differently and have different expectations because they are a unique person with unique abilities and a one-of-a-kind personality.
Otherwise, generally good advice.



OneHandCoding
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25 Nov 2016, 9:05 pm

I heartily disagree with androbot01's assertion that "the author s female, but the topic is disappointing." She made some very astute points in the article.

It certainly is possible that some people - not only autistics or men - view women as appendages and accessories to others' lives, particularly men's. Countless websites, magazines and books are devoted to that exact premise, and their targeted audience is - you guessed it - women. One could almost call them trade magazines in their exhaustive dissection of behavior, appearance, clothing, cosmetics, diet and exercise 'tips', flirting and dating, and other salient topics of "how to get and keep a man."

That said, being in the still very white-male-dominated IT profession, I certainly understand the frustration some feel in perceiving a white male dominance on this site. The way to mitigate that perception is to actively participate by contributing articles and comments on any forum, regardless of whether it's WrongPlanet or not.

I'm very glad that these websites even exist. I, and others like me who weren't diagnosed until late in life, didn't have the benefit of this sort of camaraderie, let alone the Internet or personal computers, as children and teens, so this is a marvelous development in helping everyone feel less isolated and share our hard-won experiences with each other.

Cheers, liz



OneHandCoding
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25 Nov 2016, 9:28 pm

[/quote]
"white male dominance" Who's to say most users here are white, or that sexism is a white male invention? That's racist AND sexist. Also, yes, men have Autism far more than women do. Thats biology, so expect to see less articles on it. That's how it is, sorry.[/quote]

I beg to differ. No, that most certainly isn't "how it is."

Males are more often diagnosed than females simply because society's tolerance of male aggression is generally higher - until that aggression becomes difficult for parents and other authority figures to physically contain as boys enter adolescence. That alone leads to a higher likelihood getting referred for evaluation and diagnosis.

A higher incidence of autism diagnosis for males isn't inherent in human neurobiology. It's merely a byproduct of social norms. This isn't solely my view, but that of multiple published authors, including Dr Tony Attwood, Steve Silberman (Neurotribes, 2015), and Simon Baron-Cohen - all males, interestingly.

As a sidebar remark, the so-called 'autism epidemic' of 1 in 88 (1.47% is hardly epidemic) children wasn't popularly bleated until autism became a separate Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) code in 1993, with DSM-3. Autism is hardly a brand-new condition, although certain special interest groups would have us believe that it is.

In the Sixties, Seventies, and even into the Eighties, autism was conflated with profound intellectual disability and non-verbal disability. This egregious misunderstanding of autism excluded all of us who were articulate and bright and denied us the benefits of early diagnosis and assistance that could've made our lives somewhat smoother.

I received my formal diagnosis under the auspices of DSM-5, which introduced more stringent criteria for determining autism. Asperger's is now integrated into DSM-5's 299.00 code as level 1 autism, lacking intellectual and verbal impairment. Only America uses DSM. The rest of the world uses ICD, which I've been led to believe still considers Asperger's separate from classic autism.

The fact remains that autism is a neurodevelopment difference involving one's brain and central nervous system. Prevalence and incidence of autism between genders is mainly attributable to social norms and to the rather widespread lack of understanding that still hampers the medical and allied health professions to this day.



B Nt Tryingtounderstand
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29 Nov 2016, 6:11 pm

Hi. (Nt, here)I'm glad to have found this site. I've been reading a lot about aspergers lately and I have come to believe that the guy I have been involved with probably has it. Is there somewhere I can turn to for support? Recently he withdrew and I stressed out. Now I'm blocked again from his fb afterI asked him via text if he has it..... (My damn lack of self control) he was very angry and said he obviously doesn't have it. We haven't been able to get this thing off the ground. I feel I need to be properly respected and appreciated and treated at least like a friend before we can have a sexual relationship. He said he would do his best. That's all I could ask for. I was thrilled. We made plans for an over night and I shopped for sexy underwear. But over thanksgiving he acted like I was annoying him when I tried to communicate with him on fb and texting. I canceled. I said i didn't feel close enough to trust that i would be respected and honored with my sexuality. I may be in denial but I believe he is acting so aloof, and then angrily pushing me away because he is aspie and can't help it. Maybe he doesn't have it. And maybe he really is a jerk. But he shows signs of having it. And I wonder if I should just forget about it or if I should keep on learning and just be there if he is ever ready. (I know I have work to do before I'm really ready.. So this go around was doomed to fail.... We've been involved and then not speaking before...) I love him truely. And I want to be together, and I'm will to learn how to work with him. But I am pretty high strung. We don't mix well at times. And he can be very harsh! I am working on my stress management just for my own sake. I want to have a beautiful love with him. He says he doesn't share my dream. He wanted a friend with benefits. I was unwilling to do that. I would take all the classes needed and work on being patient and understanding if only he were willing to do his best, as he said. And maybe he was. Maybe I screwed it all up all over again.



androbot01
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30 Nov 2016, 9:32 am

He's not going to change. I wouldn't bother with the relationship; if he's like this at the beginning he will continue similarly.



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30 Nov 2016, 10:08 am

1/ Ignore this buzzword filled cake recipe of an article.
2-9/see 1.

Find someone who thinks you might be magic.



Snowcone
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20 Dec 2016, 8:38 am

gwenkansen wrote:
Ah. Gotcha.

I write a blog on PsychCentral about that kind of stuff. It's called I'm Not A Robot. I could write something on here about it too though.

I have terrible executive function. I don't have a job. I'm kind of hoping that writing this stuff can become my job. I come from an upper-middle-class family who's patient with me. Otherwise my mental health would be much worse. I've been fired from most jobs, got kicked out of grad school, and told that I'm better off not trying to work in fashion, which is what I came to New York to do.

The struggle is real.

As for relationships, the problem for me isn't really about relating to partners. It's about repetitive speech. I say anything that comes into my head at least twice. It feels like I have to. I know it's a problem, but it makes me so uncomfortable to hold back around a partner. I also get anxious and clingy and don't have much ability to regulate my emotions.

The guy I'm with also has Asperger's. He's patient with me. I'm not sure how many neurotypicals would deal with that kind of behavior.

I know that doesn't sound too upbeat. But I feel like I know a good deal about relationships from having plenty of short ones and watching other people's long ones. I'm learning to compromise the same way everyone else has to. I think Asperger's symptoms should be seen as separate from that.


I might be able to relate to your repetitive behavior. I think the repetitive behavior occurs because you're very focused on something, perhaps it could even be that you're trying to figure out how to stop it? So repetitive behavior occurs because you are overfocusing on one area. Instead try to focus on goals relating to the bigger picture. Then socializing may occur more automatically and with more emotion as well. It is easy for autistic people to think that they have to focus to achieve something, but thats not true. We really know how to do everything if we dont overfocus on it. Try to see if it helps to focus on goals such as, how can I enjoy talking or be emotionally engaged in talking, or what determines being socially successful and how can I achieve those sub goals. Or what are other interesting and relevant things to think about. I don't know if it helps, but changing your focus in the right way by changing what goals you want to think about or thinking about other values can be helpful. Best of luck.



Snowcone
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20 Dec 2016, 8:45 am

It's an interesting question if you have to tell people about your aspergers. I think it's really an individuals choice. I don't see any moral obligation that you have to tell people about your diagnosis. For thousands of years nobody knew what aspergers were and thus nobody had to tell anything. Any diagnosis comes along with a stigma. Nobody really knows what aspergers or autism is anyway. The diagnosis is not meant as an obligation for us to let other people label us more negatively, it is meant to help us understand ourselves better. If somebody is ready to marry you, they know the real you well enough to have made the choice and it is rightfully your choice to never mention that you have aspergers if you wish.



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25 Dec 2016, 11:33 am

My problem isn't with disclosing Asperger's per se. My worry would be with disclosing an associated medical condition, fortunately under control with medication. I am afraid that, if I did find a nice man and fell in love, he wouldn't want me if he knew about it. I would pretty much be afraid everything would go away if people knew. I have such a good life now that I don't want to lose it.



Grishnar
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02 Jan 2017, 7:50 am

NTs can't cope with me on a long term basis. I have a small group of friends and can't cope with large groups. However, those in my 'small group' usually burn out after a while. I don't blame them, it's hard, too intense for them to manage for an extended period of time. I don't think dating would work for me. I would be constantly speculating on how long they could cope, when will the 'goodbye' come and how will I deal with their absence. It's not their fault, there are many many less complicated people out there that they could spend time with.
Significantly, I seem incapable of casual relationships ...... or casual anything. 'Casual' is something I stare at like an exhibit in a glass case at the British Museum. I can see it, and read the label but will never be able to handle it.



n7ekg
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03 Jan 2017, 4:34 am

I would add one thing if you're a woman: Guys will do almost anything to sleep with an attractive woman - they will say and do almost anything, pretend to be anyone, be warm and sympathetic and charming and all that until they get what they want, which is usually sex.

Be on your guard. The more attractive you are, the more guys will want to chat you up with the aim of sleeping with you. Use your gut instinct. Because women are the pursued in relationships, they are at a tremendous advantage - use that to filter out those who are only interested in your attractiveness - thick lips, long hair, big breasts, thin body, tiny butt, whatever - and engage them on a more intellectual level. See if they have more than two brain cells to rub together, or if they do all their thinking with the little head. Just because a guy is charming and says all the right things doesn't mean jack. You want to know who he is *really*- and that means telling them "no" - more than once. Go out to eat and have the wait staff (preferably female) screw up their order - then sit back and watch what happens. If you've slept with him, tell him that you're not feeling well and don't want sex that night - and see what happens. Does he always want to do thing that *he* wants to do, or is he willing to compromise - or even better, offers a compromise right from the start? Go weekend camping with him, if the relationship is at that stage. What happens when things go wrong? How does he react? How do *you* react?

Hope this helps.



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08 Jan 2017, 6:21 am

Wow! Very good writing. On point! Very impressed that you can get it from your head out in words to describe it like this!