Contact with exes while in a long term relationship

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Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

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Joined: 9 Oct 2021
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 143
Location: Northern Nevada, USA

09 Oct 2021, 11:46 am

Howdy all,

I'm curious to know the experiences and attitudes of others regarding maintaining or renewing contact with exes while in a Long Term Relationship.

My recent ASD "self-diagnosis" at age 52 has spurred me to investigate EVERYTHING from my past life, with relationships being among the most (seemingly) important experiences that could have been affected if I had understood more of why I had such atypical responses.

My current girlfriend (of 12 years) is aware of and approves of (with the obvious caveats and cautions) of my contacts with exes, but I wonder what dangers may lie in wait for the unwary who pursue this course of "self-analysis".



I'm referring to contact with exes where there was no (or is no?) animosity, and the contact was for some level of mutual understanding or even just "catching up" with someone that one used to find interesting enough to "be with".

Last edited by GadgetGuru on 09 Oct 2021, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 64
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Location: Stendec

09 Oct 2021, 12:46 pm

My ex-wife can curse G^D and die, for all I care. Good riddance, too!


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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 32,871
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

10 Oct 2021, 12:07 pm

Well last time I got contacted by an ex I had to cut the contact because they started being rude about my boyfriend after being more friendly at first and it was clear they hadn't really accepted I had moved on. Thing is he ghosted me for months so I gave up on trying to contact him and met my boyfriend and we even moved in together before I heard from that guy again.

But yeah was he thinking there was really any chance I'd leave my boyfriend to give him another chance when he ghosted me? He lost his chance via his own actions and seemed like he was trying to make me feel guilty about it. So I blocked him on facebook where he had contacted me and that was that.

I think based on that I'd prefer not to hear from any more of my exes, it can just be unneeded stress and you can't change the past.

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Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 36
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10 Oct 2021, 12:18 pm

I met my first boyfriend a few times. It wasn't a violent or abusive relationship, we just didn't fit each other (he wanted me to be normal...) I even introduced him to my husband and ended up on his birthday party when I was pregnant - my sisters are still friends with him and they took me with them.
We act as if we were just friends.

No in-person meetings with other exes.

Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.


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Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 41
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Location: Between my dreams and your fantasies

10 Oct 2021, 3:38 pm

The thing that I have noticed time and again is that "an ex is an ex for a reason."

After it's over we tend to forget the bad parts.

But if we reconnect then all of the bad things come roaring to the surface with a vengeance and we remember the reason we broke up in the first place :roll:

...what do the public, the great unobservant public, who could hardly tell a weaver by his tooth or a compositor by his left thumb, care about the finer shades of analysis and deduction!


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Joined: 11 Mar 2020
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10 Oct 2021, 4:43 pm

I had to maintain contact with my first ex wife for many years as my daughters were quite young when the marriage ended and she had custody.

Since my second marriage ended I have had to stay in contact occasionally in relation to the sale of various jointly owned property.

I have found both things stressful as, regardless of how positive and amicable we tried to make it, various contentious issues would be revisited one way of another.

My third marriage is currently coming to a close - such is the emotional temperature of this process and in light of some of the things said so far I very much doubt whether there will be any on going contact. I think that it would be too painful all round.

I have no plans to go for a fourth.

Autistic member of the neurodivergent community

Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

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Joined: 11 Aug 2020
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10 Oct 2021, 4:58 pm

I'm in general supportive of positive contact with exes. Relationships - even non-romantic ones - are really important to me, and exes are generally people one was close with at one point. If that relationship can be maintained in a healthy way, I'm all in favor of it. My partner doesn't mind when I have the occasional chat with an ex, and I've actively encouraged him to stay in contact with one of his.

A couple caveats, of course: we're both secure in our relationship, etc. Also, I'm poly, which some people may consider relevant. Even if my partner still had feelings for any of his exes, it wouldn't bother me.

Maintaining contact did backfire on me once, with an ex who apparently had a nasty breakup with his then-boyfriend of several years. He asked for my cell in a message that I read to hint at suicidality, so I gave it to him.

He texted me, um, pictures of himself.

I didn't respond and he eventually gave up. We didn't talk for a couple years after that. When he reached out on Facebook maybe 2-3 years after all this, I didn't send him a friend request, but I didn't ignore him either. He seems to be in a better place now, which I'm glad for. I still talk to him on FB maybe once or twice a year when he messages me. I don't plan on friending him, and I don't initiate conversations. But I like knowing that he's doing okay.

Curious about almost everything. I'm especially interested in chess puzzles (warning: I'm not good at them), writing fiction, and reading scientific journals, particularly articles that I can use to improve myself or my life somehow. PMs welcome.