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bigbadbeast2020
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13 Jul 2019, 8:04 pm

Is anybody on the spectrum successful at dating on the spectrum?
because when it comes to dating gilrs look down on me because they think i am "disabled"
sickening really i'm from australia btw
it's like being trapped in a deep pit with no way to climb out!! !

what about you guys?



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13 Jul 2019, 8:33 pm

I didn't date before college. During college, women wanted to date me, but only after they found out how good my grades were, and that I was paying my own tuition. Then they would suggest "study dates", most of which ended up being mostly about letting them copy from my notes and homework assignments.

Lesson 1: Have something that they want, be it disposable income, a place of your own, reliable transportation, or the answers to the mid-term.

This didn't work out as bad as it seems, because some other women would notice my apparent popularity and want to get in on the action. Some women seem to derive satisfaction from 'stealing' another woman's boyfriend (even when you are not really their boyfriend at all).

Lesson 2: Popularity breeds popularity. When you are perceived as sociable, it counts a lot toward meeting others.

I would always be nice to them, but not too nice. Knowing when to say 'No' and sticking with it seems to challenge some women -- they will test your resolve for no other reason than to prove that they can make you change your mind. My highest priority was to earn good grades and graduate with a degree (I graduated with two). Staying healthy came second (get enough sleep, exercise, and healthy food). Recreation was further down the list, and having a girlfriend and getting laid was even further down (so far down it never appeared in writing).

Lesson 3: Be nice, but be true to yourself. Nice guys aren't really all that attractive, but a nice man who sets goals and maintains his standards when most other men are being jerks and dogging women is surprisingly in demand by women who have high standards of their own.

Watch long enough, and you will see that men who really don't care what others think of them also seem to attract women. They set their own style, make their own way, and the hell with what others think. They will also stand in your personal space, look you in the eye, and speak directly to you. Some men may see this as aggression, while many women see this as confidence.

Lesson 4: Self-assurance goes a long way. I'm not talking about egocentric narcissism here. I'm talking about knowing who you are, what you are capable of, and how much you can get away with -- but you will never know any of this until you try.

No, Master Yoda. There is 'Try'. You must first 'Try' before you 'Do'. Keep trying, and never give up.


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Kurgan
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14 Jul 2019, 11:51 am

I solved my problems by getting a high-prestige education, getting a good job, and beefing up in the gym. Women can be attracted to guys with disabilities if said guys have overcome these disabilities, because this shows that their genes are strong enough to compensate for it. There are numerous examples of this, such as Steven Hawking, Oscar Pistorius (yes, I know what he did), Ray Charles, and many others.

It's much easier to land a good job if you get a master's degree in engineering than if you get a useless degree in philosophy. You might also want to consider learning a trade.


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Fnord
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14 Jul 2019, 12:09 pm

Kurgan wrote:
... It's much easier to land a good job if you get a master's degree in engineering than if you get a useless degree in philosophy. You might also want to consider learning a trade.
Learning an artistic talent in addition to a skill or trade is also a plus. If you can entertain people with music (instrument preferred to voice), then they will want to hang around you. Drawing and painting are also good, and if you can bake and cook well enough, people will invite themselves for lunch -- not always, but it happens to me.


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14 Jul 2019, 12:21 pm

Fnord wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
... It's much easier to land a good job if you get a master's degree in engineering than if you get a useless degree in philosophy. You might also want to consider learning a trade.
Learning an artistic talent in addition to a skill or trade is also a plus. If you can entertain people with music (instrument preferred to voice), then they will want to hang around you. Drawing and painting are also good, and if you can bake and cook well enough, people will invite themselves for lunch -- not always, but it happens to me.


Learning to play the guitar helps. :) Much more than bulking up in the gym, but it's too late for me.


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17 Jul 2019, 3:27 pm

Mystery can be attractive, too much is frustrating, though.

Flirting and playing with language funnily is really pleasant if it's subtle enough and it needs to be at a time she is ready for such. Tease, not giving an answer seriously sometimes.

Setting a time to tell her about your quirks in a fascinating way or opinion on some subject/have a fun discussion, makes her look forward to getting to know more.

Don't compliment her, but be nice. Don't touch, let her come to you. Play hard to get a little maybe at first.

Tell her what you dislike if she does something you're not into, but not excessively.

Don't use emotes, don't baby-talk. Don't bend, stay straight like an invincible bull, but don't huff and puff if you don't get your way. Show that you're not easily distressed as best you can.

[Fnord's suggestions are nice, I wish there was a guide for guys too]


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Cgordon73
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17 Jul 2019, 3:59 pm

Rexi wrote:
Mystery can be attractive, too much is frustrating, though.

Flirting and playing with language funnily is really pleasant if it's subtle enough and it needs to be at a time she is ready for such. Tease, not giving an answer seriously sometimes.

Setting a time to tell her about your quirks in a fascinating way or opinion on some subject/have a fun discussion, makes her look forward to getting to know more.

Don't compliment her, but be nice. Don't touch, let her come to you. Play hard to get a little maybe at first.

Tell her what you dislike if she does something you're not into, but not excessively.

Don't use emotes, don't baby-talk. Don't bend, stay straight like an invincible bull, but don't huff and puff if you don't get your way. Show that you're not easily distressed as best you can.

[Fnord's suggestions are nice, I wish there was a guide for guys too]

Hello
That is really good advice. I often wished i had a big sister to help me understand women better when i was growing up. I didn't want rejection so made myself unappealing quite deliberately until my mid 20s. I had long hair, an untidy flat, i smoked weed, didn't work much, played amiga for hours on end and didn't look after my personal hygiene particularly well. Once i decided it was time to meet someone it happened really quickly. We are still together 20 years on but not without many issues through the years....your advice would have been invaluable to me looking back...


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Rexi
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17 Jul 2019, 4:44 pm

Cgordon73 wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Mystery can be attractive, too much is frustrating, though.

Flirting and playing with language funnily is really pleasant if it's subtle enough and it needs to be at a time she is ready for such. Tease, not giving an answer seriously sometimes.

Setting a time to tell her about your quirks in a fascinating way or opinion on some subject/have a fun discussion, makes her look forward to getting to know more.

Don't compliment her, but be nice. Don't touch, let her come to you. Play hard to get a little maybe at first.

Tell her what you dislike if she does something you're not into, but not excessively.

Don't use emotes, don't baby-talk. Don't bend, stay straight like an invincible bull, but don't huff and puff if you don't get your way. Show that you're not easily distressed as best you can.

[Fnord's suggestions are nice, I wish there was a guide for guys too]

Hello
That is really good advice. I often wished i had a big sister to help me understand women better when i was growing up. I didn't want rejection so made myself unappealing quite deliberately until my mid 20s. I had long hair, an untidy flat, i smoked weed, didn't work much, played amiga for hours on end and didn't look after my personal hygiene particularly well. Once i decided it was time to meet someone it happened really quickly. We are still together 20 years on but not without many issues through the years....your advice would have been invaluable to me looking back...


Hi, thank you.
Good going, 20 years is a lot.
Why not now, have you already done everything I mentioned and more? Wouldn't be surprised with all that time at your disposal.


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Cgordon73
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17 Jul 2019, 6:09 pm

Rexi wrote:
Cgordon73 wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Mystery can be attractive, too much is frustrating, though.

Flirting and playing with language funnily is really pleasant if it's subtle enough and it needs to be at a time she is ready for such. Tease, not giving an answer seriously sometimes.

Setting a time to tell her about your quirks in a fascinating way or opinion on some subject/have a fun discussion, makes her look forward to getting to know more.

Don't compliment her, but be nice. Don't touch, let her come to you. Play hard to get a little maybe at first.

Tell her what you dislike if she does something you're not into, but not excessively.

Don't use emotes, don't baby-talk. Don't bend, stay straight like an invincible bull, but don't huff and puff if you don't get your way. Show that you're not easily distressed as best you can.

[Fnord's suggestions are nice, I wish there was a guide for guys too]

Hello
That is really good advice. I often wished i had a big sister to help me understand women better when i was growing up. I didn't want rejection so made myself unappealing quite deliberately until my mid 20s. I had long hair, an untidy flat, i smoked weed, didn't work much, played amiga for hours on end and didn't look after my personal hygiene particularly well. Once i decided it was time to meet someone it happened really quickly. We are still together 20 years on but not without many issues through the years....your advice would have been invaluable to me looking back...


Hi, thank you.
Good going, 20 years is a lot.
Why not now, have you already done everything I mentioned and more? Wouldn't be surprised with all that time at your disposal.

I have just discovered i have AS and my wife is NT. The statistics are against us and statistics are worth a wee look usually. We have 3 boys together all under 10 and they are our pride and joy as well as our priority in all things. We have decided after much deliberation to do our own things more often. She goes dancing and meeting new folk twice a week. I will travel more on days off indulging my interests much more. I plan to arrange to meet fellow aspies in time and find out about their lives, coping mechanisms etc. My wife and i know we will each be loyal to one another and warn each other well in advance should this be something that might change. She was so patient with me in the early years as i have sensory issues with touch as well as noise. The touch aspect seems better but i think a fair bit of damage was done back then which presents some awkwardness today. I used to not enjoy kissing either but have gotten over that. Of course i wasn't aware of AS throughout this time and it gives certain understanding to how our relationship has developed. 20 years. Lots has happened. We had completely different experiences prior to getting together but we have great love for each other. Too much information? Yes i know.....


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Rexi
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17 Jul 2019, 6:34 pm

Cgordon73 wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Cgordon73 wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Mystery can be attractive, too much is frustrating, though.

Flirting and playing with language funnily is really pleasant if it's subtle enough and it needs to be at a time she is ready for such. Tease, not giving an answer seriously sometimes.

Setting a time to tell her about your quirks in a fascinating way or opinion on some subject/have a fun discussion, makes her look forward to getting to know more.

Don't compliment her, but be nice. Don't touch, let her come to you. Play hard to get a little maybe at first.

Tell her what you dislike if she does something you're not into, but not excessively.

Don't use emotes, don't baby-talk. Don't bend, stay straight like an invincible bull, but don't huff and puff if you don't get your way. Show that you're not easily distressed as best you can.

[Fnord's suggestions are nice, I wish there was a guide for guys too]

Hello
That is really good advice. I often wished i had a big sister to help me understand women better when i was growing up. I didn't want rejection so made myself unappealing quite deliberately until my mid 20s. I had long hair, an untidy flat, i smoked weed, didn't work much, played amiga for hours on end and didn't look after my personal hygiene particularly well. Once i decided it was time to meet someone it happened really quickly. We are still together 20 years on but not without many issues through the years....your advice would have been invaluable to me looking back...


Hi, thank you.
Good going, 20 years is a lot.
Why not now, have you already done everything I mentioned and more? Wouldn't be surprised with all that time at your disposal.

I have just discovered i have AS and my wife is NT. The statistics are against us and statistics are worth a wee look usually. We have 3 boys together all under 10 and they are our pride and joy as well as our priority in all things. We have decided after much deliberation to do our own things more often. She goes dancing and meeting new folk twice a week. I will travel more on days off indulging my interests much more. I plan to arrange to meet fellow aspies in time and find out about their lives, coping mechanisms etc. My wife and i know we will each be loyal to one another and warn each other well in advance should this be something that might change. She was so patient with me in the early years as i have sensory issues with touch as well as noise. The touch aspect seems better but i think a fair bit of damage was done back then which presents some awkwardness today. I used to not enjoy kissing either but have gotten over that. Of course i wasn't aware of AS throughout this time and it gives certain understanding to how our relationship has developed. 20 years. Lots has happened. We had completely different experiences prior to getting together but we have great love for each other. Too much information? Yes i know.....

Ah, good to know you have agreed on this and it's working out for you. Space can bring people closer in the time they do get together.

It's cool that you want to start to enjoy life more in your 40s, never too late. Did you argue more often prior to this decision? If you don't mind me asking, what did you do to capture her heart, and what has she done that worked?


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Cgordon73
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17 Jul 2019, 7:18 pm

We probably argued more often after we gave up weed around 13 years ago. I don't think we argue more than other couples. I got her hooked by being unusually aloof. I didn't recognise the signs that she was interested in me. I knew she 'liked' me because she'd come to visit me a lot and watch football and listen to tunes. I'd make her compilations comprising music by Tom Waits and other stuff i liked. I'd say goodbye at the door when she left - i didn't realise i could have kissed her. We liked dancing to techno and i asked if i could come with her to a town near Glasgow to stay overnight at her sister's. This would be at new year 2000. We went to a techno club she had told me about a lot and when midnight came i went for her cheek when presented unknowingly with her lips. We slept in the same bed that night. We touched feet very definitely but lightly but no more than that. I drove us home the following day and asked her out as we got close to our home city. She said yes and the rest is history. She has always been patient and kind to me. Loyal and steadfast. I don't know for sure where our relationship will end up but we will always love each other.


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Rexi
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17 Jul 2019, 8:12 pm

Cgordon73 wrote:
We probably argued more often after we gave up weed around 13 years ago. I don't think we argue more than other couples. I got her hooked by being unusually aloof. I didn't recognise the signs that she was interested in me. I knew she 'liked' me because she'd come to visit me a lot and watch football and listen to tunes. I'd make her compilations comprising music by Tom Waits and other stuff i liked. I'd say goodbye at the door when she left - i didn't realise i could have kissed her. We liked dancing to techno and i asked if i could come with her to a town near Glasgow to stay overnight at her sister's. This would be at new year 2000. We went to a techno club she had told me about a lot and when midnight came i went for her cheek when presented unknowingly with her lips. We slept in the same bed that night. We touched feet very definitely but lightly but no more than that. I drove us home the following day and asked her out as we got close to our home city. She said yes and the rest is history. She has always been patient and kind to me. Loyal and steadfast. I don't know for sure where our relationship will end up but we will always love each other.

That's beautiful. She does sound like a fairly patient woman. And you are a patient man too.
My boyfriend has been aloof for the first year but not unknowingly, but then he started doing stuff i liked. But hes talked pretty consistently to me in the most of our first year. For some reason I've always gotten the impression he disliked many things about me, and liked me less than other people in that first year and a bit after. But that was misunderstanding his words, he sometimes would say stuff that didn't really matter out of nowhere and I felt like our relationship always had issues and struggled to fix them and nothing seemed to work, but it didn't.



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17 Jul 2019, 10:44 pm

No tips here, just that it's possible. I'm self-diagnosed Aspie woman with an NT man who liked that I was different (teasing: he's an immigrant and didn't know better). I devour self-help books and classes and support groups (when I'm not kicked out); I'm Aspie and loyal while he's Capricorn and loyal. Twenty years in and we continue to improve (the relationship was fairly horrifying to start). My mom is Aspie with other aspects and my dad is NT; my parents relationship remains rocky but my mom wouldn't let them divorce ("we will not repeat the pattern your parents established"; they were separated for many and some long times). I worked with an Aspie man and I am fairly certain he was married to an Aspie woman (three children). My potentially Aspie BFF started dating at age 35 and has had three relationships which are rather platonic but suits her. It seems we all were introduced to our SOs by others or a shared activity. My NT husband pursued me; I had no clue. Wishing you mutual attraction soon!



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18 Jul 2019, 5:26 pm

Fnord wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
... It's much easier to land a good job if you get a master's degree in engineering than if you get a useless degree in philosophy. You might also want to consider learning a trade.
Learning an artistic talent in addition to a skill or trade is also a plus. If you can entertain people with music (instrument preferred to voice), then they will want to hang around you. Drawing and painting are also good, and if you can bake and cook well enough, people will invite themselves for lunch -- not always, but it happens to me.


For what it's worth, rapping has gotten me more female attention than guitar ever did. The idea is that it basically counts as both 'witty banter/making jokes' and 'making music'. Unlike singing it's less likely to disrupt a conversation and it's doesn't really use enough melody so it's an option for people who can't sing (since bad singing will usually hurt, not help).


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30 Jul 2019, 2:49 am

Kurgan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
... It's much easier to land a good job if you get a master's degree in engineering than if you get a useless degree in philosophy. You might also want to consider learning a trade.
Learning an artistic talent in addition to a skill or trade is also a plus. If you can entertain people with music (instrument preferred to voice), then they will want to hang around you. Drawing and painting are also good, and if you can bake and cook well enough, people will invite themselves for lunch -- not always, but it happens to me.


Learning to play the guitar helps. :) Much more than bulking up in the gym, but it's too late for me.

Guitars are gay. Why would someone pretend to just like something to impress a girl they want a serious relationship with? Isnt she supposed to be smart enough and seek sincerity?

why not a sax like Uncle J



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30 Jul 2019, 10:01 am

Rexi wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
... It's much easier to land a good job if you get a master's degree in engineering than if you get a useless degree in philosophy. You might also want to consider learning a trade.
Learning an artistic talent in addition to a skill or trade is also a plus. If you can entertain people with music (instrument preferred to voice), then they will want to hang around you. Drawing and painting are also good, and if you can bake and cook well enough, people will invite themselves for lunch -- not always, but it happens to me.


Learning to play the guitar helps. :) Much more than bulking up in the gym, but it's too late for me.

Guitars are gay. Why would someone pretend to just like something to impress a girl they want a serious relationship with? Isnt she supposed to be smart enough and seek sincerity?

why not a sax like Uncle J



The saxophone either sounds amazing (after years and years of practice) or it sounds awful -- and never anything in-between. :) Nobody is a mediocre sax player, but plenty of mediocre guitarists still manage to play music that's nice to listen to.


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