Long> How do I convince her I won't suicide if we broke up?

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ElmoTheDestroyer
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01 Aug 2019, 5:15 am

Hi,

Sorry for the length of the post but I’d really appreciate some advice/input!

Very long story short, I'm a high functioning autistic, never in my life had a relationship last more than a couple months.

I have basically 1 real friend left. She is my best friend; I've known her for 28+ years. She is the only person on the planet who understands me.

Its the same for her, she's bipolar, has had plenty of issues through her life (though doing great now) ... I understand her bipolar better than her own mom… We are eachothers best friends, very much Ying vs Yang, we very much compliment eachother the way a "good" relationship should be.

Tried dating when she was like 18, but her bipolar was too out of control and she called it off after a couple months because she was afraid her bipolar would hurt me (it was very out of control when she was young so I understood) ...

I was the only guy who really treated her right and connected really good (kind of love at first sight thing almost for us) Bluntly put, we love each other, kind of always have... Over the years we've talked about getting together again but she always panicked…

When she was younger she was always scared of her bipolar hurting me, and also she had a huge fear of actually having a relationship with someone she actually connected with/loved, so she always had relationships with losers, abusive dicks, alcoholics, etc… That way it didn’t hurt if things ended.

Last time she actually came to me about having a relationship, but then panicked about it and backed out. She’s so scared of having a relationship with someone she loves, and losing them.

Well, we were talking the other day, and the topic came up... She's got her bipolar under control enough that's not really an issue anymore, hasn’t been for years. However she does have a big fear, that especially with having a daughter now (age 5), she's worried about.

She knows I've never had any success with people because of autism... The autism stuff doesn't bother her at all, she understands it better than anyone I know, she's even read books to learn more about it because of our relationship.

I've given up on people, in general I don't talk to hardly anyone except her and a couple other old friends... Don't try to date anymore (seems impossible with my issues) ....

She knows what my problems are, she knows they aren't a problem for her in terms of having a relationship... She knows I'm a good person. However, she thinks, because I've never really had success with women long term, and because I've basically given up on the idea of having a long term relationship...

She thinks I'd kill myself... She thinks I'd have so much riding on this being the relationship that actually works, that will” save me from a life of loneliness”... The only "real" relationship of my life really... That if the relationship failed, especially if she did something because of her bipolar to cause it, that it would destroy me.

She knows I don't think I'll ever meet anyone who clicks the way we do, not even close, we've talked about it... lol, sadly she says the same thing, and neither of us have ever found this connection with anyone else… We just… It feels the way you think 2 souls connecting should feel.

So she thinks if our relationship failed, that I would lose all hope and it would lead to me killing myself. She's worried about that, the guilt, the pain it would cause her, and the possible trauma to her daughter.

lol, she's probably right about me losing hope to be honest I already have… lol, but dead wrong about suicide.

I could never do that to her. Straight up, could not happen. I know what that would do to her and the thought of putting her in that kind of pain, especially with guilt added in with her thinking she could have pushed me into that… The thought of it horrifies me.

I hate my life the way it is, being so alone... She knows how completely unhappy I am, and causing something devastating in my life when I'm already this sad/unhappy about my life, she really thinks will push me over the edge.

I hate to say it but I understand her concern...

I suppose from the outside it might look like someone in my shoes would take a failed relationship with the one person he's ever met he thinks there's a chance with, the only person he’s ever truly loved pretty hard.... But that's not who I am.

Hell, being someone as socially unaccepted as I am, having my best friend give me the chance to have a real life, a real relationship, with someone who totally understands all the autism stuff and has already learned how to deal with it (with enthusiasm!) ...

Even if she f****n' cheated on me, I'd be eternally grateful just for the chance to experience a real relationship in my life, especially with someone I really do love.

I see it as an absolute impossibility that she could do anything to cause me to kill myself, relationship ending or not. I’d forgive her before she did it. :)

Honestly if she found someone who made her happier than me who treated her as good or better, I’d be happy for her, even if I got left behind because of it.

I just want her to be happy and loved by someone worth her. If she’d be happier with someone else or something so be it. I’m totally OK going back to the best friend role that I’ve been in for decades. :)

That being said, I don’t think we’d ever actually break up. I think that's part of her fear is the fear of long term commitment to someone she actually truly cares about/loves. I’m not a loser like all her ex’s, so if something happens and it ends, it’s going to hurt in a unique way and she’s scared of that too.

Actually loving the person you’re with forces her to have real skin in the game, and that puts her in a different level of stress compared to dating people she doesn’t really care about (so she doesn’t get hurt when it ends)… Especially with valid fears (in her mind) of if I might kill myself.

Any ideas on how to approach this?

If I’m right and can get past her fear, I think both of us will have our first truly awesome relationship, which would be great at age 42.. lol, not getting younger! :) .. but she’s bipolar, and that fear is strong (both of the suicide thing and her hurting me and stuff)

Biggest issue now though is convincing her I not only wouldn’t be suicidal if we broke up, I’d probably be in a better place mentally than I am now for a lot of reasons.

So, any advice anyone still reading has would be super appreciated!

Thanks for taking the time to read this monster/mess. :) Look forward to hearing your input.

Thanks! :)



that1weirdgrrrl
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01 Aug 2019, 3:39 pm

She can't have much of a relationship with you if she's scared of hurting you.

If she gets over her fear and decides to give you a shot, I hope it works out for the best!

If she can't get over her fear, and you're cool with just being her friend, let her know that.

All the best :heart:


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SharonB
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01 Aug 2019, 5:06 pm

Keep you at a distance and keep you, because if she were to be closer to you, she could hurt and lose you. Is this the definition of fear of intimacy? I've not looked into that, but it seems that would be it, or very similar. Definitely some illogical thinking in regards to Risk, Cost-Benefit analyses, or else were missing some big parameter of the equation.

Wishing you two find a comfortable new good balance in your relationship.



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04 Aug 2019, 11:56 am

You could try telling her that the idea of someone spending the rest of their life single & being rejected by the one person they really connect with who cares about & understands them, could make them suicidal. NOT that it would happen to you but could affect someone in general like that. You could suggest that if you two were to get in a relationship, you'd be open to the idea of getting couples counseling to help the two of you work out whatever issues you may have. There's not a whole lot you can do otherwise since she's not thinking logically about things cuz of her fear of intimacy.


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