Interaction with a couple at the library

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Mona Pereth
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14 Feb 2020, 12:44 am

Marknis wrote:
I told them how my mother didn’t want any of her children to have any kids of their own and tried to get my siblings and I vasectomies but that didn’t happen. I told the couple I was the only one who still doesn’t have any children but it’s not because I don’t want a family but because I have Aspergers and even trying to get a coffee date feels impossible for me.

Do you often discuss your personal life at work, with random library patrons? Doesn't sound to me like a good idea.


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Mona Pereth
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14 Feb 2020, 12:54 am

Marknis wrote:
They brought up having a baby to me so I was compelled to talk.

Why not just say something like, "I don't have any kids myself, but congratulations, and good luck with your new baby!"

Marknis wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
It seems pretty inappropriate to me to bring up your personal issues at work to two strangers who were just trying to check out some books. Even if you weren't working and it was just a random conversation, it would still seem inappropriate and strange to bring up your issues to strangers the way you did.

The guy probably said what he said because he wanted to exit the situation, and didn't wish to engage with your problems, and why would he? You're just supposed to be the guy that helps them check out their books, not their therapy patient.


They were the first to say something, not me.

It's still, in general, not appropriate to discuss your personal problems with random library patrons. The only exception I can think of is if a library patron happens to mention that they have problems similar to yours, in which case you can briefly commiserate.


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Marknis
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14 Feb 2020, 12:37 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I told them how my mother didn’t want any of her children to have any kids of their own and tried to get my siblings and I vasectomies but that didn’t happen. I told the couple I was the only one who still doesn’t have any children but it’s not because I don’t want a family but because I have Aspergers and even trying to get a coffee date feels impossible for me.

Do you often discuss your personal life at work, with random library patrons? Doesn't sound to me like a good idea.


Not unless they bring up something related to relationships. I suppose I do it as a potential cry for help. I just hate how I’ve fallen so far behind others in the relationship curve and I am not getting any younger.



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14 Feb 2020, 1:02 pm

Random library patrons will not be able to help you.


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Marknis
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14 Feb 2020, 1:10 pm

XFilesGeek wrote:
Random library patrons will not be able to help you.


A bitter pill I’ve had to swallow.

One of the women I work with hopes one day a doctor or millionaire will come in and “sweep her off her feet”. Even I know that is a ridiculous expectation, especially since I’ve lived with two doctors (my parents) most of my life. They only wanted to date other doctors (both my parents cheated on each other) or others in high social status. A random librarian who doesn’t even read (she’s admitted this to me), has three kids from two different dads, and lives in the ghetto area of the city? Not likely.



Marknis
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14 Feb 2020, 2:44 pm

AngelRho wrote:

Time to take my own advice. If I can preach that Marknis should do it, I should be willing to do it myself. Maybe my next WP post will be from Austin! XD


Better come up for air on that. I feel like I wasn’t meant to live but to just suffer until I die.



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14 Feb 2020, 3:53 pm

Marknis wrote:
One of the women I work with hopes one day a doctor or millionaire will come in and “sweep her off her feet”.


But instead it will be a janitor, due to his sweeping experience.

“Look, we know you’re afraid of being left on the shelf…” her family will protest, “but how can you love someone who’s old, wrinkled, smells funny, and collects dust all day??”

“You said the same about my books!” the librarian lady will retort.

Then the couple will run off together to start a new chapter of their life, bride and broom.



AngelRho
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14 Feb 2020, 9:42 pm

Marknis wrote:
AngelRho wrote:

Time to take my own advice. If I can preach that Marknis should do it, I should be willing to do it myself. Maybe my next WP post will be from Austin! XD


Better come up for air on that. I feel like I wasn’t meant to live but to just suffer until I die.

I've often felt that way growing up.

In my case, it's reaching a point where I feel I've got nothing left to lose. Not that you care, but here's what happened:

My goal at school was to finish purchasing percussion equipment so I could transition from beginning concert drums to a more advanced drumline. And I mean something nice, not trash where kids just "make beats" on drums and dance around like a bunch of idiots and end up breaking everything. I had my list ready to go, when I was told I would not be getting the funding I needed. After I was told there would be no problem. It boils down to a select group of teachers, two in particular, who do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but waste oxygen and tuition money. The art teacher never does any kind of gallery, even though I've BEGGED the guy to put together an exhibit at the same time as a band concert. Absolutely NOTHING comes out of his studio. The elementary art teacher is even more worthless than he is. I'm the one actually DOING something useful around here and these idiots think they're entitled to what I've worked my tail off the last 4 years to earn. You wanna piss me off? THAT'S how you do it! And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I can't get full-time hours out of them. Can't get them to properly schedule my dual-enrollment course AND keep beginner band. I ask for more to do, and you know what I get? 1st period study hall (the library is empty). That's their version of giving me more responsibility, to just sit in a chair and rot.

The final nail in the coffin, as if my mind wasn't already made up, was my boss at the church got fired. Ok, OFFICIALLY he resigned, but we all know what that's code for. Sure, there were legit issues and he mostly did it to himself. But my takeaway from that is, truth be told, is you had a small group, and really just one individual, who held a grudge and put this guy under all kinds of pressure knowing he couldn't handle it. "They" got the personnel committee involved to the level something had to be done. They kicked him to the curb without so much as 2 weeks notice. Did he sleep with a deacon's wife? No. Was he embezzling money? No. Did he spend a night in jail for public drunkenness? No. Somebody simply didn't like him. That was it.

There is, of course, more to that story than needs to be shared here, and of course my role in all this has drastically changed--in admittedly a few positive ways. But I can't just make myself smile and be nice to these people who won't hesitate to stab us in the back, can I? But I do smile, make conversation, agree with pretty much everything, help demonstrated the organ they've been repairing, and blah, blah, blah. And that doesn't even account for the friction this has caused between me and at least one other staff member and some of our volunteers...not because I'm out looking for trouble, but because it's placed me in a difficult place in which I'm gonna piss someone off no matter what I do. I'm not even thinking about how to make everyone happy, but I'm being forced to take sides when there's no need for it.

I'm done, Marknis. I'm done with the liars, the traitors, and the hypocrites. There's nothing left for me here, man. On top of that, we're having another baby. In the 12 month period since August, we will have both lost a child and given birth, barely squeaking by with tuition, can't pay off our student loans, insurance isn't cooperating with the bills from the miscarriage... Now you tell me, Marknis, what do you think we're supposed to do?

If I'm being honest, Mark, I have to point out that these are young people problems we're having. We're both over 40 now. We're too old to still be here. When I think about the last 5 years, it really is entirely too long to be on this same hamster wheel. So we're leaving. And we're not going to worry about what happens if we end up homeless. Heck, we've been homeless before. When you reach the point being homeless is preferable to your status quo, as it is with us, you can go ANYWHERE and it won't matter to you what happens because ANYTHING is better than what you had.

I'm not saying all this to complain. I don't tolerate complaining from myself and I don't respect people who indulge in it. These kinds of difficulties are what you should expect when you're working to improve things, when you've actually done good work and you've proven yourself. You can expect opposition to happen because people will be greedy, entitled, and jealous. But I've also learned how important it is to keep a high standard for myself and hold others to that same standard. If people prove to me that I cannot expect anything better from them, I am free to cut them out of my life. When my wife got thrown out of the church, where were our friends? When I lost my job at the school, where were my friends? When another church staff member told me to pack my things and leave because I'd been accused of stealing food, where were those people who knew me better than to steal from the church that's paying my salary? Or that time my house got hit by a skunk and my boss went around asking people if I was a pothead? Or what about the teachers when my own kid was getting bullied...where were they? Or when the teacher was bullying my kid, where was the principal? Or when they ran off our music minister, did they bother coming to me to take over? No...and even when I point to when I got a raise at the church, all the money was for was to keep me on the piano bench and my mouth shut. I expected better. And I'm beginning to see that I'm not the one who failed, but rather this whole damned town that's letting me down. When people who work for you let you down, you fire them. But what about people like me who DO the work? What about us, when we are creative and bursting with great ideas with people coming out in droves to stand in our way and tell us "no"?

Complaining about it doesn't get us anywhere. ACTION does. I'm gonna fire my boss(es). I'm gonna fire the whole city, man. Because I KNOW it gets better. I've seen people who've done better because they were willing to move around. They know where they are wanted. They find their tribe. Why can't people like us have that, Mark? There's no reason. No reason at all. I'm not REALLY complaining, though I know I'm pointing out a lot negatives and dredging up ancient history. I'm actually joyful in the hardship because I've become fully aware that it's over. There are new possibilities now. And knowing our freedom is right around the corner makes us FEEL more free than we are at the moment. I'll be quietly removing my things from the church and from the school. I'll probably make a boatload of instructional videos to make available to the school so they'll have an easier time doing things like setting up the sound system and running it, etc. We need to make some house repairs so we can sell our property or convert it to a rental. If it takes another year, that's ok, too. But the first school job or church job that opens up we're GONE. About the only thing left I take any joy in is the local marathon.

We'll miss certain people. But like I said, when I or my family was threatened, where were those supposedly nice people? The church staff have a nasty revolving door, as does the school I work for. I was sure things would get better--they're only getting worse. So I'll miss some people and their kind words, but I won't really miss them THAT much.

I won't miss the near non-existent cellular data we use for internet at our house...

I won't miss being surrounded by mud.

I won't miss the mosquitoes.

I won't miss the smell.

I won't miss the potholes that never get filled.

I won't miss how our road goes completely under water at least twice a year.

I won't miss getting sick in August and again when harvest is in full swing.

I won't miss being miserable because I know I'm talented and so many people are lining up to stop me from doing anything.

There's nothing left to lose. It's time to let go. There's a lot of joy in coming to that realization. I understand if you aren't ready to do the same, Marknis, that's ok. I understand there may be reasons you absolutely can't, possibly owing to the level of control your mother has over your situation--or at least that's what I'm assuming. If you don't even have that much freedom, then I am truly sorry. It's hard to say goodbye to all you've ever known. That's where we are right now. But it's time. If you are able to just walk out, I encourage you to do it. I know it can be so much better. I hope one day you'll see that. Best wishes in the meantime.



Marknis
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15 Feb 2020, 9:54 pm

To clarify what I said, you can still move to Austin but I will still be suffering unless I haven’t finally committed suicide.



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15 Feb 2020, 10:54 pm

Syd wrote:
Marknis wrote:
One of the women I work with hopes one day a doctor or millionaire will come in and “sweep her off her feet”.


But instead it will be a janitor, due to his sweeping experience.

“Look, we know you’re afraid of being left on the shelf…” her family will protest, “but how can you love someone who’s old, wrinkled, smells funny, and collects dust all day??”

“You said the same about my books!” the librarian lady will retort.

Then the couple will run off together to start a new chapter of their life, bride and broom.


Thank you! This is hilarious-- Even the idea of being swept off one's feet is like a poorly-written romance novel itself. And the "bride and broom" part was perfection.


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15 Feb 2020, 11:04 pm

Marknis wrote:
XFilesGeek wrote:
Random library patrons will not be able to help you.


A bitter pill I’ve had to swallow.

One of the women I work with hopes one day a doctor or millionaire will come in and “sweep her off her feet”. Even I know that is a ridiculous expectation, especially since I’ve lived with two doctors (my parents) most of my life. They only wanted to date other doctors (both my parents cheated on each other) or others in high social status. A random librarian who doesn’t even read (she’s admitted this to me), has three kids from two different dads, and lives in the ghetto area of the city? Not likely.


That does seem like an odd expectation, like no millionaire is going to do that most likely. But its not the first time you have mentioned the whole ghetto thing about her. So she's a financially poor woman with three kids whos dad left just can't help feeling like your comments kind of indicate a judgemental attitude about her. Maybe the 'ghetto area' is all she can afford. And you said you wouldn't even be interested in dating her so why does her personal life situation matter to you? I mean when I first started my job there was one superviser girl that I thought was kind of abrasive and loud and IDK initially I felt I didn't like her. But now I feel bad about that because she is a good supervisor and she just doesn't take sh*t so I feel bad for just assuming she was a mean b*tcy person. I mean she doesn't know I assumed that but I know that I did. I mean I doubt we would have very much in common so a friendship probably is not likely but I can certainly respect her as a good co-worker that does her job well. So I mean with that girl at work, even if she seems kinda trashy or whatever...it is good practice to respect your co-workers even if they come from a different place or mindset than you do.

And just to be clear I am not judging you for having negative thoughts about people, I have that all the freaking time...Like people irritate me that I see in public and I mean yeah I can have some pretty bad thoughts, or have really judgemental thoughts about people. So its kind of an effort to try and keep that in check and remember I'm not perfect either so I should probably avoid judging other people but it is hard not to. But yeah her idea of the millionaire or doctor coming to sweep her off her feet is ridiculous...but with three kids and an absent dad, maybe she's stressed and maybe even being a little factitious like she knows it wont happen but she said it from frustration. Cause the whole movie idea of a nice rich guy coming in to save the day.

I mean she does not sound like the smartest person, but probably best to avoid judging her. Especially since its probably difficult for her raising the 3 children on her own if the dad just up and left. Maybe she made a bad choice getting with him but its done now and now she may very well be in a situation she was never expecting.



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18 Feb 2020, 2:20 am

The couple I interacted with at the library did not have a baby with them. They were just checking out books on parenting.

I might lose therapy now and I just can’t bear living for much longer without a girlfriend.



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18 Feb 2020, 7:40 am

General rule of thumb with people, especially customers, is to talk about them, make them feel special, and share positive feelings.