Something is wrong with me. Its the only explanation.

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Mona Pereth
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29 May 2021, 3:54 am

dorkseid wrote:
As an atheist, I avoid women who are serious about religion, whether its Christianity, Islam, or something else, as I see that as a compatibility issue.

Agreed that it's a compatibility issue. Alas, this no doubt contributes to your difficulties finding a mate, since women are more likely than men to be religious.

dorkseid wrote:
When it comes to Muslim women in particular, their culture is very strict about not getting involved with non-Muslim men. Plus they are not allowed to date, and instead are required jump straight into marriage without spending much time to get to know their future husbands beforehand. And of course any sexual relations prior to the wedding are strictly prohibited.

Western culture used to be a lot like this too. Although men and women were never quite as strictly segregated in the West as in many other places, arranged marriages were common in the West too until the 1800's or so, and pre-marital sex was an extreme taboo for women until the 1960's.

dorkseid wrote:
Personally, I am not fond of the idea of having to commit blindly to marrying someone before I can even get to know what she is like, either as a person or in the bedroom.

I would be surprised if anyone here likes that idea.

At the same time, it seems to me that mainstream modern Western dating rituals really suck too.

It is my hope that a bigger and better-organized autistic community can eventually create some good, robust alternatives.

dorkseid wrote:
I've considered dating ex-Muslims, but I don't know any who are single.

I have tried to contact EXMNA, but I never got a response from them.

Have you tried this ex-Muslim forum?


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dorkseid
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29 May 2021, 5:08 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

It is my hope that a bigger and better-organized autistic community can eventually create some good, robust alternatives.


Even if that does happen, its already too late for it to help me.

idntonkw wrote:
Why should women lower their expectations and date an autist? Women want to be like everybody else and date an interesting and exciting NT guy, not a boring/cold/lonely autist man.


This.



Benjamin the Donkey
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29 May 2021, 5:39 am

dorkseid wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:

It is my hope that a bigger and better-organized autistic community can eventually create some good, robust alternatives.


Even if that does happen, its already too late for it to help me.

idntonkw wrote:
Why should women lower their expectations and date an autist? Women want to be like everybody else and date an interesting and exciting NT guy, not a boring/cold/lonely autist man.


This.


No, not necessarily.

I'm diagnosed and clearly autistic --socially and physically awkward, easily overwhelmed by sensory overload, terrible executive functioning, prone to random monologuing--and I've dated many (attractive, intelligent) women. Some women even find our eccentricities charming.


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29 May 2021, 5:57 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
No, not necessarily.

I'm diagnosed and clearly autistic --socially and physically awkward, easily overwhelmed by sensory overload, terrible executive functioning, prone to random monologuing--and I've dated many (attractive, intelligent) women. Some women even find our eccentricities charming.


My experiences, and those of many others on this forum and elsewhere, have been the exact opposite.

My guess is there's some confounding variable at play. You may be tall or exceptionally handsome. Or it might be something less obvious.

Point is that you're the outlier.



Last edited by dorkseid on 29 May 2021, 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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29 May 2021, 6:20 am

dorkseid wrote:
I agree that losing weight will improve my health and make me feel much better, and it is something I need to do. But it will not help me when t comes to my dating problems. I've already explained at length why, even if I successfully turn around everything else going wrong in my life, its already too late to have the relationships I want at my age.

Why should I have to lower my expectations regarding an area of life that nobody else has to?! Is it because I'm lesser and unworthy of love?! Is it because I'm a freak?! !

It's not true that "nobody else has to."

You've already explained various unfortunate circumstances (not just your autism) that stopped you from forming a romantic relationship in your twenties.

It seems to me that you would be much happier, and much more likely to find a relationship, if you could let go of your fantasy ideal of what could have been if you had been luckier in your twenties. You can't turn back the clock. But it seems to me that you need to find a way to stop letting that stop you from moving forward.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 29 May 2021, 8:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

auntblabby
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29 May 2021, 6:43 am

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
it is not digital, not "either/or." you WILL feel better once you no longer are obese, you will move better and have less aches and pains. you will have more pride in your appearance even if you are still lonely. that is worth something. some of us just weren't made for social functioning. lowering one's expectations of life is one way to be less sad. much suffering in life [buddhist viewpoint] comes from expecting. stop expecting, and one source of suffering is gone.

Sounds good intellectually, but easier said than done. Any advice? How did you go about doing it?

just growing old, my friend :) things start to make an unusual kind of sense after a few decades of banging head against the walls of life. also i have seen what damage bad relationships do to people. it gave me a new perspective.



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29 May 2021, 7:42 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
It's not true that "nobody else has to."

You've already explained various unfortunate circumstances (not just your autism) that stopped you from forming a romantic relationship in your twenties.

It seems to me that you would be much happier, and much more likely to find a relationship, if you could let go of your fantasy ideal of what could have been had you been luckier in your twenties. You can't turn back the clock. But it seems to me that you need to find a way to stop letting that stop you from moving forward.


I wouldn't be any less miserable settling for someone I'm not attracted to than I am now. Besides, I already tried that once, and it was the biggest regret of my life.



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29 May 2021, 10:41 am

My sister (who is younger than me) got married in 2006 to a handsome, wealthy, and successful man who grew up in France, and they now have 4 children. A few years after that, my other sister (who is also younger than me) married a handsome and charming man with a successful business traveling to Dubai and bringing back clothes to sell in his store, and they have three children. Several years ago, my friend from middle/high school (who is also younger than me) who has a successful IT company got married to a lovely young lady and they have a few kids together.

So why didn't any of them need to lower their expectations?! Because none of them are f***ing losers, that's why!



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29 May 2021, 12:09 pm

dorkseid wrote:
I think its autism symptoms combined with some other factors.

I grew up in a Muslim society that was heavily gender segregated; social interactions between unrelated men and women were extremely limited, nobody had opposite se friendships, boys and girls went to separate schools, homes had separate guest rooms for men and women. When I return to the US and started university when I was 20, I had to learned how to talk to or interact with women. And because of my religious upbringing I had it stuck in my head for years that I shouldn't get involved with a woman except to get married, which tends to weird people out and scare them away.

In the decade following my graduation from university, I struggled to find and maintain stable employment. I did not have a vehicle or a driver's license for a number of years. And I became homeless because of unemployment several times. So for a large portion of my adult life I just didn't have the financial stability for a relationship.

I have a long history of struggling with metal illness, including emotional breakdowns and suicidal ideation.

I am an atheist, and formerly a Muslim, living in the Bible Belt.

Obesity has likely been a contributing factor in some cases. But I was in better shape when I was in my 20s, and I still got consistently rejected by women.

Ever since I broke up with my ex, it has been difficult to meet single women. 99% of women I've met in the past 12 years have been married or in relationships. And I'm not attracted to or interested in every woman I meet who is single. Most of the times when I met a single woman it was pretty obvious she's single for a reason. On the rare occasions when I did meet a single woman that I was interested in, she wasn't interested in me.


It's been my experience that ASD, breakdowns/meltdowns & suicidal thoughts are all treatable health conditions. I've been doing so and sharing about it here on the forums for ~9 years. But, with the exception of maybe a handful of people, the vast majority here either do not believe me and/or are not willing to do the work necessary to treat their own symptoms. Instead, they complain about how their symptoms negatively impact their life. No point in that, IMO. Worth trying something different to see if one gets different results, as I have, IMO YMMV.

You can learn to interact with others - and especially so with ASD symptoms treated and under better control. In My Experience over the last 9 years.

You can also affect change upon your body composition via diet and exercise.

Gotta do the work to control the things you can, which should improve your chances, and if nothing else at least make you healthier and happier for yourself even if you do fly solo. Also, from experience, I can attest to this. Even without ever having been in a relationship, I am definitely happier and healthier with ASD symptoms in check & being more physically fit.


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dorkseid
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29 May 2021, 2:02 pm

I have been treating my symptoms. I have been taking medications for my depression and anxiety. I have been going to therapy. I have tried changing things: I switched job fields multiple times, I moved to Ohio and back, I got my TESOL, I worked from home teaching English, I am currently attending grad school. And while those have given me unique and interesting experiences, none of them did anything to help my love life. I don't know what else you want from me.

I have improved my ability to interact with people, from both treatment and experience. I have had many friendships over the years, and a lot of those with women who actually find me quite charming and funny and enjoy spending time with me. But all of them only like me as a friend and none of them have ever been interested in me sexually or romantically.

You say you've never been in a relationship. But are you a virgin? Do you ever have flings or one night stands?

I have only had sex once in my entire life. It was in 2010. I was 28 and desperate to lose my virginity. I caught chlamydia and gonorrhea and the sex wasn't even any good. I have nothing to compare it to, but I felt nothing at all. It was like her vaginal muscles didn't exist. She was an avid smoker and when we kissed it was like licking the inside of an ashtray. The whole experience was just gross. That was the only time in my entire life when a woman wanted to have sex with me, and she even openly admitted that she had low self-esteem and would f**k anyone who gave her any attention.



goldfish21
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29 May 2021, 2:15 pm

I have had hundreds of flings & one night stands. As a gay man in decent physical condition, sex is easily obtained regardless of my traits. I've also been with a handful of women, so it's not as if it's Solely been the "easy to get," gay sex.


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29 May 2021, 2:29 pm

Stop calling yourself a loser. You’re talking nonsense.

If you’re a loser, I’m a worse loser. You’re doing things I can’t do.

I’m not a loser. So you’re not a loser.



Mona Pereth
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29 May 2021, 3:06 pm

idntonkw wrote:
Why should women lower their expectations and date an autist? Women want to be like everybody else and date an interesting and exciting NT guy, not a boring/cold/lonely autist man.

Speaking only for myself: I have always felt that people become "interesting and exciting" by doing interesting and exciting things, and/or via companionship with me around a shared love of things/topics/activities I find interesting and exciting. I have never seen "interesting and exciting" as an intrinsic quality of a person.


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Mona Pereth
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29 May 2021, 3:14 pm

dorkseid wrote:
I have only had sex once in my entire life. It was in 2010. I was 28 and desperate to lose my virginity. I caught chlamydia and gonorrhea and the sex wasn't even any good. I have nothing to compare it to, but I felt nothing at all. It was like her vaginal muscles didn't exist. She was an avid smoker and when we kissed it was like licking the inside of an ashtray. The whole experience was just gross.

Indeed this sounds gross. But it seems to me there might be a happy middle ground somewhere between "lowering your standards" to this extent and clinging to an impossible dream.

Also, use a condom next time!


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29 May 2021, 3:55 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
I have had hundreds of flings & one night stands. As a gay man in decent physical condition, sex is easily obtained regardless of my traits. I've also been with a handful of women, so it's not as if it's Solely been the "easy to get," gay sex.


I did not mean to imply that gay sex is easy to get. Most people I know, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, have no problem obtaining sex even when they are not in a relationship. At least not to the extent I do.



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29 May 2021, 4:02 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Speaking only for myself: I have always felt that people become "interesting and exciting" by doing interesting and exciting things, and/or via companionship with me around a shared love of things/topics/activities I find interesting and exciting. I have never seen "interesting and exciting" as an intrinsic quality of a person.


I discussed that topic in this thread: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=397342

I've known many women over the years who have found me interesting and exciting, but they all still were only interested in me as a friend.

Mona Pereth wrote:
But it seems to me there might be a happy middle ground somewhere between "lowering your standards" to this extent and clinging to an impossible dream.


And how is something that has been achieved by every other person I know an impossible dream? Unless what you mean is that its an impossible dream only for me.