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Brainiac42
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12 Jun 2021, 1:17 pm

My girlfriend asked me if I liked a painting she bought, I said I didn’t love it, and she got upset. Should I have said that I liked it even though I didn’t? Or is she in the wrong for being upset at my honest answer? Should I lie to make her happy?



hurtloam
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12 Jun 2021, 5:35 pm

This is one I struggle with. I would never ask someone if they liked something I bought for my house. I like it, I don't care if you do. It's going in my house not yours.

But, NTs will do this for validation. I guess the correct answer is to say something complimentary about it. You don't have to say you love it, but maybe be find something about it you can make a positive comment about.



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12 Jun 2021, 6:26 pm

This may always be one of the most difficult areas for someone with ASD, because you aren’t sure if they are looking for help with a decision (in which case negative feedback is OK), or for affirmation (in which case negative feedback needs to be avoided at all costs).

I suggest trying some more neutral responses when you can’t say with full honesty that you like something:

“I don’t feel qualified to say anything about this art style”

“I haven’t much experience with art”

Or turning the conversation so you don’t have to give an opinion:

“What would you like to do with it?”

“What drew you to it?”

“Horses! You really do love horses, don’t you?”


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Brainiac42
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12 Jun 2021, 7:14 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
This may always be one of the most difficult areas for someone with ASD, because you aren’t sure if they are looking for help with a decision (in which case negative feedback is OK), or for affirmation (in which case negative feedback needs to be avoided at all costs).

I suggest trying some more neutral responses when you can’t say with full honesty that you like something:

“I don’t feel qualified to say anything about this art style”

“I haven’t much experience with art”

Or turning the conversation so you don’t have to give an opinion:

“What would you like to do with it?”

“What drew you to it?”

“Horses! You really do love horses, don’t you?”


Thank you that’s very helpful.



nick007
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12 Jun 2021, 11:09 pm

This is NOT a situation where either of you are in the wrong. It's just a very common misunderstanding that goes along with us being autistic. That said I think it would be helpful for you to apologize to her. Don't apologize for being honest but do apologize for upsetting her, let her know that it was not your intent at all. You could explain that you don't know the correct thing to say in those situations & if your girlfriend knows you are autistic, you could mention that this is a very common autistic thing. Some autistics can not lie at all including white lies when they know that they are supposed to lie to make somebody feel good. If she knows that this is an autism thing she might be more understanding that you were being honest & NOT trying to upset her. She also might be less likely to ask you questions in the future when she is just looking for validation & not wanting to hear any negative honest opinions.


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