Should autists get married through 'trickery'?

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Is getting married worth it for autists?
Yes 30%  30%  [ 7 ]
No 22%  22%  [ 5 ]
Maybe 48%  48%  [ 11 ]
Total votes : 23

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05 Oct 2021, 9:40 am

The above statement from Rexi.



magz
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05 Oct 2021, 11:19 am

Rexi wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Even in the NT-NT world, the one most common thing that a lot of NT women complain about is the usual men's lack of emotional expression (and attention) and their failure to fulfill their 'emotional needs'. This is a recurring common complain that I've heard literally hundreds of times perhaps from hundreds of women of different personality types in my lifetime so far.

So even a lot of NT men struggle to fulfill this one, let alone Aspie men.

I think it's the toxicity of "and they lived happily ever after" culture.
People (not just women) spoon-fed with Hollywood fairy tales often have totally unrealistic expectations about long-term relationships.

I disagree with this. No matter how I tried logically getting my being to listen, I just cant thrive healthily with partners who eentually become emotionally unavailable. I've had dozens of relationships with all sorts of people ranging from spectrum to NT and NPD and it's not workable for me. I'm very much better when I'm single. It's not that I entertain that mindset but I can't work through the mental drawbacks which are extreme for me, it caused a range of mental issues for me like for example psychoticism day to day, especially if there was absolutely no seeing my partners. One of the reasons why I seeked multiple partners as well as a lesser attachment factor that couldve affected me in a lesser way. Because why not set myself for success through structure. It aided but not enough and it's not sustainable long-term.
I might have not expressed myself clearly enough: by Hollywood toxicity of "and they lived happily ever after", I mean people expecting that once they find a partner and marry, all their problems (in particular, emotional problems) will be gone.
They won't.
Keeping a relationship in a state of connection requires effort from both sides. And, in many cultures, men and women are not brought up to recognize and navigate this reality.


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05 Oct 2021, 11:59 am

magz wrote:
Rexi wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Even in the NT-NT world, the one most common thing that a lot of NT women complain about is the usual men's lack of emotional expression (and attention) and their failure to fulfill their 'emotional needs'. This is a recurring common complain that I've heard literally hundreds of times perhaps from hundreds of women of different personality types in my lifetime so far.

So even a lot of NT men struggle to fulfill this one, let alone Aspie men.

I think it's the toxicity of "and they lived happily ever after" culture.
People (not just women) spoon-fed with Hollywood fairy tales often have totally unrealistic expectations about long-term relationships.

I disagree with this. No matter how I tried logically getting my being to listen, I just cant thrive healthily with partners who eentually become emotionally unavailable. I've had dozens of relationships with all sorts of people ranging from spectrum to NT and NPD and it's not workable for me. I'm very much better when I'm single. It's not that I entertain that mindset but I can't work through the mental drawbacks which are extreme for me, it caused a range of mental issues for me like for example psychoticism day to day, especially if there was absolutely no seeing my partners. One of the reasons why I seeked multiple partners as well as a lesser attachment factor that couldve affected me in a lesser way. Because why not set myself for success through structure. It aided but not enough and it's not sustainable long-term.
I might have not expressed myself clearly enough: by Hollywood toxicity of "and they lived happily ever after", I mean people expecting that once they find a partner and marry, all their problems (in particular, emotional problems) will be gone.
They won't.
Keeping a relationship in a state of connection requires effort from both sides. And, in many cultures, men and women are not brought up to recognize and navigate this reality.

Because at least one childhood trap is present in adulthood (no matter how good parenthood was, there's no such a thing as perfection), I think it (or they if they are multiple) manifests especially in romantic relationships or closer relationships and it makes life harder emotion-wise than being single.


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05 Oct 2021, 12:20 pm

Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
magz wrote:
And what if your 13 year old starts declaring to be atheist and hate your church?

You seem to treat your potential spouse very instrumentally.

I would get my family bishop and preacher at the church involved to try to help us with a Bible study and shepherding help to know what to do.I think my kids will be less likely to become atheist in the futute while they are with me because I plan on homeschooling all of them using evangelical fundamentalist and/or church of Christ material.

Mind control can work on little ones but eventually when theyre adults your control of what you aim them to be when they grow up will no longer be effective. If they believe there is no God out there, they could only pretend it's not true to appease you but no one can truly control belief. Why do you want them to believe what you do instead of allowing them to form their own opinion and trust them that it's the best for them? The only thing that control does is severe bonds, trust, reliability, joy and honesty.

I believe people need to stop this whole selfish way of desiring children and desiring them to actually be drones that satisfy their needs. In desiring children people have to desire to give quality home, education, love and life that is what the child needs, not what they personally need. If your child would need to socialize and learn as well as would do well and make friends, that would be a bad decision to keep them home because of your insecurity and obsession with a certain religious belief.

Some people give children to their partners as gifts to show emotion, a child is not bribery nor is it a watch or a jewelry. A child needs responsibility. Others want children to take care of them in their old age and in their blindness dont care if their spouse or child suffers.

A child is not there because you saw it in a movie, you wanted your own and can have it but can't sustainably offer it what it needs. Or because you want to show off or prove something to yourself. A child is not a species propagation item (and wake up, earth is full of humans). A child is not a dna perish item, each trait is available in the world and in orphans in many individuals unrelated to you, and you cannot control the outcome. If people with rare diseases strive to prevent their disease from going on, and if the state and nature wants to avoid relative mating, why would you not be thoughtful before you bring in the world someone who will not feel as good as they could on a daily basis.

A child won't fix your issues, especially relationship ones. They will challenge them until you will break up. A child needs a family, not a single parent. Stability. A child is a lifelong commitment that can't be pushed on others such as elderly grandparents for convenience.


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05 Oct 2021, 12:44 pm

Nades wrote:
Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
idntonkw wrote:
Essentially, if autists make bad partners, and getting married requires misleading the other person, for them to eventually realize they feel lonely and unfulfilled with you.. is getting married worth it?

I plan on getting married.I feel like i have no other choice to marry to fulfil certain things like relations.I dont plan on engaging in too much trickery to get married but some will be involved.I want to marry my soulmate and have kids.But I really just want to get kids to check a box to meet a requirement for leadership positions at church and to have kids of my own that i can leave my money to and for the family name to live and so i can have descendents of my own.I plan on telling my wife all my plans for our future together.I guess i just feel like I want to get married because of religious norms.For me marriage is worth it but for a lot of people in our situation it may not be worth it.Those are just my 2 cents.


That's not a good enough reason to have kids.

On the subject of trickery, there should be none in my eyes unless it's to avoid being discriminated against.

I'm appalled how some people like Texasman don't care about their behavior or relationship but at the same time desire children to have descendants of their own and a "soulmate" if they can even comprehend what that means. I mean at what point does one look upon where theyve come and what they are giving to the world and not even world but the people close to them like a wife and kids and expect them to be satisfaction checklist items for them while not being expected to give back anything. At this point whom would not regret being his wife and children? I pity those who he will use for his own satisfaction but care not about. I wish he can change and better himself.

I mean even the words themselves "to fulfil a checkbox" sounds like he's not even serous and is aware of it. That's a nightmare.


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