Putting People Up On Pedestals

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funeralxempire
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21 Aug 2021, 3:45 pm

Does anyone else experience this?
Does anyone else have coping strategies?

When I'm interested in someone I (understandably) hold them in very high regard. This always leads to feeling like I'm wasting their time and not worth their time and attention. I end up being sketchy, anxious and withdrawn because I'm too worried of f*****g things up.

There's a woman I used to work with for a few years and always found overwhelmingly attractive. I was briefly reassigned to Plant 1 and was able to get her ##, we've talked off and on since. Neither of us work there anymore and she recently reached out and started talking again. I think it's reasonable to conclude that she might be interested but I also get overwhelmed sometimes when it comes to reaching out.

Not reaching out enough is basically rejecting her whether I intend it that way or not, but yet I'm so worried about being rejected I can't seem to be brave enough to risk it even though not risking it will have the same outcome.

Any suggestions on coping? Compartmentalizing? Valium?


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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Aug 2021, 3:48 pm

Stop being a p ussy.









I mean... change that avatar.


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funeralxempire
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21 Aug 2021, 3:54 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Stop being a p ussy.









I mean... change that avatar.


Don't worry, I've got many more Lulu avatars to make use of. :mrgreen:


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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Aug 2021, 4:04 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Stop being a p ussy.









I mean... change that avatar.


Don't worry, I've got many more Lulu avatars to make use of. :mrgreen:


You didn’t get the message? :mrgreen:


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funeralxempire
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21 Aug 2021, 7:14 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You didn’t get the message? :mrgreen:


I have autism, I don't usually get messages. :oops:


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Mountain Goat
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21 Aug 2021, 7:42 pm

Best advice is to bring some steps or a ladder so they can get down of the pedastals that you have put them up on?



Violet_Stardust
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22 Aug 2021, 4:21 pm

I can relate. On the rare occasion that I develop a crush on a girl, she becomes an idol in my mind.

So, you’re definitely not alone.

As far as advice? I have none. But Mountain Goat said the perfect thing. I audibly said, “aha!” when I read it. :idea:



Benjamin the Donkey
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22 Aug 2021, 9:07 pm

Pedestals are for statues, not people. Don't idolize other humans.


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funeralxempire
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22 Aug 2021, 9:17 pm

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Don't idolize other humans.


Easier said than done, even if I recognize it as unhealthy.


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23 Aug 2021, 1:21 am

Quote:
When I'm interested in someone I (understandably) hold them in very high regard. This always leads to feeling like I'm wasting their time and not worth their time and attention. I end up being sketchy, anxious and withdrawn because I'm too worried of f*****g things up.

I think it's fine to hold people in high regard as long as you don't make it a pressure for them to live up to your image. I hold my wife for the most wonderful person in the world and treat her accordingly. Doesn't mean she doesn't have inabilities or screws up at times. But there's is nobody else in the world like her and it is just for being herself that I like her.

Important though to not let that refect back on you. It's really about the person and not you. If you mess up, then you messed up, not the person you like, right? If the person also holds you in high regard, you'll be forgiven, because you are appreciated for who you are. If the person does not appreciate you for who you are, then you should ask you whether they deserve your high regard. Perhaps you're imagining a person that doesn't exist.



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Aug 2021, 1:46 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
Best advice is to bring some steps or a ladder so they can get down of the pedastals that you have put them up on?


Or just kick the pedestal.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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26 Aug 2021, 10:27 am

Nobody's perfect, although some precious lil "people" act like they perfect and anything different, bad and wrong

Dichotomous thinking



AngelL
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27 Aug 2021, 4:30 pm

No matter who the object of your affections are - no matter how perfect they are, how attractive, how kind, intelligent, and all around awesome they are - they have an ex that wonders what the heck they were thinking when they started dating THAT one.

All I can tell you regarding your undying esteem of them is...it'll die. It doesn't mean that the relationship will necessarily die, but that the rose-colored glasses eventually become corrective lenses and you'll see them for what they are - the good and bad. If you're able to trust that will come to pass, it may help you rein yourself in.



HeroOfHyrule
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27 Aug 2021, 4:56 pm

I do the same thing, but I call it "idealizing" someone. I am often relatively blind to people's "flaws" when I really like them (well, I do notice them, but I sure spend a lot of time shoving them under the rug like I didn't!), and find it very hard to interact with them because I don't want to ruin my chances with them, even if my goal is to just be friends. Actually, I have gotten a lot better at it over the past year and don't have much of an issue with it now.

I think reminding myself that everyone has flaws, and that due to that people will be more understanding of my flaws and any awkward interactions I have with them is helpful, even if the latter isn't entirely true. Reminding myself to keep a mental "note" of the "flaws" someone I'm idealizing has is also helpful. Not to be petty or use it against them, but to recognize them, not ignore them, and to come to terms with them. It basically takes a lot of sitting yourself down, rationalizing things, and re-rationalizing them.



nick007
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27 Aug 2021, 7:54 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Nobody's perfect, although some precious lil "people" act like they perfect and anything different, bad and wrong

Dichotomous thinking
This may sound like a contradiction but a major requirement I have for considering somebody to be perfect is that they believe that they are imperfect. They may be very imperfect but they can be perfect for me.

The only people I put on pedestals is a crush who very likely literally does not even know I exist & also both my exes & my current girlfriend in the beginning of our relationships. I screwed up both my previous relationships by becoming controlling when the realization started to hit me that they were not perfect. I tried to get them to become perfect. After screwing my 2nd relationship up I realized that my BAD OCD & BAD anxiety were major factors & I got on OCD & anxiety medication shortly before getting in my current relationship. I woulda majorly sabotaged my current relationship a long time ago if I wasn't on those meds. I thought I was a much better person with both my exes than I was without them & it made my very insecure. I know that my current girlfriend is far from perfect & I started seeing that more after we moved in together but I also know that I am very far from perfect myself & it is impossible for me to be perfect. That said I do try to work on & improve myself how I can & I try to help & suppo0rt my girlfriend with things how I can. As for my crush, that started when I was chronically single & very lonely & it quickly turned into a little bit of a delusional disorder. If any person is truly perfect, I'm certain it's her. I can accept not having a romantic relationship with her but I at least want to be her friend.


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31 Aug 2021, 11:01 am

There's a logical fallacy called the "Halo Effect", where people see 1 trait of someone and judge the person's other traits by it. (i.e. assuming the person is trustworthy because they're attractive, or assuming that you both have compatible lifestyles because you have a few interests in common).

When you first meet someone, there are a lot of unknown variables. Go by what you know. All you know about them is the things they've said and done so far. Assuming what they would be like as a partner is premature.