Dating a virgin for the first time.

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Nades
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23 Oct 2021, 6:54 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Why do you keep dating people you don't even like or respect Nandes? Are you not good enough for people you actually like?


How is simply asking if leaving dating until almost 30 is a red flag even disrespectful?

Nobody knows if they like someone after such a short time too.

As AquaineBay implied, leave something long enough and then having a sudden urge to partake will always result in people making assumptions and wondering why the sudden change of mind.

If someone almost 30 years old suddenly decides to start dating (man or woman) then people will wonder why and whether they're actually able to handle a relationship at all after a lifetime.kf.being intentionally single.



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23 Oct 2021, 7:01 pm

If you care for her, why does it even matter? Aside from knowing you'd likely need to take things slowly... And that might even occur if someone had been dating but ended up being abused.



Nades
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23 Oct 2021, 7:15 pm

Blue_Star wrote:
If you care for her, why does it even matter? Aside from knowing you'd likely need to take things slowly... And that might even occur if someone had been dating but ended up being abused.


Caring about someone doesn't mean that nothing matters anymore. I'm at the age now where I want to settle down into a a decent sexual relationship and at my age now, I don't want to deal with a load of head work assuming she's dug herself into a hole.



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23 Oct 2021, 7:19 pm

Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Why do you keep dating people you don't even like or respect Nandes? Are you not good enough for people you actually like?


How is simply asking if leaving dating until almost 30 is a red flag even disrespectful?

Nobody knows if they like someone after such a short time too.

As AquaineBay implied, leave something long enough and then having a sudden urge to partake will always result in people making assumptions and wondering why the sudden change of mind.

If someone almost 30 years old suddenly decides to start dating (man or woman) then people will wonder why and whether they're actually able to handle a relationship at all after a lifetime.kf.being intentionally single.


Does she have a social life and a circle of friends? That might be worth considering since if she maintains friendships well could be she can handle a relationship just fine. That said though even if she couldn't handle a relationship with you, that would not necessarily mean she can't handle any relationship.

I think really I get the impression you would have a hard time dealing with it, if she is a bit more emotionally needy, like if she has confidence issues or things. But it is too early to say if that is the case. Does kind of seem like you might come of a bit abrasive and might not seem very emotionally available(sorry if I am making a bad assumption) which for a woman with a higher need of emotional support that may not be a good fit if that makes sense.

Your want of a family does confuse me a bit though as children are extremely needy, are you sure you want to deal with babies and kids? Not trying to derail but that part does confuse me a bit...like if you prefer a more idk 'rugged independent' woman who doesn't really need anyone rather than someone who'd lean on you a bit more seems the last thing you'd want is dependent children.



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23 Oct 2021, 7:35 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Why do you keep dating people you don't even like or respect Nandes? Are you not good enough for people you actually like?


How is simply asking if leaving dating until almost 30 is a red flag even disrespectful?

Nobody knows if they like someone after such a short time too.

As AquaineBay implied, leave something long enough and then having a sudden urge to partake will always result in people making assumptions and wondering why the sudden change of mind.

If someone almost 30 years old suddenly decides to start dating (man or woman) then people will wonder why and whether they're actually able to handle a relationship at all after a lifetime.kf.being intentionally single.


Does she have a social life and a circle of friends? That might be worth considering since if she maintains friendships well could be she can handle a relationship just fine. That said though even if she couldn't handle a relationship with you, that would not necessarily mean she can't handle any relationship.

I think really I get the impression you would have a hard time dealing with it, if she is a bit more emotionally needy, like if she has confidence issues or things. But it is too early to say if that is the case. Does kind of seem like you might come of a bit abrasive and might not seem very emotionally available(sorry if I am making a bad assumption) which for a woman with a higher need of emotional support that may not be a good fit if that makes sense.

Your want of a family does confuse me a bit though as children are extremely needy, are you sure you want to deal with babies and kids? Not trying to derail but that part does confuse me a bit...like if you prefer a more idk 'rugged independent' woman who doesn't really need anyone rather than someone who'd lean on you a bit more seems the last thing you'd want is dependent children.



Needy kids don't bother me because that's what kids naturally are, needy. They are kids afterall.

Needy women on the other hand at my age I find annoying, as do most men to be honest. She seems OK so far. She can hold down a full time job but she never mentions much about her friends. She's very close to her family and lives with her parents and I would say her social life revolves more around them than friend.

She seems to interact inwards towards her family than outward towards others.



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24 Oct 2021, 4:10 am

Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Why do you keep dating people you don't even like or respect Nandes? Are you not good enough for people you actually like?


How is simply asking if leaving dating until almost 30 is a red flag even disrespectful?

Nobody knows if they like someone after such a short time too.

As AquaineBay implied, leave something long enough and then having a sudden urge to partake will always result in people making assumptions and wondering why the sudden change of mind.

If someone almost 30 years old suddenly decides to start dating (man or woman) then people will wonder why and whether they're actually able to handle a relationship at all after a lifetime.kf.being intentionally single.


Ah, so you are you looking for us to give you some reassurance to keep trying with her or asking us if you should stop trying now and move on? You are getting older and really want to settle down, so you are looking for clues to make sure you don't waste time on someone who isn't a right fit?

I think I might actually understand now.

Hmm. If you are racing against a clock that doesn't help things develop naturally. You can't know everything you need to know about new people now.

It takes time.

I had a friend who just wasn't interested in anyone until she met her husband and fell head-over-heels in her mid 20s. They've been together for 15 years. So you never know.

I understand that the gambling nature of getting to know new people is annoying for those of us who like to analyse everything before making a decision. It's not as easy as choosing a new car insurer. You can't read their policies and read other people's reviews to make a decision.

I always feel like the guys on here write scathing critiques of their dates and never anything of what they actually like about these women. Do they have no other redeeming qualities other than being an available woman? At least the NT women who look for advice seem to have feelings, even if they do use way to many ellipse and emojis. They love. They are frustrated, but they care.

Women want to be loved and cherished and respected. These threads really put me off dating. Men seem to just view us as commodities (yeah I know female gold diggers do that too), but I know so many women who were just convenient for men and have never been loved even though they were married for years. I just wonder if the average man can love and if loving ones are a genetic quirk.

There you go. Some sleep made me less hostile and more able to express the feelings your post brought up. I'm just so disillusioned with how harsh and uncaring society is and therefore how harsh dating is.



Muse933277
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24 Oct 2021, 9:18 am

The OP's mindset is how a lot of women 25+ and especially 30+ would feel about meeting a guy who's never had a gf or never had sex, let's be honest.



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24 Oct 2021, 9:39 am

I must say I was a bit worried about having sex with my bf for the first time. I hadn't been active for quite a while and he hadn't been for many years more than me.

It actually turned out to be the best sex I had ever had. Mainly because both of us are so into each other and we are compatible.



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24 Oct 2021, 11:48 am

Muse933277 wrote:
The OP's mindset is how a lot of women 25+ and especially 30+ would feel about meeting a guy who's never had a gf or never had sex, let's be honest.


"Just because everyone else is doing it I can too".

I'm not irritated by the question. I'm irritated that people aren't seeing each other as individuals with qualities to love and get to know.

Right, now this subreddit is toxic and we all agreed to not link to it, but I have started following it since Boo suggested it and this thread someone started today is exactly what I'm talking about.

People want to be seen as individuals, not just a plus one box that gets ticked.

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qeq6zh/one_of_the_most_bittersweet_but_ultimately/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Edit: a lot of the things said in that link are awful, horrible demeaning terminology, but what I'm highlighting is how the women want to be seen for who they are, like the one who was excited to go to Rome and her boyfriend only wanted to go to restaurants. There was no personal connection.

The thing that really puzzles me in this thread here on WP and others and with the last guy I dated: is why any of you date people you don't actually like or have real interest in.

I don't go out with guys I don't like on a personal level.



Last edited by hurtloam on 24 Oct 2021, 1:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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24 Oct 2021, 11:55 am

Muse933277 wrote:
The OP's mindset is how a lot of women 25+ and especially 30+ would feel about meeting a guy who's never had a gf or never had sex, let's be honest.


I don't really think a lot of dating hypotheticals since I'm already in a relationship. But idk If I was single and met a guy I liked who was a virgin I think I'd probably give them a chance that would be the only way to determine if they're sexually compatible or not. If not, then no I would not settle for an unsatisfying sex life and would break it off...being 32 I do feel too old to deal with that.

But unlikely I will be single any time soon.



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24 Oct 2021, 12:02 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
The OP's mindset is how a lot of women 25+ and especially 30+ would feel about meeting a guy who's never had a gf or never had sex, let's be honest.


I don't really think a lot of dating hypotheticals since I'm already in a relationship. But idk If I was single and met a guy I liked who was a virgin I think I'd probably give them a chance that would be the only way to determine if they're sexually compatible or not. If not, then no I would not settle for an unsatisfying sex life and would break it off...being 32 I do feel too old to deal with that.

But unlikely I will be single any time soon.


To be fair the OP has pointed out that he is giving her a chance in that he didn't immediately drop her when he found out she was a virgin.

The thing that's grinding my gears is how condescending he is about it: " I find this woman is lacking, but I shall grace her with my time and energy even though I think she is probably beneath me."

Yuck.



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25 Oct 2021, 1:20 am

Muse933277 wrote:
The OP's mindset is how a lot of women 25+ and especially 30+ would feel about meeting a guy who's never had a gf or never had sex, let's be honest.


It’s why I hate dating now just because of questions like this. ie. There’s always the 99% chance of being asked something like “why never married yet?” by the potential date. Every, f-ing time.

The OP’s ladyfriend may be in same position; and got stuck into this vicious cycle (avoiding dating due to stigma) and got fed up about it since a while.


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25 Oct 2021, 1:41 am

To be fair I don't see why this woman being a virgin is a big deal. It might be unusual at her age but it's certainly not unheard of.

I sometimes wish I had waited until I met the right person for me.

She might not be as naive as op is thinking.



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25 Oct 2021, 2:13 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
The OP's mindset is how a lot of women 25+ and especially 30+ would feel about meeting a guy who's never had a gf or never had sex, let's be honest.


I don't really think a lot of dating hypotheticals since I'm already in a relationship. But idk If I was single and met a guy I liked who was a virgin I think I'd probably give them a chance that would be the only way to determine if they're sexually compatible or not. If not, then no I would not settle for an unsatisfying sex life and would break it off...being 32 I do feel too old to deal with that.

But unlikely I will be single any time soon.


So you would be setting a mission impossible for the virgin if you give them only “a chance” to determine his sexual worth : he’s a virgin, 0 experience, he will surely fail at first (especially if he knows that you're way more experienced than him and testing his performance), it is like "satisfy me now, or else you're out" thing.

He would surely need some time to become experienced in this.

Actually, that attitude would be too much pressure even on a non-virgin guy having it with you for the first time.


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25 Oct 2021, 4:44 am

cyberdad wrote:
On your last point, no woman will make moves and few give signals. Women wait for men to create situations/make offers. They don't want a man who wants them to make all the decisions.

This is an overgeneralization. There do exist sexually aggressive women.

But a virgin is unlikely to be aggressive, of course.


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25 Oct 2021, 9:42 am

I feel like there is a perhaps a double standard or hypocrisy here, because some of the remarks are saying that the OP is being shallow perhaps, for thinking of a woman still be a virgin as a red flag.

However, lots of women think it's a red flag if men are still virgins past their 20s, all the time, and it's considered 'normal', to think that way about guys who are.

However, if a woman is still a virgin later on in life, and the guy thinks of this as red flag, then people think it's 'shallow' of him. But isn't it a double standard, if a woman thinks of it as a red flag, then it's normal, but if a man thinks of it as one, that it's shallow?