Dating a virgin for the first time.

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hurtloam
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30 Oct 2021, 5:30 am

Oh wait. I met one of my best friends through a bloke I fancied. I met him on a country walk and again at a meal out with friends. I was supposed to meet him again with a group of friends who went to a jazz concert. I hate jazz, so wasn't that bothered about going. Anyhoo, me not turning up, he took it I wasn't interested and asked someone else to be his girlfriend. Years later I found out he really, really liked me. Nor enough to wait a couple if weeks obviously. He still stayed friends with me and I met my good female friend at a party he and his girlfriend invited me to. He actually tried to set me up with one of his friends after that. We didn't click.



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Oct 2021, 2:20 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Meeting people through mutual acquaintances.


That’s not really… a british exclusive thing.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Oct 2021, 2:22 pm

But it’s very British, nevertheless.



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Oct 2021, 2:25 pm

Sure, only if they drink tea while at it.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Oct 2021, 2:27 pm

Tea with milk**.

:eew:


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that1weirdgrrrl
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30 Oct 2021, 3:23 pm

hurtloam wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Meeting people through mutual acquaintances.


Hanging out in a group of friends and not confessing your attraction until your both too drunk to care about embarrassment. (I jest).


:lol: :lol: :lol:


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Nades
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15 Nov 2021, 8:26 am

A little update. I went to see her yesterday again on a much calmer date that the previous. On that date she seemed to show a couple of signs of easily becoming stressed out like getting lost on the way to the meet up spot despite it being very close. She told me she hasn't really left her town much and even a very significant historical attraction about 8 miles from her home she hasn't seen yet or the surrounding town it's in. A second one even closer she also hasn't seen. She mentioned her intentions with taking it very slowly and possibly waiting until marriage which at our age I'm not willing to do.

She's giving the impression of someone who really avoided going outside her comfort zones, both in minor details and a much broader sense and it appears to have not helped her. She discussed specific scenarios but adding them up it's clear her anxiety is going to be a serious problem.

I'm planning on the next meet up to discuss it and this one will be the last of I get the impression she's not willing to address her anxiety. It's too much on my plate to deal with if it's as entrenched as I suspect.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Nov 2021, 9:24 am

She sounds very sheltered.

Some men like such women because they're very easy to impress whenever are taken to somewhere.


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Nades
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15 Nov 2021, 12:20 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She sounds very sheltered.

Some men like such women because they're very easy to impress whenever are taken to somewhere.


She usually wants to go to places she's familiar with. Only twice has she been to places she's not and both of them were my recommendation. She had to scout out the first place the day before with her parents and at the time I thought nothing of it despite it being a very easy place to get to, especially considering she's had a licence for 11 years. Yesterday she got completely lost and it's about 6 miles from her home. I suspect it's an anxiety issue as to why she hasn't familiarised herself with the immediate locality around her.

Poking under the surface a bit more since when I made this thread, I noticed she has some wide ranging problems that haven't been addressed for a long time.



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16 Nov 2021, 7:55 am

My advice is to not break up with her or act in a way to suggest you might consider breaking up. News flash!! You can dump her whenever you want but there's no need for urgency.

Do you and she like each other? Do you find her attractive? It's possible that either most men don't find her attractive or she doesn't think she's attractive. As for sex, it doesn't seem as though she has any sort of commitment to staying a virgin. Continue meeting up with her if you both enjoy doing so.

Have you and she engaged in any sort of physical affection? If so, then if nothing happens to change how you feel about each other, things will progress.

I think your short-term focus should be on encouraging the development of the relationship, assuming there's mutual interest.


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16 Nov 2021, 10:45 am

MaxE wrote:
My advice is to not break up with her or act in a way to suggest you might consider breaking up. News flash!! You can dump her whenever you want but there's no need for urgency.

Do you and she like each other? Do you find her attractive? It's possible that either most men don't find her attractive or she doesn't think she's attractive. As for sex, it doesn't seem as though she has any sort of commitment to staying a virgin. Continue meeting up with her if you both enjoy doing so.

Have you and she engaged in any sort of physical affection? If so, then if nothing happens to change how you feel about each other, things will progress.

I think your short-term focus should be on encouraging the development of the relationship, assuming there's mutual interest.


Kissing she's ok with. It's just that spending so long calming the waters and avoiding any sort of stressors in her life has ended in her being underdeveloped for her age. Things that shouldn't stress her to much seems to easily overwhelm her and she's developed very poor coping skills. We nearly had to cancel the date because got lost just three turns from the park we were going to meet in. I had to pick her up in the end.

I'm thinking this is the reason why she's remained a virgin and hasn't started dating until very late. The stress of anything new and nerves of losing ones virginity might have been to stressful.

I'm going to tell her next time I meet that I worry about her anxiety. I'm hoping she'll elaborate further and tell me she'll work it but it's severe enough that I expect her make more of a serious attempt at addressing it than she appears to have done.



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16 Nov 2021, 12:11 pm

Nades wrote:
MaxE wrote:
My advice is to not break up with her or act in a way to suggest you might consider breaking up. News flash!! You can dump her whenever you want but there's no need for urgency.

Do you and she like each other? Do you find her attractive? It's possible that either most men don't find her attractive or she doesn't think she's attractive. As for sex, it doesn't seem as though she has any sort of commitment to staying a virgin. Continue meeting up with her if you both enjoy doing so.

Have you and she engaged in any sort of physical affection? If so, then if nothing happens to change how you feel about each other, things will progress.

I think your short-term focus should be on encouraging the development of the relationship, assuming there's mutual interest.


Kissing she's ok with. It's just that spending so long calming the waters and avoiding any sort of stressors in her life has ended in her being underdeveloped for her age. Things that shouldn't stress her to much seems to easily overwhelm her and she's developed very poor coping skills. We nearly had to cancel the date because got lost just three turns from the park we were going to meet in. I had to pick her up in the end.

I'm thinking this is the reason why she's remained a virgin and hasn't started dating until very late. The stress of anything new and nerves of losing ones virginity might have been to stressful.

I'm going to tell her next time I meet that I worry about her anxiety. I'm hoping she'll elaborate further and tell me she'll work it but it's severe enough that I expect her make more of a serious attempt at addressing it than she appears to have done.


Things like that don't just change over-night even if a person makes a serious effort to address it. If she decided to do so it would be a long process with plenty of slip ups. If you want to stay around and be supportive then perhaps it could work...but it doesn't seem that is what you are interested in. Seems you want snappy results, to satisfy your expectations and well that is not how addressing years of anxiety problems and underdeveloped or unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress works.

Even if she started really addressing and working on it now, those issues will continue to persist for years at least to an extent and some of them may never go away entirely, no matter how much you pressure her to 'fix it'. Are you up for that?



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16 Nov 2021, 1:21 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Nades wrote:
MaxE wrote:
My advice is to not break up with her or act in a way to suggest you might consider breaking up. News flash!! You can dump her whenever you want but there's no need for urgency.

Do you and she like each other? Do you find her attractive? It's possible that either most men don't find her attractive or she doesn't think she's attractive. As for sex, it doesn't seem as though she has any sort of commitment to staying a virgin. Continue meeting up with her if you both enjoy doing so.

Have you and she engaged in any sort of physical affection? If so, then if nothing happens to change how you feel about each other, things will progress.

I think your short-term focus should be on encouraging the development of the relationship, assuming there's mutual interest.


Kissing she's ok with. It's just that spending so long calming the waters and avoiding any sort of stressors in her life has ended in her being underdeveloped for her age. Things that shouldn't stress her to much seems to easily overwhelm her and she's developed very poor coping skills. We nearly had to cancel the date because got lost just three turns from the park we were going to meet in. I had to pick her up in the end.

I'm thinking this is the reason why she's remained a virgin and hasn't started dating until very late. The stress of anything new and nerves of losing ones virginity might have been to stressful.

I'm going to tell her next time I meet that I worry about her anxiety. I'm hoping she'll elaborate further and tell me she'll work it but it's severe enough that I expect her make more of a serious attempt at addressing it than she appears to have done.


Things like that don't just change over-night even if a person makes a serious effort to address it. If she decided to do so it would be a long process with plenty of slip ups. If you want to stay around and be supportive then perhaps it could work...but it doesn't seem that is what you are interested in. Seems you want snappy results, to satisfy your expectations and well that is not how addressing years of anxiety problems and underdeveloped or unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress works.

Even if she started really addressing and working on it now, those issues will continue to persist for years at least to an extent and some of them may never go away entirely, no matter how much you pressure her to 'fix it'. Are you up for that?



To put it bluntly. No. The few relationships I've had were bad and had the same issues bubbling up once the initial mystery wore off and I don't want to deal with it anymore. Im just to old for it now and I have my own interests I want to satisfy.

I'm seeing if I get get a better sense of just how bad these problems are and what she might plan on doing to address them next time I meet her. I'm very aware they'll take years to sort out but it's just as much as if she's willing to address them as it is how long. Even if she is willing to address them that's good, but if it takes ages then perhaps relationships isn't for her full stop.



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16 Nov 2021, 4:02 pm

Good comments from Max E and Sweetleaf here. Has anyone got any ideas on how he could bring this up tactfully. It sounds a little bit like he might tell her she just isn't relationship material for anyone at all which will make her anxiety worse because in her poor wee heart she might feel like that already, hence the nerves. After all we've met so many men on here who feel that way and we've tried to rally them and help them overcome their fears.



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16 Nov 2021, 4:28 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Good comments from Max E and Sweetleaf here. Has anyone got any ideas on how he could bring this up tactfully. It sounds a little bit like he might tell her she just isn't relationship material for anyone at all which will make her anxiety worse because in her poor wee heart she might feel like that already, hence the nerves. After all we've met so many men on here who feel that way and we've tried to rally them and help them overcome their fears.


I would say she is almost certainly already aware of the problems but perhaps not that they need some degree of addressing before getting into relationships fully. While everyone can seek a relationship, it's good practice to make sure personal problems don't end up dominating them. I would expect men to do the same if they have personal issues too. If they're severe, working on oneself should take priority over dating.

The problem is obviously as you mentioned. Personally, her anxiety is so bad she will never overcome it but she can probably do a lot to mitigate against it. Venturing outside her home city on her own is a good start, loosening up a bit in her own time is also a good start. She said "Goodness" instead of "Good God" recently as the word "God" was quote "rude".....that needs to be worked on too at her age.

I also went to see a very good play with my family a couple of weeks ago and she immediately dismissed it and said it was crap solely because it had minor sexual undertones. Again, she appears to not even watch good entertainment if it has any glimmer of a sexual nature. Something again that needs addressing at her age and hints towards sexual immaturity.

There is a hell of a lot to unravel and highlight to her and somehow without hugely offending her.



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17 Nov 2021, 6:13 am

All that matters is if you two like each other, if seeing each other makes you both happy. You are too focused on fixing a problem. This isn't unusual for a guy on the spectrum but it's a trap.


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