Dating Someone YouDont Like Just For Relationship Experience

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What Would You Do? (Read Post Before Voting)
Date her. At least you get romantic and sexual experience which could be beneficial later and you can always end the relationship if you dont like it. 31%  31%  [ 9 ]
Don't date her. It's not worth it to date someone you don't like if you're not attracted to them. Hold out for someone who you are attracted to. 69%  69%  [ 20 ]
Total votes : 29

Ettina
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27 Oct 2021, 10:44 am

Imagine that you like someone, and they agree to date you. You're overjoyed and having a good time with the relationship, but after a while, they break up with you, and you eventually find out that it's because they're not attracted to you, they never were attracted to you, and they only decided to date you to get more experience with relationships.

How would you feel?



Aspie1
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27 Oct 2021, 7:37 pm

Ettina wrote:
Imagine that you like someone, and they agree to date you. You're overjoyed and having a good time with the relationship, but after a while, they break up with you, and you eventually find out that it's because they're not attracted to you, they never were attracted to you, and they only decided to date you to get more experience with relationships.
This isn't a fair question, because I had no plans to break up with my first girlfriend. I planned on staying with her for as long as the relationship lasted. In fact, I even ignored the interest of the few other, better-looking girls who seemed to show interest in me. First of all, I was being loyal to my girlfriend, no matter what she looked like. Second, because they were attractive, I had reasons to believe they were pranking me, not knowing I was seeing someone. Third, I treated my her like the most beautiful girl in the world: I called her regularly to see how her day is going; I looked for romantic date spots, only to have her veto most of them; and I complimented her each time I saw her.

That being said, I did ghost her eventually. We went to a winter dance, and when a slow song came on, she didn't want to dance in a snuggle. That was a blatantly clear sign that the relationship was over. Which meant I had no reason to continue doing "boyfriend things". After we parted ways that night, our greetings became limited to awkward hellos.

Oh, and when I first started dating her, I leveraged every excuse and opportunity in the book to use the phrase "my girlfriend" in a sentence when talking to people. 8)



The Grand Inquisitor
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27 Oct 2021, 8:09 pm

Ettina wrote:
Imagine that you like someone, and they agree to date you. You're overjoyed and having a good time with the relationship, but after a while, they break up with you, and you eventually find out that it's because they're not attracted to you, they never were attracted to you, and they only decided to date you to get more experience with relationships.

How would you feel?

I completely agree with the point you're making, and wouldn't do this to someone for that reason, but to flip the script, imagine you'd wanted nothing more than to engage in romance since your teens and despite your strong desire, you've been afflicted with the misfortune to make it to your mid 20s+ without any relationship experience. You've already got to worry that nobody you're interested in will ever like you romantically period because it's never happened before, but even if somebody would potentially be interested, your inexperience could be a deal-breaker for them.

You're lonely and you desperately crave romantic affection, and then suddenly someone shows interest but it's someone you're not interested in.

The point I'm making is that I can understand how somebody with no opportunities to experience romance might be tempted to cling to the only one they ever got, even if they're not interested in the person just to stave off loneliness and no longer be inexperienced.

Like I said, I agree that the lonely person shouldn't do that. The lonely person should consider the feelings of the person they're not interested in and not string them along in that way.

But who's looking out for and considering the feelings of the lonely person? Is that person meant to just deal with feelings of romantic loneliness forever?



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27 Oct 2021, 9:01 pm

I was in a similar situation when i was your age. My therapist suggested I go on dates to get the experience of knowing what to do and what not to do. It took a lot of trial and error but I eventually figured it out (or as much as one can).



Ettina
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28 Oct 2021, 4:54 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Ettina wrote:
Imagine that you like someone, and they agree to date you. You're overjoyed and having a good time with the relationship, but after a while, they break up with you, and you eventually find out that it's because they're not attracted to you, they never were attracted to you, and they only decided to date you to get more experience with relationships.

How would you feel?

I completely agree with the point you're making, and wouldn't do this to someone for that reason, but to flip the script, imagine you'd wanted nothing more than to engage in romance since your teens and despite your strong desire, you've been afflicted with the misfortune to make it to your mid 20s+ without any relationship experience. You've already got to worry that nobody you're interested in will ever like you romantically period because it's never happened before, but even if somebody would potentially be interested, your inexperience could be a deal-breaker for them.


This is presupposing that a) being in your mid twenties with no relationship experience is even remarkable - half the guys I know in that age group haven't been in a relationship and don't seem to be panicking over it - and b) that anyone who has a big hang-up about that is worth dating.

In any case, deliberately using someone else for your own gain at their expense is wrong, no matter how much you're angsting over not having had relationship experience.

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
But who's looking out for and considering the feelings of the lonely person? Is that person meant to just deal with feelings of romantic loneliness forever?


You're not entitled to romance. Romance should only happen when it's good for both of the people involved. And no relationship is better than a bad relationship.



Tim_Tex
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28 Oct 2021, 4:59 am

Don't do it.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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28 Oct 2021, 6:51 am

Ettina wrote:
This is presupposing that a) being in your mid twenties with no relationship experience is even remarkable - half the guys I know in that age group haven't been in a relationship and don't seem to be panicking over it

I can't speak to your experiences or the people you know. From what I've seen, most guys who haven't had a relationship by their mid 20s or even earlier despite being very interested in romance seem to develop depression over it, and often times quite severely. Moreover, in my experience, most people seem to be of the perception that having no relationship experience by mid 20s despite wanting it is quite abnormal.

In any case, it's definitely a fact that a prolonged inability to cultivate a romantic relationship can often lead to some extremely negative emotions for the individual afflicted with that situation. Romantic and sexual relationships are a core part of the human experience, and feeling like one isn't loveable enough for somebody they're interested in to take an interest in them can have a drastic impact on one's self-esteem and self-image.


Ettina wrote:
and b) that anyone who has a big hang-up about that is worth dating.

Depending on the circumstances, I think it's understandable for that to be a deal-breaker for some people. For some, having a partner who is at a similar stage in life is important, and having no relationship experience puts one behind.

I haven't even had my first girlfriend yet, and because of that, I'm no where near ready to get married or have kids. My priorities are getting my first girlfriend, holding hands, hugging and kissing someone in a romantic context for the first time, having my first sexual experience. While some people my age would be willing to date someone with no experience, the relationship priorities of others have drifted too far away while mine haven't had the opportunity to develop due to my lack of experience. Others still would see someone my age who's never had a girlfriend as being some sort of a red flag, which is also understandable. I probably would too if I were them, honestly.

Ettina wrote:
In any case, deliberately using someone else for your own gain at their expense is wrong, no matter how much you're angsting over not having had relationship experience.

For the third time, I completely agree. My point is just that stringing someone along like that is wrong because it could very likely lead to them suffering. Shouldn't we also take the suffering of perpetually single individuals into account, and care about finding ways to ease it (though of course not to the detriment of anybody else)?

Ettina wrote:
You're not entitled to romance. Romance should only happen when it's good for both of the people involved.

A lot of people aren't entitled to a lot of things. Nobody's entitled to a family, or friends, or any close connections. That doesn't mean that the suffering of those who are completely alone in the world isn't valid or important.

And yes, romance should be mutually gratifying. I'm not saying we should force people into relationships that they don't want to be in. It's just really sad for some of us who don't get to experience romance and are expected to suck it up and deal with it like our feelings don't matter.

Ettina wrote:
And no relationship is better than a bad relationship.

This is also true, but depending on how distressing you find being perpetually single and unable to engage in romance, the difference can be analogous to taking a bullet to the head vs being placed on a conveyor belt going towards a spinning saw blade. One's clearly better than the other, but both are excruciating.



hurtloam
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28 Oct 2021, 7:46 am

It depends how unbearable their personality is.
I couldn't have managed to date that guy I was talking about. It was like listening to paint dry... Yes listening to.



kraftiekortie
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28 Oct 2021, 7:49 am

You can get "relationship experience" just by being friends with somebody.

You don't have to go the whole nine yards.



hurtloam
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28 Oct 2021, 7:57 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You can get "relationship experience" just by being friends with somebody.

You don't have to go the whole nine yards.


I agree with this. I think men don't tend to find supportive relationships easy to develop though, from what I've read. Whereas you hear women saying that they have support from their friends.

Women seem to cope better being single because they're not really alone. I mean we can develop depression from feeling unloved romantically. I went through that and so has one of my friends, but we had other women and each other for support.



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28 Oct 2021, 8:04 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You can get "relationship experience" just by being friends with somebody.

You don't have to go the whole nine yards.


What's more, I'd encourage young men to find value in platonic friendships with women. This is not the same as 'dating'. It is not 'friendzoning'. It's a really positive thing and will contribute a lot to your ability to hold down a romantic relationship when it happens for you.

It's true that sometimes you will develop other sorts of feelings for friends, but it shouldn't be the goal. Value the friendship for what it is.



kraftiekortie
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28 Oct 2021, 11:43 am

I've had lots of decent, non-sexual relationships with women.

Yes, the "urge" sometimes reveals itself---but aren't we civilized enough to resist them?

One time, I lied down right next to a woman in a nightgown when I visited her. I knew she didn't want anything to "happen"---so I restrained myself. She was just the informal type.



theprisoner
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28 Oct 2021, 11:58 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I've had lots of decent, non-sexual relationships with women.

that's cool.

kraftiekortie wrote:
Yes, the "urge" sometimes reveals itself---but aren't we civilized enough to resist them?

no, we're monkeys full of hormones.

kraftiekortie wrote:
One time, I lied down right next to a woman in a nightgown when I visited her.

nice.

kraftiekortie wrote:
I knew she didn't want anything to "happen"---so I restrained myself. She was just the informal type.


It was your job to change her mind... how do you know she didnt want anything to "happen" ? anyway....are you clairvoyant? i would regret atleast not hinting at things..sounds like a ready made situation.... she probably thought you weren't interested and got disappointed.. for all you know she was trying t entice you and you didnt see the signs.... :(


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kraftiekortie
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28 Oct 2021, 12:13 pm

Nah LOL.....she wasn't the sexual type at all.



Wornhat
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28 Oct 2021, 12:59 pm

Though we have hormones that firmly influence our decisions, I believe the idea of he nuclear family structure is something that the government encourages. A stable household leads to stable children (stable, well designed cogs for the massive gear system of society). Archetypal movies such as produced by Disney only further entrench us in the idea that, IF WE ARE TRULY THE LEADING ROLES IN THIS STORY THAT IS OUR LIFE, then we either go in search of our princesses or we wait patiently for our white knights. Otherwise we’re the lowly secondary characters, the lame, the dumb, the worthless. What they don’t show you after the credits role is that we crave novelty, we get bored easily, and the likelihood of finding someone that we appreciate as much at 25 as we do at 85 is extremely slim. But what’s important is that it holds together long enough for the children to grow enough to confidently plunge into the unknown world and repeat the program ad infinitum, to keep the state healthy wealthy and wise, fat and sassy.

We are here to defecate strategically. We are a part of a much larger symbioses than our society envelops. We find nutrients, we consume them, then we defecate waste in the form of feces and urine. This is worthless to us, but very valuable to other organisms. And the wastes of those organisms in turn are very valuable to us. We consume the wastes of our fancy fungal friends, the yeasts, which in addition to granting us an altered mindstate, also provides us with antiseptic and other physical properties. We surely wouldn’t be where we are without the treasures that other organisms waste. It is this layering of waste/wealth over top of each other that enabled microbial life to support lager and larger life forms. It is the way of the forests, the magic synergy that is created via mutual waste and wealth exchange (see: “Trade”).

We reproduce only to keep the cycle of recycling nutrients going. We are a part of a much greater ecosystem, however we are greatly out of balance, and we are lost and confused and misled by those who wish to trick us out of our time and energy. We only evolve to become superior to other organisms not because of manifest destiny but because we tried our best to be the best energy recyclers as we could and along the way, we mistakenly thought this story was about us individually, and we thought it was about having more stuff than our neighbors, and to have better looking men or women as partners, and we thought it was so our children could then leverage themselves above other people’s children and become successful in our eyes, but not in the eyes of reality and the synergy of the planet. Somewhere, we walked off our humbling path of eating what we find and defecating it strategically, where it could benefit our neighbor organisms (see: “Friends”), both large and very very very small (the smallest being the most important of all, though our society seems to deny this).

^a really long and drawn out explanation on why I think the typical view of a long term relationship is silly. The worst thing you can do is put too much pressure on yourselves based on the adopted constructs of a misled society. It is especially difficult for those of us who never fit into this collective construct designed for the average, the mean, the norm, when we are everything BUT the average, the mean, or the norm.


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hurtloam
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28 Oct 2021, 1:25 pm

Even so. Humans have feelings. Not all relationships last even when you are really into the other person, bit at least you fancied them and enjoyed their company.

What the OP is talking about is using someone you are not attracted to and pretending, acting out a relationship just for some experience.

That will hurt someone more than genuinely wanting to be with them, but having things draw to a natural conclusion.