Why I Don't Want To Live if I Can Never Have a Girlfriend

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kraftiekortie
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31 Dec 2021, 6:44 am

Why don’t you study something in the healthcare field, GI?

Maybe something like MRI Technician?



The Grand Inquisitor
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03 Jan 2022, 7:14 am

hurtloam wrote:
Just to reinforce Mona's viewpoint. If we want a Happy relationship it's better to be alone than be with someone incompatible. Look at what happened to Retrogamer guys!

I always had my parents as a warning. I knew I didn't want that kind of relationship.

The problem as I see it isn't that I haven't found the person I'm going to marry yet. The problem isn't even that I'm not in a relationship right now.

The problem is that I've never had a girlfriend, and I've never hit the milestones associated with dating that I really wanted to experience much earlier. Because I've never had a girlfriend in spite of a long-standing interest to engage in a romantic relationship, I feel undesirable, like there's something so wrong with me that no-one could want me like that. I haven't been able to develop confidence in my ability to cultivate a romantic relationship with a woman, in fact I've only become less confident as I've gotten older since it's never happened despite my most fervent desires.

Ultimately, what I want is to have those positive romantic experiences I've craved for so long, to have past experiences to draw confidence from so I don't feel so insecure about my ability to attract a partner, and to be somewhere comparable to where my peers are in terms of romantic experience so I don't feel so alienated from them.

hurtloam wrote:
I always think it's interesting that women who can't get a date or who have been abused give up and learn to live without men and make a niche of their own and men are very driven to want a woman. I think women get more emotional support from friends, so we get our needs filled elsewhere.

Mona, men have it a bit differently to us.

I think it's possible that having closer friendships helps, but I can't imagine that any platonic relationship I could ever have would make me feel at peace with my romantic situation as it is.



kraftiekortie
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03 Jan 2022, 9:11 am

If you meet the “right” woman, those “dating milestones” won’t mean a darn thing.



hurtloam
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03 Jan 2022, 9:55 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
If you meet the “right” woman, those “dating milestones” won’t mean a darn thing.


This is true, we need to build up his confidence. I totally understand why his confidence is waning.

It's a shame none of us live nearby and can invite him out somewhere. I think friends can reassure a person that they are actually ok. If you only have yourself to rely on one can drift easily into being to critical of oneself.



Muse933277
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03 Jan 2022, 12:59 pm

OP, you basically have four options. The choice is yours.

1. Lower your standards and date a less attractive woman who you're not necessarily attracted to.

2. Try to improve your physical appearance, social skills, and earning potential, as much as possible for the small chance of dating a woman that you want to date.

3. Don't improve yourself at all and if you're really lucky, you'll get into a relationship with an attractive woman, but there's a good chance she won't actually like you and there will probably be a higher likelihood of her leaving/cheating on you.

4. Be single for the rest of your life.


The choice is yours.



shortfatbalduglyman
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03 Jan 2022, 5:34 pm

Even if you get a girlfriend, half of marriages end in divorce

So a girlfriend is not the greatest thing in the universe

Besides, it is hard to imagine that many dates want to date someone that would not want to live without them



The Grand Inquisitor
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04 Jan 2022, 9:31 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
If you meet the “right” woman, those “dating milestones” won’t mean a darn thing.

When I was talking about dating milestones, I wasn't really thinking about what prospective partners might think. I really want to have those experiences for myself, and I don't feel comfortable or confident being so romantically inexperienced at my age. I'm missing out on experiences I really care about, and to add insult to injury, not being able to have those experiences despite wanting them for so long makes me feel like I must be really undesirable.

hurtloam wrote:
This is true, we need to build up his confidence. I totally understand why his confidence is waning.

It's a shame none of us live nearby and can invite him out somewhere. I think friends can reassure a person that they are actually ok. If you only have yourself to rely on one can drift easily into being to critical of oneself.

I appreciate that, and while I think platonic friends reassuring me that I'm actually ok may make me feel a bit better for a short time, I don't think it would be enough to meaningfully challenge the perception I've accrued.

I think in lieu of cultivating a relationship, what I really need is some kind of romantic connection. Even if it's got no prospect of turning into anything serious. Even if it's just from someone I meet online or whatever. I need something positive and validating that I can focus on and ground myself with when my mind is directed to think about dating and romance, because the alternative is feeling like I do when I write posts like my OP.

Muse933277 wrote:
OP, you basically have four options. The choice is yours.

1. Lower your standards and date a less attractive woman who you're not necessarily attracted to.

2. Try to improve your physical appearance, social skills, and earning potential, as much as possible for the small chance of dating a woman that you want to date.

3. Don't improve yourself at all and if you're really lucky, you'll get into a relationship with an attractive woman, but there's a good chance she won't actually like you and there will probably be a higher likelihood of her leaving/cheating on you.

4. Be single for the rest of your life.


The choice is yours.

Or I could choose the option I'm actually going to go with, which is doing what I can to move towards the life I want and hopefully make myself feel more confident in the process, and taking my own life before my 30th birthday if I'm still unable to achieve romantic success before that point.

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Even if you get a girlfriend, half of marriages end in divorce

So a girlfriend is not the greatest thing in the universe

Besides, it is hard to imagine that many dates want to date someone that would not want to live without them

Again, the issue isn't so much that I haven't found my forever partner yet as it is that I'm 25 and I've never had a girlfriend at all. What's most important to me at this stage is just getting to experience romantic intimacy. I'd rather have gone through a few relationships that didn't last but have gotten positive experiences and memories from those relationships, than to have no relationship experience, have no one showing any interest in me and being forced to conclude that no one wants me.

I'm sick of grappling with intense desires for romantic intimacy that I can't satisfy, and I'm petrified of losing my youth without ever getting to have those experiences. I'm at the point now where I've put up with this for several years, and it just has to end, one way or another.



WantToHaveALife
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18 Jan 2022, 10:13 pm

i feel tempted to break up with my current girlfriend, because it doesn't feel like a true relationship so far, not sure if i should disclose why, but at the same time, i kinda don't want to because i don't want to be single again, and i don't like having to be on the hunt again as a guy, human male, if you get what i'm saying.



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18 Jan 2022, 11:41 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Why don’t you study something in the healthcare field, GI?

Maybe something like MRI Technician?


To be honest when I was the OPs age (25?) being single was a big deal especially when my peers were screwing a different girl every night.

One time I was drinking with a friend in his apartment and toward the end of the night this girl randomly shows up whom he met like a few days ago. He gives me a wink and says "later dude" and they both go off into his bedroom. I smiled and said "cool" (thumbs up). I thought I was cool with it. But as I sat outside on the couch, letting the alcohol swirl around in my brain, I had the distinct pang of envy and "why him" and I could feel a pain in my chest. I couldn't help it, it just happened.

Looking back it may have been better for my mental health spending less time in the company of people getting girls and more time focusing on something productive like a course or developing some skill that I could use. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.



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19 Jan 2022, 1:48 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
As for my job situation, I went to part time and went back to uni to start studying IT. That didn't go well and now I have an important decision to make.

If you ever decide again to go back to school, I strongly recommend that you first spend some time preparing via free or low-cost online resources. (See, for example, the WP thread Resources for learning math.)


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19 Jan 2022, 2:26 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
As for my job situation, I went to part time and went back to uni to start studying IT. That didn't go well and now I have an important decision to make.

If you ever decide again to go back to school, I strongly recommend that you first spend some time preparing via free or low-cost online resources. (See, for example, the WP thread Resources for learning math.)

I've decided I'm going to try again this semester, but learn from what went wrong last time.

There are disability advisers on campus. I didn't go to them last semester because I didn't think I needed to, and I couldn't think of any way in which they could assist me. I'll be touching base with them early this semester, though.

Last semester, I was having trouble sleeping for the first week of uni, and I also had trouble orienting myself and figuring out what I needed to do, and in what order I needed to do it. I now have a better idea of what I need to do, and how I need to structure my time.

I think things might go better this semester, but if not, I have until the end of week 4 to drop out without incurring a financial penalty. I should have an inkling by then whether or not I'm going to be able to handle the workload.



kraftiekortie
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19 Jan 2022, 5:10 am

Could you go part-time, like I did?



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19 Jan 2022, 5:50 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Could you go part-time, like I did?

I could, but part-timers don't get any financial support from the government or reduced bus fares. It'd also mean it'd take me 6 years to complete my degree as opposed to 3.

I tried dropping two subjects and doing the second half of last semester part-time, but I still wasn't ultimately able to apply myself and get the work done. I think falling behind early on was a big problem, so I'll be doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen this time. I'll be looking at starting assignments early rather than leaving them to the last minute.



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19 Jan 2022, 11:11 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I'll be looking at starting assignments early rather than leaving them to the last minute.

Good idea.

Another suggestion: BEFORE the semester begins, use online resources to begin studying, independently, the subject matter of whichever of your courses you expect will be the most challenging.

What courses will you be taking, and which one(s) do you expect to be the most challenging? (Some of us might be able to suggest good online resources.)


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Mona Pereth
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19 Jan 2022, 11:18 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I could, but part-timers don't get any financial support from the government or reduced bus fares. It'd also mean it'd take me 6 years to complete my degree as opposed to 3.

Do you also have a job? If so, I hope it's not a full-time job, or at least that you'll be allowed to work only part-time while you're in school?

Attending school full-time AND working full-time is just too much work. A lot of people try to do this and often fail, or at least do rather poorly in school. If you also have other issues, such as sleep difficulties, then attending school full-time AND working full-time is, most definitely, NOT a good idea.


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19 Jan 2022, 12:49 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I'll be looking at starting assignments early rather than leaving them to the last minute.

Good idea.

Another suggestion: BEFORE the semester begins, use online resources to begin studying, independently, the subject matter of whichever of your courses you expect will be the most challenging.

What courses will you be taking, and which one(s) do you expect to be the most challenging? (Some of us might be able to suggest good online resources.)

I'll be taking all the same courses I failed/dropped out of last semester, so I'll have an advantage in that I know roughly what I'm in for. I just have to be more studious, be better at taking notes and make sure I do all the recommended reading and exercises. I don't think I'll be too quick to let myself fall behind given how much fun I had with that last semester.

Mona Pereth wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I could, but part-timers don't get any financial support from the government or reduced bus fares. It'd also mean it'd take me 6 years to complete my degree as opposed to 3.

Do you also have a job? If so, I hope it's not a full-time job, or at least that you'll be allowed to work only part-time while you're in school?

Attending school full-time AND working full-time is just too much work. A lot of people try to do this and often fail, or at least do rather poorly in school. If you also have other issues, such as sleep difficulties, then attending school full-time AND working full-time is, most definitely, NOT a good idea.

I was working part-time last semester and that's what I'll be doing again this semester. I was working 2 days per week last semester, and I think even that might have been too much, because any day I work is a day I'm unlikely to have the energy to study. I'm going to ask work if they'd allow me to do one day a week this semester.

I'm thinking it might be better if I could leverage my 8 years of experience as a trivia assistant to get a couple of venues to host trivia at, and sustain myself that way instead of my current job. Two trivia nights per week would likely earn me more than a single 8 hour day of work per week, and even factoring in preparing rounds, it would likely be a comparable or lesser time investment. Moreover, I can get uni work done on days I'm also hosting trivia, where it's much less likely for me to have the energy to get uni work done on days I'm working 8 hours.

My mum generally hosts the trivia and I generally assist with entering in scores and collecting answer sheets, but my mum has covid at the moment, so I've had to fill in and do it all myself a couple of times now. A few of the teams have told me I did a good job.