Why Autistic Men Are More Likely To Struggle With Dating

Page 2 of 4 [ 64 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 54,773
Location: Stendec

19 Jan 2022, 11:23 am

Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I would include:

- Focused solely on "Getting a Girlfriend". Little (if any) attention is given to developing the social skills required to maintain a meaningful relationship.  This is analogous to buying an expensive sports car and having no idea how to drive it or keep it running.  Sooner or later, the autistic male will simply wreck it.
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Displaying an upbeat and optimistic outlook.
• Empathizing well with people, to understand their motivations and views.
• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Focusing externally, not internally; talking about things outside yourself.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Managing your emotions well in social situations.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
• Talking with a wide range of people, on a wide range of topics.



Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1931
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,064
Location: wales

19 Jan 2022, 11:31 am

Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I would include:

- Focused solely on "Getting a Girlfriend". Little (if any) attention is given to developing the social skills required to maintain a meaningful relationship.  This is analogous to buying an expensive sports car and having no idea how to drive it or keep it running.  Sooner or later, the autistic male will simply wreck it.
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.


These three I feel autistics struggle on the most.

Could you elaborate on them more? Or is it a whole new topic for another day?



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 54,773
Location: Stendec

19 Jan 2022, 11:41 am

Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
These three I feel autistics struggle on the most.  Could you elaborate on them more? Or is it a whole new topic for another day?
More than simple elaboration, it would require practical demonstrations.  I had to learn what little I know of these skills through many years of trial and error (mostly error) in different settings and with different people.



Muse933277
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 486

19 Jan 2022, 1:05 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
men need to either focus or learn more on the behavioral aspect than women do when it comes to attracting someone, a mans social skills or social behaviors impact his dating life, attractiveness, a lot more than the other way around it seems.



This is true.

For women, their looks are more of a defining factor for what is considered attractive. As long as a woman is decently attractive, she can get away with poorer social skills and social awkwardness (to a certain extent) and it seems like men tend to be more forgiving. Plus many guys are suckers for pretty girls no matter what their personality is like. Why do you think my sister was able to get guys despite having a not great personality? No offence.


BUT the downside is that women are judged primarily for their looks which means if you're ugly (especially for factors outside of your control) there is very little you can do to raise your dating/sexual market value if you're a woman. If you're an ugly/average man on the other hand, it's easier to make up for it since a man's SMV is tied to charisma, wealth, social status, and looks.



Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1931
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,064
Location: wales

19 Jan 2022, 1:14 pm

Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
These three I feel autistics struggle on the most.  Could you elaborate on them more? Or is it a whole new topic for another day?
More than simple elaboration, it would require practical demonstrations.  I had to learn what little I know of these skills through many years of trial and error (mostly error) in different settings and with different people.


Yeah it seems like a lot, if not impossible to write down (like you said). Out of interest though, what types of people and settings?



Muse933277
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 486

19 Jan 2022, 2:20 pm

Fnord wrote:

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.



I would imagine that the first option requires a bit of verbal intelligence and being witty. Some people are naturally good speakers which oftentimes, requires the ability to think of something to say on the spot. Being able to not only speak well, but being able to articulate your point in a convincing manner, and maybe being funny as well, that requires some verbal intelligence.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 54,773
Location: Stendec

19 Jan 2022, 3:43 pm

Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
These three I feel autistics struggle on the most.  Could you elaborate on them more? Or is it a whole new topic for another day?
More than simple elaboration, it would require practical demonstrations.  I had to learn what little I know of these skills through many years of trial and error (mostly error) in different settings and with different people.


Yeah it seems like a lot, if not impossible to write down (like you said).  Out of interest though, what types of people and settings?
All races, classes, religions, political affiliations, genders, et cetera . . .



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 54,773
Location: Stendec

19 Jan 2022, 3:45 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
I would imagine that the first option requires a bit of verbal intelligence and being witty. Some people are naturally good speakers which oftentimes, requires the ability to think of something to say on the spot. Being able to not only speak well, but being able to articulate your point in a convincing manner, and maybe being funny as well, that requires some verbal intelligence.
If you are expecting to learn by absorbing a few posts on a social website, forget about it.  Go out and risk embarrassment like I did and learn from your mistakes.



GadgetGuru
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 9 Oct 2021
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 300
Location: Northern Nevada, USA

19 Jan 2022, 4:36 pm

SportsGamer35728 wrote:
Fortunately I've got the job part down now, just patiently waiting on the girlfriend part. I'm definitely guilty of Muse's last point (high standards)

If my experience is any guide, I've found that a sufficiently interesting woman who is by "conventional" standards of beauty in the fair to middlin' range is fully worthy of one's attention.

My one experience of dating a woman that I was absolutely floored by, beauty-wise, led me to mask so heavily that I f****d up any chance of ending up in a relationship with her. It's easier to "be yourself" with someone that you aren't massively turned on by, and I promise you that sex is every bit as good with a chick in the middle of the beauty bell curve!

A more cynical attitude would be that "ugly chicks try harder", depressing as that notion may be. That, or the converse, that stunning women don't have to make any effort to develop a compelling personality, may be a useful idea to keep in mind when considering the matter. Neither of these notions are anything approaching universal truth, but if they work for you, have at it!

An old saw is that you need to find a woman who has no idea how hot she is, and I'm guessing that there are more than a few women on the spectrum who fit solidly into this category.

Darron


_________________
Zen Objectivist, Iconoclastic conformist, Laser-focused dilettante, Skeptical psychonaut, Boy genius and stoopit man, Altitudinous observer of the Sturm und Drang.
Practicing the fine art of Enlightened Self Interest.


Muse933277
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 486

20 Jan 2022, 12:26 pm

Or you can date someone who was ugly as a teenager but got hot as an adult because chances are, they had to develop a personality.

I knew this girl from high school that I never talked to her all that much. She wasn’t that good looking when she was younger but once she turned 19, she went from a 4/10 to an 8/10. She definitely got hot.

Last time I stalked her Facebook, which was probably a year ago, she had a boyfriend. So it worked out for her.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,764
Location: UK

20 Jan 2022, 2:50 pm

This is true, as an Aspie female I find attracting men and relationships easy, if not instinctive. Women are lucky in that regard, when we flirt or try to get a man's attention we don't come across as creepy like some men sometimes do.

But I believe making friends is harder for females on the spectrum. At school socially awkward nerdy boys found other socially awkward nerdy boys (if they desired to have friends), but socially awkward girls tended to hide their awkwardness and sometimes got bitchy as a way of masking. Also girls were under more pressure as teenagers to be mature while boys could still get away with playing and getting dirty. As a socially awkward female with hyperactive ADHD, I found standing around gossiping too boring.


_________________
Female
Aged 32
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD


Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1931
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,064
Location: wales

20 Jan 2022, 3:43 pm

Joe90 wrote:
This is true, as an Aspie female I find attracting men and relationships easy, if not instinctive. Women are lucky in that regard, when we flirt or try to get a man's attention we don't come across as creepy like some men sometimes do.

But I believe making friends is harder for females on the spectrum. At school socially awkward nerdy boys found other socially awkward nerdy boys (if they desired to have friends), but socially awkward girls tended to hide their awkwardness and sometimes got bitchy as a way of masking. Also girls were under more pressure as teenagers to be mature while boys could still get away with playing and getting dirty. As a socially awkward female with hyperactive ADHD, I found standing around gossiping too boring.


An interesting and insightful post.



Muse933277
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 13 Mar 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 486

20 Jan 2022, 3:46 pm

Sometimes, I like to think what about my life may have been like if I were a 5 ft 10 neurotypical man.

I probably would of had a few girlfriends/hookups between the ages of 16-25. Met the "woman of my dreams" at 26, gotten married at 30, had a child together, gotten divorced at 35, remarried at 38 and had another child with her, and that would have been my life.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 81,714
Location: Queens, NYC

20 Jan 2022, 3:50 pm

Divorce is no walk in the park---trust me.



Nades
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Jan 2017
Age: 1931
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,064
Location: wales

20 Jan 2022, 3:51 pm

Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
These three I feel autistics struggle on the most.  Could you elaborate on them more? Or is it a whole new topic for another day?
More than simple elaboration, it would require practical demonstrations.  I had to learn what little I know of these skills through many years of trial and error (mostly error) in different settings and with different people.


Yeah it seems like a lot, if not impossible to write down (like you said).  Out of interest though, what types of people and settings?
All races, classes, religions, political affiliations, genders, et cetera . . .


Being a guy from the welsh valleys, that level of broad social classes is almost impossible to find lol.



cloudsdreamtoo
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 15 Jan 2022
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 24

20 Jan 2022, 7:24 pm

Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Nades wrote:
What would you consider the essential social skills?
Well . . .

• Expressing yourself in an articulate, convincing, and alluring way.
• Knowing how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• Showing social intelligence in navigating complex social dynamics.
These three I feel autistics struggle on the most.  Could you elaborate on them more? Or is it a whole new topic for another day?
More than simple elaboration, it would require practical demonstrations.  I had to learn what little I know of these skills through many years of trial and error (mostly error) in different settings and with different people.


Yeah it seems like a lot, if not impossible to write down (like you said).  Out of interest though, what types of people and settings?
All races, classes, religions, political affiliations, genders, et cetera . . .


Being a guy from the welsh valleys, that level of broad social classes is almost impossible to find lol.



I'm not too far from Wales. From what I've seen it isn't the most diverse region of the UK! Diversity really helps one's changes of finding a partner. People in diverse areas tend to be more open to difference.