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Nic na Mara
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28 Jun 2022, 8:59 am

Young, pretty, unattached and Aspie!
Sometimes I feel like free wild - cleared to be shot.
Since I can think and even more since my youth I have felt myself under pressure, especially from the other sex.
Even a hug makes me uncomfortable. I can't trust, because my trust has often been abused.
It's unusual for NT's. Nobody can understand it, nobody wants to understand it, nobody respect it.
The social pressure exerted by society is quite high.

"Why you are still without boyfriend?"
"Really, you've never been in a relationship in your life?"
"You're really not interested in having sex, getting married, getting pregnant and so on?"
"What's wrong with you?"


I don't say this: Never want! But first, I need a lot of trust, honesty, understanding and respect! And I need to feel close with the mind to somebody else! (Why I should get into a relationship with someone without feeling comfortable?! After all, a partnership shouldn't be forced or illusory like it is with most of the people I observed in my surrounding.)

And all the guys I met and still meet can't wait so long. They start to lie, something about "just be friends", using every cheeky trick to come closer physically. If I'm not going in the trap, because I recognize it and they are not successful, surely I'm lesbian and they looking for the next beauty. May it's easier with her and going faster.
This shall be normal social behavior?

I can't take it anymore! I've already come to terms to spend my life alone without a partner.
But there remains the constant alertness not to be harassed. There are too many guys who keep trying, even if I make it clear from the beginning, that I don't want it or I need trust first and a deep connection on a spiritual level.

I need advice! What else can I do to protect myself? Wear a pseudo wedding ring? Make me ugly and unattractive?
Sounds extreme, but please believe me, it's really unbearable. I don't know anymore, how I can manage all of this stressful trouble with NT-Guys!

So Aspie-Community (of both sex)! What's your experiences, especially with NT's and what you did? What was working good and was not? Please, let me participate your experiences and strategies in dealing with obtrusive NT's from the other sex - so that it helps me with my worries!



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28 Jun 2022, 10:01 am

dress like a lesbian with tool belt? Can't think of anything else.



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28 Jun 2022, 11:07 am

In terms of putting men off, what worked for me was saying bizarre off-putting things. Being full on weird. Being opinionated. Tell them you have a penis.....that will make them run (if it's not their thing).

I only behave this way towards the sleazy, alpha male types who try to use their dumb pick up artist crap on me. Attention from those types really isn't flattering at all. Also, stay the hell away from anyone who doesn't respect your physical boundaries.

Confidence is also key. I find it's an excellent misogynist repellent.


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02 Jul 2022, 12:34 pm

Nic na Mara wrote:
Young, pretty, unattached and Aspie!
Sometimes I feel like free wild - cleared to be shot.
Since I can think and even more since my youth I have felt myself under pressure, especially from the other sex.
Even a hug makes me uncomfortable. I can't trust, because my trust has often been abused.
It's unusual for NT's. Nobody can understand it, nobody wants to understand it, nobody respect it.
The social pressure exerted by society is quite high.

At the risk of getting issued a warning by the Woke Police, colloquially known as "mods", I gotta ask: What are YOU doing to add value to the lives of the men you date? You refuse the physical closeness, which is one of the best parts of dating; that's your right and yours alone, but men will react accordingly.

So... what OTHER value are you adding? Are you fun to be around? Can you banter with a man, while making him feel inches taller afterwards? Do you know about local events you can invite a new man to? Do you know how to comfort him while without acting too motherly? If you can't offer those things, and you refuse to provide nonsexual closeness to a man you date, then there isn't much value being added to his life by admitting you into it. I'm not talking about doing oral sex while hanging upside down from a BDSM sling and spraying whipped cream all over; I'm talking about simple affectionate acts, like dancing in a snuggle or holding hands with fingers intertwined. There's nothing wrong with disliking those affections yourself, but most men expect them from women they date.

Granted, every person is good enough on their own merit. But when it comes to people getting together, romantically or as friends, you have to offer SOME value to add to the new person's life. And if all you can offer is "asking him to be patient", then that's not "value".



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02 Jul 2022, 1:34 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Nic na Mara wrote:
Young, pretty, unattached and Aspie!
Sometimes I feel like free wild - cleared to be shot.
Since I can think and even more since my youth I have felt myself under pressure, especially from the other sex.
Even a hug makes me uncomfortable. I can't trust, because my trust has often been abused.
It's unusual for NT's. Nobody can understand it, nobody wants to understand it, nobody respect it.
The social pressure exerted by society is quite high.

At the risk of getting issued a warning by the Woke Police, colloquially known as "mods", I gotta ask: What are YOU doing to add value to the lives of the men you date? You refuse the physical closeness, which is one of the best parts of dating; that's your right and yours alone, but men will react accordingly.

So... what OTHER value are you adding? Are you fun to be around? Can you banter with a man, while making him feel inches taller afterwards? Do you know about local events you can invite a new man to? Do you know how to comfort him while without acting too motherly? If you can't offer those things, and you refuse to provide nonsexual closeness to a man you date, then there isn't much value being added to his life by admitting you into it. I'm not talking about doing oral sex while hanging upside down from a BDSM sling and spraying whipped cream all over; I'm talking about simple affectionate acts, like dancing in a snuggle or holding hands with fingers intertwined. There's nothing wrong with disliking those affections yourself, but most men expect them from women they date.

Granted, every person is good enough on their own merit. But when it comes to people getting together, romantically or as friends, you have to offer SOME value to add to the new person's life. And if all you can offer is "asking him to be patient", then that's not "value".
I could be wrong but I got the impression that she is not planning to have a romantic relationship partly because people want physical affection & she personally is OK with not having any romantic relationship. Her problem is that society makes her feel pressured to have a relationship & guys keep coming on to her like claiming they just want to be her friend & then get upset that she does not fall for them or won't accept physical affection with them.

My question OP is have you tried being direct & bluntly telling guys you are not interested in romantic relationships nor sex with anybody? If not, you could try telling them that & any decent guy or woman(if women do come on to you too) will not take it too personally if you make it clear that you do not want any kind of romantic relationship or FWB thing. If you do try to make that clear, do the guys claim to be OK with that & then get upset that you won't change your mind for them? If the latter is a problem, I would recommend not being friends with guys unless you know they are gay. It tends to be difficult for members of the opposite sex to be friends long-term. They tend to either fall for each other & then get in a romantic relationship or FWB thing, one member falls for the other who does not feel the same way, or one or both of them get in romantic relationships & their friendship fizzles out.


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02 Jul 2022, 1:55 pm

The above post makes sense. But if a romantic relationship has no physical component at all, then it's basically a platonic friendship---a relationship in name only, a RINO. (Sharing a political acronym by pure coincidence. ;)) It gives all the relationship benefits to the woman, and none to the man. She gets to brag about having a boyfriend, be chauffeured around, and eat free dinners, while he can't even hold hands. That's as RINO as Greg Abbott. ;)



Last edited by Aspie1 on 02 Jul 2022, 2:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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02 Jul 2022, 1:59 pm

Just tell em that you HAVE a BF.

And feel free to embellish the tale.

Like: that he is a mobster who will break the kneecaps of any guy he sees talking to you. :lol:



Last edited by naturalplastic on 02 Jul 2022, 2:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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02 Jul 2022, 2:13 pm

^ Just saying you have a boyfriend does not always work. The response I sometimes get is 'so what'.

The mobster story could work.

Telling them you have three brothers and they're all around 6ft 3-4 works too.


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02 Jul 2022, 2:14 pm

OP, I'm sorry that some posters have responded in an insensitive and, perhaps, even triggering way to your post. That happens a lot in Love and Dating.

Anyway, at times, I've struggled with the same thing. When I'm not interested, I avoid making eye contact with the individual and will try my best not to engage with him in conversation, only responding with short statements if the situation requires it.

Ignoring people isn't the perfect solution, but it helps.

You are under no obligation to be friendly towards strangers (or to doing anything in a relationship that you aren't comfortable with).


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02 Jul 2022, 2:19 pm

Eventually, I got to a point where I quit caring so much about social pressure. A person doesn't need a man (or woman) to be fulfilled as a person. If someone thinks you should be in a relationship just to be in a relationship, that's their problem.

On an another note, people can have asexual, romantic relationships. Don't feel obligated to engage in physical behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe.


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02 Jul 2022, 2:22 pm

^ What she said.

The most mature and level headed responses.


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02 Jul 2022, 2:25 pm

"Why I should get into a relationship with someone without feeling comfortable?!"

You shouldn't!

"And all the guys I met and still meet can't wait so long. They start to lie, something about "just be friends", using every cheeky trick to come closer physically."

They aren't worth your time.


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02 Jul 2022, 2:27 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
^ What she said.

The most mature and level headed responses.


Thanks!


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02 Jul 2022, 3:36 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Nic na Mara wrote:
Young, pretty, unattached and Aspie!
Sometimes I feel like free wild - cleared to be shot.
Since I can think and even more since my youth I have felt myself under pressure, especially from the other sex.
Even a hug makes me uncomfortable. I can't trust, because my trust has often been abused.
It's unusual for NT's. Nobody can understand it, nobody wants to understand it, nobody respect it.
The social pressure exerted by society is quite high.

At the risk of getting issued a warning by the Woke Police, colloquially known as "mods", I gotta ask: What are YOU doing to add value to the lives of the men you date? You refuse the physical closeness, which is one of the best parts of dating; that's your right and yours alone, but men will react accordingly.

So... what OTHER value are you adding? Are you fun to be around? Can you banter with a man, while making him feel inches taller afterwards? Do you know about local events you can invite a new man to? Do you know how to comfort him while without acting too motherly? If you can't offer those things, and you refuse to provide nonsexual closeness to a man you date, then there isn't much value being added to his life by admitting you into it. I'm not talking about doing oral sex while hanging upside down from a BDSM sling and spraying whipped cream all over; I'm talking about simple affectionate acts, like dancing in a snuggle or holding hands with fingers intertwined. There's nothing wrong with disliking those affections yourself, but most men expect them from women they date.

Granted, every person is good enough on their own merit. But when it comes to people getting together, romantically or as friends, you have to offer SOME value to add to the new person's life. And if all you can offer is "asking him to be patient", then that's not "value".


You're putting a transactional spin on relationships between people, romantic or platonic. Transactional relationships rarely succeed because life is not static. Maybe your romantic partner loves sex now, but what about after she has been forcibly raped? Are you going to leave her because she can no longer tolerate being touched? What if she loses a breast to cancer? What if she develops MS in her 30s?

To imply the OP has nothing to offer because she is not interested in physical touch is insulting to her, although I'm not sure you meant it that way.

My reading on the OP is that she has a lot of value to offer friends or romantic partners. Some of these would greatly exceed the value of physical touch.

Nic na Mara, I wish it weren't so, but men, especially younger men, focus a lot on the physical aspects of a relationship. Learning to just say NO, in a tone of voice that says you mean it, is an important skill to develop. Putting other things in your life first makes sense. When the right person comes along, if he does, he will be willing to wait as long as you want.

There is no easy out. Men don't care if you have a boyfriend, are married, a lesbian or a nun. Not all men, mind you. But the ones that are bothering you.

Especially with aspies, there are people of all sexes and genders who value physical touch differently. You will be okay with you being you. You don't need to change for others.


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02 Jul 2022, 7:09 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
On an another note, people can have asexual, romantic relationships. Don't feel obligated to engage in physical behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe.
I spent a bit of time on a couple asexuality forums about 11/12 years ago & one was kinda geared towards asexual romantic relationships. Asexual romantic relationships seem to tend to involve other forms of physical affection instead of sex. Aspie1 is right about most men expecting physical affection from women they date but to be fair most people in general expect at least nonphysical affection from their romantic partners regardless of their gender. I'm sorta on the asexuality spectrum & haven't done anything sexual with my girlfriend in a couple years & I'm OK with that but we are very physically affectionate in other ways. Loving to cuddle was a major reason I wanted a romantic relationship. There are some people who would be OK with a romantic relationship involving no form of physical affection ever but finding them could be very difficult. Us autistics are more likely to be on the extreme ends of of the sexuality spectrum compared to NTs & sometimes sensory issues with sex &/or physical affection are a major factor so the OP might have better luck finding someone OK with no form of physical affection on a site geared more towards autism like this forum. Perhaps someone mostly wanting a long-distance relationship could be a good match. I remembered I briefly used a forum for Schizoid Personality Disorder(I was officially diagnosed with that instead of autism but I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum) & there were some people there who said they would be interested in that kinda relationship instead of living together & spending a lot of in person time together with their partner & some weren't really interested in sex either.


blazingstar wrote:
You're putting a transactional spin on relationships between people, romantic or platonic. Transactional relationships rarely succeed because life is not static.
I know 1st hand that being in a romantic relationship or a friendship where that seems very one-sided can lead to resentment. I had a romantic relationship & a friendship where I was doing everything I could to try & accommodate the person & be there for em but I felt that person was barely trying with me & made me a very low priority compared to other things. It caused me to feel like I was being used & taken advantage of which lead to me becoming unstable & acting out with my romantic partner who decided to brake up with me after a while which today I woulda advised her to do myself cuz my behavior became abusive & there is NO excusing it, I shoulda ended our relationship instead of getting to that point. As for as the friendship, I refused to help him out with money after a while & I never saw him again. I'm NOT saying that relationships should be transnational but I at least need to feel like the other person is willing to compromise & trying to meet me halfway with things.


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03 Jul 2022, 8:41 am

blazingstar wrote:
You're putting a transactional spin on relationships between people, romantic or platonic. Transactional relationships rarely succeed because life is not static. Maybe your romantic partner loves sex now, but what about after she has been forcibly raped? Are you going to leave her because she can no longer tolerate being touched? What if she loses a breast to cancer? What if she develops MS in her 30s?
Meh. My parents' love for me was very transactional. They loved me only if I earned their live: by getting all A's (perfect grades), doing everything they told me, and eating the lumpy oatmeal they fed me. It taught me an important lesson: good things, and especially love, don't come free or easy. So why shouldn't I set certain expectations with the women I date?

blazingstar wrote:
Nic na Mara, I wish it weren't so, but men, especially younger men, focus a lot on the physical aspects of a relationship. Learning to just say NO, in a tone of voice that says you mean it, is an important skill to develop. Putting other things in your life first makes sense. When the right person comes along, if he does, he will be willing to wait as long as you want.
Waiting/patience is well and good, but there's a fine line between being patient and being a simp. If I have to wait weeks in order get one banal hug from the girl I'm dating, then I'm well within my rights to say "thanks, but no thanks". Because she could easily be making me wait just because she can or because she's stringing me along, rather than because of genuine issues with physical touch. Not to mention, without touches, I have no way of knowing if she even likes me in the first place.

Nonsexual but close touch matters more to men than most women think. It's interesting how women on my cruises were very cavalier about holding my hand, hands on each other during picture poses, hugs, and dancing with me, even though they met me that day. It was a shock to my system when I took my first cruise 10 years ago; I had recently aged into my looks, after looking hideous for 10 years prior, and wasn't used to women's attention. I later learned that friendly touch is how women often show friendly admiration and respect, rather than sexual interest. Of course, it's up to the man to know that not all touches mean sexual interest.