How many aspies have been in abusive relationships?

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What nature of relationship have you been involved in
I have only been in abusive relationships 17%  17%  [ 9 ]
I have never been in an abusive relationship, but have had normal relationships 11%  11%  [ 6 ]
I have been mostly in abusive relationships compared to normal ones 32%  32%  [ 17 ]
I have been in very few abusive relationships compared to normal ones 23%  23%  [ 12 ]
I have never had a relationship 17%  17%  [ 9 ]
Total votes : 53

klanka
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01 Apr 2022, 2:54 pm

Where the person voting is the one abused, not the other way around



Summer_Twilight
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01 Apr 2022, 3:55 pm

Years ago, I had a crush on an autistic man which never turned into anything serious. He turned out to be a covert narcissist who abused me emotionally. Believe me he did a good job of getting his hooks into me.

1. Some times he would love bomb me and then other times he would whine about how I got on his nerves

2. He would tell other people behind my back that I was chasing him and that he didn’t like me.

3. He told me he didn’t have feelings for me but he would flirt every time I would turn around

4. He was always very unpredictable. He would be sweet one day and then angry the next

5. He would cut me down all the time .



SendInTheClowns
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01 Apr 2022, 4:47 pm

I suspect that many aspies are targeted by narcisstic predators. Narcissists groom victims by telling them what they want to hear, especially people who have experienced long term invalidation (which is most AS people, perhaps all). These predators are extra good at manipulation, and AS people can tend to not suspect hidden agendas and red flags until the damage is done.



Summer_Twilight
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01 Apr 2022, 5:16 pm

SendInTheClowns wrote:
I suspect that many aspies are targeted by narcisstic predators. Narcissists groom victims by telling them what they want to hear, especially people who have experienced long term invalidation (which is most AS people, perhaps all). These predators are extra good at manipulation, and AS people can tend to not suspect hidden agendas and red flags until the damage is done.


He told me what I wanted to hear a few times.

1. He flirted with for a whole month one time. Then the next time we go together he ignored me and flirted with another friend of mine. He also made it seem like he was choosing her over me before telling both of us that he didn’t have any romantic feelings.

2. He made it sound like he was interested in me romantically some years later. He would do things like have all the courage to talk to me at a convention. Of course I bought it.

A. I texted him and wished him happy birthday. Not long after, I heard from his roommate that he changed his phone number

B. The next time I saw him, he gaslit me



klanka
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01 Apr 2022, 5:35 pm

The unpredictable behavior and going behind your back seems like narcissism.

I read a few posts where people said similar things , so I set up the poll.



SendInTheClowns
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01 Apr 2022, 6:29 pm

I see it as an important general issue as well - one which maybe would get wider notice, polling response and comment in the general forum? (you can ask a moderator to move it if you wish)



Summer_Twilight
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02 Apr 2022, 8:44 am

I eventually went no contact with him and moved on with my life. In honesty there really isn’t much to miss. I have been happier since.



klanka
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02 Apr 2022, 10:03 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I eventually went no contact with him and moved on with my life. In honesty there really isn’t much to miss. I have been happier since.


I did the same (except exchange him for her) and wouldn't go back for the world.

The mods can move it if they think it will help. It should show up in 'view posts since last visit' anyway.



HighLlama
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02 Apr 2022, 1:24 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Years ago, I had a crush on an autistic man which never turned into anything serious. He turned out to be a covert narcissist who abused me emotionally. Believe me he did a good job of getting his hooks into me.

1. Some times he would love bomb me and then other times he would whine about how I got on his nerves

2. He would tell other people behind my back that I was chasing him and that he didn’t like me.

3. He told me he didn’t have feelings for me but he would flirt every time I would turn around

4. He was always very unpredictable. He would be sweet one day and then angry the next

5. He would cut me down all the time .


That's very sad and relatable. I'm glad you're in a better place, now.

I think these kinds of character disturbances are more common than people like to believe.



Summer_Twilight
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02 Apr 2022, 1:52 pm

HighLlama wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Years ago, I had a crush on an autistic man which never turned into anything serious. He turned out to be a covert narcissist who abused me emotionally. Believe me he did a good job of getting his hooks into me.

1. Some times he would love bomb me and then other times he would whine about how I got on his nerves

2. He would tell other people behind my back that I was chasing him and that he didn’t like me.

3. He told me he didn’t have feelings for me but he would flirt every time I would turn around

4. He was always very unpredictable. He would be sweet one day and then angry the next

5. He would cut me down all the time .


That's very sad and relatable. I'm glad you're in a better place, now.

I think these kinds of character disturbances are more common than people like to believe.



Me too because that was a confusing relationship. However, there was something about him that always scares me. In fact, something told me not yo get alone with him and he didn’t.
Luckily he ignored and avoided me. It still hurt though.



Nades
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02 Apr 2022, 1:58 pm

Abuse in relationships is very common for autistics. Autistics lack the social skills in deterring, yet alone preempting abuse.

Autistics are brilliant at identifying abuse in hindsight.

We're useless at spotting abusive people in foresight and sadly foresight is all that matters.



HighLlama
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02 Apr 2022, 4:01 pm

Another question: who has been with someone open to understanding autism? How many have had partners who accept sensory issues, motor skill difficulty, routines, private time, limited affect, etc? As opposed to laughing at or belittling these things.

How many want you, instead of seeing you as an odd version of a "normal" person?



Summer_Twilight
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02 Apr 2022, 4:22 pm

The thing is, it’s more dangerous when when you are dealing with emotional abuse.

Anyway, I think the most common abusive relationships are ones where the other party is controlling.



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02 Apr 2022, 4:46 pm

yes, the one that got me pregnant

he would pull me about,hit me,lock me in the cupboard.push me to the ground and walk on top me ,hurt me and if i shouted he would hit me in the face,and he would get all his friends around and use me as a slave
he would make me sit in a corner and throw his poop at me

everything you can think of he done


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02 Apr 2022, 5:05 pm

I've never been in an abusive relationship but my cousin has (I think she's NT as doesn't seem to display enough traits to be autistic but she is quite socially odd). She got controlled by a psychopath when she was only 14, without her mum knowing. This psychopath was a control freak, a paedophile, a con man, a woman beater, and a skilled liar. He got everything he wanted by lying his way through life. He got hold of my cousin, brainwashed her, and isolated her from all her friends and family for 10 years. Then when he got bored with her and started seeing this woman with young daughters (disgusting) he kicked her out and now she's free.
But funnily enough she doesn't seem at all traumatized by any of it. Not one tiny bit.


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Summer_Twilight
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02 Apr 2022, 5:46 pm

I used to associate with what I thought was an married couple who appeared to be neurodiverse.

I soon learned that the husband was abusive to his wife and step daughter. He would demonstrate just controlling he by having outbursts when he didn’t get his way. He eventually started being abusive to me.

He started using the fact that I am autistic and how everything was wrong with me.