What Am I Even Supposed To Do To?

Page 21 of 26 [ 402 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 ... 26  Next

Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,614
Location: New York City (Queens)

17 Mar 2023, 9:56 pm

Nades wrote:
What's the point of all these groups when they can be bypassed with a driving licence and semi-decent job?

Because TGI is caught in an emotional vicious circle.

As he has explained numerous times, while he does understand that obtaining "a driving licence and semi-decent job" would indeed make it much less difficult for him to find a girlfriend, his loneliness robs him of the emotional energy to do those things.

An in-person support group might be just what he needs to help him get out of that vicious circle. Even if he doesn't find a girlfriend there, hopefully just having some in-person human companionship might help him feel more motivated to improve his life overall, in ways that would make it easier for him to find a girlfriend too.

Nades wrote:
The need to go to support and drugs groups will become moot when the whole circumstances that makes people go to them become moot.

Getting romantic interest can only come from some sort of confidence and as much as people believe otherwise, confidence needs to be grounded in something.

This entire thread is just people saying "fake it until you make it" in one form or another and it gets people nowhere in both the romantic sense and overall well-being.

The whole point in life is not to go to some sort of narcotic anonymous or mental health support group. They're just stepping stones at absolute best.

(Platonic) Friendship is an important part of life too, and a support group might be the best place for him to find friends at the moment. It would also provide opportunities to improve his in-person social skills.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 973
Location: Oklahoma

18 Mar 2023, 11:03 am

Dengashinobi wrote:

I'm more into this line of thought. If you are a straight man and you want to attract a straight woman, you should have your act together first. That's a fact of nature. If you are seeking a relationship. After all having your act together is a better condition, with or without a woman. If you don't, then there might be more urgent things to wory than a relationship with a woman. Just my opinion.


One of the worst pieces of advice we often hear is "Just be yourself, someone will love you just as you are." Now I understand not being fake to win over another person, but self improvement is often needed to win at the game of love, and as you stated, it has other benefits for your life as well.

I have a friend who used to be a counselor who has two saying that apply here.
The first is "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If you don't like the results you are getting (or not getting) then you need to change something. If you don't, you will keep getting the same results. I have also heard this put another way-"If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting." Magic only happens in fairy tails.

The second thing he has told me before is "People rarely achieve success without putting a lot of effort into it."
Hollywood has fed us this BS that love just happens out of nowhere. I can be sitting at Starbucks, just going out my business, and some attractive woman will sit down next to me, everything will click, and we will be married with kids in 5 years. Now how often does that really happen?

There is a rare few guys who are so good looking that they don't have trouble getting women, but even for these guys, I doubt some woman just walked up to them out of the blue and said "Will you be my boyfriend?" These guys had to spend time talking to girls first, at least putting themselves out there some. And they had to work on there appearance. How many of these really attractive guys are overweight, look upkept, walk around depressed talking about how much life sucks, etc? No, they had to improve the areas of life they could and spend some effort getting to know girls before hooking up with them or whatever.

For guys who are not in the league, even more effort is needed. I know my prospects improved when I lost weight, started exercising, stopping drinking alcoholically, dressed a little better, and changed to a more positive outlook on myself and life in general.



WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,884
Location: California, United States

19 Mar 2023, 2:23 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
29 was when i had a dating breakthough, but 33 was my first long-term relationship, like a year and a half, i know i will forever permanently be bitter and resentful that i didn't have a long-term relationship by my early to mid-20s,

I hope you'll find a way to get past that bitterness and resentfulness. As you're probably well aware already, bitterness and resentfulness are likely to be a big turnoff to potential partners.

If you can't just let go of your bitterness and resentfulness, then maybe you could channel them into something constructive, like autistic rights activism, or helping to build the autistic community in some way? You can't undo the past, but maybe you can help make life better for yourself and other autistic people in the future?

By the way, although many more boys than girls are diagnosed with autism, the sex ratio is closer to even among autistic people who are diagnosed as adults -- perhaps because women are more likely than men to be comfortable with seeking things things like psychotherapy and psychological evaluations? Also it seems that women are in the majority among autistic rights activists and autistic community builders. (Many of these are lesbians or asexual, but by no means all are.)

Of course, activism and community-building aren't everyone's cup of tea, but I think they're an option worth considering.

WantToHaveALife wrote:
makes me feel like i still never escaped inceldom because of that, due to being a late bloomer, makes me feel like still an incel, will always be jealous and envy people who got to date, have relationships before i did. Because it makes me feel i didn't grow up having a normal youth.

I really hope you'll find some way to leave the toxic (and self-defeating) incel mentality behind. Ditto for your resentment over not having had a "normal youth."


what do you mean by Ditto over not having had a normal youth? are you saying you feel you didn't grow up having a normal youth?



WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,884
Location: California, United States

19 Mar 2023, 2:25 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
I know the feeling. I still feel like I am an Incel at times, even though I am not and married.


ya, i feel i can relate to the guy from the UK who wrote this article:
https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43956366

the part of the article i was moved by the most, was this part:

"I look back on my youth with a sense of regret. It's almost as though I am grieving for something that didn't take place. I feel there's a stack of fond memories that aren't available to me, or a set of experiences that I didn't have.

I don't know what it's like to be in love when you're young, I don't know what it's like to take those steps in the world with a member of the opposite sex, that experimental, fun time - and that leaves me with a sense of regret."



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,614
Location: New York City (Queens)

19 Mar 2023, 6:09 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
I really hope you'll find some way to leave the toxic (and self-defeating) incel mentality behind. Ditto for your resentment over not having had a "normal youth."


what do you mean by Ditto over not having had a normal youth? are you saying you feel you didn't grow up having a normal youth?

What I mean is that I hope you will find some way to leave your resentment about this behind, because being haunted by this resentment will likely make it harder for you to find a girlfriend in the future. (The one exception I can think of is if you can find a way to channel this resentment for the benefit of all autistic people, as I discussed earlier.)

I didn't grow up having a "normal youth" either. I was always an oddball in one way or another.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,884
Location: California, United States

19 Mar 2023, 6:39 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
I really hope you'll find some way to leave the toxic (and self-defeating) incel mentality behind. Ditto for your resentment over not having had a "normal youth."


what do you mean by Ditto over not having had a normal youth? are you saying you feel you didn't grow up having a normal youth?

What I mean is that I hope you will find some way to leave your resentment about this behind, because being haunted by this resentment will likely make it harder for you to find a girlfriend in the future. (The one exception I can think of is if you can find a way to channel this resentment for the benefit of all autistic people, as I discussed earlier.)

I didn't grow up having a "normal youth" either. I was always an oddball in one way or another.


specifically, how do you feel you didn't have a normal youth? well people are entitled to their feelings and mindset, i know i will always be jealous, envious of people who got to date, have a relationship in their younger years



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,614
Location: New York City (Queens)

19 Mar 2023, 7:02 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
specifically, how do you feel you didn't have a normal youth?

To sum it up, I just didn't fit in socially, at all, with the vast majority of my peers. Throughout gradeschool and what is now called middle school, I was always the oddball who got picked on.

Luckily I did manage to do well academically, and so I was able to attend the Bronx High School of Science. I thought I'd fit in better there, but I didn't fit in there either, although at least I was generally ignored rather than picked on, which was a relief. I managed to make a few sort-of friends but no close friends. There were also a couple of guys who very briefly expressed romantic interest in me but broke it off soon thereafter. (There was no sex.)

I eventually did manage to find some real friends and some short-lived romantic/erotic relationships in my early twenties (so admittedly my situation isn't quite like yours). I found them in the context of various oddball subcultures, not in any context that was even remotely mainstream.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


Last edited by Mona Pereth on 19 Mar 2023, 7:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,884
Location: California, United States

19 Mar 2023, 7:10 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
specifically, how do you feel you didn't have a normal youth?

To sum it up, I just didn't fit in socially, at all, with the vast majority of my peers. Throughout gradeschool and what is now called middle school, I was always the oddball who got picked on.

Luckily I did manage to do well academically, and so I was able to attend the Bronx High School of Science. I thought I'd fit in better there, but I didn't fit in there either, although at least I was generally ignored rather than picked on, which was a relief. I managed to make a few sort-of friends but no close friends.


well i assume you got to have a boyfriend in your teens, or early 20s



Twilightprincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,365
Location: Twilight Realm

19 Mar 2023, 7:13 pm

There’s more to life than having a girlfriend/boyfriend. There are worse experiences than not having one.


_________________
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.- Satan and Twilightprincess


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,614
Location: New York City (Queens)

19 Mar 2023, 7:15 pm

To WantToHaveALife: See my previous message, which I edited while you were in process of composing yours.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,884
Location: California, United States

20 Mar 2023, 2:16 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
specifically, how do you feel you didn't have a normal youth?

To sum it up, I just didn't fit in socially, at all, with the vast majority of my peers. Throughout gradeschool and what is now called middle school, I was always the oddball who got picked on.

Luckily I did manage to do well academically, and so I was able to attend the Bronx High School of Science. I thought I'd fit in better there, but I didn't fit in there either, although at least I was generally ignored rather than picked on, which was a relief. I managed to make a few sort-of friends but no close friends. There were also a couple of guys who very briefly expressed romantic interest in me but broke it off soon thereafter. (There was no sex.)

I eventually did manage to find some real friends and some short-lived romantic/erotic relationships in my early twenties (so admittedly my situation isn't quite like yours). I found them in the context of various oddball subcultures, not in any context that was even remotely mainstream.


well when was your first long-term boyfriend then? i assume still in your 20s though



Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,635
Location: Australia

20 Mar 2023, 2:44 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
ProfessorJohn wrote:
I know the feeling. I still feel like I am an Incel at times, even though I am not and married.


ya, i feel i can relate to the guy from the UK who wrote this article:
https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43956366

the part of the article i was moved by the most, was this part:

"I look back on my youth with a sense of regret. It's almost as though I am grieving for something that didn't take place. I feel there's a stack of fond memories that aren't available to me, or a set of experiences that I didn't have.

I don't know what it's like to be in love when you're young, I don't know what it's like to take those steps in the world with a member of the opposite sex, that experimental, fun time - and that leaves me with a sense of regret."


I am an older person.
I also don't look backwards.
Too many bad memories.
I focus on the present.

I do understand what you are saying, though.


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine.
"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)
Glory to Ukraine.


Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,635
Location: Australia

20 Mar 2023, 2:47 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
I really hope you'll find some way to leave the toxic (and self-defeating) incel mentality behind. Ditto for your resentment over not having had a "normal youth."


what do you mean by Ditto over not having had a normal youth? are you saying you feel you didn't grow up having a normal youth?

What I mean is that I hope you will find some way to leave your resentment about this behind, because being haunted by this resentment will likely make it harder for you to find a girlfriend in the future. (The one exception I can think of is if you can find a way to channel this resentment for the benefit of all autistic people, as I discussed earlier.)

I didn't grow up having a "normal youth" either. I was always an oddball in one way or another.


I was gang-stalked for around 40 years.
Finding a girlfriend when I was younger wasn't my main focus. (I actually avoided it.)
Survival was.


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine.
"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)
Glory to Ukraine.


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,186
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

20 Mar 2023, 3:15 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
There’s more to life than having a girlfriend/boyfriend. There are worse experiences than not having one.


He can't relate to what you have experienced.

And you also, you can't relate to what he's experiencing (he's feeling that he has never been loved, it's quite order of magnitute different from just "not having a girlfriend").


_________________
Need an Web/App Developer? pm me.

Check here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645


Twilightprincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,365
Location: Twilight Realm

20 Mar 2023, 5:44 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
There’s more to life than having a girlfriend/boyfriend. There are worse experiences than not having one.


He can't relate to what you have experienced.

And you also, you can't relate to what he's experiencing (he's feeling that he has never been loved, it's quite order of magnitute different from just "not having a girlfriend").

How do you know that I can’t relate to that?

I don’t think that I’ve ever been truly loved.


_________________
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.- Satan and Twilightprincess


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,186
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

20 Mar 2023, 6:37 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
There’s more to life than having a girlfriend/boyfriend. There are worse experiences than not having one.


He can't relate to what you have experienced.

And you also, you can't relate to what he's experiencing (he's feeling that he has never been loved, it's quite order of magnitute different from just "not having a girlfriend").

How do you know that I can’t relate to that?

I don’t think that I’ve ever been truly loved.


I don't think he can comprehend that "been fakely loved" may be worse than "never experienced any kind of dating, or being loved ever"; because...he never experienced both.

Nor I think you can relate to him, because you don't know what it is like to be never had any dating memories/experiences (at least before realising it was fake).


_________________
Need an Web/App Developer? pm me.

Check here to get the Block functionality for Wrongplanet:
viewtopic.php?f=13&t=390645