Do Aspies miss their partners?

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kraftiekortie
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08 Jan 2023, 5:28 pm

https://www.kennedykrieger.org/stories/ ... s_syndrome

Rexi
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08 Jan 2023, 9:01 pm

Europegirl wrote:

Rexi wrote:

In response to the title-question: yes, eventually. But the more important thing makes this fact pretty insignificant, unfortunately.

The truth of the matter cannot be ran forever from.

Thank you! Could you explain this a bit, please?

Incompatibility to high extents is very hard to cope with for both partners. You're very right to be concerned. Also about his values and feelings in the relationship, they might not be the same.

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08 Jan 2023, 9:11 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I’m not an Aspie because I had delayed speech.

Most autistic people are not Aspies.

Many ppl interchange the two terms.
I don't make a great distinction.

"Apies" are considered more high functioning.

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08 Jan 2023, 9:22 pm

Europegirl wrote:

Rexi wrote:

For example I have a dysfunction to connecting with my partner and I have to work hard to achieve it. It's frustrating but it pushes me to need more time with my s\o before the intimacy is achieved. I'm also not interested in sex as much as emotional stuff, a mix of things including significant trauma in my childhood and later in many relationships. Took me a long time to realize it.

When we're talking about someone expressing to someone else they're 'clingy' we're talking about a position of superiority. There are varying degrees of needs. Commonly people fall in love and get intense. Narcs, antisocials etc. won't understand this fact when explained, for example. You would not be having your own needs or personality in their view, and they could not accept they're flawed because it would severely complicate their view of themselves due to deep insecurities, so you must be the wrong one (for them). Self preservation, mechanism of reaction\adaptation.

Hello Rexi, thank you for your answer. Could you please explain a bit how this disfuntion to connect feels like from your perspective? He seems like this, too, and it is so hurtful.
Luckily he never calls me clingy. He would not devalue a need of someone but rather try to find common ground, which is one of the things that has been healing for me in this relationship.

Take it with a grain of salt, not sure if he would experience it the same way, also since me and him seem so different in general.

It seems that the ability to connect is skewed in a way, so I need certain time to feel like I have received the emotional energy\satisfaction which in turn makes me less able to give and more likely to ask for. It feels like lack of progress and I tended to blame what my partners would do to further interrupt the process and disrupt the mood. Your man seems to need distance though.

Autistic people (particularly men) are known to feel not at home, do not fit in and\or cannot talk about themselves even amongst communities of autistic people due to social severity of issues. Sad but true, connection is very offering and prized. You have mentioned a lot of the things I have often felt in my relationships.

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Mona Pereth
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09 Jan 2023, 12:42 am

amykitten wrote:

I had speech delays and got diagnosed with Aspergers.

Technically this was a misdiagnosis. Apparently this kind of misdiagnosis was common, which is one of the reasons why the powers-that-be decided to get rid of the category "Asperger's disorder."

My boyfriend also got (mis)diagnosed with "Asperger's syndrome" despite having a speech delay.

amykitten wrote:

Since its all levels now you can move through them at any stage of your life

Exactly. That's one of the reasons why the current system was adopted.

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Mona Pereth
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09 Jan 2023, 3:15 am

Europegirl wrote:

Luckily he never calls me clingy. He would not devalue a need of someone but rather try to find common ground, which is one of the things that has been healing for me in this relationship.

That's a very good sign. I hope you're able to work this issue out with him.

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09 Jan 2023, 3:26 am

Europegirl wrote:

Yes, he know certain things make me doubt his feelings. He says what I think is not true and tries to work on things to make things better, which I appreciate. Like answer to texts I send him, which has has not done in the past. But at the same time, he knows I've been feeling very insecure since about August and he'd never come up with anything on his own to make me feel better. Like bring a present. Or send an extra-nice text. Or make plans for my birthday for an outing. Things I would do if I wanted to reassure someone. But of course these things come natural to me.

All of the things you mention here, as things you want him to do, require executive functioning skills, which many autistic (and ADHD) people have difficulties with to some extent. Also, given all his other responsibilities, he might have what we in the autistic community (and people in the disability community more generally) call a shortage of "spoons." (See Spoon theory.)

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09 Jan 2023, 6:53 am

Nyx001 wrote:

My actions have always been a fair bit subdued but the thing is I was usually bursting inside with excitement (not towards the end...). I would give him a big hug (and usually wanting to get to the bedroom ASAP lol)

If your desire for sex is this strong you should be very open about it. Tell the guy you want it, shove your hand down the front of his pants while hugging him. Guys want to know that their partners are horny for them. You might also want to tell him that such an explicit expression of sexual desire is a bonus he gets for dating a woman with AS. Many women seem to think they need to be coy about their sexuality, as a means of self-protection I suppose. Or they think the guy will be offended if he thinks she's only interested in what's in his pants. The exact opposite is true, especially in the early stage of a relationship.

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Europegirl
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09 Jan 2023, 8:11 am

Rexi wrote:

It seems that the ability to connect is skewed in a way, so I need certain time to feel like I have received the emotional energy\satisfaction which in turn makes me less able to give and more likely to ask for. It feels like lack of progress and I tended to blame what my partners would do to further interrupt the process and disrupt the mood. Your man seems to need distance though.

Autistic people (particularly men) are known to feel not at home, do not fit in and\or cannot talk about themselves even amongst communities of autistic people due to social severity of issues. Sad but true, connection is very offering and prized. You have mentioned a lot of the things I have often felt in my relationships.

Hello Rexi, thank you. I don't really understand this, but I guess you are right, it is probalbly so different for him, so I'll ask him. And yes, we might be too different in our needs etc.

Europegirl
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09 Jan 2023, 8:17 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

Europegirl wrote:

Hey Mona, yes this might be true to and another good thing to talk with him about. He is very good in his job, but also has someone to manage appointments for him, so I tend not to think about him as lacking executive function. But who knows, maybe he finds does find hard, once he is on his own. He has certainly a lot on his plate, even if he was NT it would be a lot. (For me however, any meeting with him is energizing and not a chore, so I always prioritize it no matter how much I have to do and I have a stressful job myself.) Anyway, I'll ask him about the executive function thing. Would be also helpful if you have some further reading.
Again, thanks a million to all of you for sharing your thoughts. It is highly appreciated.

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09 Jan 2023, 12:46 pm

Europegirl wrote:

For many autistic people, social interactions of any kind, even pleasant and highly desired social interactions, eat up significantly more mental energy than they would for NT's.

Also as I mentioned earlier, many autistic people have, to one degree or another, difficulty coping with sudden changes in plans. (This is an aspect of the executive functioning difficulties many autistic people have.) That's likely one of the reasons why he doesn't seize every possible opportunity to see you just because your plans changed at the last minute.

Europegirl wrote:

Anyway, I'll ask him about the executive function thing. Would be also helpful if you have some further reading.

- Autism and Executive Function - Adult Autism Center (Utah)
- Executive Functioning Explained - AANE (New England)
- Executive function - Musings of an Aspie

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10 Jan 2023, 12:45 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

Also as I mentioned earlier, many autistic people have, to one degree or another, difficulty coping with sudden changes in plans. (This is an aspect of the executive functioning difficulties many autistic people have.) That's likely one of the reasons why he doesn't seize every possible opportunity to see you just because your plans changed at the last minute.

Indeed.
Executive dysfunction is a biatch and probably the worse aspect of autism for me.

However, I am convinced it enhances my creativity.
"Every cloud has a silver lining".

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