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Summer_Twilight
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27 Jul 2021, 12:19 pm

I just heard something very interested about rejection and I would like to share it. According to the video, he said that whenever someone rejects us,you don't need to explain yourself to these people because chances are they have already made up their mind about you. This person also said that someone meet you, make up assumptions about you when they don't know you. This includes

1. Not disclosing your autism diagnosis or any other personal things
2. Don't try to share anything positive about you because they don't care
3. Don't try to offer them gifts or cards - I know from experiences it changes nothing



hurtloam
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27 Jul 2021, 12:45 pm

That's very good advice. I can't really add anything.



Summer_Twilight
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27 Jul 2021, 1:31 pm

I have fallen into the rut of looking for acceptance from others so many times that it's not even funny.

When I was a young adult, I lived with two roommates who were a bit older than I was. Though I tried to mask and keep my diagnosis a secret, they decided they didn't want anything to do with me other than have me be a name on the roommate agreement. I tried everything to prove I was good enough for them but it never worked.

I.E. - One roommate decided she hated me after the first week and became bossy and nasty with me about silly things for the rest of the time I lived there. Meanwhile, I tried to get along with her and be as nice as I could but it didn't matter. I even bought her a gift card for Christmas which she never thanked me for. She was going to be mean and reject me no matter what.



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27 Jul 2021, 2:04 pm

Quote:
I just heard something very interested about rejection and I would like to share it. According to the video, he said that whenever someone rejects us,you don't need to explain yourself to these people because chances are they have already made up their mind about you.

This may be true sometimes but not for everyone. Some people might have just interpreted one wrong and might have gotten to like them once they got to know them.


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Not disclosing your autism diagnosis or any other personal things

I've never, ever disclosed my diagnosis to anyone before in my life, and I never plan to. It feels too much of an awkward thing to say.

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Don't try to offer them gifts or cards - I know from experiences it changes nothing

There's this new guy at work who had bought everyone at work a drink and some biscuits each, just of his own accord. That made me, and the others, think how kind and thoughtful he is, and nobody's judged him for it.


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Summer_Twilight
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27 Jul 2021, 2:09 pm

I think what this person in the video was referring to are people who tend to spin their wheels trying to get the same person or group to like them who have already made up their mind that they don't like these people and want nothing to do with them based on assumptions. People with small or closed minds.

Yes, there are people who are more guarded at first and then slowly get know you and like you.



Edna3362
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28 Jul 2021, 9:40 am

It's kinda simple; and here's an example:

I don't have to believe if I'm a good or a bad person -- but someone else will interpret it as such regardless.

If I firmly believe that I'm either a good or a bad person, I'd end up spending my time and energy 'preserving' or 'fighting' that belief by attempting to persuade others of what they may interpret otherwise.
Potentially in expense of everything including myself -- there lies the problem.



Personally, I'd rather use anyone's assumptions and 'habits' against them.

With or without any explanations, prompts or 'sharing' why-I-did-X because there are no real wrong or right 'actions' or even impressions of. :lol:

But there are always will be the right and wrong 'times' for it -- that includes disclosure.

Because I'm too reactive and inconsistent to act reliably out of intent or even any plan -- I tend to take and make out from what I get.


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28 Jul 2021, 9:48 am

1. Not disclosing your autism diagnosis or any other personal things.  The more you disclose at the beginning, the easier it is for them to reject you before getting to know you as a person.

2. Don't try to share anything positive about you because they don't care.  Bragging -- even humble-bragging -- can and will be perceived as a sign of conceit (at best) or narcissism (at worst).

3. Don't try to offer them gifts or cards -- I know from experiences it changes nothing.  Buying 'friendships' with gifts never works in the long run, because once the gifts stop coming, so do your 'friends'.


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28 Jul 2021, 1:15 pm

I'm not the sort to disclose my ASD to people anyway, as I've always been closeted about it and I don't let it define me. It'd be a bit like me saying what size bra I am or that I have a mole on my butt or something. You don't tell someone that, so my ASD is as private as that (if not more), and I'm fortunate that my symptoms are complex and not obvious. I may come across as quirky but not "Aspie enough" to make people guess that I'm on the spectrum, even if they know what ASD is.


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Temeraire
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28 Jul 2021, 2:14 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
It's kinda simple; and here's an example:

I don't have to believe if I'm a good or a bad person -- but someone else will interpret it as such regardless.

If I firmly believe that I'm either a good or a bad person, I'd end up spending my time and energy 'preserving' or 'fighting' that belief by attempting to persuade others of what they may interpret otherwise.
Potentially in expense of everything including myself -- there lies the problem.



Personally, I'd rather use anyone's assumptions and 'habits' against them.

With or without any explanations, prompts or 'sharing' why-I-did-X because there are no real wrong or right 'actions' or even impressions of. :lol:

But there are always will be the right and wrong 'times' for it -- that includes disclosure.

Because I'm too reactive and inconsistent to act reliably out of intent or even any plan -- I tend to take and make out from what I get.


I agree with you about believing we are neither good nor bad. We just are.
The amount of energy it takes to change someone else or a group of other people is massive and most probably futile anyway. It is much easier for us to change the way we view or feel about them by understanding and accepting some people will not want to be your friend or acquaintance.

The relationships worth nurturing are those where people do show some interest and acceptance of us. Relationships with intimacy do require open and honest disclosure, but that does not mean autism which is very very personal and a choice to be pondered at length before revealing to a stranger.

Gifts are a funny one. Because you don't need to have gifts to have a lovely relationship with others. But sometimes a thoughtful gift can say what we cannot say in words - some people are action and gift oriented and less eloquent with words and physical touch.

At the end of the day, if someone is being mean you can walk away and use your love on someone who actually deserves it.

There are billions of sociable people in this world. Enough for us all to get by.



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28 Jul 2021, 4:49 pm

People only accept those who accept themselves.

I used to not accept myself because I felt unaccepted by most.



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28 Jul 2021, 6:06 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
1. Not disclosing your autism diagnosis or any other personal things

... unless you met them at an autism support group, or some other venue where it's appropriate to talk about such things.


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Joe90
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28 Jul 2021, 6:17 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
1. Not disclosing your autism diagnosis or any other personal things

... unless you met them at an autism support group, or some other venue where it's appropriate to talk about such things.


These tips aren't really a one size fits all thing. It all depends on where you meet people and what type of people you meet. Some of these points are acceptable in some situations but not others. I think a lot of spectrumers (not including myself) find it hard to decipher what is appropriate in what situation.

Social interaction is very complex and isn't always as simple as 2+2.


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Edna3362
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28 Jul 2021, 7:48 pm

^ Very true.
To me the advice is... Redundant.

Quote:
1. Not disclosing your autism diagnosis or any other personal things

I don't... Because it's really none of their business. :P
And this has nothing to do with denial or acceptance, only of that my consent and this is my default.

Quote:
2. Don't try to share anything positive about you because they don't care

I don't... Because I don't care. :twisted:
I'd rather 'show' as I would usually go and let them decide than 'tell'! And I don't like to tell.

Quote:
3. Don't try to offer them gifts or cards - I know from experiences it changes nothing

I don't... Because it'll be too expensive and I just don't see any point. :lol:
On top of that... I had to truly know a person first before I ever give them any gifts at all.



The advice is, perhaps, is for people who gives other people too much power -- something I don't normally do.

Or perhaps people who wanted to tone down their 'nice-person' aspect or their 'cynical' aspect up -- something I don't have to do, but some would rather keep it.


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Summer_Twilight
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29 Jul 2021, 11:13 am

It just dawned on me about people who reject us and have already made up their mind about us. I think he means not giving people who reject a piece of our mind. Rather, just let these people reject you and think what they want.



hurtloam
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29 Jul 2021, 2:03 pm

Yeah, I think it's about not wasting our time and energy of people that will never care. It's better to spend time on things and people who are enjoyable.



Summer_Twilight
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29 Jul 2021, 3:12 pm

I think some examples:

1. If a colleague invites everyone but you out to lunch or to a party at their house -
2. If you live near family members who have decided they don't want you over and even if it's the holidays

He is suggesting that you don't need to confront these people or convince them otherwise because chances are there is a reason you are not meant to be with them because they maybe engaging in activities that could get you into trouble later on.

I know what he is talking about, I was rejected by people who I thought were great but they turned out to be people who
1. Lie all the time
2. Engage in criminal activity
3. Use drugs