I dunno what subject-I just need help. Maybe. I don't know.

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Jaejoongfangirl
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30 Sep 2010, 10:39 am

Hey, folks.
So, I don't really know where I'm at...
I'm in a good place academically, I have 'friends' in all of my classes and I can meet people easily - In fact, I am actually rather outgoing.
I feel like I can't complain because I am doing very well. But, I'm at the point now that I don't know whether or not I should disclose my disability and this is very, very difficult for me. I feel very - i don't know - just... apart from everyone else I guess...

I usually hand each of my teachers, at the beginning of the semester, a note telling them about my disability. Of the ones that have heard of aspergers, they all say that they know people that have it and I don't seem at all like that. No one seems to believe me and I feel almost silly for even bringing it up - like I'm just mentioning it to get sympathy or something.
Another example. Last weekend I went to a friend's party and I met some of her friends. We got along fine, lots of common interests and stuff, laid back personalities, good senses of humor. I was chatting with this one guy and he mentioned that he has AS, just casually. I said that I did too and he sort of looked at me funny, skeptically, and said that I didn't seem like it.

When my teachers regard me skeptically, I tell them, almost defensively, that the main reason I bring in the note and mention my AS (or at least the only reason that I can articulate clearly to my professors when they look at me and say that there seems to be nothing wrong) at all is because of the dysgraphia that comes with it for me. My handwriting is so awful that I sometimes get points off when being graded since the graders think that I'm being lazy, when, in fact, my handwriting is awful just naturally. It seems like its the most/only outwardly visible aspect of my condition nowadays. But my dysgraphia isn't really the issue I'm struggling with right here.

I feel like, since I don't outwardly come across as having AS nowadays, I feel almost like a hypocrite when I mention it. This makes me feel just awful - Like I'm complaining about something that I don't have. Which is not the case at all - I do have it, I was diagnosed at 4, I was one of the kids they studied/looked at to write up a new formal diagnostic criteria for AS in the mid 90s. I do still feel it and face these difficulties. It's just... I guess my struggle is almost invisible lately.

I feel isolated, so seperated from everyone - even though I know how to be friendly and attractive to people - y'know, all the stuff that I've spent most of my life struggling to understand how to do - it really doesn't mean anything. It actually feels like I'm losing something.

I work so hard.... and now its just like I'm a part of no group at all. Like I belong no where. Its so cliche but I really do feel as if no one understands me.

I hate to end this post on such a trite, melodramatic, emo note, but I have to go to class now.

I know the paragraphs above are rather jumbled and poorly put, but I don't have time to edit right now and I really just want to get this out there, y'know? I don't know what kind of replies I want to get back, but I just... I need to just try to say this I guess.

I'll be back in a few hours to edit and see if I have any responses. I just feel so isolated... But also like I can't complain.



Tahitiii
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30 Sep 2010, 11:12 am

I know the feeling. I fake it so well, I can't get a diagnosis at all. I've been working on my routine for a half-century and I've learned a few tricks. Like how to freeze when some jerk touches my knee to punctuate his sentences. The local shrinks don't know and don't want to know anything about autism in intelligent adults, particularly women. I gave up.

You feel like no one understands you because they don't. And if they did understand, they would actively hate you rather than ignore you. It's like being gay -- they want to believe it's a crime or a sin or a mental illness, when it's just a difference.

Have you looked for Aspie meetup groups in your area?



Jaejoongfangirl
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30 Sep 2010, 1:17 pm

Tahitiii wrote:
I know the feeling. I fake it so well, I can't get a diagnosis at all. I've been working on my routine for a half-century and I've learned a few tricks. Like how to freeze when some jerk touches my knee to punctuate his sentences. The local shrinks don't know and don't want to know anything about autism in intelligent adults, particularly women. I gave up.

You feel like no one understands you because they don't. And if they did understand, they would actively hate you rather than ignore you. It's like being gay -- they want to believe it's a crime or a sin or a mental illness, when it's just a difference.

Have you looked for Aspie meetup groups in your area?

Thanks so much for replying. (:
I've been to the aspie conventions before - In fact, I'm seeing temple grandin speak for my 3rd time later this month. I've met other people with AS. I just don't know how to handle it. I find as many differences between me and others with AS as I do between myself and 'normal' people. I mean, I've also come to see my AS as just a difference with a name, so, of course, it makes sense that everyone is different from everyone else.

But... I just feel like I should feel an affinity with either other people with AS or feel an affinity with NT people. But, the fact is, I'm different from both. I guess the larger idea here is that people are not defined by their groups and can't really be filed into preset definitions... Maybe. I don't know! That might be complete BS. I always try to justify and generalize things like this... ):

I mean, I have AS, someone else has AS: we sort of understand, to some degree, the other's struggle. Or we should theoretically - we have similar perspectives and way of approaching social things - but the problem is that I don't really outwardly come across as having the same issues as they deal with and they just don't... I don't know how to say this... like they don't trust me or something. They don't feel a connection with me so I can't really connect with them either.
That's just me speculating again, though....
Where as, I do the right things, act the right way when talking to 'normal' people and well, they like me just fine, but I just don't feel a connection since I'm sorta coming to the table with a different perspective.
And, again, this is just me speculating... I wish I could be more honest and less analytical. I'm really, really trying... ):

I just want to feel a connection in some way with other people. I know that's such a typical thing to hear on here, but...I just don't know how to address it.

I like to be alone sometimes, often even - But that's just physically alone. I really hate feeling alone.
I'm only 19... I just don't want this to be a problem for the rest of my life. I really really want to just feel like I belong with other people... I feel like I have the time, ability, and resources/gifts to fix this but I just can't figure out how...

I'm very close with my sisters and my family and even though they are very kind, and try to understand, I know that there is no way they really can. I do have a wonderful family though. Of all the people I know, I feel they come closest to understanding me.
Just, how do I find that sort of bond outside of my family? I just can't...

People enjoy my sense of humor and my optimism (though, of course, you can't see any of that usual optimism in this post. haha) and people are also impressed by how intelligent I am. I'm not bad looking either. I just feel like... I have everything, so why do I have such difficulty still?

~~~~
I'm sorry for all the text, I just don't know how to say these things in an honest, concise way.

Again, after writing this, I just feel like I'm a complaining, whiny hypocrite. I feel like I have no reason to be having this awful invisible struggle but yet, I am.



Jaejoongfangirl
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30 Sep 2010, 1:30 pm

I know I'm saying nothing here. I'm just complaining and spewing stuff that really has no meaning. I don't think there's a way to change how I feel things and how I "feel" others/feel connected to them.

I'm just letting out some words. If I think too hard and try to say something of substance I feel like the emotion and sentiment gets hidden by me trying to make the words make sense.

I've found that if i try to rationalize the importance of saying something before letting it out, I rarely find reason to speak at all. So I'm just going inane stream of consciousness on y'all now.

That's why I'm just saying these silly, petty things. Sorry, I'm just trying to express something...



Zara
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30 Sep 2010, 2:45 pm

Your DX was at 4, that was a long time ago and maybe you wouldn't fit the criteria for aspergers today if were DX'ed. Though you're still on the spectrum, that never goes away.

Sounds like you're wondering where those meaningful relationships are in your life when it seems like so have friends and can get by. I don't know what to tell you. It's extremely rare from my experience and often temporary too. Can you define more precisely what it is you are seeking from other people? Emotionally availability? Shared interests? A girlfriend to shop for shoes with? What have tried so far to have closer friendships and why do you think it didn't work?

Whatever it is you want, are you willing to give the same in return? It's all too easy for aspies to desire close friends and relationships but they usually don't know what to contribute to keep such things going and such connection fails. That's just my observation.

I hate the feeling of being alone too. I try to think of fellow ASDer's as fellow kin but even I still find myself feeling alone with them. I reckon the experience isn't unique though.


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Jaejoongfangirl
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30 Sep 2010, 4:36 pm

Zara wrote:
Sounds like you're wondering where those meaningful relationships are in your life when it seems like so have friends and can get by. I don't know what to tell you. It's extremely rare from my experience and often temporary too. Can you define more precisely what it is you are seeking from other people? Emotionally availability? Shared interests? A girlfriend to shop for shoes with? What have tried so far to have closer friendships and why do you think it didn't work?

Whatever it is you want, are you willing to give the same in return? It's all too easy for aspies to desire close friends and relationships but they usually don't know what to contribute to keep such things going and such connection fails. That's just my observation.

To answer these questions, I can't... I honestly can't define it without making stuff up. And, to the second one, I want to do this, but I think this is where I'm having the issue. Figuring out how to give what I want from others.

I have relationships - a ton of them, actually - I just don't feel like any of them are very close. They are pretty shallow, just what's on the surface, really. Despite trying to relax around friends, I feel a lot of pressure to "perform" almost when I'm hanging out with them. Not because they're mean or demanding, they are perfectly nice, mostly, but I just feel like I need to put on a show, because that's just what I'm expected to do and that's what other people like to see.

I don't see others that are close friends doing this, and I know this is not how I act around my sisters.

This is an unfortunate comparison, but if you've ever seen the show Dexter, I feel a bit like he describes feeling, like he's wearing a 'mask' in his day-to-day life. I have my code that I live by, to seem normal, but that's not really what's up underneath my 'act' I guess. I'm very introverted and very quiet underneath my outgoing and friendly exterior, but I've had the mask on so long and it benefits me in so many ways that I can't really figure out what was under the mask in the first place. And, well, other than the issue of feeling connected to people, i really have no motivation to figure it out either.

I feel like I used to know how to genuinely connect with others even though before I was very shy and rarely ever spoke. Even I was so reserved then, I remember feeling more of a connection with my friends back in middle school and elementary school than I did with my many friends in highschool and the many friends I have now. Maybe thats just a getting older thing though... I don't know...

I'm terrified that, maybe, my improvement in general social areas is making me more closed to actually opening myself up to other people and realizing what I actually want out of all of this.
Even though the way I am makes me more socially acceptable. I miss having a few close friends instead of all these acquaintances. But I forget how to not be like I am now, 'improved'... and I don't think I want to stop either...

I don't know. Almost like, in finding a me that is appealing to society, I've lost who I really am. It's all very difficult and very cliche... And I hate that its making me unhappy because this is what I was working towards as a child, in those special ed classes and with those "read the emotion on this face" tests through elementary school.



Jaejoongfangirl
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30 Sep 2010, 7:08 pm

Can someone/a mod please delete this? Does it work that way? :\

I appreciate the feedback and all, but I just don't want it to be up here anymore...
Thanks.



Tahitiii
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08 Oct 2010, 2:04 pm

Jaejoongfangirl wrote:
Can someone/a mod please delete this? Does it work that way? :\
I appreciate the feedback and all, but I just don't want it to be up here anymore... Thanks.
What? I was just getting ready to comment.

Oh, well. If you want the whole thread deleted, try ~ http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt132621.html
Once you're in that thread, you can click a name to send a PM to that moderator.
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