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TooOldForThis
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13 Dec 2014, 10:24 pm

I've been best friends with another girl since the ninth grade when we agreed mutually on our relationship status. We sacrificed a goat, signed our names in blood, you know the standard procedure. I was so happy to have a friend. I'd never really had one before.
Fast forward to college. She's living with her +40 year old boyfriend (who has a child from cheating during his first marriage) who's a drunk and working menial jobs only to quit them within the week. I'm in nursing school.
I love her. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. So far she's the closest to being 'in love' with someone that I've ever been. And I'm not even gay (I think). It's just... her. But she wants nothing to do with it. And that's ok. If it wasn't this would be under the Love Life section.
But ever since I started going to college we've been growing apart. Not in the traditional after high school way but in the 'I just realized that every time she calls me I get really sad and those little things that never used to bother me are starting to piss me off' kind of way. I actually cut our hang out time off early today because I was just feeling miserable.
Then I wondered, is it because I've finally made friends besides her in college? Am I finally seeing what a true good friend looks like and realizing that she isn't it?



Beau
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14 Dec 2014, 2:20 am

Hello.

I'm a bit confused. What did you mean when you said that "she wants nothing to do with it"? Also, what did she do/not do that led you to view her as a bad friend? It sounds like you don't approve of her relationship with the older guy and maybe that's contributing to the rift in your friendship. Is that why you feel sad during your phone conversations?



tromboneking
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14 Dec 2014, 11:02 am

Is it this person's personality that is getting you down? Or the fact that they are in the middle of living out bad decisions they have made? I can empathize a little bit with both of the above problems.



TooOldForThis
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14 Dec 2014, 4:27 pm

Beau wrote:
Hello.

I'm a bit confused. What did you mean when you said that "she wants nothing to do with it"? Also, what did she do/not do that led you to view her as a bad friend? It sounds like you don't approve of her relationship with the older guy and maybe that's contributing to the rift in your friendship. Is that why you feel sad during your phone conversations?


I meant that she doesn't feel romantic love for me and doesn't want that kind of a relationship. I am the one who calls her, never the other way around. She always ignores my messages and calls when I'm in trouble but when something goes wrong in her life suddenly she needs me to fix everything for her. It always "well that sucks... but what's happening to me is way worse". I always remember birthdays and Christmas but I can't remember the last time she gave me something. I will answer her call in a great mood but halfway through the conversation I feel like everything is my fault and that I'm a terrible person.
The worst is that when my Asperger's is showing she gets really frustrated and wants me to shut it down completely. She tells me to quit fidgeting and lower my voice when I'm close to or actually having a meltdown. I tell her I'm upset and she never seems to sympathize, only pushing me further over the edge. She is always frustrated with me no matter how hard I try to be better and 'act normal'.
I don't care who she dates. He could be a 900 year old Martian for all I care. I'll be miserable if that means she gets to be happy.



TooOldForThis
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14 Dec 2014, 4:31 pm

tromboneking wrote:
Is it this person's personality that is getting you down? Or the fact that they are in the middle of living out bad decisions they have made? I can empathize a little bit with both of the above problems.


Both I guess. It's hard watching her go through struggles that I can't fix. But this feeling of misery has gone on so long that I'm wondering if she's been a bad friend from the beginning. I've never felt fully comfortable in her presence, like I always need to catch up or change something about myself.
But I still love her. Or at least I think I do. I know it's really confusing.



Summer_Twilight
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15 Dec 2014, 8:26 am

She is not a good friend. It sounds like you love her but you are realizing to that she is not a good friend. She certainly sounds like it. She also seems like a very self centered person which a lot of people are. Most people are not capable of being good friends for that reason. Maybe the reason she is mean to you like that is because of the reasons above. Therefore she is NOT a nice lady.

You could let her know that you don't feel like she is being a good friend to you and that things seem very one sided. Then express she has seemed to kick you when you are down. When there is a problem on her end that she likes to be the one to whine. (I hate people like this) Finally bring up the situation that you feel like she misunderstands your Autism and pretends it does not exist and you don't appreciate it. Then cut it off and find people who are different.



jubileebaby
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15 Dec 2014, 9:14 am

Also sounnds like natural progression to me.

Both your lives have moved on for different reasons and in very different ways.

As with romantic relationships, sometimes platonic ones can also just purely run their course and it's often no one's fault.



tromboneking
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15 Dec 2014, 11:33 am

To the OP: it doesn't necessarily have to be black and white. I've found this myself. I guess if this person is making you feel sad whenever you see them, then you probably should cover yourself with some space from that person. Up to this point, many of my closest friends have not been in school and/or were having issues with petty drama or drugs. Only they can change themselves. You should not, by any circumstance, try to change them. Only listen if you feel like you can listen. Otherwise, it is misconstrued as condescension (I have learned this the hard way).

"Best friends forever" is a facade.... Be thankful for who is there for you in the moment, but realize that that may be somebody different later on. :|



Summer_Twilight
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22 Dec 2014, 11:44 am

tromboneking wrote:

"Best friends forever" is a facade.... Be thankful for who is there for you in the moment, but realize that that may be somebody different later on. :|


I see your point. People can change and it depends heavily on the circumstances. I've had a few women in my life who were there for me at the moment. Then everything changed based upon:

1. One of them their first boyfriend at age 12 and our relationship was never the same. She did not understand my situation and thought it was weird for a 14 year old to go into every detail about Disney films. Then she got mixed up with the wrong crowds next to having a bad influence for a mother who was a sociopath. So she became a bully towards me.
2. I had met a friend at an Autism Center 10 years ago and things were going well. She moved to a vocational school for 9 months. During that time there she changed. In fact she was not very nice to other people at the institute who she thought were beneath her. It even got to a point where she started acting like she was superior to me. For instance it turned out that she was mis-diagnosed with Asperger's and could get into the military. She made a discriminatory comment. "I don't think people Asperger's Syndrome can get in." Then she never wanted to get together after moving home. There was always an excuse. Finally if I even tried to confront her she would call me up on my cell phone and leave hostile messages. "I got your last letter and I don't appreciate that and you don't know what I am going through."

3. I am still recovering from being rejected by another woman earlier this year. She recently got married 4 years ago and she changed within that time. She went from being humble and generous to this snotty little house wife with nice clothing from expensive department stores. She is also very clingy, insecure, and jealous of me. Then it turns out that her husband and family did not like me mainly due to social class standings and different beliefs. In the beginning her spouse was really sweet to me then after they got married he started gossiping about me to her. He also was nasty to my friends and I on several occasions. At the same time I don't know why she dumped me like that. I don't know if she did not like me, or if I did something she did not care for or if she is told not to be friends with me.

I hate it when someone swears an oath and betrays you.
"I love you like a sister" or "I will always be there for you," etc. It shows you that words are cheap.