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BDavro
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02 Oct 2019, 8:39 pm

Fnord wrote:
You need to share their values, their interests, and their economic status. You also need to excel at something that they are into (a sport, a talent, an art, a craft, et cetera) to earn their admiration. Good looks and personal hygiene are important, too. Show good humor and generosity. Be merciful to those less fortunate. Dress well.


I'm pretty sure these are Talking Heads lyrics.



BDavro
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02 Oct 2019, 8:44 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
Sounds like from the information I get I'm pretty much just going to have to roll the dice and hope what I do happens to work for people.

I mean being nice and considerate to people is good but, it just doesn't make friends(at least not by itself). It just gives me much anxiety cause I'm afraid of offending or doing something wrong. I wouldn't want to change myself(not a lot at least...) to be friends with people(Lord knows I do enough of that in my life, don't need more)!


I understand and relate to what you are saying.

If you have to change yourself to become friends then you are not really friends at all.



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02 Oct 2019, 9:14 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Just be nice to the person, give the person the benefit of the doubt, don't get too upset if the person has a different opinion from yours, show an interest in what the other person is saying....things like that.

Be there for the person if the other person is distressed about something. Seek to give decent to great advice.

Economic status: People are friends with those of different economic statuses all the time. The "same" economic status is not a prerequisite for friendship----that it does help with some people.

Shared interests: Yes, that's important

Political beliefs: Yes mostly....but not totally necessary. I have been friends with people of different political beliefs.

Philosophy of Life: Same as above----except I tend to value "philosophy of life" over "political beliefs."


Think this does ring true . Kinda like finding peers? Not as good at giving benefit of the doubt these days .


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Mona Pereth
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03 Oct 2019, 8:07 am

AquaineBay wrote:
How do people be friends with each other? I never had a friend (prior to the one I have now)

How did you meet the above-mentioned friend, and what drew you together?

AquaineBay wrote:
and I don't know how to be one. I ask people IRL and they say things and it eventually devolves into "I don't know!" I have another person that I could potentially be friends but, I just don't know how.

How did you meet that person, and on what basis do you regard this person as a potential friend?

AquaineBay wrote:
All that ends up happening is me becoming an anxious mess cause I don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated!

Your answers to the above questions may help us give you more specific and useful advice.


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03 Oct 2019, 8:12 am

Just don’t be a jerk to people. That goes a long way.



AquaineBay
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03 Oct 2019, 3:58 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
How do people be friends with each other? I never had a friend (prior to the one I have now)

How did you meet the above-mentioned friend, and what drew you together?

AquaineBay wrote:
and I don't know how to be one. I ask people IRL and they say things and it eventually devolves into "I don't know!" I have another person that I could potentially be friends but, I just don't know how.

How did you meet that person, and on what basis do you regard this person as a potential friend?

AquaineBay wrote:
All that ends up happening is me becoming an anxious mess cause I don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated!

Your answers to the above questions may help us give you more specific and useful advice.


We met here on WP and being on the spectrum is what drew us together pretty much. I never actually thought about what basis I regard this person as a friend, just that they are. I never had a base level, for pretty much anyone they usually said I was a friend and I went with it but, never knew how they came to that conclusion.


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Mona Pereth
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03 Oct 2019, 6:48 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
How do people be friends with each other? I never had a friend (prior to the one I have now)

How did you meet the above-mentioned friend, and what drew you together?

AquaineBay wrote:
and I don't know how to be one. I ask people IRL and they say things and it eventually devolves into "I don't know!" I have another person that I could potentially be friends but, I just don't know how.

How did you meet that person, and on what basis do you regard this person as a potential friend?

AquaineBay wrote:
All that ends up happening is me becoming an anxious mess cause I don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated!

Your answers to the above questions may help us give you more specific and useful advice.


We met here on WP and being on the spectrum is what drew us together pretty much. I never actually thought about what basis I regard this person as a friend, just that they are. I never had a base level, for pretty much anyone they usually said I was a friend and I went with it but, never knew how they came to that conclusion.


I actually asked you about two different people in the message you replied to above: (1) the friend you have now and (2) the potential new friend.

Which one of these two people are you describing in your most recent post above? And could you please also answer my questions about the other person?

(Or did you mean to answer me about both people, but without clearly distinguishing which person you were talking about in each case? If so, could you please clarify what you meant to say about whom?)


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03 Oct 2019, 9:30 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
How do people be friends with each other? I never had a friend (prior to the one I have now)

How did you meet the above-mentioned friend, and what drew you together?

AquaineBay wrote:
and I don't know how to be one. I ask people IRL and they say things and it eventually devolves into "I don't know!" I have another person that I could potentially be friends but, I just don't know how.

How did you meet that person, and on what basis do you regard this person as a potential friend?

AquaineBay wrote:
All that ends up happening is me becoming an anxious mess cause I don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated!

Your answers to the above questions may help us give you more specific and useful advice.


We met here on WP and being on the spectrum is what drew us together pretty much. I never actually thought about what basis I regard this person as a friend, just that they are. I never had a base level, for pretty much anyone they usually said I was a friend and I went with it but, never knew how they came to that conclusion.


I actually asked you about two different people in the message you replied to above: (1) the friend you have now and (2) the potential new friend.

Which one of these two people are you describing in your most recent post above? And could you please also answer my questions about the other person?

(Or did you mean to answer me about both people, but without clearly distinguishing which person you were talking about in each case? If so, could you please clarify what you meant to say about whom?)


Sorry I wasn't paying attention, something was on my mind when I wrote it. To clarify, for (1) the fact that we were on the spectrum drew us together and similar personalities. (2) The potential friend I met at my social skills group. I don't have a basis or anything, and actually I don't really feel anything when talking to that person. Maybe they aren't a potential friend when I write it out...


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04 Oct 2019, 1:35 am

AquaineBay wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
We met here on WP and being on the spectrum is what drew us together pretty much. I never actually thought about what basis I regard this person as a friend, just that they are. I never had a base level, for pretty much anyone they usually said I was a friend and I went with it but, never knew how they came to that conclusion.


I actually asked you about two different people in the message you replied to above: (1) the friend you have now and (2) the potential new friend.

Which one of these two people are you describing in your most recent post above? And could you please also answer my questions about the other person?

(Or did you mean to answer me about both people, but without clearly distinguishing which person you were talking about in each case? If so, could you please clarify what you meant to say about whom?)


Sorry I wasn't paying attention, something was on my mind when I wrote it. To clarify, for (1) the fact that we were on the spectrum drew us together and similar personalities. (2) The potential friend I met at my social skills group. I don't have a basis or anything, and actually I don't really feel anything when talking to that person. Maybe they aren't a potential friend when I write it out...


1) So if I understand correctly: The person you met via WP is the one about whom you wrote: "the fact that we were on the spectrum drew us together and similar personalities." Is that correct? If so, what are the most interesting and relevant similarities of your personalities?

2) Regarding the potential friend you met at your social skills group: Don't assume that the person is NOT a potential friend because you "don't really feel anything." In my experience, some very good friendships have started out very low-key. The important question at this point is whether there are any specific topics you both enjoy talking about and/or fun activities you both enjoy doing. If yes, then you can easily spend some time together without running out of things to do or talk about. THEN you can decide whether the friendship is worth pursuing further.


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04 Oct 2019, 1:45 am

AquaineBay wrote:
I appreciate the replies! jimmy m I like the way you go about making friends but, I would prefer that in a life partner. If I was going to learn and grow with someone it would be my partner.

Not even with a close friend?

For me personally, a vital part of friendship is intellectual companionship, which necessarily involves "learning and growing together," at least on some particular topic of common interest, though not necessarily life in general.

AquaineBay wrote:
Fnord I don't think I need to share all those things to be friends with someone. Maybe one or two but, all seems to me to be asking too much.

Depends on how deep/close you want the friendship to be. Other factors being equal, the more you have in common, the closer/deeper the friendship can potentially become. Just one or two commonalities is enough for a casual friendship.

AquaineBay wrote:
My biggest issue is boundaries. The big stuff(hitting, insults, etc.) are easy, it's the small stuff like things you do together, stuff you talk about, appropriate amount of time to spend with that person, those kinds of things.

Based on your replies to other posts of mine, it would appear that both your current friend and your potential new friend are fellow Aspies. In that case, the amount of time each of you likes to spend on a budding friendship is something you can explicitly negotiate. This is appropriate with a known fellow Aspie because it's known that many of us have a problem with social overload; hence NT social expectations, even if we were fully aware of them, would not be a reliable guide.

Things you do together and stuff you talk about are determined by (1) your common interests and (2) how you got to know each other in the first place.

AquaineBay wrote:
Also specifics of what activities cross into romantic or things you do with closer friends.

As a general rule, in the early stages of a friendship, I tend to stick primarily to discussing things related to whatever common interest(s) drew us together. Other topics are only lightly touched on, unless another major area of common interest is discovered.

I generally don't share much about my personal life until BOTH (1) I know the other person well enough to feel that I can trust the person AND (2) the other person has confided in me to a similar degree too.

How long it takes to knowing the person well enough to feel that I can trust the person depends partly on where/how I met the person, e.g. it takes a LOT longer with someone I met in a work context than with someone I met at a support group. Also, it takes longer for me than it would probably take for most people, due to my awareness that I'm not a great judge of character (as most autistic people probably aren't).

AquaineBay wrote:
I don't know where the boundary starts and stops (not even in general).

Friendship is a broad continuous spectrum with no hard-and-fast lines of demarcation between different levels and kinds of friendship.

A lot depends on how comfortable you feel with the person -- and on how comfortable the other person feels with you.

There's a pitfall here, though: It is commonly said that autistic people are especially vulnerable to manipulative charmers who are said to excel at making other people feel initially very comfortable, but who then turn out to be malignant narcissists/psychopaths. Fortunately I never got into a close relationship with such a person, although, in the past, I have run into a few such people who wrought havoc in what was then my social circle. More recently, I've been hearing rumors about such a person who is said to have wrought havoc in the local autistic community several years ago.

So it's good to take your time getting to know someone before you consider them to be more than a casual friend.

One important precaution in particular: With someone you met in any context that you don't want broadcasted to the entire world (e.g. here on WP, if you're not out as autistic to everyone in your life, including all potential future employers, landlords, etc.), I recommend NOT revealing your full legal name or other identifying details until and unless there's a good reason why it becomes necessary to do so. (Otherwise, if the person turns out to be a vengeful sort who enjoys doxxing everyone who has ever annoyed them even in the slightest, you are s**t out of luck. Alas, such people do exist.)

Probably the best protection against bad people, of various kinds, is simply to take things slow and easy in the initial phases of getting to know people. That way, you have a lot of opportunities to observe the person before you get too close.


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BiscuitTinComputer
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04 Oct 2019, 11:03 am

I say that you need to know them in at least 3 different contexts.

For example monthly Book club (multiple people via meetup.com or similar ) with & work/school/voulunteer together & go to the cinema together (smaller gathering)

You could attend multiple hobby-groups if they are in your area(I'd expect you and your friend to have 3 or more groups or interests in common)

The question is i you want to improve your current friendships, make new friends, both or either.



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04 Oct 2019, 7:13 pm

So , found common interest friend ..! Yaay after 3 yrs of not so much regular communication.And much personal support and even helped her medically . Financially and she has gotten over, what she thought was chronic bronchitus, and got a better higher paying job. After 3 .yrs .
She asks to borrow 300 dollars to move out of parents house . Paying back 100 a month. That was 4 months ago. No calls and no discussion of payback . So i call and she has her phone set to reject my number . Do you think i will ever get , badly needed 300 back ever . Or just fooled again .?

Does this happen to other people, or am i dumb , not to remember never to loan money to friends?


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04 Oct 2019, 7:14 pm

Jakki wrote:
So , found common interest friend ..! Yaay after 3 yrs of not so much regular communication.And much personal support and even helped her medically . Financially and she has gotten over, what she thought was chronic bronchitus, and got a better higher paying job. After 3 .yrs .
She asks to borrow 300 dollars to move out of parents house . Paying back 100 a month. That was 4 months ago. No calls and no discussion of payback . So i call and she has her phone set to reject my number . Do you think i will ever get , badly needed 300 back ever . Or just fooled again .?



Does this happen to other people, or am i dumb , not to remember never to loan money to friends?


Just did not have any friends for almost 7 yrs before her.


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04 Oct 2019, 9:10 pm

Thanks for the info Mona! The reason I said what jimmy said was too much cause I easily get sucked in other's problems. It's easy for people to take advantage of that and I would have to trust them enough that they won't up and leave. A close friend maybe but I would still be a little cautious.

The most interesting and relevant similarities between me and my friend... I never thought about it and just found them to be very interesting! :oops: (And if they ever came and read this I would be very embarrassed)

My social group friend I don't know...I would feel bad to keep going with trying to be friends when I feel there is nothing there to begin with. Kinda feel like I would be leading them on. I know friends can start low-key but, I wouldn't want them to invest when I knew that I wasn't feeling anything.

If I missed a question I'm sorry. It took me a while to process all that information you gave at once Mona.


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05 Oct 2019, 7:46 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
Thanks for the info Mona! The reason I said what jimmy said was too much cause I easily get sucked in other's problems. It's easy for people to take advantage of that and I would have to trust them enough that they won't up and leave. A close friend maybe but I would still be a little cautious.

What exactly do you mean by "get sucked in other's problems"? Do you simply mean that you have a desire to help people when they are having problems? If so, that's a good thing -- but only if your friends reciprocate and help you when you need help too. I would suggest that, as you get to know people, you do occasional small favors for them and see if they reciprocate in any way, at least eventually. (But avoid the pitfall of rigid score-keeping; a friendship is not a business transaction.)

AquaineBay wrote:
The most interesting and relevant similarities between me and my friend... I never thought about it and just found them to be very interesting! :oops: (And if they ever came and read this I would be very embarrassed)

I would suggest that you try to be more aware of your specific reasons for finding someone interesting.

AquaineBay wrote:
My social group friend I don't know...

Earlier you referred to it as a "support group"; now you're calling it a "social group." What kind of group is it, exactly, and what does it do? Does it have discussion meetings, or is it just socializing? Does it, for example, have a discussion meeting in a rented room somewhere, and then go out to dinner afterward? Or does it have a variety of different kinds of events?

AquaineBay wrote:
I would feel bad to keep going with trying to be friends when I feel there is nothing there to begin with. Kinda feel like I would be leading them on.I know friends can start low-key but, I wouldn't want them to invest when I knew that I wasn't feeling anything.

I didn't mean to suggest that you put a lot of time and effort into one-on-one interaction with this person, separate from the group you both attend. However, if you and the other person both continue to attend the group, then you can continue to get to know each other in the context of the group. Then you can make a more informed decision about whether you want to spend more time with this person outside the group.


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07 Oct 2019, 2:18 pm

Answer to Mona's post:
I mean that I end up doing too many favors or concentrate on solving others problems instead of my own or neglecting things I need to do to help them. I never liked score-keeping and hate when people do it(unless it's a Huge imbalance and they are doing it to balance it out).

I don't have a specific reason for finding someone interesting, I do it based on how I feel. Unless you do mean things like insults or I don't like your mannerisms(such as excessive profanity in public) the only thing left is how I feel.

Also I don't remember ever refering to my social skills group as a "support group". It's a group where we go to learn about proper social etiquette and getting better prepared for real life. Also making friends and going places(though I think that's more of a bonus). We have parties and outings as well.


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