Truths about socializing that no one tells you

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Starlight2001
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09 Aug 2020, 9:40 pm

[quote]The World will also suspect you of being a manipulative butt-kisser with selfish goals and ulterior motives.[\quote]

This part isn't the whole world, it's a subset called cynics. They don't believe truly good people exist and therefore think there has to be something else behind the nice exterior.



blooiejagwa
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09 Aug 2020, 9:52 pm

Starlight2001 wrote:
Quote:
The World will also suspect you of being a manipulative butt-kisser with selfish goals and ulterior motives.[\quote]

This part isn't the whole world, it's a subset called cynics. They don't believe truly good people exist and therefore think there has to be something else behind the nice exterior.


or maybe they are like that and want everyone else to be like that in their minds so they dont have to feel guilty if they run over someone on the highway of life, with the mentality that, its just a competition or a farce anyway.


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Phoenix20
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09 Aug 2020, 11:02 pm

Communication skills come naturally to most people that do not have Autism/Aspergers.
Lack of charisma and poor communication skills are common aspects of Autism/Aspergers.
It is not your fault that you were unfortunate to be born with Autism/Aspergers.



blooiejagwa
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09 Aug 2020, 11:10 pm

Phoenix20 wrote:
Communication skills come naturally to most people that do not have Autism/Aspergers.
Lack of charisma and poor communication skills are common aspects of Autism/Aspergers.
It is not your fault that you were unfortunate to be born with Autism/Aspergers.


she seems to have a lot of charisma and clarity of thought, eloquence, adeptness at communication to me but i am judging from her writing.


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ReapTheWhirlwind
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09 Aug 2020, 11:21 pm

blooiejagwa wrote:
Phoenix20 wrote:
Communication skills come naturally to most people that do not have Autism/Aspergers.
Lack of charisma and poor communication skills are common aspects of Autism/Aspergers.
It is not your fault that you were unfortunate to be born with Autism/Aspergers.


she seems to have a lot of charisma and clarity of thought, eloquence, adeptness at communication to me but i am judging from her writing.


It's journalistic writing. Sophisticated, but modest. Easy to understand the point, and translates well to verbal rhetoric.


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blooiejagwa
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09 Aug 2020, 11:40 pm

enviable anyway. A+ if i were her teacher


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10 Aug 2020, 3:57 am

blooiejagwa wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Whale_Tuune wrote:
2.) Gossip isn't necessarily malicious. It hurts like Hell to know that others are talking s**t about you. The fact of the matter is that even though it's sh***y behavior, it's also near ubiquitous behavior. I don't approve of it, but people mocking something stupid you did the other day doesn't necessarily automatically mean that they hate you; it means that people like to gossip and they likely don't think that what they're saying will get back to you. It's thoughtless, petty behavior, but bear in mind that it's frequently behavior borne out of indifference and carelessness rather than intentional malice..


You may have to give gossip a free pass. Almost all NTs engage in some level of gossip. Some more than others. For example I love my mother but she engages in gossip almost every time I speak to her on the phone. It comes naturally and I don't think it comes from a bad place but I agree its irritating and sometimes cringey.

A sensible approach is to ignore gossip when your friends engage in it. Maybe change the subject.



i think all i ever do on WP is gossip to be honest :oops: :skull: 8O


You are a veritable angel Blooie, I think the OP was talking about malicious intent



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10 Aug 2020, 4:04 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Gossip is probably the very first sort of conversation archaic hominids ever had. It's as 'normal' as using physical affection to form and reinforce social bonds. :nerdy:


Meanwhile back in the distant past you would have heard - "Hey Gog! "grunt" you see what Magog did to her cave! she painted mammoths all over with her fingers! Who does that!!

You think that's funny....check out jak jak's furs, he forgot to take the sabre tooth off...that's gotta hurt...hahahahaha

hey I feel I can trust you - Let's go hunting with roc and dogbreath...I fancy some roasted rhino steaks



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16 Aug 2020, 2:21 pm

Picking-up on cues gained through osmosis from being a quiet observer in welcoming public social environments (which have been curtailed on account of a pandemic) augmented with personal growth appears to be helpful - learning just enough to "get by" so to speak.

Especially with the Autism Spectrum, I sense that alot of truths on socializing cannot easily conveyed/instilled - without stretching the limits of written, and spoken language.



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16 Aug 2020, 9:22 pm

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Petty minds discuss other people.

Something like that :lol:


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16 Aug 2020, 9:59 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
I have a few things I've realized over the years about social skills, that people tend not to tell you when speaking didactically.

1.) Being a good person has less to do with being well-liked than one would think. Charisma, conversational skills, and self-confidence go much further. Make no mistake, being selfish, petty, or cruel will only serve to make you a lot of enemies and has no benefit in and of itself. Don't sacrifice your moral compass because it "doesn't matter". But bear in mind that being half-decent some of the time coupled with good social skills and high charisma goes way, way further than keeping to a solid moral code but being socially awkward. Most people will deny that they like charismatic but slightly sh***y people better than kind, socially awkward people. Most people, I think, are in denial.

2.) Gossip isn't necessarily malicious. It hurts like Hell to know that others are talking s**t about you. The fact of the matter is that even though it's sh***y behavior, it's also near ubiquitous behavior. I don't approve of it, but people mocking something stupid you did the other day doesn't necessarily automatically mean that they hate you; it means that people like to gossip and they likely don't think that what they're saying will get back to you. It's thoughtless, petty behavior, but bear in mind that it's frequently behavior borne out of indifference and carelessness rather than intentional malice.

3.) Social inertia is a thing. First impressions matter because they frame the way we see people later on. Someone who has a reputation for being confident and charismatic can get away with much more outrageous behavior, and it will be seen as self-aware humor rather than a sign that they're weird. For example (this is graphic, so steer clear if you get grossed out easily) once in my Spanish class, a gregarious and outgoing girl gave a graphic recollection of getting her fingernail dislocated and having to have it re-embedded in her finger. Then she offered to show us pictures. This was taken as a hilarious joke. If I had done something like that, the response would have been different.

4.) Most people like to think that if they don't actively hate anyone else, that's fine. They're not being harmful. All I can say is that there's a reason why "the opposite of love is indifference" is an aphorism.

5.) No one is really good at understanding others. There is no "universal human code of behavior". Social boundaries and practices vary from person to person and group to group. Because of that, rote training in social skills can only go so far. Most people can generally tap into the boundaries and atmosphere of the group or situation they're in. We typically cannot, and very little "book reading" about socializing can necessarily solve that. Humans are also prone to misunderstandings. Don't let others judge you and take their word about you over yours, period.


I learn a lot from hearing the AS women's perspective of being among the women.. it's interesting how you notice the difference between you and the popular gregarious girl and how it is socially significant.. if I was looking at a group of girls at school, I would be blind to these dynamics within the girl group!



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17 Aug 2020, 11:58 am

Only be rude or annoying if you're popular, as no-one will mind.

If someone is introverted or unpopular or have an ASD or some other developmental disability then their feelings aren't valid so you can insult them for doing something that your annoying popular friend does all the time.


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Whale_Tuune
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17 Aug 2020, 3:09 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Only be rude or annoying if you're popular, as no-one will mind.

If someone is introverted or unpopular or have an ASD or some other developmental disability then their feelings aren't valid so you can insult them for doing something that your annoying popular friend does all the time.


Very true.


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17 Aug 2020, 6:58 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
1.) Being a good person has less to do with being well-liked than one would think. Charisma, conversational skills, and self-confidence go much further. Make no mistake, being selfish, petty, or cruel will only serve to make you a lot of enemies and has no benefit in and of itself.

Didn't ever want to become as popular but people seem to remember me. Charisma? Good question. I don't know. Once you are less self-resticted and for this a bit less boring then the average crowd and provide a bit of a good mood to others then most people will like you. :? One point of social hierarchy seems to be related to your mood within the crowds. Just act less self-restricted and a bit more open towards others and provide kind of a good mood and the people treat you totally differently.


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18 Aug 2020, 10:08 am

An observation that seems to be unaccounted for; it's about psyching people out -- good and bad.

My own social truth and motto is this;

Quote:
All forms of social interactions are a form of manipulation.

That includes unseen and passive influences without ever seeing and knowing the recipients, intended and unintended -- all it matters is human audience perception and their receptivity.

Body language? Empathy? They're as basic as literacy and writing in terms of learning social skills.
Cultural knowledge and attitude? Social dynamics and contexts?
Heck, even statuses between parties, respective habits and value systems.

They're all just a means to an end, just like how words themselves are tools to the readers and writters.
At least that's how I see it. The rest are just bonus to me to honor and appreciate.


The NTs around me gave me a lot of chances to observe and overhear more social data than I would've like sometimes.
Some of it happened to be "How to adapt and blend outside your home territory". It would've been perfect if I were socially driven.


My only issue is myself and myself alone. I can have all the social chances and exposures, and still can mean nothing.
Because there is no "How to manage your emotions", "How to regulate your senses", "How to socially wield your body and voice", "How to prevent getting symptomatic ADD", "How to avoid burnout", "How to fix your hormones from getting symptomatic BPD", etc.
There is no manual for social filters. There is no tutorials on overwhelm.

Even NTs themselves neglects their respective upbringings and self-care. They just get by with instincts, less than a quarter of observation and a body that self regulates.

Any autistic who tries to adapt knows what I mean by this. There is so much more than just the social clumsiness.
It's like trying to jump without a harness, and then blame others for it. Only a very few can pull that off without getting hurt.

:o

1. Is true depending in the occassion.
Especially for certain positions where one had to be a bit intimidating and a bit more approachable than the other.
How to be approachable, yet guarded enough not to mess with you.
Then there's a matter of allegiance.

2. Yes. They're a decent source of info if you get lost or trying to find something. It's better than nothing.
Still, it requires discernment. The longer the gossip chain, the more distorted the tale from the original.

3. Ah, yes. First impressions.
It can still be broken though if you know what you're doing and if there are those around you who can back it up to the contrary.

4. It depends.
It's like asking yourself if you should waste your energy over some stranger's flight, joy or slight that had nothing to do with you.
It's also like asking yourself if you want to give away your power to someone you don't even want in your life.

5. A matured person knew that one can never please everyone and appease everything. :lol:
To say 'don't let others judge you' is more of a matter of emotional regulation to make it, or a psych play to play tug or war in your head with -- see #4.


How I wish I can wield words well enough, to put everything I've learned and sensed into words anyone can read.

Overall, the observations' good. Just keep it up. :lol: There are more long way still.


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18 Aug 2020, 7:09 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Petty minds discuss other people.

Something like that :lol:


Well put! I'm somewhere in between an average-mind and a well..........great mind - yet I'm sometimes receptive to discussing other thoughtful like-minded people with.............like-minded people!