Being different didn’t pay off socially

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Marknis
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15 Apr 2021, 12:32 am

I used to hope that being different than those around me would pay off in terms of socialization but it never did. Most people around me generally held right wing views, were homophobic, generally didn’t like rock music, supported the war in Iraq, and thought the US was a Christian nation or was slipping away from that and it needed to go back to being one. Because I was the opposite of those things, I was ostracized and considered “weird” by those people. Some even told me I was “brainwashed” or even “backwards” for not hating LGBT people as well as favoring separation of church and state. My older brother was particularly bad at shooting down my thoughts.



AquaineBay
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15 Apr 2021, 2:39 pm

That's because just being "different" in it of itself doesn't really do anything. What you do with that "difference" and how you feel about it is what makes being different pay off and also finding the right audience. Sometimes you may have to bite the bullet and sorta "fake" being mainstream and gradually show your difference as time goes on.

There is also respect and self-worth. I'm different from the many people I grew up with but I think I'm still worth something even if I'm not into mainstream things but I also respect those that are into mainstream things and the beliefs they have as well. I have even incorporated some of the mainstream things myself and found out that "hey, this isn't so bad!"

My point is that it takes more than being "different" for it to payoff. My question to you would be: what makes you different and how do you present that to others? Also what were you expecting to gain out of this difference? Many times in the threads where you mention you are different you mention the stuff other people do but don't mention anything that you do or how you expressed this difference when speaking to other people.



Marknis
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15 Apr 2021, 4:00 pm

AquaineBay wrote:

My point is that it takes more than being "different" for it to payoff. My question to you would be: what makes you different and how do you present that to others? Also what were you expecting to gain out of this difference? Many times in the threads where you mention you are different you mention the stuff other people do but don't mention anything that you do or how you expressed this difference when speaking to other people.


I would mention liking rock music and the responses were generally “That stuff is noise!”, “You need to stop listening to that! It’s Satanic!”, “Are you goth? You are a freak!”, “Are you a skater? You suck!”, and other nonsense. But them listening to mainstream rap that was usually about killing cops and “banging hoes” was considered ok. One guy even asked me why I liked songs that were “stupid” simply because of the musical content and another guy mocked the lyrics to a Tool song for saying “point that finger up your ass” despite how he liked rap songs that were 100% about “ass, tits, p****, etc.” :roll:

There was a time it was ok to like metalcore music. I liked Shadows Fall, Killswitch Engage, Lamb of God, God Forbid, and Unearth but it didn’t change the fact I was still sitting alone in my room despite how I tried to make friends with those who liked the same music. In some circles today, it’s ok to like “Fort Hood Metal” like Godsmack, Disturbed, Slipknot, Mudvayne, Sevendust, and Five Finger Death Punch. I was a fan of them all except for the last one and it didn’t change my social standing. I can’t listen to any of those bands today because I lost interest in them and my frustration didn’t help that.

I mentioned liking science fiction and would get mocked for it, even by other readers. I can’t get into the authors that are generally checked out at the library I work at which are James Patterson, Janet Evanovich, Lee Child, and Danielle Steel. I’ve read and enjoyed some Stephen King novels but he isn’t as popular as he used to be and even the people I know who like him have become bored with his output lately.

My stepfather still thinks video games are responsible for mass shootings and will vehemently oppose gun regulation but especially gun control. My mother still sometimes freaks out about video games even though I’ve never felt a compulsion to get a firearm and shoot someone. The “bro gamers” told me to stop playing Final Fantasy because it was “gay” and to play Hitman instead. I played Hitman 2: Silent Assassin briefly but found it more frustrating than enjoyable. I didn’t understand how to articulate my feelings but a part of me realized I didn’t like video games that reflect the real world and preferred games that take me out of it instead.

I knew guys who loved death metal, played in bands, mocked “Dubya”, watched gory movies, and played violent video games and they had scores of friends and girlfriends. But when I expressed what I liked, I got mocked at best and had people trying to exorcise or kill me at worst.



Marknis
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15 Apr 2021, 8:39 pm

I am a fan of this sort of rock music and I still get the “Satanic” tag:



I like Disgaea and yet could still be suspected of wanting to go on a shooting spree:



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15 Apr 2021, 9:41 pm

'Pay off'?

Should you have a goal, if paying off is one of them, then focus there.
Even to a point of deepening yourself into self disastrous mental health issues because your goal is to 'pay off'.

But for your sake, please don't. It's not worth the gamble.


Unless you know what you're doing (prerequisites of knowing your local culture, certain levels of social skills, levels of self awareness, etc...)
Or that you know how lucky you are (how easily or evenly matched your environment along with your personal effects for one)...

Then being different does not pay off.

Based on what I observed, you're not in the right place to pull it off;
Evidently, you hate your place so much and your preferences are taboo-like to your place.

You're also not yet skilled enough to pull it off -- to get away with local taboos and the like requires a lot of skills.
Skills that regular social classes do not ever teach.


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Mona Pereth
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16 Apr 2021, 10:01 pm

Marknis wrote:
I used to hope that being different than those around me would pay off in terms of socialization but it never did. Most people around me generally held right wing views, were homophobic, generally didn’t like rock music, supported the war in Iraq, and thought the US was a Christian nation or was slipping away from that and it needed to go back to being one. Because I was the opposite of those things, I was ostracized and considered “weird” by those people. Some even told me I was “brainwashed” or even “backwards” for not hating LGBT people as well as favoring separation of church and state. My older brother was particularly bad at shooting down my thoughts.

I really hope you can find a way to earn more money so you can move out of there to some place where there are more open-minded people.


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Marknis
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18 Apr 2021, 1:14 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I used to hope that being different than those around me would pay off in terms of socialization but it never did. Most people around me generally held right wing views, were homophobic, generally didn’t like rock music, supported the war in Iraq, and thought the US was a Christian nation or was slipping away from that and it needed to go back to being one. Because I was the opposite of those things, I was ostracized and considered “weird” by those people. Some even told me I was “brainwashed” or even “backwards” for not hating LGBT people as well as favoring separation of church and state. My older brother was particularly bad at shooting down my thoughts.

I really hope you can find a way to earn more money so you can move out of there to some place where there are more open-minded people.


I remember my older brother telling me that you had to go to college before you got a job. I ran with that mindset until my mother started making me get job training and volunteering at the library before I even finished high school. I learned the hard way that jobs can happen before college and that life doesn’t stop for you to figure out what you want to do with it.



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18 Apr 2021, 1:43 am

Marknis wrote:
I remember my older brother telling me that you had to go to college before you got a job. I ran with that mindset until my mother started making me get job training and volunteering at the library before I even finished high school. I learned the hard way that jobs can happen before college and that life doesn’t stop for you to figure out what you want to do with it.

True, but you're not making nearly enough money to move out of your parents' house and move to someplace more civilized. So, you need to figure out what else you can do that would make more money, and how you could get into it.


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Marknis
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18 Apr 2021, 3:28 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I remember my older brother telling me that you had to go to college before you got a job. I ran with that mindset until my mother started making me get job training and volunteering at the library before I even finished high school. I learned the hard way that jobs can happen before college and that life doesn’t stop for you to figure out what you want to do with it.

True, but you're not making nearly enough money to move out of your parents' house and move to someplace more civilized. So, you need to figure out what else you can do that would make more money, and how you could get into it.


I wonder how people can make decisions like that and stick with them. Whenever I’ve tried to make decisions on certain things, such as taking a college course required for an Associate’s Degree, I would get frustrated on how long they would take to finish and lose enthusiasm. It especially didn’t help that I saw others still getting to socialize and have girlfriends while I just slogged away. Even the credits didn’t feel rewarding.



kraftiekortie
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18 Apr 2021, 3:43 pm

Studying is not for the purpose of socializing or getting girlfriends.

When I went to college, I didn’t socialize too much with other students outside school.

It’s always best to keep the study of your course material as your emphasis.



Marknis
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18 Apr 2021, 5:30 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Studying is not for the purpose of socializing or getting girlfriends.

When I went to college, I didn’t socialize too much with other students outside school.

It’s always best to keep the study of your course material as your emphasis.


I suppose I got the impression college was for socializing because I saw movies like Back to School, Animal House, and Revenge of the Nerds as well as maybe others that I can’t think of right now in my developmental years. My older brother and his friends also partied as soon as they got to A&M but it did cost them getting busted by the police and had to get bailed out of jail.



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18 Apr 2021, 7:02 pm

Marknis wrote:
I wonder how people can make decisions like that and stick with them. Whenever I’ve tried to make decisions on certain things, such as taking a college course required for an Associate’s Degree, I would get frustrated on how long they would take to finish and lose enthusiasm. It especially didn’t help that I saw others still getting to socialize and have girlfriends while I just slogged away. Even the credits didn’t feel rewarding.

Keeping oneself motivated can indeed be a big problem for a lot of us.

But the first thing you need to do is to come up with at least a tentative set of goals and a reasonable plan for achieving them. THEN, let's brainstorm how to keep yourself motivated.

What are your thoughts about possible career goals?


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18 Apr 2021, 7:17 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
'Pay off'?

Should you have a goal, if paying off is one of them, then focus there.
Even to a point of deepening yourself into self disastrous mental health issues because your goal is to 'pay off'.

But for your sake, please don't. It's not worth the gamble.


Unless you know what you're doing (prerequisites of knowing your local culture, certain levels of social skills, levels of self awareness, etc...)
Or that you know how lucky you are (how easily or evenly matched your environment along with your personal effects for one)...

Then being different does not pay off.

Based on what I observed, you're not in the right place to pull it off;
Evidently, you hate your place so much and your preferences are taboo-like to your place.

You're also not yet skilled enough to pull it off -- to get away with local taboos and the like requires a lot of skills.
Skills that regular social classes do not ever teach.


There is no real social currency, societies keep trying to impose such things on us but none of that is real. You might get something out of employing the 'casual effect', just playing off your differences as completely normal regardless of how alien you feel. That's how I've gotten by as a long haired weirdo in big companies & tech work generally for quite some time.


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18 Apr 2021, 7:18 pm

I mean I totally identify with this, but I try not to take a materialistic view of my social status. I don't want to be a posessive person & even if it creates friction with people I want to be close to, I'll still put a word in for more equality.


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19 Apr 2021, 6:54 am

cberg wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
'Pay off'?

Should you have a goal, if paying off is one of them, then focus there.
Even to a point of deepening yourself into self disastrous mental health issues because your goal is to 'pay off'.

But for your sake, please don't. It's not worth the gamble.


Unless you know what you're doing (prerequisites of knowing your local culture, certain levels of social skills, levels of self awareness, etc...)
Or that you know how lucky you are (how easily or evenly matched your environment along with your personal effects for one)...

Then being different does not pay off.

Based on what I observed, you're not in the right place to pull it off;
Evidently, you hate your place so much and your preferences are taboo-like to your place.

You're also not yet skilled enough to pull it off -- to get away with local taboos and the like requires a lot of skills.
Skills that regular social classes do not ever teach.


There is no real social currency, societies keep trying to impose such things on us but none of that is real. You might get something out of employing the 'casual effect', just playing off your differences as completely normal regardless of how alien you feel. That's how I've gotten by as a long haired weirdo in big companies & tech work generally for quite some time.

I'm very aware that none of it is real. :twisted:
And there is no such thing as 'social currencies' -- unless one treats contacts and connections as such.

Where in reality everything is optional.
Yet one's mind says otherwise -- by being imposed to.


Personally, social statuses are but a side effects to me. Social relations are but consequences of interactions.
And never a goal or something I have to attain.


But that's not what the OP wants. :lol: Nor what he thinks or perceives to be.

Good luck convincing or educating him about the ideas of happiness, success or whatever 'pays off' meant.


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Marknis
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19 Apr 2021, 7:32 pm

I feel like I am being talked down upon. Please do not do that. I just got more of my hopes dashed today.