You don't need to make much effort when making friends

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cyberdad
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16 Jan 2022, 2:39 am

ThisTimelessMoment wrote:
I think we come across as likeable when we are comfortable with ourselves and so accept others as they are. Then even if I don't fit in some social situation, it doesn't matter, because I'm ok with myself.


^^ Best of comment of 2022!!



Redd_Kross
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16 Jan 2022, 2:48 am

DuckHairback wrote:
This isn't going to be helpful, but I think there's something else going on when we talk about making friends and socialising as ASD people.

We can learn all the right things to say but so much of communication is non-verbal and intuitive and that's where we tend to struggle.

It's like, you know how everything online is 2-step Authentication now? You can't get into your bank with just a password, it has to be verified by a matching fingerprint or code generator. Humans are like this, I think. Just saying the right things at the right time isn't enough. It has to be matched by non-verbal cues or the recipient just goes "No, something isn't right here" and rejects it.

So, I don't think it matters if you're polite or rude, interested or aloof or whatever, if you're not sending all the right signals to go along with the message.

And the tough bit is that I'm not sure the non-verbal stuff can be learned.


This is very well written, and spot on.

To a certain extent we can deliberately work at the things NTs do subconsciously, but it requires huge amounts of concentration and thought, and it's exhausting.



cyberdad
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16 Jan 2022, 2:55 am

Redd_Kross wrote:
DuckHairback wrote:
This isn't going to be helpful, but I think there's something else going on when we talk about making friends and socialising as ASD people.

We can learn all the right things to say but so much of communication is non-verbal and intuitive and that's where we tend to struggle.

It's like, you know how everything online is 2-step Authentication now? You can't get into your bank with just a password, it has to be verified by a matching fingerprint or code generator. Humans are like this, I think. Just saying the right things at the right time isn't enough. It has to be matched by non-verbal cues or the recipient just goes "No, something isn't right here" and rejects it.

So, I don't think it matters if you're polite or rude, interested or aloof or whatever, if you're not sending all the right signals to go along with the message.

And the tough bit is that I'm not sure the non-verbal stuff can be learned.


This is very well written, and spot on.

To a certain extent we can deliberately work at the things NTs do subconsciously, but it requires huge amounts of concentration and thought, and it's exhausting.


Damn mirror neurons again...