I dislike socialization but I crave it so badly

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spicyjelly
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26 Jul 2022, 1:21 am

klanka wrote:
I don't like group social situations at all.
When I had one-on-one time with a woman I liked , as in just talking, it was great.


I also prefer small social situations. Two other people is my maximum before I really start getting anxious.


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Joe90
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26 Jul 2022, 10:54 am

I have the same predicament. I hate the idea of doing things like clubbing, but at the same time I get envious or upset if everybody else goes out clubbing and I'm the only one who has never been. I think the answer is that if I knew more people around me, especially in my family, that hate clubbing and have never been then I'll probably feel more comfort in not going clubbing.

Societal/peer pressure can be a very strong thing.


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KitLily
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26 Jul 2022, 11:00 am

I realised a big thing about NTs recently and why they don't like 1:1 time with someone.

They think we are trying to 'get them away from their friends' so we can say nasty things about them behind their backs.

I realised a lot of people do this: they isolate one person from their friendship group to turn them against their friends. I realised this because I read a lot about narcissism and apparently that is how narcissists operate. So people assume the worst when someone tries to 'get them alone.'

This was a big shock to me. All I want to do with a 1:1 time is have a decent conversation where I can keep up with what is being said and not feel shy and awkward!


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klanka
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26 Jul 2022, 11:05 am

spicyjelly wrote:
klanka wrote:
I don't like group social situations at all.
When I had one-on-one time with a woman I liked , as in just talking, it was great.


I also prefer small social situations. Two other people is my maximum before I really start getting anxious.

Yeah it's good, I remember spending time with two friends and that was ok too



Ethan Rob
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09 Oct 2022, 8:37 pm

For people with social phobia, this is a more painful thing. On the surface, others will think that you are indifferent, but your heart is very enthusiastic, you just don’t know how to express this emotion.



AnomalousAspergian
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12 Oct 2022, 12:50 pm

I can definitely relate to this. It can go from being very lonely and feeling a deep need to socialise, only to be disappointed when it does happen due to it being unfulfilling and disappointing. I think that I could have idealistic expectations in regards to talking to new people and so on. Some might say that this is part of the problem and I am setting the bar too high. However, even if that is true, I also simultaneously have some very low expections of socialising with people. I imagine that some might say that this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for myself. I don't agree with either of those imaged responses someone would probably say about my social expectations. Needless to say, however, if they are true, I cannot win either way. I am more than willing to compromise with others, providing their minds are not completely melted in the soupy zeitgeist of popular culture.

I think for autistics if someone shares your interests you will get along with them more. However, it is not even easy to socialise with other autistics because they have interests different from yourself and may not have a flexibility of mind to accomodate another person who has different interests or views. But we do live in a more divided society than ever. This is part of the wider problem, methinks.



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12 Oct 2022, 1:05 pm

Ice Cream hurts my belly, but I want to eat it.


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10 Nov 2022, 7:33 pm

Personally, I'm pretty much able to handle such a dilemmea; that is I have mixed feelings, and are cynical of socialization, yet very little in the way of craving socialization.



eurypidese
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07 Dec 2022, 3:34 pm

spicyjelly wrote:
I also feel inadequate. I'm not good at talking. I either stay stone-faced or I never shut up. I feel so off-putting to others, especially after the interaction. I overanalyze every single thing I said during aforementioned interaction. (Yes, I am dx'd with anxiety!) It's an overall tiring, unsatisfying event that triggers a "self roast session," if you will.

Then, (yes folks, there's more!) I will distance myself from the people I hung out with because I'm convinced that they hate me. Which just adds to the whole "want more but hate social interaction" cycle that I'm talking about!


Hi, you just described me exactly! 8) I crave connection and social interaction but after it happens, I agonize over how i acted to the point where it's physically painful. It's natural to feel avoidant to things that feel painful, but my need for social connection feels just as strong so the two feelings are constantly duking it out for dominance. :wall:

What I'm starting to learn is that reflex of self-criticism, fear and worry after socializing are products of my early life where I actually was rejected for being myself, and oftentimes it felt painful, embarrassing, and lonely. Before my brain understood what was happening, it was developing coping strategies to prevent myself from experiencing that painful, awful feeling of rejection again. Sometimes kids can be cruel, and as recipients of that cruelty we don't yet have the language to express hurt, explain ourselves, or demand that we be treated fairly. So the most likely thing we tend to do is to placate the people rejecting you by doing whatever they want--obviously this isn't good for us long term! But its what our brains learned to do early on to protect us.

Another thing I've learned recently due to struggling with anxiety is the concept of "catastrophizing" and since learning about that, I've started to notice patterns in how my brain wants to jump to the worst conclusions, and be the most negative about myself: Obviously they hate me, obviously I was acting weird, who would want to hear me talk, I'm so annoying etc.

Understanding it as a learned thought process helps me to stop in the moment and go "the stuff I'm thinking right now sounds like catastrophizing. maybe I was annoying, maybe I wasn't. there's no way to know for sure unless I ask the other person, and until I have definitive proof that someone is upset or annoyed with me, I'm going to choose to think neutrally/positively about the situation and not let it bother me so much."

With practice I think you can quiet those overly negative thoughts down! Don't feel bad, because there was a reason you developed those thought patterns, but right now they don't seem to be helping you as much as hurting your need to connect with other people. Be gentle with yourself and remember that if you think people are bothered with you, unless they tell you so directly they are just that - thoughts! Not reality. :heart:



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20 Dec 2022, 6:12 pm

Do we reasses our concerns on socializtion, and even feel motivated to "break the ice" with familliar, trusted people over the holiday season?



KitLily
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23 Dec 2022, 8:04 am

JustFoundHere wrote:
Do we reasses our concerns on socializtion, and even feel motivated to "break the ice" with familliar, trusted people over the holiday season?


There's an easy answer for me! I only have my husband and daughter so I don't have to worry :lol:


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JustFoundHere
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23 Dec 2022, 5:26 pm

This discussion thread "hits the nail right on the head" regarding how both people on the Autism Spectrum, and thoughtful NTs (NTs with a minumum understanding of the Autism Spectrum) treat the dynamics of socialization.



billyho20
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24 Dec 2022, 7:38 am

I appreciate this post because this is the #1 thing I struggle with the most in being on the spectrum. I crave connection and social interaction but it seems I can't tolerate it due to my anxiety. I have found though, in certain controlled situations, I am able to do so. Whenever there is structure involved or things to do, like games or events to watch, I am better off since there is a reprieve from the social interaction. I think it takes time to figure out what works for someone when dealing with people and social interactions.



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24 Dec 2022, 8:25 am

KitLily wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Relatable, no solutions though.


I think basically humans have become cyborgs. We interact more with our devices than with other humans. The devices are more interesting, so we have lost interest in other humans and don't make friends anymore.


While I think that's a good observation, I wonder what most people are doing when they're playing on their phones. Sure, they could be playing a game, or browsing an e-commerce site. But more often than not, they're SOCIALIZING. Whether it be texting, video chatting, uploading things to social media, people are glued to these new devices mainly with the intent of being social.



KitLily
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24 Dec 2022, 9:43 am

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
While I think that's a good observation, I wonder what most people are doing when they're playing on their phones. Sure, they could be playing a game, or browsing an e-commerce site. But more often than not, they're SOCIALIZING. Whether it be texting, video chatting, uploading things to social media, people are glued to these new devices mainly with the intent of being social.


It is really not the same though- texting, posting on social media etc. It's not the same as chatting face to face with someone and seeing their facial expressions, body language, hearing their tone of voice. Hugging or kissing someone. Travelling to meet someone in person. Having an actual conversation taking turns to speak instead of monologuing on social media in a kind of lecture.

Especially as people on their phones are generally ignoring their friends and companions who are standing right next to them. It's fake socialising.

Conversation skills are declining in real life, it's hard to have a genuine conversation now with people taking turns. Conversations are generally monologues now days.


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JustFoundHere
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24 Dec 2022, 4:47 pm

From personal experiences, it's common with High Functioning Autism' (HFA) to experience difficulties in "getting out of one's own way!"