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Joe90
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08 Aug 2022, 3:54 pm

Whenever I ask why I'm not included in social activities the response is usually "because you don't drink", even if a social activity of their's didn't involve drinking. I feel insulted by this because why should I be ostracized just because I don't intend on intoxicating myself with poison?

Whether I drink or not I'd still like to be asked sometimes whenever friends/colleagues are planning a social event, even just out of politeness, just so I can then have the choice whether to say yes or no.

It's a bit like excluding someone from a buffet just because they're on a diet or something.


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09 Aug 2022, 6:48 am

Joe90 wrote:
Whenever I ask why I'm not included in social activities the response is usually "because you don't drink", even if a social activity of their's didn't involve drinking. I feel insulted by this because why should I be ostracized just because I don't intend on intoxicating myself with poison?

Whether I drink or not I'd still like to be asked sometimes whenever friends/colleagues are planning a social event, even just out of politeness, just so I can then have the choice whether to say yes or no.

It's a bit like excluding someone from a buffet just because they're on a diet or something.


Oh gosh I feel your pain there! I don't drink and that is apparently a great sin and means I can't ever go anywhere or do anything. :roll:

It is always polite to ask people to events, even if you're not 100% sure they'd like it. Well it always used to be the case, anyway. Manners are going out the window these days.


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KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 6:50 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
they constantly made plans in front of me or talked about their plans but never invited me. I event attempted to call them out on it and they blamed me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." I was very angry about it too.


This is unbelievably rude. It has happened to me, and it seems to everyone else on this thread. Where are people's manners these days? I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone.


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Joe90
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09 Aug 2022, 7:38 am

Well it would be rude if it was an Aspie making plans in front of someone who they don't invite, so yes it is rude if anyone does the same.

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Oh gosh I feel your pain there! I don't drink and that is apparently a great sin and means I can't ever go anywhere or do anything. :roll:


I agree. When you're not religious (a religion that doesn't support getting drunk) then it's a sin not to get drunk, at least in the UK anyway. It shouldn't really be like that, and those of us who don't abuse our bodies should not feel alienated because of it.

I like you KitLily because you always understand things from our view instead of justifying the behaviour of NTs all the time.

I've actually been invited to a party this weekend, and I feel so happy. It means a lot to me and I do enjoy socialising.

I think when an Aspie values friendship and social involvement it's very easy for them to feel depressed when they feel rejected or excluded. There's a hidden social rule about inviting yourself, and it usually should be up to the people making plans to invite you. But hinting that you'd like to be included is OK, but not just going "oh, I hear you're having a party, can I come?"


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KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 8:32 am

Joe90 wrote:
Well it would be rude if it was an Aspie making plans in front of someone who they don't invite, so yes it is rude if anyone does the same.


I don't understand that bit, sorry. Did someone say Aspies make plans in front of others? I'm a bit confused.

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Oh gosh I feel your pain there! I don't drink and that is apparently a great sin and means I can't ever go anywhere or do anything. :roll:


Joe90 wrote:
I agree. When you're not religious (a religion that doesn't support getting drunk) then it's a sin not to get drunk, at least in the UK anyway. It shouldn't really be like that, and those of us who don't abuse our bodies should not feel alienated because of it.

I like you KitLily because you always understand things from our view instead of justifying the behaviour of NTs all the time.

I've actually been invited to a party this weekend, and I feel so happy. It means a lot to me and I do enjoy socialising.

I think when an Aspie values friendship and social involvement it's very easy for them to feel depressed when they feel rejected or excluded. There's a hidden social rule about inviting yourself, and it usually should be up to the people making plans to invite you. But hinting that you'd like to be included is OK, but not just going "oh, I hear you're having a party, can I come?"


Yes it is weird that it's more or less obligatory to get hideously drunk in Britain. I think it's because we're not allowed to show or talk about our feelings in Britain, so we have to get very drunk to make it okay to show or talk about feelings. That is very fkd up isn't it. We are a fkd up country.

Thanks! I like to take the point of view of the people who are asking about a problem, rather than leaping to defend the people causing the problem. I hate that when people leap to the defence of people causing me problems who often aren't even there. Whereas I'm right here and they are taking sides against me. (did I write that clearly enough, I got a bit tangled up)

Have fun at the party! I was invited to a party last weekend but I didn't go because it was my husband's colleague's party and I wouldn't know anyone.

I don't really know how to hint, so I'd probably say 'that sounds like fun, can anyone come along?' I dunno.


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Joe90
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09 Aug 2022, 9:24 am

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I don't understand that bit, sorry. Did someone say Aspies make plans in front of others? I'm a bit confused.


Well it's sometimes implied by some members here, like say if an Aspie here said that they made plans in front of a friend but didn't invite the friend, the responses here would be "that is rude of you" or something. But I can see members defending the party-planning person if the boot was on the other foot.

It's usually a case of it's OK if an NT does it but when an Aspie does it it's lacking empathy.

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I don't really know how to hint, so I'd probably say 'that sounds like fun, can anyone come along?' I dunno.

Say if your friends are planning on going to a theme park a good hint to be invited would be to say that you love theme parks or something.
If friends are decent friends then they would automatically say "why don't you come along?" - unless there's a reason not to, like if it's a family event only or if there's only limited transport with limited spaces (like a standard car can only fit 5 people). I don't expect people to bend over backwards for me all the time but when it's the sort of event that is easy to organise with all your friends and easy to get to, etc, then making plans in front of you without inviting you is heartbreaking.


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09 Aug 2022, 9:33 am

I'm a bit out of touch because my friends are all in the church they don't drink much. We meet together and do activities.



KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 11:50 am

Joe90 wrote:
Quote:

I don't understand that bit, sorry. Did someone say Aspies make plans in front of others? I'm a bit confused.


Well it's sometimes implied by some members here, like say if an Aspie here said that they made plans in front of a friend but didn't invite the friend, the responses here would be "that is rude of you" or something. But I can see members defending the party-planning person if the boot was on the other foot.

It's usually a case of it's OK if an NT does it but when an Aspie does it it's lacking empathy.


Oh I see! No I didn't mean that.

Joe90 wrote:
Quote:
I don't really know how to hint, so I'd probably say 'that sounds like fun, can anyone come along?' I dunno.

Say if your friends are planning on going to a theme park a good hint to be invited would be to say that you love theme parks or something.
If friends are decent friends then they would automatically say "why don't you come along?" - unless there's a reason not to, like if it's a family event only or if there's only limited transport with limited spaces (like a standard car can only fit 5 people). I don't expect people to bend over backwards for me all the time but when it's the sort of event that is easy to organise with all your friends and easy to get to, etc, then making plans in front of you without inviting you is heartbreaking.


Thanks! I'll do that :heart:


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Joe90
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09 Aug 2022, 2:26 pm

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Oh I see! No I didn't mean that


I know you didn't, I was just explaining the good points you made. :)


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KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 4:22 pm

Joe90 wrote:
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Oh I see! No I didn't mean that


I know you didn't, I was just explaining the good points you made. :)


Thanks. I get confused so I'm glad when people give me a clear explanation and answer. I'm sure you know how I feelt! NTs just answer my questions with another question don't they :roll:


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10 Aug 2022, 12:05 pm

KitLily wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
they constantly made plans in front of me or talked about their plans but never invited me. I event attempted to call them out on it and they blamed me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." I was very angry about it too.


This is unbelievably rude. It has happened to me, and it seems to everyone else on this thread. Where are people's manners these days? I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone.


When I expressed my concern to the leadership in that congregation, they told me that I needed to work on my social skills and basically start masking because I didn't fit into their perfect mold.

However, I noticed some people talking about nuances when they asked why they were not invited. Here they are

1. Someone on here said that they were excluded because they were told they don't drink - That excuse usually means - "We don't have anything in common so I don't think you would enjoy yourself."

2. When someone leaves you out and says they could not invite x amount guests, want x amount of guests means they have people who are of higher priorities to them.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 10 Aug 2022, 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Jakki
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10 Aug 2022, 12:31 pm

got invited first timee in my life to a house warming party ..... drove up ...but could not go in ?
had used up all my spoons that just trying to get ready for that party ... had gift & everything .
Called the friend whose party it was told her machine , what happened . She called next day and said she understood . But she had lots of people there anyway.


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10 Aug 2022, 12:44 pm

Jakki wrote:
got invited first timee in my life to a house warming party ..... drove up ...but could not go in ?
had used up all my spoons that just trying to get ready for that party ... had gift & everything .
Called the friend whose party it was told her machine , what happened . She called next day and said she understood . But she had lots of people there anyway.



I am really proud of you for trying as it sounds like they are interested in you. There will be other times for you to get together with them.



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10 Aug 2022, 12:59 pm

^^^ Thank you ^^^^ :D


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KitLily
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10 Aug 2022, 1:11 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
When I expressed my concern to the leadership in that congregation, they told me that I needed to work on my social skills and basically start masking because I didn't fit into their perfect mold.

However, I noticed some people talking about nuances when they asked why they were not invited. Here they are

1. Someone on here said that they were excluded because they were told they don't drink - That excuse usually means - "We don't have anything in common so I don't think you would enjoy yourself."

2. When someone leaves you out and says they could not invite x amount guests, want x amount of guests means they have people who are of higher priorities to them.


Gosh we all have to be perfect these days don't we... :roll:

Yes, I agree with your assessment. I think that's the same for me. I haven't anything in common with people round here. I need to find some bookish introverts who hate loud music etc...


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KitLily
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10 Aug 2022, 1:12 pm

Jakki wrote:
got invited first timee in my life to a house warming party ..... drove up ...but could not go in ?
had used up all my spoons that just trying to get ready for that party ... had gift & everything .
Called the friend whose party it was told her machine , what happened . She called next day and said she understood . But she had lots of people there anyway.


That is really good. They must like you a lot.

I have barely any spoons for being at home so I think that affects my social appeal... :?


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