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alexptrans
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03 Jun 2011, 1:46 am

When I was still living with my parents, it was very difficult for me to hear them fight, which happened every once in a while. I'd just go to my room, close the door, put my headphones on and try to pretend nothing was going on. Sometimes I'd even go out of the house and come back a few hours later. By fighting I mean things like shouting, not physical violence, which I guess would have been worse.



Verdandi
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03 Jun 2011, 2:10 am

Fights always make me want to retreat into some deep cave until they're over.

The emotion and noise are difficult for me.



Seph
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03 Jun 2011, 2:13 am

Me too. And I tend to take things personally, as if the comments are directed at me.


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Verdandi
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03 Jun 2011, 2:22 am

Seriously. Anger feels sharp and stabby.



pree10shun
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03 Jun 2011, 2:22 am

No I can't.. I was told a lot of times I tend to get scared even though I am not involved in it. Just watching it makes me feel like running away.

My parents used fight all the time too. My dad loses his temper too fast over my my moms sometimes childish absurd asperger's behavior. I used to run away until they calmed down and returned later trying to make my dad feel guilty for losing his temper with mom eventhough she did not intentionally do it... Its a wonder though that my parents are still married!



Last edited by pree10shun on 03 Jun 2011, 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OJani
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03 Jun 2011, 3:07 am

My father and mother had many fights after I turned 10, but they remained somewhat civilized in their manners. I didn't like what they did at all, I was sad and upset, I wanted to do something to help their situation and calm them down. I was afraid to say anything, I stayed in my room. Later, in my teens, I stood up and spoke out in order to end the ongoing quarrel, sometimes I shouted a few words at them passionately, and retreated.


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ScientistOfSound
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03 Jun 2011, 4:16 am

I just hide.



ToughDiamond
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03 Jun 2011, 4:26 am

My parents fighting when I was a child really cut me up. It might not have been so bad if they'd made up afterwards, but it would usually end in one of them leaving, and threatening suicide wasn't unknown either. They never did split up, they always got back together again after a day or two. It seemed that they couldn't challenge each other or give each other any kind of criticism without starting World War 3, and that gave me a deep-rooted feeling that any kind of conflict in a relationship was the beginning of the end, as well as whatever insecurity I got from living under the constant threat of my parents separating.

My solution was to cut them dead emotionally when I got into my teens - I just couldn't stand living with my heart in my mouth any more. I never really got it back.....maybe slightly with Mum, but there was always this weird distance between me and Dad, which is odd, because Mum was more to blame for the fights, if you can really blame anybody.

In adulthood I was at first averse to any aggression at all.....that's probably why I was so attracted to the hippies and anarchists I met. I was quite embarrassed to discover that I had quite a warlike side to my personality - I suppose I was taking after my parents. But later I began to see that anger and aggression are an inevitable part of human experience that has to be reckoned with. I found myself actually stepping into situations where somebody had lost their temper and everybody else was backing off......I began listening to them through their anger and yelling - I empathised with them because by then I knew very well how I could lose my temper and get nothing but flak for it, and I'd always felt so misjudged - it's not always the one who goes ape who is the guilty party, sometimes the superficially civil party is the real cuplrit.

I still provide that "service"........last year I managed to pour oil on troubled waters in the music club I'm in.......I threw myself into the fray and proactively intervened. I couldn't get them to reconcile, and one of them had to leave, but hopefully I helped them to temper the worst excesses of their feud. I was quite scared most of the time, half expecting their anger to deflect onto me, but it never did, and both parties seemed grateful to have had somebody around who was willing to listen to them. One of them said so, and the other is now a very good personal friend of mine. So I got all that from it, and also the feeling that I'm doing something very different to what I did when I was a child, watching helplessly as the people I loved tore each other apart. Sometimes a screwed up childhood can lead the adult to do a bit good, it doesn't all have to be bad news.

Anyway, I''m not crowing. I've never yet had a close relationship with a partner who could handle my anger. I still seem afraid to express it to them, convinced that it'll destroy us like it destroyed my parents, and after a temper burst I just feel depressed, frightened and guilty. And the women I pick always seem scared stiff of male anger, so they haven't been helpful in that respect. When I have a big argument with a partner and we get through it and do good rather than harm to the relationship, I'll put the flag out, because that will be a partner I can really work it out with.



Mindslave
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03 Jun 2011, 7:44 am

I used to not be able to handle it, but over the years I either grew tougher or grew colder. As of now, it doesn't bother me, because I just don't care. It's not my problem, and when people make it my problem, I just tell them to get bent and see what happens from there.



jrjones9933
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03 Jun 2011, 8:13 am

I don't like fights or irrational arguments, but I don't want to lock myself into any rigid pattern of dealing with them. Talking therapy alone hasn't worked nearly as well as breathwork or a combination of the two, in helping me gain calm and flexibility in dealing with these types of situations as unique events.


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kittie
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03 Jun 2011, 8:35 am

Oh god, I hate conflict so much. When my parents were together, all they did was fight - I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so shy.



Markmagnum
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03 Jun 2011, 9:05 am

If I had a nickle for everytime my parents fought... I would have a big nickle collection. It seems that ever since I was little my parents were fighting, I can't remember a time when my parents weren't fighting, that's how long its been. I assume that my parents had a better relationship when I was a baby, I hope they did. It always happens, it seems that any little thing can lead to conflict. I responded by ignoring them and shutting them out when they argue. I got so good at shutting them out that that's how I respond to most verbal fights, just ignore them.

I'm worried about starting a relationship with a woman, because I know that I really don't have any positive relationships in my life, and they say that people that have parents that have a dysfunctional marriage are more likely to have dysfunctional and abusive relationships.