Essential Love & Dating Advice (By and For WP Members)

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HopeGrows
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13 Sep 2011, 10:54 pm

This thread contains advice on a variety of subjects offered my WP members. These entries have been nominated and approved by members of the WP community.

Edit by spongy: I believe that we agreed this should be a closed topic and any adition to the list should be done by a mod to avoid overflowing this thread with posts that are only considered helpfull a couple of members.

Previous stickies:

Nice guys and love whats your take on the issue
Do you miss someone right now?
Datasage´s Alpha Male guide to meeting women
Talk about yourself for a bit
Its not really an NT or Aspie thing


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HopeGrows
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13 Sep 2011, 10:56 pm

Navigating Relationships with Aspies/People on the Spectrum


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HopeGrows
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13 Sep 2011, 10:57 pm

Identifying Abusive Relationships


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HopeGrows
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13 Sep 2011, 10:58 pm

What Did He/She Mean by That?


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spongy
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08 Nov 2011, 6:13 am

Advice on starting a relationship:
What you shouldnt do(by auntblabby)
Hopefully someone will come up with a what you should do thats largely accepted soon


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Moog
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01 Feb 2012, 10:40 pm

In the interests of making this thread used and useful, I'm going to unlock it, and anyone can post a link to a thread or post they feel is useful. Yay democrazy

So post links to threads/posts you've seen in L&D that you feel would be worth preserving for all eternity or something like that.


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meelanse
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15 Feb 2012, 11:28 pm

Second Dating is also very important as you came to very little about each other. For, that you can consult with a friend .



datingman
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29 Feb 2012, 6:16 am

it just depend your nature.what you think and what your feel. thanks



AScomposer13413
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Moog
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17 Mar 2012, 5:25 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:


:thumleft:


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Aharon
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04 Apr 2012, 7:22 pm

[mod edit: this post and the next one were copied over from another thread as i think the advice is brilliant. original thread is here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt194745.html
]

I just want to say this. If you think dating is hard work, it's nothing compared to a marriage. If you think getting a woman to fall for you is hard, try spending the rest of your life trying to keep it that way. It turns to hell for both involved, I assure you.

I'm not saying don't put your best foot forward. I'm saying don't sell yourself too well. You want a woman to marry you and find out there's hidden wonders in her new life with you. You don't want to say all the right things so she falls for a man that's not the person she thinks.

If you really want a relationship that will last and grow, you need to find someone who will accept you and love you for you. After all, dating is the proving ground for a lifelong, intimate relationship; not some interview process where you bs your way into a dream job you're not qualified for.

I've noticed a trend (I did this also) where aspies think they can make someone love them. That's a hard thing to do, but it's easy compared to the discovery you don't know how to love them, and then spend the rest your lives ( yes lives, yours and hers) trying and failing to become the man she fell in love with, but you never were.


Just be
Yourself. Relax.
You can't
Force
Real chemistry. You can't make someone's mind up for them.


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Aharon
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04 Apr 2012, 8:23 pm

First off, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was there too. So remember everything I say applies to me too!

You feel so alone now, and you are, but there are worse kinds of alone then what you're feeling. Being with someone doesn't guarantee companionship and joy. You can be with someone and be 10 times more alone and miserable then you were by yourself. You can be in bed next to the love of your life, and she shrugs away from you even in her sleep, because she's that hurt.

I used to hate myself all the time. I got fixated on this idea that if I could just find someone to love me, then my whole life would change. And it did change! It got WORSE! Trust me when I say this; if you don't love yourself, there's no woman who ever lived that can change that. You have got to accept yourself and love yourself, or you'll just be a bottomless well some poor woman pours her life into, and gets nothing back for it.

Many men have walked the same path in life before I walked it. Many men have walked it since. You are walking it now. This is not like in the movies, where they find love in the end and run off into the rainbows together. This is LIFE. And it's more real, more work. and more disappointing then anyone can imagine. And you can't fool life.

Getting into a relationship doesn't solve problems. It creates problems. All the way from where do I put toothbrush now to there's some things about this person i just can't stand. And it creates people too. Little kids who grow up in their parent's shattered delusions.There's so much more at stake then one man's lonliness.

Do yourself a favor. Don't do ANYTHING you are not totally at ease with doing the rest of your life. Because the trend is the courtship ends after marriage, even in an NT/NT relationship. Don't make it where "normal" ends after marriage begins.

Just be you. And if you want to work on yourself, by all means do so. Just remember to be honest. If she doesn't pick you because of that, it's better that way, I assure you.

I wish you success!


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lapinmort
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11 Apr 2012, 5:11 pm

I think the reason why many marriages break is that too many people take too many things for granted, including one another. That and not making the difference between love and attraction. One is metaphysical, the other purely physical and chemical. I think that in general, love is fondness and interdependence between people that grows with time. Attraction is what makes you want to bone the other person. Love and attraction are not mutually exclusive, but they can certainly be kept apart from one another in human relationship. Some people are fine with a purely sexual relationship, others want it to lead to something deeper (love). The key is to be honest about your intentions from the get go. It's less drama, makes things less complicated, and there's less room for confusion. What makes it complicated is when one party lies to try to please the other and then has to keep that lie alive. That's stressful and takes a lot of mental effort to keep track of. Eventually something cracks.



mellisamouse
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26 Apr 2012, 4:34 am

Aharon wrote:
[mod edit: this post and the next one were copied over from another thread as i think the advice is brilliant. original thread is here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt194745.html
]

I just want to say this. If you think dating is hard work, it's nothing compared to a marriage. If you think getting a woman to fall for you is hard, try spending the rest of your life trying to keep it that way. It turns to hell for both involved, I assure you.

I'm not saying don't put your best foot forward. I'm saying don't sell yourself too well. You want a woman to marry you and find out there's hidden wonders in her new life with you. You don't want to say all the right things so she falls for a man that's not the person she thinks.

If you really want a relationship that will last and grow, you need to find someone who will accept you and love you for you. After all, dating is the proving ground for a lifelong, intimate relationship; not some interview process where you bs your way into a dream job you're not qualified for.

I've noticed a trend (I did this also) where aspies think they can make someone love them. That's a hard thing to do, but it's easy compared to the discovery you don't know how to love them, and then spend the rest your lives ( yes lives, yours and hers) trying and failing to become the man she fell in love with, but you never were.


Just be
Yourself. Relax.
You can't
Force
Real chemistry. You can't make someone's mind up for them.


HANDS down... BEST advice EVER.... I have spent the last year telling my now ex this, and he just kept insisiting he really WAS the person he pretended to be... he just ISN'T, to any extent, and wouldn't just let the truth be the truth, so YES, it WAS hell!



Maerlyn138
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05 May 2012, 4:55 am

mellisamouse wrote:
Aharon wrote:
[mod edit: this post and the next one were copied over from another thread as i think the advice is brilliant. original thread is here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt194745.html
]

After all, dating is the proving ground for a lifelong, intimate relationship; not some interview process where you bs your way into a dream job you're not qualified for.

Just be
Yourself. Relax.
You can't
Force
Real chemistry. You can't make someone's mind up for them.


HANDS down... BEST advice EVER.... I have spent the last year telling my now ex this, and he just kept insisiting he really WAS the person he pretended to be... he just ISN'T, to any extent, and wouldn't just let the truth be the truth, so YES, it WAS hell!


best piece of wisdom I've heard in a long time!


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OliveOilMom
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11 May 2012, 5:39 am

I'd put a note in here that says this isn't to be published by anyone if I were you. You don't want this one to end up getting stolen too you know. :-)


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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com