Essential Love & Dating Advice (By and For WP Members)

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rhoades24
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18 Jun 2019, 2:35 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

[color=firebrick]Those things do matter to the vast majority of women to varying degrees, but generally not to the exclusion of a compatible temperament/personality, aligned life goals, etc. Everyone wants the best partner they're capable of attracting and most people want a "packaged deal" with regard to relationships.


Not going to argue with the stats. My numbers are highly dramatic and arbitrary. However, I think that the women I've met and seen whether on dating sites or real life are looking for a "perfect package" that seems to match a romantic comedy movie. An athletic and extraordinarily handsome man, with charm, humor and who says all the right words at right time, who is affluent, and who has dozens of other women going after him, but they hope he picks her. No man in this world, unless he is some movie star, can satisfy all that. Yet, the women I've met or seen all desire this and expect it.

It might sound or be sexist, but I'm going by what I've seen in life. Maybe others who live in different places or have different lives find romance and sex easy, but this is the world I see everyday.



rhoades24
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18 Jun 2019, 2:47 pm

Teach51 wrote:


Obviously Rhoades thinks that his view of all things pertaining to human relations reigns supreme, and we empty headed women understand nothing about .....women.
He also considers It legitimate to squash and dissect any kind person who takes the trouble to stop a moment, and tries to assist him in alleviating his problems, out of pure empathy and good intentions.

Rhoades can stick his fingers in his ears, squeeze his eyes shut and stick out his tongue but it won't help him learn about women and their needs and mindset.

Badly done Rhoades. You have an opportunity to hone your people skills here and you are not exactly excelling. A little humility is necessary if we want to be liked. Nobody enjoys being talked down to.


My intuition tells me that there is no treatment or any form of help that can help my situation. I wasn't expecting anyone to assist me on here. I had hoped I would absorb some or a small amount of the advice, but much of it I've tried over and over at a number I've lost track of. So none of it really helps. Forums are worse places to get advice, I think I'm mostly here to vent and get the dopamine stimulation of posting to others since I have no contact with any people in real life. That seems to be the dumb reason I'm here and eventually I'll disappear and leave you all in peace as I am fairly certain I am probably the bad guy on here. I don't deny I'm probably the bad guy.



Teach51
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18 Jun 2019, 2:56 pm

rhoades24 wrote:
Teach51 wrote:


Obviously Rhoades thinks that his view of all things pertaining to human relations reigns supreme, and we empty headed women understand nothing about .....women.
He also considers It legitimate to squash and dissect any kind person who takes the trouble to stop a moment, and tries to assist him in alleviating his problems, out of pure empathy and good intentions.

Rhoades can stick his fingers in his ears, squeeze his eyes shut and stick out his tongue but it won't help him learn about women and their needs and mindset.

Badly done Rhoades. You have an opportunity to hone your people skills here and you are not exactly excelling. A little humility is necessary if we want to be liked. Nobody enjoys being talked down to.


My intuition tells me that there is no treatment or any form of help that can help my situation. I wasn't expecting anyone to assist me on here. I had hoped I would absorb some or a small amount of the advice, but much of it I've tried over and over at a number I've lost track of. So none of it really helps. Forums are worse places to get advice, I think I'm mostly here to vent and get the dopamine stimulation of posting to others since I have no contact with any people in real life. That seems to be the dumb reason I'm here and eventually I'll disappear and leave you all in peace as I am fairly certain I am probably the bad guy on here. I don't deny I'm probably the bad guy.



Please don't disappear. Vent if you must. I'm sure you are not a bad guy, you are just fed up. Sorry for lashing out.


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rhoades24
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18 Jun 2019, 3:27 pm

Teach51 wrote:

Please don't disappear. Vent if you must. I'm sure you are not a bad guy, you are just fed up. Sorry for lashing out.


I'll be gone soon.



Twilightprincess
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18 Jun 2019, 9:10 pm

rhoades24 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

[color=firebrick]Those things do matter to the vast majority of women to varying degrees, but generally not to the exclusion of a compatible temperament/personality, aligned life goals, etc. Everyone wants the best partner they're capable of attracting and most people want a "packaged deal" with regard to relationships.


Not going to argue with the stats. My numbers are highly dramatic and arbitrary. However, I think that the women I've met and seen whether on dating sites or real life are looking for a "perfect package" that seems to match a romantic comedy movie. An athletic and extraordinarily handsome man, with charm, humor and who says all the right words at right time, who is affluent, and who has dozens of other women going after him, but they hope he picks her. No man in this world, unless he is some movie star, can satisfy all that. Yet, the women I've met or seen all desire this and expect it.

It might sound or be sexist, but I'm going by what I've seen in life. Maybe others who live in different places or have different lives find romance and sex easy, but this is the world I see everyday.


I think you are experiencing confirmation bias. I doubt all that many women want this perfect guy. I certainly don’t.

Are you looking for the perfect woman?



rhoades24
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18 Jun 2019, 9:38 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:

I think you are experiencing confirmation bias. I doubt all that many women want this perfect guy. I certainly don’t.

Are you looking for the perfect woman?


I'm just looking for a woman who I'm sexually attracted to. Not so concerned about her body except not be fat and have healthy weight like me, maybe one who exercises, lifts weights, does yoga, dances, etc.

And have a beautiful face. No specific face, but a face that when I see it it makes my heart beat faster and faster almost like having tachycardia. An ability for us to talk about anything without feeling awkward. And warmth at night. Going to sleep and feeling her warmth; a blanket of warmth that sedates me.

That's it. Nothing else. Is that a lot to ask for maybe? If so then I'm doomed.



MissMary227
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07 Aug 2019, 11:01 pm

I read something the other day that resounded with me: You only need to find that one right person. You don't need to attract bunches of mates or dates, you don't need to have a lot of relationships, in fact, that is probably the wrong way to go about it. You just need to find that one whom you are made for and vice versa. Waiting and being patient and trusting that you will find him/her is the hard part.



wowiexist
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08 Aug 2019, 10:22 pm

My advice is to not try to look for someone perfect because that person doesn’t exist.

Also don’t let little things bother you if you like someone. I met girls I liked who had some annoying habit or something that made me not like them. But if you are in a relationship there is going to be something about the person that bothers you at some point.



OliviaJhonson
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30 Aug 2019, 7:12 am

Some dating service providers provide all the information about a person with whom you are going for the date. One of my friends used the services of . They gave him styling tips along with some tips for date and flirt and also provided a professional photographer.



Last edited by B19 on 15 Nov 2019, 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.: spam

MackM
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11 Oct 2019, 10:04 pm

Hey I dont know if anyone is gonna answer but on the off chance, I need help. I fell in love with a man on the autism spectrum and I just want to make it work because I really do love him its just he frustrates me so much and I feel so alone sometimes. I dont know how to communicate what I need anymore because i'm learning that his brain doesn't work like mine. He forgets so much and he lectures me all the time. He gets so much more focused on his stuff than whats going on with me. I feel like really hard stuff could be happening in my life and he wouldnt notice even if I mentioned it tons of times. it makes me feel so small and unimportant. im willing to compromise and I know i'm really ignorant I just dont know how to handle this at all. I know he doesnt do these things to hurt me and i know he loves me and it hurts him when i bring these things up because he cant help it and he says hes trying but how can u try at something like that? you cant force your brain to be something that its not, right? i dont want to hurt him by making him think hes not enough for me or i dont love him for him idk. feel free to be brutally honest with me if u feel the need i just really need answers please



Borromeo
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11 Oct 2019, 10:57 pm

Hey, take your time.

As a man I find it odious for a man to be lecturing a woman. It's unbecoming conduct. Some people, I'm sorry to say, use autism as an excuse for rudeness. Others never learned how to handle themselves in society.

I wish you blessings but don't rush things.


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12 Oct 2019, 12:45 am

Why do you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to lecture constsntly you and who makes you feel small and unimportant? Do you want to be treated as an equal or as a child who needs lecturing?

Does their love leave you feeling good most of the time or just really good infrequently?

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling small and insignificant because of the actions of one human?

What if you found someone who was supportive and who treated you as an equal and who respected your views?

This situation is not your fault.

It's usually only women who come on here looking for advice on how to get their jerk boyfriend to treat them with more kindness and respect.

But you can't change anyone.

Very rarely do we get posts from autistic males trying to find out how to communicate with their girlfriends and meet them half way and make them happy. Think about that.



Borromeo
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12 Oct 2019, 3:02 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Why do you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to lecture constsntly you and who makes you feel small and unimportant? Do you want to be treated as an equal or as a child who needs lecturing?

Does their love leave you feeling good most of the time or just really good infrequently?

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling small and insignificant because of the actions of one human?

What if you found someone who was supportive and who treated you as an equal and who respected your views?

This situation is not your fault.

It's usually only women who come on here looking for advice on how to get their jerk boyfriend to treat them with more kindness and respect.

But you can't change anyone.

Very rarely do we get posts from autistic males trying to find out how to communicate with their girlfriends and meet them half way and make them happy. Think about that.



Thank you hurtloam--glad you're back. This post is why.


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13 Dec 2019, 11:44 am

Be interested in people for who they are and not what they can potentially give you.


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21 Jan 2020, 5:26 pm

Quote:
Very rarely do we get posts from autistic males trying to find out how to communicate with their girlfriends and meet them half way and make them happy. Think about that.


Very rarely are any of us so appreciated in the first place.


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02 Feb 2020, 5:18 pm

MackM wrote:
Hey I dont know if anyone is gonna answer but on the off chance, I need help. I fell in love with a man on the autism spectrum and I just want to make it work because I really do love him its just he frustrates me so much and I feel so alone sometimes. I dont know how to communicate what I need anymore because i'm learning that his brain doesn't work like mine. He forgets so much and he lectures me all the time. He gets so much more focused on his stuff than whats going on with me. I feel like really hard stuff could be happening in my life and he wouldnt notice even if I mentioned it tons of times. it makes me feel so small and unimportant. im willing to compromise and I know i'm really ignorant I just dont know how to handle this at all. I know he doesnt do these things to hurt me and i know he loves me and it hurts him when i bring these things up because he cant help it and he says hes trying but how can u try at something like that? you cant force your brain to be something that its not, right? i dont want to hurt him by making him think hes not enough for me or i dont love him for him idk. feel free to be brutally honest with me if u feel the need i just really need answers please


I'm in the same boat: even as I explore my own possible AS, my emotional reactions to my partner's autistic traits have been so similar! Alone, small, unloved- check. My partner is awesome to me in so many ways (makes me breakfast, problem-solves my dreams, makes sweet adventures). But sometimes I haven't been able to feel that because of other things which left me feeling sh***y (like being sharply criticized or having what's going on in my life not register as important; sometimes my partner gets antsy when we're walking together and just leaves me behind). Explaining how I feel in these scenarios doesn't seem to work. My partner either expresses that talking about emotions is just confusing or else apologizes for being a sh***y partner, but in a way that's just so hopeless and sad. Either way, there's not a sense that anything gets understood or changed. And something else I need, emotional reassurance, doesn't happen from these conversations. Realizing that my partner is probably on the spectrum was such a helpful revelation. I realized that many of my implicit assumptions about what certain actions of his mean were totally off-base. He doesn't want me to feel alone, small or unloved at all! It's been super tough, and there have been times I've thought I might have to leave. But right now, I'm in.

And I've been figuring out how to focus on the types of things my partner does do when I need reassurance. For example, this happened by accident: I was feeling raw after some criticism from my partner and stuck, because I wasn't sure how to get over feeling so raw without hearing the 'I love you' that would never come, and then I realized I didn't know where my keys were. I had to ask him to look, and this being totally in his wheelhouse, he looked promptly and thoroughly, and I actually felt the kind of reassurance I needed. Because being available for logistical support is one of the ways he loves me and which I love! And I have felt more and more reassured as my partner has continued to stick with me and be lovely.

There are lots of books on relationships with people on the spectrum, and some of them are quite helpful- though they are almost universally obnoxiously hetero-normative and about NT women dating AS men. One that I liked was The Asperger's Couples Workbook, by Maxine Aston. Obviously we can choose to do these relationships or choose not to. But if we choose them, there is a bit of a process in figuring them out. I hope that ultimately that process will be rewarding, in that whatever implicit things I was expecting in relationship will be made explicit and my ability to communicate about them and get what I need will only increase.

And here I had come on originally looking for advice :wink:


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