Continually approached, but I reject everyone. Why???

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sunshower
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04 Apr 2012, 9:13 am

Maybe this should be in the Haven, but oh well here goes.

I feel like I'm dying inside because the guy I've fallen for doesn't like me back. And this isn't the first time. But here's the real clincher -

Guys are always approaching me.

Yet not once have I ever felt anything for any of them. I've had so many options, and continue to reject all of them. The very very few people I've ever felt attraction towards are the only ones who don't like me back. What is wrong with me??

A friend suggested that maybe I am afraid of relationships. I don't know. I just don't understand why none of these perfectly decent, great guys do it for me. I wonder if it's an Asperger's thing, like my emotions are faulty or something.


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DrDiva
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04 Apr 2012, 9:19 am

Nothing is wrong with you. I do this too. You know who does it for you. I seem to only like guys that I have to chase. If they approach me, it doesn't fit my litmus test. I am an alpha female. I enjoy clubbing a guy over the head and dragging him back to my cave. Is that so wrong? Maybe you are an alpha too! Ain't nothin' wrong with that! Enjoy it, revel in it. Sometimes pining away is much better than living with less than what you want. Imagine all the great poets who would not have been inspired, all the great songs that would not have been written! And you will appreciate it more when you have to work for it.



sunshower
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04 Apr 2012, 9:36 am

DrDiva wrote:
Nothing is wrong with you. I do this too. You know who does it for you. I seem to only like guys that I have to chase. If they approach me, it doesn't fit my litmus test. I am an alpha female. I enjoy clubbing a guy over the head and dragging him back to my cave. Is that so wrong? Maybe you are an alpha too! Ain't nothin' wrong with that! Enjoy it, revel in it. Sometimes pining away is much better than living with less than what you want. Imagine all the great poets who would not have been inspired, all the great songs that would not have been written! And you will appreciate it more when you have to work for it.


Thanks, this makes me feel better. I am definitely an alpha female, I do know this already, I think this is why a lot of guys are drawn to me to be honest. It gets sort of tiresome constantly rejecting perfectly decent people all the time though. I feel pretty disheartened at the moment, especially as I feel really heartbroken over this person who didn't like me back. Which is ironic, considering how many guys I do this to - according to the laws of Karma I deserved this.

I guess I just feel worried though because it feels like maybe there is something wrong because I only seem to get attracted to someone once every couple of years or so, which isn't very often.


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mv
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04 Apr 2012, 9:43 am

sunshower, I'm like this, too. It's easy to say, "Ah, don't worry about it," but that's really the only advice I have for you. You only have to worry about what's right for you, not about what seems "normal" or "fair" to other people (within reason, I mean).

The hard part is living with the loneliness. When you're not attracted to very many people, you only get a scant, few chances. It gets much harder when you're older, too, and everyone's already paired off. I'm 44 and I haven't dated in 2-3 years because the online thing just didn't work for me. At least you're young and still have a lot of opportunities to meet new people!

I can still fall into the trap of beating myself up over rejecting perfectly decent people, but honestly, you just can't fight our wiring. The system is *never* going to change to accommodate you, you need to find a way to make peace with who you are. Nevermind trying to explain your differences to well-meaning, inquiring friends. Most won't understand.



The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Apr 2012, 10:10 am

and, again, I am a Gamma male, radioactive and mass-destructive.



The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Apr 2012, 10:17 am

How big THE banana i am bringing to you should be so you can consider me at least?



Zinnel
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04 Apr 2012, 12:15 pm

mv wrote:
I can still fall into the trap of beating myself up over rejecting perfectly decent people, but honestly, you just can't fight our wiring. The system is *never* going to change to accommodate you, you need to find a way to make peace with who you are. Nevermind trying to explain your differences to well-meaning, inquiring friends. Most won't understand.


Actualy your "wiring" can change ether through time or your own determination to make a change in your self.

Heres the question sunshower should ask herself though. Are you really an "alpha female" or are you just rejecting the guys who approach you because the guy you've approached doesn't like you the same way?

This actualy very common thing for people to fall into were they don't give others a chance because they themselves didn't have a chance with someone they were interested in. Its sort of like self-inflicted loneliness and thats not healthy in anyway, and there is a fine line between that and the "alpha gender" mentality.


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mv
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04 Apr 2012, 12:41 pm

Zinnel wrote:
Actualy your "wiring" can change ether through time or your own determination to make a change in your self.


I understand that you're trying to help (and your subsequent theory is something sunshower should consider), but I still maintain that not everyone's wiring can change in this respect (perhaps sunshower's can; and I wish her well). I'm 44, I've been through many, many experiences, but I still remain the same person. The unhappiness I've felt is from trying to force myself to be like and think like other people. When I simply accepted the reality of who I am and how I'm wired, I became much more peaceful. I think some of us are "stickier" than others.

Perhaps, also, we mean different things by "wiring".



CrazyStarlightRedux
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04 Apr 2012, 1:24 pm

I am attracted to Alphas but will never approach them as they seem trouble and yeah, once you surrender they give up...so I guess it's a trait.

It's a trait that annoys me though... :oops:


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Zinnel
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04 Apr 2012, 2:35 pm

mv wrote:
Zinnel wrote:
Actualy your "wiring" can change ether through time or your own determination to make a change in your self.


I understand that you're trying to help (and your subsequent theory is something sunshower should consider), but I still maintain that not everyone's wiring can change in this respect (perhaps sunshower's can; and I wish her well). I'm 44, I've been through many, many experiences, but I still remain the same person. The unhappiness I've felt is from trying to force myself to be like and think like other people. When I simply accepted the reality of who I am and how I'm wired, I became much more peaceful. I think some of us are "stickier" than others.

Perhaps, also, we mean different things by "wiring".


I see what your saying and understand that in many ways accepting who you are(how you're wired) is very good for ones own mental health. However, it sounds like you've had along time to figure out that you are "wired" that way. But its possible that sunshower isn't wired that way and that what she is experiencing is more situational than a case of how she is wired.

I've met a couple people who at very young age (20-28 ) adopted the idea that they were just "wired" one way or the other and just accepted it. But eventualy they realized that they were in fact wrong about themselves, realizing that they were not "wired" the way they had thought, leading them to had lived their life by a misconceived notions and thus felt regret.

Thats kind of the danger of thinking your wired one way so early in your own life and its best to save such absolute conclusions after you've had more experience.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Apr 2012, 2:48 pm

Piiiiiiiiishhhhhhhhhhhhhh, stop over-analyzing this s**t people.

Any over-average-looking girl would be approached "continuously" by guys, because that what single guys (and players) do, they approach girls all the time - it's the only way for them to get laid or to get a gf.

Let alone the fact that sunshower is in the 'hot' category, so no wonder she would be continuously approached all the time.

It's not a matter of female-alphahood, it's simply the looks-oriented modern human society.



sunshower
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04 Apr 2012, 3:52 pm

Zinnel wrote:
mv wrote:
I can still fall into the trap of beating myself up over rejecting perfectly decent people, but honestly, you just can't fight our wiring. The system is *never* going to change to accommodate you, you need to find a way to make peace with who you are. Nevermind trying to explain your differences to well-meaning, inquiring friends. Most won't understand.


Actualy your "wiring" can change ether through time or your own determination to make a change in your self.

Heres the question sunshower should ask herself though. Are you really an "alpha female" or are you just rejecting the guys who approach you because the guy you've approached doesn't like you the same way?

This actualy very common thing for people to fall into were they don't give others a chance because they themselves didn't have a chance with someone they were interested in. Its sort of like self-inflicted loneliness and thats not healthy in anyway, and there is a fine line between that and the "alpha gender" mentality.


Thanks for the theory, but I've been rejecting the guys who approach me for years, and I only liked this guy for the last month or so, so no, he's not a causal factor in the rejecting.

I understand what you mean about trying to change ones wiring, this is something I've spent a lifetime doing, and I can tell you that attraction is no exception. But although it's worked with everything else, like mv said, so far it just hasn't worked with attraction. I've begun to reluctantly conclude that you can't force attraction but I'm wondering if there's some other loophole I can exploit - like something I can change within myself instead.


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sunshower
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04 Apr 2012, 3:58 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Piiiiiiiiishhhhhhhhhhhhhh, stop over-analyzing this sh** people.

Any over-average-looking girl would be approached "continuously" by guys, because that what single guys (and players) do, they approach girls all the time - it's the only way for them to get laid or to get a gf.

Let alone the fact that sunshower is in the 'hot' category, so no wonder she would be continuously approached all the time.

It's not a matter of female-alphahood, it's simply the looks-oriented modern human society.


I would agree that, superficial as it is, the amount of interest one generates from the opposite sex is very looks based. I could graph fluctuations in male interest levels according to how physically attractive I have been at different time periods. I'm sure we all could. I think level of outgoingness/self confidence also does play a part though.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Apr 2012, 4:30 pm

sunshower, what traits you think that make you an 'alpha female'?



ZX_SpectrumDisorder
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04 Apr 2012, 4:36 pm

Magic boobs



bruinsy33
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04 Apr 2012, 6:48 pm

sunshower wrote:
Maybe this should be in the Haven, but oh well here goes.

I feel like I'm dying inside because the guy I've fallen for doesn't like me back. And this isn't the first time. But here's the real clincher -

Guys are always approaching me.

Yet not once have I ever felt anything for any of them. I've had so many options, and continue to reject all of them. The very very few people I've ever felt attraction towards are the only ones who don't like me back. What is wrong with me??

A friend suggested that maybe I am afraid of relationships. I don't know. I just don't understand why none of these perfectly decent, great guys do it for me. I wonder if it's an Asperger's thing, like my emotions are faulty or something.
I am sure it is little consolation for you but many here don't have anybody at all interested in them while you seem to have many men interested in you. Sooner or later one of those guys who approaches you could be someone who you would be interested in .Maybe you only need to make superficial changes such as not spending time in certain locations [i.e. where you are getting approached]..If you are spending time in bars for example you will usually attract the extroverted outgoing type.