Is something wrong with my relationship?

Page 1 of 3 [ 41 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

KevLibraryGuy
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 127
Location: Canada

03 Jul 2012, 9:27 pm

Hey

I'm going to be spending the night with my girlfriend in two days, and will (probably) be sleeping with her for the first time...ever. (Note that I am a 25 year old virgin). We have been seeing each other for almost a year now, and we click real well. We share the same interests, the same horrible sense of humour, we're both geeks...we get along real well.

The problem is, I don't know if I'm attracted to her anymore.

I mean, she looks on the good side of average, though she could really do to lose some weight. I know this shouldn't bug me, and I know that it is stupid and selfish of me to be so nitpicky, but because i may or may not be sleeping with her in two days, this is beginning to gnaw at me and make me worry.

Is this normal? How important are looks in a relationship, and more importantly, am I just setting unrealistic standards? This whole issue has been doing my head in. I've been considering talking this over with her and being honest with my uncertainties, but I don't want to potentially ruin the good things about our relationship, and I definitely don't want to hurt her feelings. Is it just me? Am I being selfish?

Please give me your input. I honestly don't know what to think anymore.



redrobin62
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Apr 2012
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,009
Location: Seattle, WA

03 Jul 2012, 9:56 pm

Wow! My friend, you have what is called a conundrum. Yes, some girls would rather not be reminded they need to lose a few. They WILL get defensive and jet because they'll recite you lines such as "More to love" or "More bounce to the ounce" or "Who likes skin and bones?" Being honest can backfire in your face.

By the same token, if she doesn't do it for you anymore, she just doesn't do it for you. You can't force yourself to love her. BTW, it's normal to fall out of love, or out of like, with somebody because of A, B or C. Also, you are aware that plump girls do have their lovers. You're probably just not one of them. Good luck.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

03 Jul 2012, 9:56 pm

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T LUST FOR BUT ARE DATING
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having been in a relationship where I didn't actually have any attraction to the girl I can tell you this will be a major problem. A few years back I had self esteem issues and just took the first girl that liked me that was acceptable enough to date. When you finally get to "IT" , what will likely happen is not ED (erectile dysfunction) but lack of arousal unless forced and given next to no time to go soft on her. In short, it will mess you up, it will mess her up.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DO YOU LIKE HER OR THINK YOU LIKE HER?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is also the possibility you are nervous about your first time and are trying to find ways out of it or are making coping mechanisms to prepare yourself for any lack of success in the bedroom. If this is the case, or if you "don't know" I suggest the following to see where this relationship will head:

*Put aside some time to have intimate thoughts about the girl you are dating. Not stimulating you? Put more "thought" into it. Still nothing? Bad sign...
*Do a rain check - are you more excited to talk to your girlfriend, or other girls within your circles?
*Think about what have you done with your girlfriend so far, and your willingness or reluctance to do those things based on a) attraction b) virginity /first time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORST CASE SCENARIO & PREPARATION :=(
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the answers are a combination of 1) No arousal 2) Other girls and 3) Option A... then I think you only view her as a friend. Without photos I wouldn't be able to say if you're being a little too picky or really just don't feel that way. All I'm going to say is having been down this sort of road it's probably going to only work as a friendship not a relationship. However you reach the point of changing to a friendship consider:
***Any intimacy you currently enjoy will be gone.
***She might need time to accept this.
***She will most likely NOT accept this if you mention anything at all to do with looks, or intimacy.
***Both of you would be free to meet other people, and chances are she will find someone before you do if you haven't got someone in mind that's a definite. If you break up with someone their esteem is lowered and they rush to rebound or sleep with someone for validation they are not ugly. Be prepared to reap what you sow and handle it maturely :)
***There will be arguments in the break period / friendship, and times both of you will try and make each other seem stupid (correcting each other, finding faults, character assassination). Avoid falling into this trap. Don't bite, and also don't feed.
***Getting back together after breaking up will be very tough to do if you ever change your mind on her looks or whatever else that bothers you at the moment unless the person is very desperate (a pride and dignity thing).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME : =)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She might surprise you in the bedroom and your worst fears might turn out to be a dream come true, the best night of your life, and a healthy relationship ahead!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rant over. Take out of that what you need and consider if your relationship is worth salvaging or if you should just be friends and move on.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

03 Jul 2012, 10:05 pm

To answer your question in short btw:
Your relationship seems fine on all levels bar attraction unless there is something you haven't told us which would suggest otherwise.
Attraction isn't important in all relationships but if you're planning to have sex, then it will be.



cathylynn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,018
Location: northeast US

03 Jul 2012, 10:20 pm

how important looks are is an individual decision. i never fell for anyone overweight until i met my husband. i have a tubby hubby and life is great.

if attraction is less than what you need to be aroused, you can always fantasize.



KevLibraryGuy
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 127
Location: Canada

03 Jul 2012, 10:27 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T LUST FOR BUT ARE DATING
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having been in a relationship where I didn't actually have any attraction to the girl I can tell you this will be a major problem. A few years back I had self esteem issues and just took the first girl that liked me that was acceptable enough to date. When you finally get to "IT" , what will likely happen is not ED (erectile dysfunction) but lack of arousal unless forced and given next to no time to go soft on her. In short, it will mess you up, it will mess her up.


I had never considered that as a possible outcome before, but now that I do...crap. I don't know how I'm going to explain that if it happens, and she may pick up on reasons.

She is my first girlfriend. She is, in fact, the first person of the opposite sex who I can remember demonstrating an interest in me beyond just friendship. That's one of the reasons why this whole issue is really bugging me-- in many ways, this relationship has been great, and I don't want to ruin it, but I am also terrified by the question of "can lightning strike twice?" I don't want to go back to being a loner. :(

Quote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DO YOU LIKE HER OR THINK YOU LIKE HER?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is also the possibility you are nervous about your first time and are trying to find ways out of it or are making coping mechanisms to prepare yourself for any lack of success in the bedroom. If this is the case, or if you "don't know" I suggest the following to see where this relationship will head:

*Put aside some time to have intimate thoughts about the girl you are dating. Not stimulating you? Put more "thought" into it. Still nothing? Bad sign...



Well...plumpness aside...she has a pretty face, and hair, and rack. Um...I'll be honest, no, I typically don't fantasize about her.

Quote:
*Do a rain check - are you more excited to talk to your girlfriend, or other girls within your circles?


I actually really enjoy talking with her, so nothing to worry about on that front.

Quote:
*Think about what have you done with your girlfriend so far, and your willingness or reluctance to do those things based on a) attraction b) virginity /first time.


Well, the first time I stayed at her house, we snuggled...and that was it. She understood that I'm inexperienced and want to take things slowly.

Quote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORST CASE SCENARIO & PREPARATION :=(
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the answers are a combination of 1) No arousal 2) Other girls and 3) Option A... then I think you only view her as a friend. Without photos I wouldn't be able to say if you're being a little too picky or really just don't feel that way. All I'm going to say is having been down this sort of road it's probably going to only work as a friendship not a relationship. However you reach the point of changing to a friendship consider:
***Any intimacy you currently enjoy will be gone.
***She might need time to accept this.
***She will most likely NOT accept this if you mention anything at all to do with looks, or intimacy.



Part of the problem...well, now that I think of it, a HUGE probem, is that she's gotten along really well with my circle of friends. She's pretty much joined my usual DnD/RP circle, which means that if we break up, we'll still be seeing each other each weekend and sharing the subway ride home halfway. I can imagine that, post-breakup, that might all be a bit difficult.

Quote:
***Both of you would be free to meet other people, and chances are she will find someone before you do if you haven't got someone in mind that's a definite. If you break up with someone their esteem is lowered and they rush to rebound or sleep with someone for validation they are not ugly. Be prepared to reap what you sow and handle it maturely :)


I do not, in fact, have someone else in mind. My current gf, btw, has been in more than a few relationships and one-offs before me, so maybe things won't be so difficult for her. Then again, maybe that's just my guilty conscience speaking. Either way, the thought of hurting her self esteem does bother me. It will hurt to know I'm hurting her, and I don't know if I can handle that.

Quote:
***There will be arguments in the break period / friendship, and times both of you will try and make each other seem stupid (correcting each other, finding faults, character assassination). Avoid falling into this trap. Don't bite, and also don't feed.


I know, and yet I'm not prepared for any arguments. If she gets upset, then I won't defend myself at all. It will be bad enough I'm hurting her feelings, I don't need to justify it or make her feel worse. Any insults or hurtful words she wants to throw at me, I'll take without complaint, because its not like I won't deserve them.

Quote:
***Getting back together after breaking up will be very tough to do if you ever change your mind on her looks or whatever else that bothers you at the moment unless the person is very desperate (a pride and dignity thing).


Another reason as well. Hence another part of the reason why this whole issue is doing my head in: I don't want to destroy what might be a good thing.

Quote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME : =)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She might surprise you in the bedroom and your worst fears might turn out to be a dream come true, the best night of your life, and a healthy relationship ahead!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rant over. Take out of that what you need and consider if your relationship is worth salvaging or if you should just be friends and move on.


So, what should I do? Talk things over with her? Break up? Go ahead and do it with her, and see where things go from there?



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

03 Jul 2012, 10:37 pm

Despite the circumstances it seems you genuinely do love her and have quite a stable life together. I think you should just say beforehand you are still nervous and might not be ready but want to give it a try.

As I say, the whole thing could surprise you and you might feel a whole lot different once you have done more than just "snuggle" :) I would avoid any pornography and abstain until that evening.



questor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2011
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,696
Location: Twilight Zone

03 Jul 2012, 10:44 pm

Criticising her appearance/weight is likely to end the relationship. Also, what a person is like on the inside is what is important, not what they look like on the outside. I think you are too young to fully understand that. Rather than telling her she needs to lose weight, why not suggest going bike riding, or going for walks, or playing tennis, or engaging in other health related activities? If either of you has a yard why don't the two of you start a garden? That involves physical activity, and you can have fun growing some nice, healthy foods to eat, as well.

There are lots of fun, and healthy ways the two of you can spend time together. Give them a try! :D


_________________
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away.--Henry David Thoreau


hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

03 Jul 2012, 11:33 pm

questor wrote:
Criticising her appearance/weight is likely to end the relationship. Also, what a person is like on the inside is what is important, not what they look like on the outside. I think you are too young to fully understand that. Rather than telling her she needs to lose weight, why not suggest going bike riding, or going for walks, or playing tennis, or engaging in other health related activities? If either of you has a yard why don't the two of you start a garden? That involves physical activity, and you can have fun growing some nice, healthy foods to eat, as well.

There are lots of fun, and healthy ways the two of you can spend time together. Give them a try! :D

agreed, yes.

ultimately, perhaps she is happy to be overweight. she exists as she is, and she is a package deal, KevLibraryGuy. even if she would like to lose weight, it is unfair to expect that or gamble on it. there are other men who would love her the way she is. so you are doing her a disservice by staying with her and possibly having sex with her if you are not attracted to her in that way. you are keeping her from people who would think she is a bombshell just the way she is.

it sounds like you have some great friendship-chemistry going on, so perhaps she could continue to be a valuable part of your life. but i personally believe that having sex with her would be a big mistake for all involved.

is she a virgin too? also, why did you wait a whole year prior to having sex? nothing wrong with waiting, but i sense there is a reason.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


Blownmind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Feb 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 825
Location: Norway

04 Jul 2012, 1:12 am

Worst case: you will be stuck with an STD, or/and you will be stuck with a kid with a woman you are not attracted to.

Consider the possible outcomes before you have sex with her.


_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200


1000Knives
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,036
Location: CT, USA

04 Jul 2012, 1:27 am

KevLibraryGuy wrote:

Well...plumpness aside...she has a pretty face, and hair, and rack. Um...I'll be honest, no, I typically don't fantasize about her.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9ZZgDqzAg[/youtube]

Quote:
Say man.
Hey baby.
I saw your wife the other day.
Yeah?
Yeah, she's ugly.
Man, she's ugly but she sure can cook, baby.
Yeah? Alright...


If the bolded is true, proceed.

I'm sorry I can't give a more mature response than this.



Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

04 Jul 2012, 1:43 am

Never ever criticize or degrade a girl based on her weight or body shape, insulting someone based on that can really make it harder for that person to forgive you and they can easily misinterpret the point you are trying to make. Comparing her to skinnier girls will make her feel even more insecure and hurt so definitely be careful about her feelings here.

I agree with the above advice, do something subtle but don't suggest that it is to lose weight. Start doing an activity such as mountain bike riding, gardening or something that you can both really bond with.



BlueMax
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285

04 Jul 2012, 2:48 am

Look in the mirror long & hard - are YOU a perfect ten? I'm guessing you look no better than she does... if you really like her and enjoy her company, physical attraction can build with time.

On the other hand, if you don't intend to stay with her, don't sleep with her - that'd be a rotten thing to do to anyone.



KevLibraryGuy
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 127
Location: Canada

04 Jul 2012, 9:22 am

Quote:
it sounds like you have some great friendship-chemistry going on, so perhaps she could continue to be a valuable part of your life. but i personally believe that having sex with her would be a big mistake for all involved.


For the record, me staying the night with her was her idea. Which is part of what makes this all so damn awkward.

Quote:
is she a virgin too? also, why did you wait a whole year prior to having sex? nothing wrong with waiting, but i sense there is a reason.


No, she is not a virgin (by her own account). She's had quite a few boyfriends (and the odd girlfriend) before me, and from all I know of her, she's ten times more sexually adventurous than I am.

Quote:
On the other hand, if you don't intend to stay with her, don't sleep with her - that'd be a rotten thing to do to anyone.


That's the thing, I've contemplated ending the relationship, and my heart is torn on the issue. I really like her and really like being with her, and those are huge points for me staying with her. A part of me still wonders, though, if I've stayed with her this long just because she's my first real girlfriend, I want it to work, and because a part of me dreads the prospect of being single again. I don't know. Maybe I'm over-analyzing this. Maybe I should trust the gut instinct that I do really like her. I don't know.

Maybe I should take January's advice, take up her offer and spend the night with her, and see if that changes my feelings? I realize that if it doesn't, then I may be doing something incredibly cruel to her. Thats partly what bugs me.



edgewaters
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2006
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,427
Location: Ontario

04 Jul 2012, 10:18 am

I think you'll find that actual sexual contact is its own thing, completely unlike imagining about it. There's a high level of tactile sensation and other sensations/atmosphere that causes instant alterations in mood and perception and even physical changes (beyond the really obvious ones, I mean whole-body differences) very much like the effects of a drug or an adrenaline rush.

Quote:
I've contemplated ending the relationship ... Maybe I should take January's advice, take up her offer and spend the night with her, and see if that changes my feelings? I realize that if it doesn't, then I may be doing something incredibly cruel to her. Thats partly what bugs me.


So it would be less cruel to never give her a chance, and just turn her down without even trying?

She's decided she wants to spend the night with you, she's done the risk assessment, I assure you. Let her do her own risk assessment - she's more qualified to do so, on many different levels. Everyone assumes some risk in these situations (you as well, actually). Yep, there is a chance of things not working out, but trust me, she's considered this - and given it the go-ahead anyway. She's got experience, she knows herself, and she's apparently confident you'll have a good time, and prepared to deal with it if you don't. She wouldn't have made the offer otherwise.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

04 Jul 2012, 11:19 am

I have the same question as Hyperlexian - why and how did this relationship go on for a whole year without any sex or deeper physical interaction?