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nortier
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20 Jul 2012, 12:21 pm

Hi everyone,

I just finished the ten thousandth conversation with my mom, that - according to me - was just a normal question (why are you interested in the recent Dutch spaceship returning), but that she found to be a very aggressive demanding of an answer.

I feel that often times, she doesn't respond to a question but instead 'fuzzes around it', which brings me to continue asking it.

She feels completely overwhelmed now, and I am frustrated because, apparently, it is normal to not answer a question with the supposed answer, and because this happens to me all the time.

Do you know this feeling? How do you cope?

Thanks for helping me out!



throat
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20 Jul 2012, 12:41 pm

What was her answer?



Crazygirl79
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21 Jul 2012, 1:34 am

I have often "burnt" people out in conversations and I think we have a tendency to be intense but it can also go the other way too where Aspies are actually "burnt" out in a conversation with an NT or another Aspie which could be considered to be intense, these days I try to be mindful to refrain from such behaviour and I actively avoid people who engage in that type of intense behaviour.

Try not to be too hard on yourself but perhaps try to slow the intensity down as it's obviously bothering your Mum.

S

nortier wrote:
Hi everyone,

I just finished the ten thousandth conversation with my mom, that - according to me - was just a normal question (why are you interested in the recent Dutch spaceship returning), but that she found to be a very aggressive demanding of an answer.

I feel that often times, she doesn't respond to a question but instead 'fuzzes around it', which brings me to continue asking it.

She feels completely overwhelmed now, and I am frustrated because, apparently, it is normal to not answer a question with the supposed answer, and because this happens to me all the time.

Do you know this feeling? How do you cope?

Thanks for helping me out!



nortier
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22 Jul 2012, 2:33 pm

throat wrote:
What was her answer?


Well, her only clear answer was 'because I want to see it'. I told her that wasn't really an answer, but she didn't proceed to give me anything else :(


Crazygirl79 wrote:
These days I try to be mindful to refrain from such behaviour and I actively avoid people who engage in that type of intense behaviour.

Try not to be too hard on yourself but perhaps try to slow the intensity down as it's obviously bothering your Mum.


Thanks for your comment, CrazyGirl79! I do try to avoid people who seem intense in some sort of way, or who find me an aggressive person to talk to. I find it sad that this person just so happens to be my own mother (among many others). She tells me I overanalyse every little thing, which I dont think is the case. It's hard sometimes to not just blurt out that people should use more of their intellectual capacity :(. For the past few days we've been getting along better, as I try to not ask many questions about things she says.

I know in can hardly change this, so maybe avoiding it is better altogether. Thanks for your concern, guys!



Crazygirl79
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22 Jul 2012, 5:39 pm

Yes I can understand where you are coming from, have you thought of taking your Mum out for lunch and discussing this stuff and I don't mean bombarding her, I mean asking her what she thinks and actually listening??

Just remember when she tells you that you over analyze, it's only her opinion because others may not think you do that but nevertheless her opinion needs to be considered and heard.

S

Crazygirl79 wrote:
These days I try to be mindful to refrain from such behaviour and I actively avoid people who engage in that type of intense behaviour.

Try not to be too hard on yourself but perhaps try to slow the intensity down as it's obviously bothering your Mum.


Thanks for your comment, CrazyGirl79! I do try to avoid people who seem intense in some sort of way, or who find me an aggressive person to talk to. I find it sad that this person just so happens to be my own mother (among many others). She tells me I overanalyse every little thing, which I dont think is the case. It's hard sometimes to not just blurt out that people should use more of their intellectual capacity :(. For the past few days we've been getting along better, as I try to not ask many questions about things she says.

I know in can hardly change this, so maybe avoiding it is better altogether. Thanks for your concern, guys![/quote]



Nymeria8
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22 Jul 2012, 6:08 pm

This happens to me often but most especially with my mother. I always feel like no matter the question I get some version of "because I'm the mother and your the daughter". which a total non-answer. She says she does it because of the tone in which I ask questions. That it sounds accusatory. I don't hear it or do it on purpose so the cycle continues. With other people it seems they tire of a conversation before I do but I feel like I don't enter into a conversation unless I find it interesting so who's faul is that?


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chessimprov
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22 Jul 2012, 9:45 pm

Nortier, sounds like there's probably a lot more to the context of the situation than maybe you realize. Maybe you forgot everything that happened that lead up to that one question.



tarantella
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23 Jul 2012, 9:33 am

nortier wrote:
I feel that often times, she doesn't respond to a question but instead 'fuzzes around it', which brings me to continue asking it.

She feels completely overwhelmed now, and I am frustrated because, apparently, it is normal to not answer a question with the supposed answer, and because this happens to me all the time.


To be honest, I would feel the same as your mother in this scenario. When you ask a question, it's up to her whether or not she wants to give a long, in-depth answer. Maybe she has a general feeling of interest and curiosity regarding this spaceship, but there's nothing more to it than that and she just didn't have a longer answer prepared. Maybe she hasn't consciously thought about it enough to tell you exactly what interests her, because she lacks that insight herself. She just knows that she feels interested.

For you to continue repeating the question would feel like a lot of pressure, because she either doesn't have anything else to tell you or she has held back some thoughts on purpose because they are private. It's her right to do both of those things. Whether or not you think her answer is a "proper" answer, it's the one she wants to give. Sometimes you could ask (just once!) something like "Can you tell me more?", but if she can't or doesn't, then I'm not sure what you can do other than accept it.

A question is an opener and a request, after which it's the other person's turn to decide where the conversation goes. It's not an order that can only be fulfilled by a precise formula. Asking once in casual conversation is fine, but asking the same casual question multiple times because you didn't like the first answer does come across as aggressive.