Socializing when you were younger and socializing now

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Xerofaan
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31 Aug 2012, 7:14 am

muslimmetalhead wrote:
When I was younger, and we were all children, we would just play together because that was all we could do.

as young adults, it has become more about respect, connections/status, experiencing new things


As others said, social life with children revolves around a game or interest, but as you get,older and more developed, it's about manner


Totally! I can relate to that.

It's like: What are you playing (younger), How are you playing it (older).

Thx for answering!



BookPerson
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31 Aug 2012, 8:07 am

StuckWithin wrote:
I think that as we go through life, it eats away at our innocence - we see more of the ugly side of life and people, and it changes our perspective.

One thing you can do is to still keep some of that inner child alive, by letting yourself be happy and not worrying about having to be too sophisticated all the time.

I also think that for many Aspies, the hard part is managing group dynamics: we just aren't wired for it. On the other hand, one on one friendships with people whom we've had time "to figure out" tends to work better. Trouble is, it's a slow way of making friends, and one will not likely have a large number of them. Those whose social lives are group-oriented simply tend to know more people - but they may relate to them on a far more superficial level.

Just a few observations from life...


Thanks, StuckWithin! I actually am a pretty happy person and love to laugh and joke around. I have come to realize, though, since being at college that my sense of humour appears to be different than what's considered the "norm." I don't really know how to explain it - it's not like it's very strange, but it's different. Like, for example, I love Monty Python and British humour - especially what I consider to be "smart" humour - but this doesn't seem to be work with a lot of people. With my friends from before college, we had riotous moments of humour - but they were similar to me, in this regard. For example, my jokes aren't derrived almost entirely from dirty humour, and aren't peppered with swearing.

I don't think I try to be sophisticated, but I come off that way to some people - like in an intellectual way. This morning, one of my "friends" mentioned in conversation (while at the gym) "Hey, you're intellectual - I like that." It was very nice of him to say, since I just act naturally.

Excellent point about group dynamics. Unless it's a group of people I know well, it's very hard for me.

Thanks again for your advice! - I really appreciate it. :D (Sorry if I got a little rambly.)



StuckWithin
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31 Aug 2012, 4:42 pm

Also, I think that when you are young or an adolescent, you may not realize yet that your thinking is different from that of most people. The fact that it's harder to find a group or to acquire acceptance may be obvious, but it will seem hard to know why that is.

The benefit of getting older is that even if you never do think like the majority, you become self-aware, and know that you process things differently. This can be a very helpful modulator in how you relate to others - in other words, you have a better understanding of how others may see you.


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VAGraduateStudent
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31 Aug 2012, 7:06 pm

Xerofaan wrote:
But the older I get the more nervous i am about "fitting in". About being "wanted, being loved." for who i am. But it's a fake me. And i am childlike sometimes, and sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes not, it depends on the situation.

What you said about having lots of friends and one on one friends. I tend to think that way too. It can be much more superficial if you have a lots of them, it often doesn't go so deep. I have always questioned, what the basic of a friendship is. And what i notice is that it is like a "Drag along", you have the tip of the thread and the rest, you just drag along. Like you meet someone with the same interest and you get sucked in, from there on. But it is not always a deep meaningful relationship,


I'm very interested in what you're saying. I'm a first year MS student researching the sociology of autism. I'm specifically interested in autistic identity and when autistic people "pass" as neurotypical (totally or by faking NT traits).

Why do you think you have become more concerned with fitting in and gaining acceptance? Was there a point in your life where you did not feel like you were fake around others?

I'm about to launch a huge research project investigating these things, which I imagine are different for different people, but if wouldn't mind letting me know your experience I would love to hear it.



Nerdyimperator
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01 Sep 2012, 5:03 pm

I was rubbish at socialising when I was younger, not much has changed in recent years..



Xerofaan
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02 Sep 2012, 3:21 am

Well VAGraduateStudent,
I will tell my experience.
When i was younger, i was a nice kid. I played with outer kids, and i could make friends by the material thing, like i said in the OP.
I would always listen to music, and search for the emotion that i was feeling. If i had found it, i thought that i was understood.

But when i turned 13, and had to go to high school things didn't fit anymore. And i looked at other teenagers, and started imitating them. In terms of the way they dressed, act, to witch music they listed to, the movies they watch. But you i started to realize that i was different. And that's where my ocd, came about. I expressed my feeling true making music, extreme dancing, very very very detailed artworks (hyper-focus keeps me calm), self harm...

It was like i couldn't express my feelings to anyone. And that lead to the fact that after 2 years of trying to fit in, i had had it. So i changes school,, and went to an art school. But in an art school, if you're different, that is sometimes a good thing. So the whole act, dropped. unless it was really really necessary. But i can tell you, i made art like as fast as a rabbit runs!
And i was good, i got good grades, so who cared? There was nothing wrong with me. Nobody knew about my self harm, ocd... Beacause i was an A student, with a very good NT act.

So you see, elementary school (A Thing; like knex, lego, pokemon...) High school (A thing, music compositions, my art works...)

But once in University, the main thing dropped! And it dropped me! I couldn't act my act anymore. It was so exhausting... So i didn't go to the pub, or to a club for the first 2 years. I was about 18, 19 years old. But i worked, and worked and worked for school. And then in my third year. Total depression!

So i went to see a Therapist, and oo boy, she opened the "World door".
I was like i looked at my art for the first time, i mean really looked at it. And yeah looking at it now, i do have a hyper-focus, but for me it was normal. I do think differently, but again for me it was normal. For the art teachers it was normal, i was just special.
But for my therapist it was more than that. She showed my how people think and act. And i was mesmerized! I really was!

I didn't know i didn't do those things. Like making eye contact, shaking hands, taking metaphors literally (what my art work is all about), putting so much detail in my work.
And what struck me the most was that, people didn't think as much as I did! I didn't know that at all! It was all normal in my head! and that is where i lived all those years.

"My thoughts are the truth, and my vision is reality"

That is how i lived all these yours. And in a way i knew i was different, but didn't know why.
And after 24 years it came out i'm gifted (that was a true shock, and that is also why i can put up a good NT act, is study them and then act like them) and they said they suspect i have aspergers (this also of the non facial expression during the sessions...)
They couldn't test my aspergers there because they are a to small of an organization.

And you know, nobody knew.
But i must say, there is more to it than this. I am also adopted, and that was a point where everybody thought "well he's different because he's adopted"
And i'm black and i'm brought up in a white family, so that was there second argument.

But hellow! What in freaking gods name, has OCD to do with being black, or with being adopted? NOTHING!

So that is in a "short" version why they didn't knew, and i could pas for an NT.

Artwork

my art work is the second and the third picture, see link above



TonyHoyle
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02 Sep 2012, 8:35 am

I didn't really socialise at all when I was young.. I didn't realize I was supposed to - at lunch time, if I'd had lunch I'd just wander around the school for the rest of the hour until the bell went for lessons again. School discos were a torture.. I was supposed to 'enjoy' sitting around listening to music that I wasn't really able to join in (because nobody invited me to).

I had 2-3 friends, and pretty much that stayed constant until college.

For years I can relate to being the clown. I'd always try to be the silliest, most outrageous person.. which meant people laughed and therefore I was noticed.

I'm 45 now and still haven't got it all figured out, but I chain-socialise, by which I mean I go to places where I know at least one person, hang around them and hopefully they'll introduce me to someone else. This works fairly well (in that I rarely end up as the bloke sat in the corner with no friends starting at a beer glass). OTOH if I'm going somewhere that I don't know anyone I've basically got no strategy for that and will probably never speak to anyone - my solution.. hang around the food.. at least get something out of it :p

The crazy thing is I can meet someone, have what I percieve to be a normal, pleasant conversation.. then they'll never speak to me again. I don't *think* I'm an annoying as*hole.. maybe I am and can't see it..



Xerofaan
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08 Sep 2012, 2:39 pm

thanks you guys



blackmetal83092
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14 Sep 2012, 5:12 am

Definitely got easier when I got older because of one particular friend who I thought I learned a lot from. In high school for the first couple years, yeah I dressed differently than everybody and had very few friends...but I found common interests among quite a few of my piers when I was a junior, music, gossip, academics, etc. I always listened, that's one way I learned. Whatever they're talking about, if I had something useful or interesting to throw into the conversation, yeah I was good. I experienced a major set back in the past couple years after dropping out and spending a lot of time at home. For a few months, that certain friend was out of town and it became really difficult to relate to people, hardest point in my life I think. But ever since last summer we've been spending a lot of time together, and now it's really quite easy for me. Idk...it was really just a combination of things. I've read a lot about social interaction and at one point was barely ever home. I wish I could have you all hang out with this guy and me for a few weekends, you'd learn a lot. But, if you're open to it, try listening to what people are talking about, what they're saying, how they're saying it, how their face looks, etc. and go to your local library or bookstore and look for books on social interaction. Those two things have helped tremendously as well.


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