Socializing when you were younger and socializing now

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Xerofaan
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23 Aug 2012, 7:25 am

Hey you guys I have a question.

When I was younger (I'm 24 now) socializing seemed so much easier. When I went to elementary school, I really loved it. Because I knew what I would or could do, and say. For example I grew up with a lot of "hypes". We used to play with marbles, so that became my interest. I just loved going to school and play with other kids and share interest in marbles. I would collected them, even draw pictures of them, we gave points to the marbles, so you would know which one was more worth then the others. So that was a (material) THING. Then the other hypes like, flippo's, Diablo's Pokémon... Those where all materials things, so I HAD to communicate with people to share our same interested.
In that time, making friends seemed natural to me, because of the material thing in between me and my friend. I loved playing with Knex, so that was another thing I could share with one friend.
It was like "I play with Knex, hey you too, will you be my friend?" And that was it!

But when the material things fell away in high school, I suddenly didn't know what to do anymore. Puberty and ego became a thing around then. There became a line between boys and girls, it was like I couldn't be "friends" with girls, because then you were supposable her "boyfriend" . And that was so hard for me, I never really looked at girls that way. Gosh I was pretty naive at that time. I had one good friend where I share interest in music with.
And in collage, things just went wrong. People of my age didn't listen to the kind of music I listed to. I didn't go out much because of the "small talk" every time. I guess I just was in the wrong group. But it all seems so artificial an forced. It's about those superficial subject, like dating, who was more drunk, who had sex and all that. So in the end, the THING wasn't there anymore. So socializing is a lot more difficult when I became older.

My question is, do you guys have some experience in what I just said? Did making friends and socializing became more difficult for you when you got older?



JitakuKeibiinB
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23 Aug 2012, 11:16 pm

I think I can relate somewhat about the "things". All of my friends were made around "things" (not necessarily material). My first friend was made when I wanted to play tag. I didn't really care about the friend, I just wanted to play tag. Tag was the "thing", and I needed a "friend" to do it. Subsequent friends were similar. When I was interested in football or card games or whatever I needed somebody to play with and they became my friends.

In late elementary school/junior high/high school those "things" mostly faded away and the façade of friendship became the "thing" itself. I found myself with people I didn't have anything in common with, doing things I didn't like, just because you're "supposed to" have friends. That wasn't very fun.

But I was never really interested in anything besides the "things", so... :shrug:



allakara
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24 Aug 2012, 12:27 am

i can relate to that too. my thing that got me by when i was younger was just simply being funny and making people laugh about stupid things like toiler humor and stuff like that. this used to earn me a lot of friends, respect, and plenty of socializing for the best of my interest until of course people outgrew that.



Xerofaan
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25 Aug 2012, 4:38 am

JitakuKeibiinB wrote:
I think I can relate somewhat about the "things". All of my friends were made around "things" (not necessarily material). My first friend was made when I wanted to play tag. I didn't really care about the friend, I just wanted to play tag. Tag was the "thing", and I needed a "friend" to do it.


Voila, that is what happened to me too. I needed a friend to do the activity. But how do you do it now? Is making a friend a coincidence?
That is a question that keeps spinning in my mind. I'll give you an example.

Two years a go i went in a depression, because of all this. Not knowing who i was, and who my "real" friends are. And one day i just said, "I'm done." I packed my bag, bought an inter rail-ticket and i just went (all over Europe). And you know what, it was the best decision of my life! I went to travel for a month on my own. And i could be myself. But along the way "THE THING" got back! But now in a different form. It was museums, galleries, going to see the Colosseum... So yeah i was very social, i was genuinely interested in people. And people wanted to do the same thing, i didn't really have to make "real small talk". I didn't really have to try.

Plus, the conversations where different, i had the feeling that i could more provocative to a person i didn't know. Not in a bad way, but more like going in depth with the conversation. Not "what do you think of the weather today", but more questions about religion, or about are, even feelings...

But back home, in the town i live, i find it so hard. But why? I just don't get it, is because I'm in my comfort-zone? Or am i just sick of trying.



Xerofaan
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25 Aug 2012, 4:47 am

allakara wrote:
i can relate to that too. my thing that got me by when i was younger was just simply being funny and making people laugh about stupid things like toiler humor and stuff like that. this used to earn me a lot of friends, respect, and plenty of socializing for the best of my interest until of course people outgrew that.


ooh yes, the clown! Well mate, that was me to for years! Always be the funny one so you'll get plenty of friends. Till high school that trick worked for me too. But then after, it was like i didn't blend in anymore, so strange.

Did you have other "things" besides being the funny one?



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25 Aug 2012, 2:31 pm

I was the reverse when I was younger I never socialised at all and kept myself to my self. Now I never stop talking to people, love meeting new people no matter where I am and make myself known when am at partys. For me Socialising got way easier the older I got, Why? I forced myself to talk to people and once you realise it isn't scary. Life's easier.


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26 Aug 2012, 12:41 pm

I found it easier to socialise when I was younger too. Now when my cousins come round, they just sit about talking about their nights when they all meet eachother at the pub; who's going out with who, and who fell out with who, who got the most drunk, and so on. It all gets so boring, like can't they talk about anything else other than the latest gossip about what happened at a pub the night before? I have to hold back from talking about my fascination with bus-drivers, so why can't they just hold back a little bit from talking about their fascination with drinking and sex, just for 5 minutes? At least my fascination is more down to Earth than talking about a bunch of youngsters drinking themselves stupid and waking up being sick, also feeling bad that they kissed the wrong person and gets the hump with the person who broadcasts it out to the rest of the crowd.....ohh, so booooring!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

When we were kids, life was so much easier. We played games out in the garden. If it was cold or wet, we went upto eachother's bedrooms and found fun things to do. We talked about better stuff, stuff we could all relate to and had conversations that were easier to join in to, and more interesting too. We done silly things, like picked out random books and laughed at the funny pictures. We got out drawing equipment and drew pictures and coloured them in. Nobody got judged so much, and everybody liked my toys and interests. We got lost in amazing make-believe games we made up, even if they just involved one room. Even the stairs turned into anything we could imagine.

What I'd give to get those wonderful days back.....


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26 Aug 2012, 1:38 pm

Xerofaan wrote:
allakara wrote:
i can relate to that too. my thing that got me by when i was younger was just simply being funny and making people laugh about stupid things like toiler humor and stuff like that. this used to earn me a lot of friends, respect, and plenty of socializing for the best of my interest until of course people outgrew that.


ooh yes, the clown! Well mate, that was me to for years! Always be the funny one so you'll get plenty of friends. Till high school that trick worked for me too. But then after, it was like i didn't blend in anymore, so strange.

Did you have other "things" besides being the funny one?


Yep that's me the clown. I'm still the child inside this adult body. Even then it was difficult to make friends. It would usually be one friend at a time. not several friends at the same time. Now who wants to be a friend with my child like innocence and conversation skills.



Xerofaan
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27 Aug 2012, 7:37 am

Joe90 wrote:
I found it easier to socialise when I was younger too. Now when my cousins come round, they just sit about talking about their nights when they all meet eachother at the pub; who's going out with who, and who fell out with who, who got the most drunk, and so on. It all gets so boring, like can't they talk about anything else other than the latest gossip about what happened at a pub the night before? I have to hold back from talking about my fascination with bus-drivers, so why can't they just hold back a little bit from talking about their fascination with drinking and sex, just for 5 minutes? At least my fascination is more down to Earth than talking about a bunch of youngsters drinking themselves stupid and waking up being sick, also feeling bad that they kissed the wrong person and gets the hump with the person who broadcasts it out to the rest of the crowd.....ohh, so booooring!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

When we were kids, life was so much easier. We played games out in the garden. If it was cold or wet, we went upto eachother's bedrooms and found fun things to do. We talked about better stuff, stuff we could all relate to and had conversations that were easier to join in to, and more interesting too. We done silly things, like picked out random books and laughed at the funny pictures. We got out drawing equipment and drew pictures and coloured them in. Nobody got judged so much, and everybody liked my toys and interests. We got lost in amazing make-believe games we made up, even if they just involved one room. Even the stairs turned into anything we could imagine.

What I'd give to get those wonderful days back.....


Exactly, that is what i could have written. Why do you think that is?
you know, the older i get (24 now) the more i sometimes wish i was still a child. Not because of the studies or work, but because of all these social rules. I hate them! It's like you said, who had the most of this, who went to bed with who. But frankly i don't give a damn! But then my friend say I'm not social.
The remark: "you haven't said anything in 2 hours" is way to familiar for me.

But you know, i can talk to people in that kind of way, because i studied people. i know how they react and what they want to hear. It would be so easy, but in my head it's exhausting. Because it is not in my nature to do so. Only when i haven't seen someone in a very long time, i can be interested, because the conversation goes about more subjects (sometimes not always). If not I'm like a robot, that knows; when and where.

And that is my biggest problem, lately i have the feeling that i have lost my own nature. Like the child within. Now it's all calculated. But how do you go back, or regain that? How do you become more natural again, without being programmed because of these social events?



Last edited by Xerofaan on 27 Aug 2012, 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

Xerofaan
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27 Aug 2012, 7:49 am

Stalk wrote:
Xerofaan wrote:
allakara wrote:
i can relate to that too. my thing that got me by when i was younger was just simply being funny and making people laugh about stupid things like toiler humor and stuff like that. this used to earn me a lot of friends, respect, and plenty of socializing for the best of my interest until of course people outgrew that.


ooh yes, the clown! Well mate, that was me to for years! Always be the funny one so you'll get plenty of friends. Till high school that trick worked for me too. But then after, it was like i didn't blend in anymore, so strange.

Did you have other "things" besides being the funny one?


Yep that's me the clown. I'm still the child inside this adult body. Even then it was difficult to make friends. It would usually be one friend at a time. not several friends at the same time. Now who wants to be a friend with my child like innocence and conversation skills.


Wel Stalk, i don't thing being childlike is a bad thing, i think it takes guts to to that, or to be like that. You know, when i look at the world; i just sometimes wonder. What it would be like if everyone would be childlike. I think the world would be more "relieved", and why relieved? Well i see the world as like an ego thing. (and that brings stress and tension with it, beacause we always "have to be", we have to be polite, we have to have the biggest car, or most expensive trip, or whatever.... Who has the most of this and that. But a child is sometimes more happy with what it gets. Like one thing, nothing less or more. But this ego society is a very hungry one. Of course a child judges you, but in an honest judgment, a quick one, but not always a good one. But now, i get soooooo suspicious of people. It's like "what do they want from me?" Like i don't trust them because i am what naive, and then i become calculated (that's my gifted part). And that combination, well man i can tell you, it's hell sometimes.
Can you tell me more about your experiences?



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27 Aug 2012, 8:35 am

Socializing was much easier when I was much younger. In fact, I even remember, around 14, my mum making a comment about how I was so outgoing when I was a little kid, and even up to a few years before that, and then things just changed. Around people I know a bit - slightly better than acquaintances - I have an easier time, but, apart from friends, I have so much trouble. It feels like there's a kind of barrier between myself everyone else, and, like I've heard many other Aspies say, it seems as though everyone else knows and possesses something that I don't.



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27 Aug 2012, 8:46 am

Xerofaan wrote:
Wel Stalk, i don't thing being childlike is a bad thing, i think it takes guts to to that, or to be like that. You know, when i look at the world; i just sometimes wonder. What it would be like if everyone would be childlike. I think the world would be more "relieved", and why relieved? Well i see the world as like an ego thing. (and that brings stress and tension with it, beacause we always "have to be", we have to be polite, we have to have the biggest car, or most expensive trip, or whatever.... Who has the most of this and that. But a child is sometimes more happy with what it gets. Like one thing, nothing less or more. But this ego society is a very hungry one. Of course a child judges you, but in an honest judgment, a quick one, but not always a good one. But now, i get soooooo suspicious of people. It's like "what do they want from me?" Like i don't trust them because i am what naive, and then i become calculated (that's my gifted part). And that combination, well man i can tell you, it's hell sometimes.
Can you tell me more about your experiences?


My version of being the clown is more in the unexpected tag that I got. In primary school it gave my teachers hell because I would be the one talking all the time with everyone, finishing my work first and back chatting with the teacher. Like I was trying to make them look stupid. I have become more aware of it in my high school because kids would laugh behind my back. The only defence I would have is to listen and not answer, only answer when I have thought it over.

One example I can remember from when I was 16 in the science class -

Teacher: "... and that's why it is more efficient to pull rather than push the object because of the resistance..."
Me: So how come a boat's engine is at the back and not the front?


Some thought it was daft, others thought it was funny, my teacher said, well let me tell you a story...

Anyway he was telling us a story of asking too many questions. That is my version, and I always give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them too much.



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27 Aug 2012, 12:09 pm

I find socialization much easier now. I can make small talk with random people almost automatically. It may be a bit awkward, but I don't stand there mute. I was never able to do that when I was young. By making small talk, I listen to what someone says and give a response based on that.



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28 Aug 2012, 10:18 am

BookPerson wrote:
Socializing was much easier when I was much younger. In fact, I even remember, around 14, my mum making a comment about how I was so outgoing when I was a little kid, and even up to a few years before that, and then things just changed. Around people I know a bit - slightly better than acquaintances - I have an easier time, but, apart from friends, I have so much trouble. It feels like there's a kind of barrier between myself everyone else, and, like I've heard many other Aspies say, it seems as though everyone else knows and possesses something that I don't.

I think that as we go through life, it eats away at our innocence - we see more of the ugly side of life and people, and it changes our perspective.

One thing you can do is to still keep some of that inner child alive, by letting yourself be happy and not worrying about having to be too sophisticated all the time.

I also think that for many Aspies, the hard part is managing group dynamics: we just aren't wired for it. On the other hand, one on one friendships with people whom we've had time "to figure out" tends to work better. Trouble is, it's a slow way of making friends, and one will not likely have a large number of them. Those whose social lives are group-oriented simply tend to know more people - but they may relate to them on a far more superficial level.

Just a few observations from life...


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28 Aug 2012, 10:30 am

When I was younger, and we were all children, we would just play together because that was all we could do.

as young adults, it has become more about respect, connections/status, experiencing new things


As others said, social life with children revolves around a game or interest, but as you get,older and more developed, it's about manner


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Xerofaan
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31 Aug 2012, 7:11 am

StuckWithin wrote:
BookPerson wrote:
Socializing was much easier when I was much younger. In fact, I even remember, around 14, my mum making a comment about how I was so outgoing when I was a little kid, and even up to a few years before that, and then things just changed. Around people I know a bit - slightly better than acquaintances - I have an easier time, but, apart from friends, I have so much trouble. It feels like there's a kind of barrier between myself everyone else, and, like I've heard many other Aspies say, it seems as though everyone else knows and possesses something that I don't.

I think that as we go through life, it eats away at our innocence - we see more of the ugly side of life and people, and it changes our perspective.

One thing you can do is to still keep some of that inner child alive, by letting yourself be happy and not worrying about having to be too sophisticated all the time.

I also think that for many Aspies, the hard part is managing group dynamics: we just aren't wired for it. On the other hand, one on one friendships with people whom we've had time "to figure out" tends to work better. Trouble is, it's a slow way of making friends, and one will not likely have a large number of them. Those whose social lives are group-oriented simply tend to know more people - but they may relate to them on a far more superficial level.

Just a few observations from life...


You made my day!
Seriously, What you said about Sophistication is very treu. That is a big problem for me. i want to be like when i was younger, is was more relax. But the older I get the more nervous i am about "fitting in". About being "wanted, being loved." for who i am. But it's a fake me. And i am childlike sometimes, and sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes not, it depends on the situation.

What you said about having lots of friends and one on one friends. I tend to think that way too. It can be much more superficial if you have a lots of them, it often doesn't go so deep. I have always questioned, what the basic of a friendship is. And what i notice is that it is like a "Drag along", you have the tip of the thread and the rest, you just drag along. Like you meet someone with the same interest and you get sucked in, from there on. But it is not always a deep meaningful relationship,