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How well do you cope with being patronised?
Can't STAND being patronised!! ! Argh! 63%  63%  [ 35 ]
Really really don't like being patronised. 21%  21%  [ 12 ]
Dislike being patronised, but perhaps there's a reason. 9%  9%  [ 5 ]
Doesn't really bother me. 4%  4%  [ 2 ]
Not a problem at all, it spurs amusement/pity etc. 2%  2%  [ 1 ]
I've never been patronised/It's usually justified. 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Don't Know/Show me the Votes 2%  2%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 56

Filipendula
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05 Sep 2012, 3:41 pm

How well do you cope with being patronised? I mean generally, not specifically with reference to AS since I know that's been discussed before.

I.e. Sometimes you get people who, often due to their own intellectual limitations, seem to have an unerring habit of patronising everyone around them, explaining the simplest things or belittling people in a sometimes well intentioned but completely unnecessary way.

I have personally never been able to handle this and I wondered if this is something people with AS can relate to. It takes absolutely all my willpower to prevent myself biting back if someone makes me feel unjustly stupid or if they explain something to me that's really obvious, even if it isn't obvious to them. I'm generally very mild mannered, but this can set me off on a lengthy rant, if I don't rant I can end up seething silently and indefinitely. I've been like this ever since I can remember though I have managed to tone it down a little over the years.


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mljt
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05 Sep 2012, 3:49 pm

I get patronised all the time mainly because I look so young and I'm tiny. I work with young people who are sometimes actually older than me. I also look a good 5-10 years younger than I am, so I get patronised quite a lot. My colleague is very good at putting people straight and will always introduce me as his colleague on purpose, so people don't think I'm a "young person" (as in, a service user)

Some people make a genuine mistake upon meeting me, and I usually let that slide, but some people continue to patronise me when they know me. I'm not very good at standing up for myself so usually have to rely on doing a good job to prove to them I'm worthy of their respect, which sucks, but I don't know how else to deal with it other than to get my colleague to have a word.

I have genuinely had people pat me on the head in work situations before. Also had a colleague of a friend of mine exclaim "Oh wow, that's such an important job, you must be so clever! Aww!" when I told her what I did. :x
People also try to do things for me, reach stuff down in the supermarket, carry things for me etc, which is nice, but I'd like it if they asked first.



Filipendula
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06 Sep 2012, 2:51 am

mljt wrote:
I'm not very good at standing up for myself so usually have to rely on doing a good job to prove to them I'm worthy of their respect, which sucks, but I don't know how else to deal with it other than to get my colleague to have a word.


Wow, sounds like you get it far more than most. But doesn't the above just make things worse? I can totally understand not being very good at standing up for yourself - I'm just the same, but having a colleague do it for you is like conceding that you are a minor or some sort. It hadn't really occurred to me before, but I reckon that's how that would come across.

In general though, it all sounds like a really bad case of ageism at the very least. And that would get me so frustrated and angry regardless of how well intentioned or helpful it was meant to be.


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invisiblesilent
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06 Sep 2012, 2:59 am

I voted "don't know" because it really depends on the situation for me. At times I will be quietly amused by someone attempting to patronise me and will play along whilst laughing inside at the idiot. If somebody is in a position of authority over me, like at work, and they patronise me it will piss me right off though because the ones that do it are always the workplace bullies. I got sacked from a few jobs because I struggled to keep my mouth shut when workplace bullies were trying their patronising, bullying s**t on me and I called them out on it; sometimes in spectacular/loud fashion haha. I've learned to bite my tongue a bit now I am older but those people still piss me off.



MirrorWars
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06 Sep 2012, 4:38 am

I don't get patronised more than anybody else, but when I do, I make a note of it & make sure that I will be even more patronising in return, at a later time.



mljt
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06 Sep 2012, 4:45 am

Filipendula wrote:
mljt wrote:
I'm not very good at standing up for myself so usually have to rely on doing a good job to prove to them I'm worthy of their respect, which sucks, but I don't know how else to deal with it other than to get my colleague to have a word.


Wow, sounds like you get it far more than most. But doesn't the above just make things worse? I can totally understand not being very good at standing up for yourself - I'm just the same, but having a colleague do it for you is like conceding that you are a minor or some sort. It hadn't really occurred to me before, but I reckon that's how that would come across.

In general though, it all sounds like a really bad case of ageism at the very least. And that would get me so frustrated and angry regardless of how well intentioned or helpful it was meant to be.


My colleague usually does it in a jokey way, like he'll just say "Dude, he's 22, he's not a child." or "Yes this is [my name], he's my colleague and gets really pissed off if people patronise him, thinking he's a child." which usually creates a situation they laugh at. I guess it's not as confrontational. I wouldn't like to be left to deal with it because I'd either just not say anything or come across as rude. Usually though, telling them what I do tends to make them realise they are actually talking to someone who's probably got more experience than them.

I used to get really angry at it, but it happens so often I have to let some stuff slide.



MissMoneypenny
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06 Sep 2012, 5:45 am

Well, I chose the first option, but not because there'll be a firestorm if people do that.

The more likely outcome is that, as with all unpleasant communications that come my way, it has the effect of shutting down my thought processes. By the time the penny drops that I'm being patronized (or otherwise treated meanly or unfairly), often the person has long gone.

I've been to all sorts of assertiveness workshops etc. but it doesn't work, not because I can't use what I've learned to stand up for myself, but because I just don't recognize that it's happening until it's too late. They might teach you what to say and how to say it, but they don't teach you how to recognize when to say it. I don't know how to teach myself to think a bit quicker on my feet. I guess it's the old story of I'm having to process consciously what other people just feel automatically.



Trekie
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06 Sep 2012, 6:33 am

when this happen to me its like an eksplosion of rambeling hatred, personal insults and sofisticated name calling. its on my list of things I really need to work on...



jetbuilder
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06 Sep 2012, 8:29 am

I get this a lot since I use a wheelchair. I cannot stand it when people RUN to the door to open it for me. I'm literally AT the door and can open it myself perfectly fine, but people get in my way when they're trying to help.

I can understand why people want to help, but I can't stand when people won't listen when I say I don't need/ want help. I just want to say "Go the f**k away!! !!"

End of rant.


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mljt
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06 Sep 2012, 8:51 am

jetbuilder wrote:
I get this a lot since I use a wheelchair. I cannot stand it when people RUN to the door to open it for me. I'm literally AT the door and can open it myself perfectly fine, but people get in my way when they're trying to help.

I can understand why people want to help, but I can't stand when people won't listen when I say I don't need/ want help. I just want to say "Go the f**k away!! !!"

End of rant.


I have quite a few friends who use wheelchairs and I get really angry at how patronising people are to them, especially deciding that even though they refuse help they obviously need it because they're obviously too feeble/weak/not-right-in-the-head to decide whether or not they can do things for themselves....



Filipendula
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06 Sep 2012, 10:41 am

mljt wrote:
jetbuilder wrote:
I get this a lot since I use a wheelchair. I cannot stand it when people RUN to the door to open it for me. I'm literally AT the door and can open it myself perfectly fine, but people get in my way when they're trying to help.

I can understand why people want to help, but I can't stand when people won't listen when I say I don't need/ want help. I just want to say "Go the f**k away!! !!"

End of rant.


I have quite a few friends who use wheelchairs and I get really angry at how patronising people are to them, especially deciding that even though they refuse help they obviously need it because they're obviously too feeble/weak/not-right-in-the-head to decide whether or not they can do things for themselves....


Not just people in wheelchairs, but women as a whole get this absolutely all the time, purely on a genital-based judgement of door opening capabilities. At least in the UK. It's a major pet hate of mine, but I'm at work at present so can't go into it. Might get back to this a bit later, once I've had a chance to work up some steam on the matter! I can already feel my hair bristling.


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AQ: 32 (up to 37 when answering instinctively); EQ: 21 - 24; SQ: 31
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RDOS Aspie score: 115/200; NT score: 79/200


Filipendula
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06 Sep 2012, 11:50 am

MissMoneypenny wrote:
The more likely outcome is that, as with all unpleasant communications that come my way, it has the effect of shutting down my thought processes. By the time the penny drops that I'm being patronized (or otherwise treated meanly or unfairly), often the person has long gone.

I've been to all sorts of assertiveness workshops etc. but it doesn't work, not because I can't use what I've learned to stand up for myself, but because I just don't recognize that it's happening until it's too late. They might teach you what to say and how to say it, but they don't teach you how to recognize when to say it. I don't know how to teach myself to think a bit quicker on my feet. I guess it's the old story of I'm having to process consciously what other people just feel automatically.


Yeah, I do that when faced with more acute confrontation. It can take days for it to sink in that someone treated me unfairly or that nobody else would have just stood there and taken it the way I do. I don't think it's that I don't recognise what they're doing though. I know straight away that I'm finding the situation unpleasant or confrontational, but I just can't or don't know how to react effectively. Physiologically I crumple and can get shaky or stammery. Mentally I lock down and don't know how to respond. I feel like I can't control my emotions, but that it's imperative that I stay strong. I always seem to behave upset and start crying even if I'm actually really angry which is infuriating. Therefore silence is my only option, and verbal defence is impossible. I always seem to assume they have right to behave their way and that I'm wrong if I react. Stupid.


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RAADS-R: 85
RDOS Aspie score: 115/200; NT score: 79/200


Joe90
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06 Sep 2012, 12:03 pm

I get patronised a lot, especially by old people. Some seem to think that just because I'm young, I don't have to be treated with respect.


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nessa238
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06 Sep 2012, 12:16 pm

I tend to just humour patronising people as there's a lot worse ways they could be behaving eg they could be being hostile. As long as they're not being unpleasant or obstructive I'm generally willing to tolerate patronisation but sometimes will correct the person if they're factually wrong about something.



ADoyle90815
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06 Sep 2012, 2:07 pm

It's a major pet peeve of mine, and the reason I quit volunteering at the preschool for special needs children that I went to. I still wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's at the time, but I felt like the staff treated me like I was one of the older students as that place wasn't just for preschoolers. The truth was that I quit going there after kindergarten and went to a regular school for the remainder of my career. At the time I volunteered, I was a college student there for the summer, but I only did it for 2 summers before deciding I would rather go somewhere where I was treated like an adult.



virgodog58
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16 Aug 2022, 1:42 am

Maybe the worst thing is feeling patronised even by those who are here to help us, e.g. certain staff in my local autism association of which I am a member: I am not a child and have an IQ of 132. My ex-partner who is the mother to our son (our son is also on the spectrum) has also been very patronising to me at times, even sometimes resorting to the attitude of "Oh well, what would you know? You're an aspie!" when we disagree about something.