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How should person [b]A[/b] best dealt with this rejection ?
Poll ended at 09 Feb 2013, 3:33 pm
Confronted the person who had be-friended him there & then 18%  18%  [ 2 ]
Confront that person on the next available opportunity 9%  9%  [ 1 ]
Ignore this. move on, consider a social lesson learnt 73%  73%  [ 8 ]
Total votes : 11

modelmaker
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02 Feb 2013, 3:33 pm

Two mates (person A & person B ) go to their regular club meeting to endulge in thier common but often diverse hobby/interest.

Person A - has suspected mild aspergers, he's quiet, a bit of a perfectionist, mild OCD & he has average intelligence, he lacks some social skills regarding eye contact & maintaining conversation so he's a bit of a loner, but he's generally happy working by himself, as to a degree A's come to accept his lacking of social skills, especially in group situations where he avoids as he has little knowledge of particular aspects the encompassing hobby.

Person B - has high functioning aspergers, he's also a perfectionist, OCD can be over obsessive , but manages his communication skills very well as his knowledge about most things & excellent foresite & organization skills compensate B's Hi-Functioning Aspergers.

Person C turns up shortly after, he only attends club meets occasionally.
He has no known title of autism/aspergers , however he has previous history of mental breakdown because of depression.

Its 7pm , persons A & B enter the club, A & B on this occasion have come in their own cars, I should point out now that its usually person A who on most (7/10) occasions will give person B a lift.
Person C, - only attends to club meets on the odd / random occasion, so always makes his own way going to club via public transport , - he'd always get a lift back home from mostly person A. . Persons A, B & C all live within the same locallity.

On this occasion Person C arrives at 7.30pm , spends 30 minuits chatting to person B who is busy soldering on a seperate part of a large project in one part of a huge room. Person C then approches person A busy building his own project on a desk on the other side of room. Person A happily chats away to person C for almost 2 hours, person A is admitidly 'distracted' as he does'nt cope well with 'multi-tasking', but he's happy to chat to person C , Often the various conversation appeared to 'run dry / run its course' & so person C seemed keen to start up another question for conversation, person A senses this, but as its 'socializing' then this surely is'nt a bad thing ?? lets wait & see; - below...

Its 9.50pm, so its time for all 12 members to pack away the various projects they've been working on.
Despite not being able to achieve as much as he'd aimed for that evening , Person A is quite happy to have 'seemingly' made some good social steps, Person A then offers person C a lift back home, person C agree's to A's kind offer
Out in the car park, Person A come out to see person C & B chatting, it seems person C had now just relized person B has on this occasion come to the club meet in his own car.
Person C , who decided to be-friend person A most of that evening anounces that he'll not be taking a lift of person A , but instead taking a lift home off person B :roll:

Question is; - How should've person A reacted to this 'mugging off' ?


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modelmaker
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02 Feb 2013, 4:25 pm

33 views in almost 1 hour since I posted this, but so far no replies or poll feedback :(

C'mon now, any opinions &/or poll feedback would be greatly appreciated :)

Thanks.


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HauntedKnight
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02 Feb 2013, 4:44 pm

Just my opinion, but maybe c just felt like carrying on the conversation with b and didn't intend to cause any offence to a?



ASDsmom
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02 Feb 2013, 4:52 pm

* Maybe C and B wanted to discuss something, and instead of inconveniencing A, decided to opt out of A's offer.
* Maybe C's home is en route to B's home, moreso than A's home.
* Maybe A should not have taken it personal, and assume the worst.
* Maybe C and B, who didn't have much of a conversation that night, wanted to catch up a bit, en route home.

Advice?
Always assume people have the best intentions. Assume that the bigger issue is more to do with A's insecurity around B and C's friendship. Due to lack of social skills, all around, you're bound to come across this situation. And really, if A is always the driver, it only makes sense that they appreciate A's friendship, to a point.

If A feels used, maybe stop offering rides for a while. Having said that, don't hold a grudge. If they need a ride, give it - it's what good friends do.



modelmaker
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02 Feb 2013, 7:16 pm

Thanks for both of your replies :) ,
As you may well have guessed I was 'person A ' , its something thats been playing on my mind eversince when it occurred last october, I know its trivial, but lately more-so I've been going thru some bad emotions about myself, & it helps if I can share things like this & gauge other peoples opinion on things, Tbh, its always been a default part of my nature to 'take things too heart' & think of the worst outcome/next course of action.

Admitidly, at the time of this incident I felt used & rejected , but think I'll let this go out of my mind, - I've always happy to help anyone out as long as I'm not been made a fool of, as this HAS often blatently happened several times in the past with me lending my tools etc to people & not recieving them back in good time, people deliberately taking the P, etc.

Thanks again :) .

Dave.


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ASDsmom
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02 Feb 2013, 8:22 pm

Hey Dave,

Last October was 4 months ago! But I'm glad you're airing out here because sometimes, a problem becomes gigantic when we keep it in our heads. Boy, do I know this one :) My only advice to you is this: be clear of the expectations when you're lending things out. For example, "Can I borrow your hammer?" said aquaintance, who never talks to me. "Sure and I'll need it back in 10 minutes." If you're direct, they'll respect your boundaries. If you don't suspect they will, don't lend it to them.



Moondust
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03 Feb 2013, 12:02 pm

I get this all the time, people planning to ride with me till a better option shows up. That's why I don't even offer rides anymore.

I don't see a reason why we should play Polyanna. Rejection is not an imaginary character but a real and common occurrence, especially for aspies. The fact that it's painful doesn't make it necessary to explain away. On the contrary, I find that the energy wasted in trying to Polyannize it is better invested in more productive projects.

I wouldn't burn bridges, of course, but I wouldn't forget the incident either. Just give it time and see if something on the same vein happens again.

And next time I wouldn't offer C a ride. I'd try to leave before that, and just agree if he catches me before I leave. I'm not his servant.


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modelmaker
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03 Feb 2013, 5:15 pm

Thanks for replies & votes on poll :D , some great advice there thats put my mind at rest after me churning this incident over in my head on/off for the last few months :D


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seaturtleisland
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03 Feb 2013, 11:56 pm

I've got one other idea. I noticed you said that person C usually gets a ride home when he goes to the club and he usually gets it from person A.

So if you usually give the other person a ride is it also possible that s/he just wanted to get a ride from someone else for a change?

It could've been as simple as a break from routine.

Also, was your friend (person B) at the club during any of the times that person C opted to get a ride home with you? If your friend was with you during a significant number of those occasions then you shouldn't feel rejected. Person C has chosen you over your friend several times before. If s/he chooses your friend just once does that mean s/he is rejecting you?

If I were in your place and it were the first time meeting this person I'd be more likely to feel rejected. I'd be comfortable knowing that person C has chosen to go home with me several times before.