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mittens87
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29 Mar 2013, 4:05 pm

I had a friends with benefits relationship with a girl a few years ago. To make a long story short, I wanted it to be more, but I think I had missed my window so I started trying to force a deeper level of intimacy. I confessed that I am an aspie to her and she started crying, yelled at me for not telling her, and never had a conversation with me again. To take the irony to an even deeper level I am certain she is an aspie, but was never diagnosed and seems to have a hate for anyone with that label. (i figured that out when i told her I thought she was... boy that was a mistake)
I have a pretty bad complex about that now, I never thought of my self as defective before this girl did that. That seems like it was the last straw for my confidence. I'm really trying hard to meet someone now but the harder I try the more it looks artificial and obviously I come off as a creep. Just like many here I have a tremendous difficulty finding someone who has an intellectual maturity as high as mine, with an emotional maturity as low as mine.
Except for my love life, I enjoy almost all aspects of my life. I have good friends, a good job and plenty to do.
Has anyone else confessed something like that to someone and had a similar reaction?
Any comments on this are appreciated.



Ravenfeather1
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29 Mar 2013, 4:38 pm

You are not defective. :D

When its confession time, you never really know how someone will react.



wotsits
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29 Mar 2013, 4:40 pm

I'm really sorry, I can't help as I've hidden so much from everyone close. Think it was really brave of you to do that & it sounds like it was her issues that caused her to react that way. The only thing I can say is that not everyone reacts like that - I'm only just starting to reveal things to my AS friend and he has been brilliant, just accepting it all as if it's completely normal!



goldfish21
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29 Mar 2013, 4:54 pm

Move on, she's not the one for you.

And you're not any more defective than you previously believed you weren't, even if she believes you are. Her opinion of you shouldn't dictate your own opinion of yourself. Don't let it. It's none of your business what other people think of you, as their thoughts literally cannot affect you.

Similarly.. I figured out my own AS 6 months ago. I've been slowly breaking the news to family members and also informing them of their own AS traits. Most of them have been very receptive, some accept my self diagnosis but refuse to accept they're afflicted.. yet. But the most similar situation was when I brought the topic up with a close friend who is also very obviously (to me now) ASD and he blew up about it and had a very AS rant. I didn't say anything about AS traits after that, but was sure to end the conversation with us both at peace & ok with each other. I've seen him a few times since but have not brought it up again, even though each time I see him I make mental note of various ASD things he does. A couple days ago I started listing them on paper, as I intend to write him a thoughtful letter to get all of this off my chest & inform him as well as explain my reasons for doing so - as I now know the benefits of knowing & learning and want him to have the same, especially since he's a big part of the reason I've been more and more open to learning about myself since he encouraged it. I intend to use his own words to encourage him to learn about himself, but I'll have to very carefully craft my words.. this I know. I especially want him to know these things about himself because I feel like I'm gaining a communication and social advantage over him, and I don't want that, as we're equals. I want him to have every edge & advantage I'm learning for myself, too. I'm pretty good with written communication & am confident I'll be able to phrase things in ways that he'll accept, possibly somewhat reluctantly, but he won't be able to deny he has all of these traits - nor that the reason we get along as well as we do is because of mutual special interests and that our friendship, while very real and very valuable to me, is also textbook AS-AS interaction. I know I won't lose a friend over this, that it might get a liiiiittle rocky in the process, but in the end it'll make us even closer and better friends than ever. It doesn't seem that an outcome like that is possible with the girl you mentioned, and that's unfortunate. Not everyone is going to be as OK with themselves as I know my friend is, so they deny & blow up vs. accept and learn and grow. Some people are just like that and you can't help it that they are.

I've been learning a lot about this whole process. I'm now taking it much slower with family/friends and letting them learn a few things on their own & accept themselves vs. trying to lead them to what I know are the answers as efficiently as possible.. and it's working. My older brother was very against accepting anything I had to say about any of this at first and really pissed me off with discounting what I've learned as self diagnosis BS because I'm not a doctor. Doesn't take a PHD to read a few books and know what I know, as it explains my/our entire life(ves). The last time I saw him he was in a much more open frame of mind and I managed to persuade him to not take my word for any of this, but to read just one book and he'll see that despite his doctor saying otherwise that his son DOES have AS. He agreed to read it, so before he left I ordered him a copy online which he picked up a week ago when I wasn't here. If he's started reading it already, he'll know that I know that once he reads it not only will he know his son is very much afflicted, and that I am, and others in the family... but also himself. I am curious as to whether he's started reading as he hasn't contacted me since - and even though he lives a block away we don't talk often, so that's not out of the ordinary or anything. I'm just going to wait and let things play out as it's for the best for my nephew and I know it. Patience, grasshoppah.


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IlovemyAspie
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30 Mar 2013, 1:42 am

Ravenfeather1 wrote:
You are not defective. :D

When its confession time, you never really know how someone will react.


Plain, simple and true.

She's got her own issues. Don't take on her issues! The fact that she has rejected you is her problem not yours. You can't remove your AS so there's nothing you can do but move on!! One day you'll tell a girl you have AS and she'll say "oh okay, what do you want to do tomorrow"? Anyone who rejects you for whatever reason, especially for the things you have no control over, is not worth it anyway.



mittens87
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30 Mar 2013, 12:34 pm

I apologize if you guys thought I was hung up on this specific girl, I may not have worded that example well. It has a lot more to do with getting over rejection in general. Especially as it pertains to that topic. That was more of an example of something embarrassing and terribly detrimental to my confidence, than being hung up on a specific girl. And more of a question of what can I do to rebuild that confidence and try to get away from destructive and selfish women like that.



IlovemyAspie
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30 Mar 2013, 12:43 pm

mittens87 wrote:
I apologize if you guys thought I was hung up on this specific girl, I may not have worded that example well. It has a lot more to do with getting over rejection in general. Especially as it pertains to that topic. That was more of an example of something embarrassing and terribly detrimental to my confidence, than being hung up on a specific girl. And more of a question of what can I do to rebuild that confidence and try to get away from destructive and selfish women like that.


Doesn't matter same still applies. As least a star as I'm concerned. Whether you've been rejected by one girl or 20. It is their problem. Not yours. You have to tell yourself that you have a lot to offer and you're not going to throw to someone who doesn't deserve it. To not have something and need it than to have something you don't need! If it takes you several years to find "the one" then so be it. I just got out of a 17 1/2 year relationship with someone that did not appreciate what I had to offer. I would have done better being alone and having fun with friends than the hellish life I endured. My advice? Pay attention to the red flags. Sometimes just one is enough reason to leave. We see the red flags and ignore them because we want someone. We try to overcome those red flags and end up wasting too much time on someone we should have left after the first date.



Cafeaulait
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30 Mar 2013, 12:55 pm

No, I havent expierenced that and I honestly do not believe it is your fault.



Stalk
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31 Mar 2013, 4:28 pm

I'm hellraiser with red flags attached to each pin :D



arnoldmcguire335
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20 Apr 2013, 9:29 pm

I can relate to that (since both me and the girl I liked in the past were both Aspies), but she never loved me back and ended up hating me because she thought I was "Creepy" and even betrayed the friendship and such.
Up to now the memories of her haunt me every now and then.



cinbad
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21 Apr 2013, 4:52 am

You might want to change the way you reveal yourself. When you find her or yourself getting into the romantic stage, let her know what it is and what your weaknesses might be. This way she can trust you and will take the time she needs to decide.


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Looneytunes
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21 Apr 2013, 7:14 am

I think the movie - Sleepover had the best one liner - when the one girl asked the fat girl if she liked brownies.
She said YES.
The girl told her - well then find a guy who also likes brownies.

A friends with benefits relationship is not a relationship - it is just two people using each other for what they want to get out of it. SEX

Jerry Springer says - if a woman has sex with you on the first date - there is a pretty good chance that she doesn't want to have a second date.

You have two options - put it in and let it fly, or walk away.

You cannot expect to have a committal type relationship with someone that does not want to commit to you.
Walk away!
She did you a favor - you don't want to be stuck with someone that doesn't want to be with you!



MusicalWonders
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24 Apr 2013, 1:26 am

Don't blame yourself. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.