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Ann2011
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13 Nov 2013, 7:47 pm

Cashiering and taxi driving didn't pan out. The social aspect combined with performing tasks such as driving and entering product codes is too confusing.

So, I've got a trial shift tomorrow with a cleaning company. I know there will be socializing, but I'm hoping that I will be able to focus on the task without too much distraction.

Anyway, I'm so nervous. I'm really beginning to question my ability to be productive. So I'm feeling a lot of pressure to succeed at this. If it doesn't work out, I'm not sure what to try next.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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13 Nov 2013, 9:16 pm

Congrats on the new job! :D

There's a trick I use which you might find helpful. If possible, I like to get there 8 to 10 to 12 minutes early, but not uncomfortably early. So, I might keep a book in my car that I'm working my way through, and then I might stop at a grocery store parking lot slightly before the job site. And what I do is lower the passenger side windows a little and just crack the driver's side windows, and that way I can dive into my reading and still feel safe. And with the vagaries of traffic and all that, I can much more closely time my arrival at the job site.

They probably want work on the medium fast side without overdoing it. If there are occasional missed quality and someone points something out, that's okay. Just be matter-of-fact and redo it. And that's probably better than going slow all the time, which is something I have struggled with.

And consider keeping a brief journal. Mainly the good stuff, but also some middle of the road notes on the bad stuff.



ASPartOfMe
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13 Nov 2013, 11:37 pm

Good Luck. You are doing somethings right in the body language social hell known as interviewing to be getting these opportunities.


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Ann2011
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14 Nov 2013, 7:33 pm

Thanks Aardvark and PartOfMe.

Well, she asked me to come back tomorrow, so I guess that's good. I'm so disoriented. We cleaned four houses. I was pretty slow. And I can't tell you how empowering it feels to be told to clean a mirror again by someone half your age.

I don't know if she'll want to keep me on past tomorrow. I discovered today that I can't tell the difference between when something is clean and not. She polished the dishwasher and said the product did a really good job, but I couldn't tell the difference.

Honestly I feel so close to harming myself. I already smacked myself twice in the head. Sometimes I just hate myself. I seem to be rather worthless.

But when the only option is suicide I guess you just have to keep going and look on the bright side. I just feel like I've been trying so hard, but I don't have anything to offer.

I'm not sure that when you have nothing to contribute that suicide is such a bad option. It would save disability their payments to me. And I know I'm a burden to my mother.

I just hate myself right now. I can't imagine anything nicer than slicing my face open so everyone could see what a freak I am.



ASPartOfMe
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14 Nov 2013, 9:09 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
Thanks Aardvark and PartOfMe.

Well, she asked me to come back tomorrow, so I guess that's good. I'm so disoriented. We cleaned four houses. I was pretty slow. And I can't tell you how empowering it feels to be told to clean a mirror again by someone half your age.

I don't know if she'll want to keep me on past tomorrow. I discovered today that I can't tell the difference between when something is clean and not. She polished the dishwasher and said the product did a really good job, but I couldn't tell the difference.

Honestly I feel so close to harming myself. I already smacked myself twice in the head. Sometimes I just hate myself. I seem to be rather worthless.

But when the only option is suicide I guess you just have to keep going and look on the bright side. I just feel like I've been trying so hard, but I don't have anything to offer.

I'm not sure that when you have nothing to contribute that suicide is such a bad option. It would save disability their payments to me. And I know I'm a burden to my mother.

I just hate myself right now. I can't imagine anything nicer than slicing my face open so everyone could see what a freak I am.


Please don't harm yourself we "freaks" want you around. You are a nice person. After not working for a while working a full day is disorientating. Get a good nights sleep and accept the invitation and see what happens tomorrow. Then don't worry about the big picture, hyperfocus on one piece of furniture and follow what the boss does. She may be half your age but she has experience in doing this job.


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Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman