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techstepgenr8tion
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25 May 2019, 3:16 pm

Just to put a word out there again:

I've had ups and downs, and for most of my 30's I've avoided dating like the plague. I think I avoided it primarily because I found that, after a youth filled with rather disastrous interactions with NT women (them liking my looks but then not liking my personality, on repeat to the point of damage), that when I tried meeting people on EHarmony it became really clear that if I wasn't completely attracted I got cold feet and sketched out, and yes - I'd pretty much ghost girls I'd gotten close to on a personal level and I hated myself for that.

The real ethical challenge for me is that if I'm getting close to someone it's because we like and respect each other, if it weren't that way then we wouldn't be talking to begin with. So the idea of actually hurting people who I'd like and having no impact on those I don't like really bothers me. I also had some long-distance dating experiences that showed me the problems with building foundations of a relationship long-distance and online.

If I can give anyone advice on dating long-distance - at some point in the online relationship, before you invest the time and money to meet, you really need to webcam. I say that for a couple reasons - a) you need to be familiar with each other's nonverbal communication and energy and b) you need to see if there's chemistry over and above the intellectual attraction. Short of that you meet eachother and the lack of such preparation and ground work hits you like a ton of bricks.

That said - if anyone does find me interesting or attractive, I need to say it up front - I'm slow-burn. Best way for us to kick something off is talking about mutual interests and enjoying each other's company in those conversations. I'm in the mid-west US near the great lakes, will be turning 40 this year, and so it's probably best - if long distance - to stay within 500 to 1,000 miles.

I wish the best to everyone on here trying to date. It's not easy. Finding people who not only have compatible temperaments but can also can roll with your life changes, are flexible enough to buffer your oddities and you have the flexibility to buffer theirs - it's not easy. Keep up the good work and hopefully even if nothing pans out know that you're among hundreds of thousands, even more, who are in the same boat and that you're never alone in the profound sense of the word.


_________________
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privelege of owning yourself" - Rudyard Kipling


SamDe
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22 Jul 2019, 4:44 pm

Is this still a thing? Has anyone managed to end up with someone as a result of posting here?



smudge
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23 Jul 2019, 1:28 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Just to put a word out there again:

I've had ups and downs, and for most of my 30's I've avoided dating like the plague. I think I avoided it primarily because I found that, after a youth filled with rather disastrous interactions with NT women (them liking my looks but then not liking my personality, on repeat to the point of damage), that when I tried meeting people on EHarmony it became really clear that if I wasn't completely attracted I got cold feet and sketched out, and yes - I'd pretty much ghost girls I'd gotten close to on a personal level and I hated myself for that.

The real ethical challenge for me is that if I'm getting close to someone it's because we like and respect each other, if it weren't that way then we wouldn't be talking to begin with. So the idea of actually hurting people who I'd like and having no impact on those I don't like really bothers me. I also had some long-distance dating experiences that showed me the problems with building foundations of a relationship long-distance and online.

If I can give anyone advice on dating long-distance - at some point in the online relationship, before you invest the time and money to meet, you really need to webcam. I say that for a couple reasons - a) you need to be familiar with each other's nonverbal communication and energy and b) you need to see if there's chemistry over and above the intellectual attraction. Short of that you meet eachother and the lack of such preparation and ground work hits you like a ton of bricks.

That said - if anyone does find me interesting or attractive, I need to say it up front - I'm slow-burn. Best way for us to kick something off is talking about mutual interests and enjoying each other's company in those conversations. I'm in the mid-west US near the great lakes, will be turning 40 this year, and so it's probably best - if long distance - to stay within 500 to 1,000 miles.

I wish the best to everyone on here trying to date. It's not easy. Finding people who not only have compatible temperaments but can also can roll with your life changes, are flexible enough to buffer your oddities and you have the flexibility to buffer theirs - it's not easy. Keep up the good work and hopefully even if nothing pans out know that you're among hundreds of thousands, even more, who are in the same boat and that you're never alone in the profound sense of the word.


I like your honesty a lot, but as a woman who absolutely hates ghosting, as I'm sure do most people, what can you promise to those women that would make them believe you are worth investing time in, especially a lot of time as you are "slow-burn" as you put it? You might want to add something there.

It's interesting that you took that approach (ghosting) after a lot of rejection. It's sad, really, that you went through that.

FTR...Though I have issues, when I give advice to people on here it's to help them, not make out I'm an angel.



techstepgenr8tion
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23 Jul 2019, 6:44 am

smudge wrote:
I like your honesty a lot, but as a woman who absolutely hates ghosting, as I'm sure do most people, what can you promise to those women that would make them believe you are worth investing time in, especially a lot of time as you are "slow-burn" as you put it? You might want to add something there.

In a way I think it has something to do with asymmetries of information, like feeling I'm in a position where I don't know the rules at all or where a lot has blind-sided me.

One of the things I clearly need to do is not just get to know people by text - ie. you need to get a read of energy, body language, etc. as well as hear their voice. Having a high-quality pen pal is a blessing, especially someone who you can talk about almost anything with, however sometimes it's better for things to be kept in that zone if distance is already prohibitive and you love who that person is so much that you'd never want to pull their chain.

I think the other assurance - actually talking through these things a little rather than just holding them in my head.

I would add - I'm at least glad, close to ten years later, I have a much more thorough grasp on just how much sway Darwinian evolution has on all of this (heck, culturally that's gone off the walls on the outside). I think that's taken me, at deeper emotional levels, to a more realistic place that I don't think I was in during my 20's.


_________________
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smudge
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23 Jul 2019, 12:23 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
smudge wrote:
I like your honesty a lot, but as a woman who absolutely hates ghosting, as I'm sure do most people, what can you promise to those women that would make them believe you are worth investing time in, especially a lot of time as you are "slow-burn" as you put it? You might want to add something there.

In a way I think it has something to do with asymmetries of information, like feeling I'm in a position where I don't know the rules at all or where a lot has blind-sided me.

One of the things I clearly need to do is not just get to know people by text - ie. you need to get a read of energy, body language, etc. as well as hear their voice. Having a high-quality pen pal is a blessing, especially someone who you can talk about almost anything with, however sometimes it's better for things to be kept in that zone if distance is already prohibitive and you love who that person is so much that you'd never want to pull their chain.

I think the other assurance - actually talking through these things a little rather than just holding them in my head.

I would add - I'm at least glad, close to ten years later, I have a much more thorough grasp on just how much sway Darwinian evolution has on all of this (heck, culturally that's gone off the walls on the outside). I think that's taken me, at deeper emotional levels, to a more realistic place that I don't think I was in during my 20's.



Alright, but it still doesn't answer my question. :) It *looks* like to me you're hesitant about dating, and to be honest any woman reading that (OK, the stuff I put on here isn't much better, I feel hesitant too) wouldn't think about dating someone who would potentially ghost her even if you did like her. Again, I really admire your honesty in this.

I agree about knowing someone IRL, despite what I put in my last dating ad on here. I can't do long distance, in my experience it has never worked, and in all honesty, I don't deserve it. I think most people deserve better than that, but aspies like me have an advantage that others don't.

It's good to talk these things through, I agree, which is fair enough. Kind of dipping your toes in the water, to see if someone can convince you to date otherwise? Otherwise I presume you would not be posting it in here.



techstepgenr8tion
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23 Jul 2019, 1:24 pm

smudge wrote:
Alright, but it still doesn't answer my question. :) It *looks* like to me you're hesitant about dating, and to be honest any woman reading that (OK, the stuff I put on here isn't much better, I feel hesitant too) wouldn't think about dating someone who would potentially ghost her even if you did like her.

Maybe I should clarify - these were Eharmony dates, I've never quite done that to anyone on here.

What I started to see, the pattern that I'd never want to let happen again, was that when I wasn't meeting the kind of person I wanted to and was feeling lonely I started letting the conversations go on, getting my fix sort of that way, and then meeting them, realized I'd underestimated certain things about them once I met them, really felt embarrassed and awful about what I'd done but also realizing that I was too choosy for where and who I was.

Having a very distinct personality, which comes with a lot of needs in the way of shared personality traits and being 'seen' on some level has been probably the biggest part of the challenge. Just about everyone has a looks threshold of interest but nonverbal chemistry, matching each other to that degree is critical and if that's missing even looks generally don't seal the deal. Add on top of all that - if looks and nonverbal is there but they can't 'see' you - it's really lonely and even the sex wouldn't make up the difference.

Suppose the only promise I could make is that I wouldn't willfully lead anyone on and, no matter what - if you within striking range of me it's because I like you, think highly of you, and I want our conversations to add value to your life in some way no matter what comes of things.

Also on the honesty - I think it's critical because I actually do far worse when I don't know the territory and I'd want the same in someone I was talking to who could even be like 'TBH - we might be having great conversations but if I meet you and the looks or your body language doesn't click it's not happening'. It's an easy process, ie. dating or trying to line up dates, to have a lot of anxiety over I think precisely because of something Jordan Peterson mentioned in passing - ie. you're sizing someone up on their genes, something they can't help, it's the fundamental of what the process is, and on some level accepting or rejecting what they're fundamentally made of a bit like 'I wouldn't personally help you get your genes into the next generation, but if you behave sure... I guess you can be in the same space with me'. In a culture without any integrity it's nearly impossible to make any of this work, and I think that's part of why far fewer people are dating - for one you really better be careful who you let in, and second it's as miserable to reject as it is to be rejected. Dating in the modern sense is also something of a new phenomena and for better or worse back in the 'old days' when you knew who you'd be marrying almost from childhood you weren't crushed under the weight of a hypothetical universe that's something like infinite better options superimposed in a Schrodinger-like manner over no options and permanent singlehood, the internet's amplified this, made the dating and relationships world quite mercenary, which makes even more people hesitant to step in. For the number of men and women 'going their own way' these days - I completely get it, and sadly we're losing some of our best and brightest.


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GDT
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01 May 2020, 12:29 pm

May as well put myself up here.

I'm 30 years old and male from the joyous UK. I'm looking for a female to just well, see where it goes. Chat and what not, if we end up not hitting it off maybe we could become friends? Who knows.

This bit is less searching for someone romantically but if anyone wants to just casually PM me about anything then by all means feel free to, especially in these odd and crazy times it's good to have people to talk to.



Barneyisme
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10 Jun 2020, 7:05 pm

what's the point? no one ever replies to these (honestly) and if they do its just for idle *chit chat*... but hey...

Barney here... real name graham, no one will reply but whatever...

38 years old - male - straight - looking for someone who *gets me* and loves to cuddle as much as i do... i am very open with my emotions (many think i am gay because of this)... i also *love* women... and i mean i love all of them (not all romantically ofc - maybe the right word is *simp*?)

I am sick of being so alone now (divorced back in 2014)... i just need someone to cuddle and be me with... if you want to PM me for more info then go for it... i am not going to discuss ALL that i am in a thread!



Barneyisme
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14 Jun 2020, 9:02 am

well i did updated my avatar with my photo - it shows on my profile, but not here <<<

and proven no one replies anymore ;)



Akigawa
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16 Jun 2020, 4:46 pm

27
male
Oregon, US

diagnoses:
Aspie, general anxiety disorder, Adhd, depression
Looking for:
Partner (femboy, female, or trans) with fixations similar to mine
interests:
Video games, Erotic art in most of its forms, kink, cartoons, anime, and most recently programming from the 90s and early 2000s (partially as study)


Discord: Riverface#7356

For pics of me, here's my instagram



StonkBoyTrader
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27 Jun 2020, 3:42 am

20
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Nashville, Tennessee
Diagnosed with - Aspergers (ASD)
Looking for - a female, maybe one of my own kind lol
Interest - Stocks & investing, Music, TV, 420 friendly
Job - UPS, Union, Investor



smudge
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27 Jun 2020, 6:50 am

The last few adverts are naff. Try harder if you're serious.



kraftiekortie
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27 Jun 2020, 7:11 am

Hey Barney, you would do better if you participated in other threads.

This particular thread is just an “introductory” sort of thread.

Frequently, people respond when you post in the “getting to know you” sub forum.



NickiMusic
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28 Jun 2020, 8:13 am

Hi

Im Nicki, 50, female, West Sussex UK.

My last relationship ended 7 months ago. I’ve always been a serial monogamist. But at the age of 50 I think I’m now giving up. I read earlier that someone said that they had been on E Harmony. I ditched all of those dating sites years ago. Do you know one of the first questions that people ask if you go to a neuro typical dating site? “And what do you do for a living”. And as soon as they know that I do not work they are gone. I won’t be going to any neuro typical dating sites again.

I don’t know how I have managed it because I’m so socially inept but I have been married three times. Each time we met and lived together right from the start which apparently is strange? Who cares.

But now at my age and with my extreme social deficits and preference to stay in I think my options are limited to one. Which is stay single Nicki. :lol: Sucks because I’m a partner person. :|



idntonkw
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13 Jul 2020, 4:34 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Just to put a word out there again:

I've had ups and downs, and for most of my 30's I've avoided dating like the plague. I think I avoided it primarily because I found that, after a youth filled with rather disastrous interactions with NT women (them liking my looks but then not liking my personality, on repeat to the point of damage), that when I tried meeting people on EHarmony it became really clear that if I wasn't completely attracted I got cold feet and sketched out, and yes - I'd pretty much ghost girls I'd gotten close to on a personal level and I hated myself for that.

The real ethical challenge for me is that if I'm getting close to someone it's because we like and respect each other, if it weren't that way then we wouldn't be talking to begin with. So the idea of actually hurting people who I'd like and having no impact on those I don't like really bothers me. I also had some long-distance dating experiences that showed me the problems with building foundations of a relationship long-distance and online.

If I can give anyone advice on dating long-distance - at some point in the online relationship, before you invest the time and money to meet, you really need to webcam. I say that for a couple reasons - a) you need to be familiar with each other's nonverbal communication and energy and b) you need to see if there's chemistry over and above the intellectual attraction. Short of that you meet eachother and the lack of such preparation and ground work hits you like a ton of bricks.

That said - if anyone does find me interesting or attractive, I need to say it up front - I'm slow-burn. Best way for us to kick something off is talking about mutual interests and enjoying each other's company in those conversations. I'm in the mid-west US near the great lakes, will be turning 40 this year, and so it's probably best - if long distance - to stay within 500 to 1,000 miles.

I wish the best to everyone on here trying to date. It's not easy. Finding people who not only have compatible temperaments but can also can roll with your life changes, are flexible enough to buffer your oddities and you have the flexibility to buffer theirs - it's not easy. Keep up the good work and hopefully even if nothing pans out know that you're among hundreds of thousands, even more, who are in the same boat and that you're never alone in the profound sense of the word.


"(them liking my looks but then not liking my personality, on repeat to the point of damage)" - that happened to me too! They liked my looks and were hoping there was a normal person behind the silence - nope, once I showed them my true self, they lost interest and/or got scared away.

About me - I am 33, have a job, worked for the past twelve years and lived alone, can drive, don't smoke or do drugs, like Indian movies, radio, NYT, news, sitting at cafes, walking around town. I'm looking for someone physically attractive - haha shallow me! - and also someone I can grow the tiny part of my personality that is like NT.



JulianSpringer
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15 Jul 2020, 6:32 pm

Thanks for sharing