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Polly1428
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21 Oct 2014, 6:39 pm

Hello all,

I've come here because various discussions on this site have already helped me to understand the situation I'm in, and I was wondering if people might be able to provide input if I wrote about it.

I fell in love with the handsomest, awkwardest, nicest, most intellectually brilliant man I had ever met at a company convention. But I liked him so much that I resisted his attempts to get me alone because, well, when your whole world is changing you can't think straight. He initially seemed hopeful but the last time (on the last day of said convention) he was talking to me and a friend, I interrupted him and said I had to go (which was true - I was in a hurry!)...and he looked as if I had punched him in the face. I thought I'd find him on Facebook afterwards, but no luck, and as he made no attempts to find me either, I just assumed he wasn't that into me. Still, though we live in different countries, I figured I'd see him at another convention sometime soon, so I didn't lose hope.

Recently I did see him again, and he was visibly flustered in my presence but he seemed to enjoy it. So I suggested we have coffee - as colleagues. Here the fun ended: we had the coffee, and he was nervous/staring at his feet/often silent; I can be quite socially awkward myself, so it wasn't exactly...basically the only time he looked genuinely happy was when we were saying goodbye at the end of it. I decided that not only was he not into me...he actually didn't even like me. So I sent him an email that made it clear that I was a professional acquaintance only (he seemed threatened by me, so what else could I do?).

After that he gave me the silent treatment for days, and in my hurt pride I did nothing to fix it. He made peace in the end, but by that stage I was emotionally worn out, and I let him leave without us talking properly to figure out what exactly happened. We haven't been in contact since then; I wanted to apologise, but even when I apologise for minor things he seems to take it as a personal affront.

Well, I've since found out that he has Aspergers, and suddenly many things make sense to me - the literal-mindedness, defensive attitude, etc. I care for him very deeply and I also know that I must have hurt him. What can I do? It's been a while now, but I still feel terrible about it. Do men with Aspergers enjoy the thrill of the chase? - I mean, should I just leave him alone and respect the fact that whether he tries again or not will reflect his wishes? Am I right in thinking that perhaps he is (or was) possibly still into me, or is that just my vanity interpreting things to my advantage?

Any opinions greatly appreciated, especially from men with Aspergers.
Oh - and he's 26; I'm a 25-year-old "neurotypical" female. The last thing he said to me was that we'd have to talk more the next time we saw each other.

P.S. For anyone on the Autism spectrum reading this, particularly men, please note the moral of this story - even if she doesn't seem to like you in that way, she might just be immature/insecure. :)



kraftiekortie
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21 Oct 2014, 7:07 pm

Well.....despite all that has transpired, it seems like there's still potential within this relationship, since this guy wants to "talk more" on a later date.



em_tsuj
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21 Oct 2014, 8:41 pm

I can't speak for every man with AS. I can only speak for myself. I refuse to chase after a woman. I am very straight up, and I kind of assume others are as well. So if I get rejected I assume that the person is not interested. I am not good at the give and take, trying to convince a woman to give me a chance. It's either yes or no. The only time a woman has a chance with me is if she literally says, "I am attracted to you." or "Would you like to go out on a date with me?" The woman has to pursue me because I cannot understand body language or flirting and I don't want to make a mistake. I have like a 100% rejection rate so I try to avoid it at all costs.

Something that every woman I have dated as an adult has told me is that I am hard to read or that they didn't know that I cared about them. I think this has to do with the way that I view things (black and white) and the way view things. I do not spend time with people who I do not have a strong connection with. If I spend time with someone voluntarily it is because I care about the person. I also am honest to a fault, so if I say that I care, I care. I don't think "normal" people are like this. They use body language to show how they feel and various forms of affection. I can't use the body language. I can only use my words because I have AS. Me not being able to use the body language prevents women I date (and pretty much everyone) from knowing how I feel about them.

The only solution I know of for people who interact with me is: be blunt and ask questions if you are unsure about my behavior.



aspiemike
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21 Oct 2014, 10:40 pm

A lot of young men in their early to mid-twenties with Aspergers are inexperienced in the courtship process and dating aspect. Some men date and are successful and others aren't. Many men don't get the kind of chances to date women and experience a loving relationship the way others due to differences in social understandings and communication. Things you are taught to believe based on your experience will be challenged as well if you pursue someone that is drastically different from the norm you are used to as well. Even how you learn to love someone may be challenged. My understanding of it is: understanding that you are not above a partner or below them, but serving that partner as they serve you as well.

Other aspects to understand is that there are many men (aspie or not doesn't matter, but it appears there have been a few of us on the forum that have been abused), that have also been emotionally manipulated by women and cheated and used and even abused. This is not a topic to bring up in a conversation with any men as they would more likely volunteer this information on their own if they trust you enough. Just like with any person, there is always underlying baggage and one has to figure out if they can deal with it or not.


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danothan24
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22 Oct 2014, 1:09 am

Obviously can't talk for everyone, but I would say in general, don't expect anyone on the spectrum to enjoy the chase. For me, it's not a "thrill", it's a nightmare. It's hard for me to be certain of what exactly people mean when they're being pretty straight forward; trying to work out the games is hellish. I know that most people aren't really comfortable being completely honest (or rather, blunt), but if you're serious I would just be completely honest with him about what you feel and what you want. If nothing else, he'd probably appreciate the clarification. NEVER assume with an aspie. I'd way rather have the annoyance of redundant clarifications than being completely lost, and I do think most would probably feel the same way.


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rdos
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22 Oct 2014, 3:58 am

As other's have pointed out, I would not chase women in the typical way. I might put down a lot of effort trying to meet somebody I'm in love with, but this doesn't include talking or approaching, only that I will try to meet her again if I know where she might be.

In your case it seems like he is interested, but that probably doesn't mean he will chase you, but possibly he might try to meet you again. Since you stated you had no romantic interest in him, I think you need to tell him that you do in some way, otherwise he might continue to assume you don't have an interest.



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22 Oct 2014, 5:48 am

Polly1428 wrote:
So I sent him an email that made it clear that I was a professional acquaintance only (he seemed threatened by me, so what else could I do?).



pretty much game over


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