Approaching people you don't know

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Veresae
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26 Mar 2007, 11:31 pm

I've noticed that I rarely have any oppertunities to get to know a lot of the people I find visually attractive (and there aren't many I've seen in real life). Oftentimes I'll only see them once, maybe twice. I won't say that I don't find someone I have class with attractive every so often, but usually the really hot ones are just people I see...like, once. On the train, or the bus, or somewhere outside. And each time it happens, I'm thinking, "Crap, I'll almost undoubtedly never see this person again, but I can't just...talk to them. Why won't they talk to me, damn it?" (For all I know they could be thinking the same thing, but I doubt that that's the case most of the time.) I mean, in my experience, most people find it creepy when strangers talk to them without being provoked by something they did or something like that. I wouldn't mind, but I'm odd.

So...is there any way to approach a total stranger that you know nothing about and not seem creepy?



Shale
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27 Mar 2007, 12:40 am

You're going to HATE me for this. You really are.

Look 'em right in the eyes. Catch them, hold them there for a split second. Give them a friendly, happy smile.

In NT language this means 'Hi, I've noticed you and I think I like you. Say something!'

:)

If they smile back, w00t. You're onto something. If they look away or freak out...meh, they're not worth it. They're not interested. If they say something...like 'hi', or even more...you've succeeded :)

If they just smile, try the tried and true... 'Hi', or 'Hey there'.

Yeah trust me, it takes guts to do this as an NT too...strangers are scary :?



Gamester
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27 Mar 2007, 12:45 am

I do that all the time, it's how one makes friends.

trust me.

I did this actually.......way back........in........January or Feburary....not sure which.....but I introduced myself to a prospective student who was looking to come to the school next term.

it doesn't matter to me if I see the person ever again, what I've done is show the person or people that they are coming into a friendly atmosphere where most likely anyone will want to make friends with them.

And last summer, this happened as well, only I was on the recieving end of it, and I've come across the girl again, we're now friends.


So you see, its all how you do it.


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calandale
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27 Mar 2007, 12:55 am

Shale wrote:
You're going to HATE me for this. You really are.

Look 'em right in the eyes. Catch them, hold them there for a split second. Give them a friendly, happy smile.

:?


I try this, and a look of terror often strikes them. For me, a smile is a warning that I am about to strike, and a stare is a direct challenge - somehow these translate so that people see this in me. Not all the times mind you, but often enough that I've learned not to do so.

There's also a moral issue for me, which is that although I would never consider being intimate with someone who is unattractive, I find it very hard to justify approaching someone on that basis. Unless some sort of spark flies between us (the 'good' eye contact perhaps) there is just no way that I could.



Gamester
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27 Mar 2007, 1:03 am

calandale wrote:
Shale wrote:
You're going to HATE me for this. You really are.

Look 'em right in the eyes. Catch them, hold them there for a split second. Give them a friendly, happy smile.

:?


I try this, and a look of terror often strikes them. For me, a smile is a warning that I am about to strike, and a stare is a direct challenge - somehow these translate so that people see this in me. Not all the times mind you, but often enough that I've learned not to do so.

There's also a moral issue for me, which is that although I would never consider being intimate with someone who is unattractive, I find it very hard to justify approaching someone on that basis. Unless some sort of spark flies between us (the 'good' eye contact perhaps) there is just no way that I could.


Moral issue? please Calandale, that's about as stuck up and snobbish as someone could ever say without saying that I'd never flirt with an ugly woman.

You wanna know something? it shouldn't matter whether she's ugly or pretty, good looking or not. It should matter where her heart is. That's what matters to me in dating and being friends with someone, looks never have and never will matter to me, because I'm not that shallow. Also, the question that can be asked next is how many times have you dated someone, that's not important, but as for eye contact...........eh, yes it's important.

I'm friends with tons of girls, many of which I will never date, reason being? not because their ugly, but because I look after too many of them, just asking about their day, cheering them up and whatnot. I don't play the field. I'm a gentlemen and a scholar, and that makes me a dangerous guy, becuase while I am a lover, and not a fighter, I took 8 years of karate/TaeKwonDo, and if someone does something to hurt a friend that I care about, male or female, not only are you gonna find me coming down on you, but I will not ever have mercy, I'm not a merciful person.

So all in all, that is how to be a friend to all, to be there for them, never caring if their ugly or not. but to be there because their friendship is of value and of meaing to you.


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Kezzstar
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27 Mar 2007, 1:33 am

Usually, I flee. I pretend not to notice them. Tuck my head down low and move on outta there! Cowardly, I know, but I work on my first instinct (run!) and say "D'oh!" later.

Then I went to dancing and I was forced to dance with a guy I thought was kinda cute. And well....I don't regret it!



calandale
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27 Mar 2007, 1:48 am

Gamester wrote:
calandale wrote:

There's also a moral issue for me, which is that although I would never consider being intimate with someone who is unattractive, I find it very hard to justify approaching someone on that basis. Unless some sort of spark flies between us (the 'good' eye contact perhaps) there is just no way that I could.


Moral issue? please Calandale, that's about as stuck up and snobbish as someone could ever say without saying that I'd never flirt with an ugly woman.

You wanna know something? it shouldn't matter whether she's ugly or pretty, good looking or not. It should matter where her heart is. That's what matters to me in dating and being friends with someone, looks never have and never will matter to me, because I'm not that shallow. Also, the question that can be asked next is how many times have you dated someone, that's not important, but as for eye contact...........eh, yes it's important.
So all in all, that is how to be a friend to all, to be there for them, never caring if their ugly or not. but to be there because their friendship is of value and of meaing to you.


Wow, you totally misread my statement, didn't you? I have no trouble whatsoever flirting with someone I'm uninterested in. Yes, I'm shallow in my choice of sex partners (though not as shallow as you think - I would also not be able to handle someone who does not satisfy me emotionally or intellectually), in the sense that I MUST find someone physically attractive. I find this no different than me preference for females over males; I'm attracted to a limited spectrum of bodies/faces/genders. Do I think that's right? I don't know - but it is simply the case for me. HOWEVER, when I see a person who is attractive to me, I feel that there is some smirch to my honor to approach them, when I don't approach others. Even though I might just be able to overcome my innate shyness in order to do so. THAT is the moral issue - and one which constantly seems to harm me.

The only times I've ever approached anyone for any reason was when they were talking about (or doing something with) a game that I'm interested in. In this day and age, that would amount to just about no one - outside of a few gaming conventions. Even then, the decision was always a tremendously difficult one to make.

So please, get off your high horse of sainthood with me. I'm not going to be the Mother Theresa of nookie; I'll leave that to Cross-eyed Mary if you please. There are people who have tastes that run very different from my own, and I expect that there is some good match for anyone. I know that my own appearances don't match everyone's taste, and I wouldn't expect that everyone matches mine.

Kezzstar wrote:
Then I went to dancing and I was forced to dance with a guy I thought was kinda cute. And well....I don't regret it!


Forced to dance with someone? Ah, how I'd hate that. I'm glad you lucked out though.



Graelwyn
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27 Mar 2007, 3:17 am

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You wanna know something? it shouldn't matter whether she's ugly or pretty, good looking or not. It should matter where her heart is. That's what matters to me in dating and being friends with someone, looks never have and never will matter to me, because I'm not that shallow. Also, the question that can be asked next is how many times have you dated someone, that's not important, but as for eye contact...........eh, yes it's important.

I'm friends with tons of girls, many of which I will never date, reason being? not because their ugly, but because I look after too many of them, just asking about their day, cheering them up and whatnot. I don't play the field. I'm a gentlemen and a scholar, and that makes me a dangerous guy, becuase while I am a lover, and not a fighter, I took 8 years of karate/TaeKwonDo, and if someone does something to hurt a friend that I care about, male or female, not only are you gonna find me coming down on you, but I will not ever have mercy, I'm not a merciful person.

So all in all, that is how to be a friend to all, to be there for them, never caring if their ugly or not. but to be there because their friendship is of value and of meaing to you.


I like you. Your friends are lucky to have you. I do not usually say that sort of thing, it doesn't come easily, but well, you certainly are a gentleman and an honourable one at that. I am glad there are still a few out there as I had believed them to be extinct.

As to approaching people... I tend not to. I will look and dream and mourn, but not approach someone I feel drawn to...because on the few occasions I have summoned up the courage, I have been rejected for trying. When I wish to get to know someone, sadly, I use means that are not understood these days...letters, poems, song words on t-shirts, notes left in places. I cannot go up to someone and just introduce myself and all of that. And I have no idea how to flirt...only how to hover and watch from a distance.


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Kosmonaut
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27 Mar 2007, 3:57 am

Shale wrote:

Look 'em right in the eyes. Catch them, hold them there for a split second. Give them a friendly, happy smile.

In NT language this means 'Hi, I've noticed you and I think I like you. Say something!'


What it really means is, 'Hi, i'm a guy, you're a girl and there is a possibilty we could f**k.'
The rest is incidental.

As for approaching; you need to think of something to say. Anything, it does not really matter.
If you find that you are freaking people out, a 'disarming' phrase to say is "it's just that ...".

eg. You notice someone in the fruit & veg shop.
You approach and say.. "Hi, it's just that....i was looking at these melons. Do you know how to tell when they are ripe?"

And approach from a 45 degree angle. Head on may be a confrontational and from the side she may not notice. You need something imbetween. (Clearly, from behind and tapping her shoulder or slapping her arse may freak her out.)



Veresae
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27 Mar 2007, 5:52 pm

Shale wrote:
You're going to HATE me for this. You really are.

Look 'em right in the eyes. Catch them, hold them there for a split second. Give them a friendly, happy smile.

In NT language this means 'Hi, I've noticed you and I think I like you. Say something!'

:)

If they smile back, w00t. You're onto something. If they look away or freak out...meh, they're not worth it. They're not interested. If they say something...like 'hi', or even more...you've succeeded :)

If they just smile, try the tried and true... 'Hi', or 'Hey there'.

Yeah trust me, it takes guts to do this as an NT too...strangers are scary :?


Heh. Thanks, and no, I don't hate you for it. But what if you're behind them, and the only way to get them to see you would be to move in front of them? Would that be going too far? Or if you're in front of them and you'd have to turn around to face them? A lot of this happens when I'm on the bus or train or something, so...


Kosmonaut wrote:
What it really means is, 'Hi, i'm a guy, you're a girl and there is a possibilty we could f**k.'
The rest is incidental.

As for approaching; you need to think of something to say. Anything, it does not really matter.
If you find that you are freaking people out, a 'disarming' phrase to say is "it's just that ...".

eg. You notice someone in the fruit & veg shop.
You approach and say.. "Hi, it's just that....i was looking at these melons. Do you know how to tell when they are ripe?"

And approach from a 45 degree angle. Head on may be a confrontational and from the side she may not notice. You need something imbetween. (Clearly, from behind and tapping her shoulder or slapping her arse may freak her out.)


Not everyone approaches people for sex. I wouldn't want sex with someone I had never met, even if she was extremely hot.


I think I feel odd approaching people because I don't like judging them based on their appearance, especially in the area of relationships and romantic attraction because so much of that is based on personality for me. I talk a lot about how I like goth girls here, and I know that for many of them it TENDS to be easier to judge their personality by the way they dress than it is for some other people, but that doesn't justify it. It's like saying, "You're kinda hot and I like the way you dress so I hope I'll like your personality and you won't totally hate me or find me creepy." And that's not an attitude I want to have.



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27 Mar 2007, 7:54 pm

Hm...if you're behind someone, coming alongside them is probably a better idea. It's often more personal too. If you're just standing around and things are moving slowly, it's probably better to approach from an angle rather than head-on. If someone's passing by though, it's really the only way to do it since you're walking in different directions! :lol:

As far as looking someone in the face for sex...nah. Not to NTs anyway. Someone stared me in the face and smiled nicely, I'd smile back and initiate a conversation. I'm a weird one, particularly friendly...I love meeting random people. Smile right at me and I'll talk to you. :D



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27 Mar 2007, 8:14 pm

Just hope they aren't another Aspie. If anyone moves near me, I back away and won't look at them anyway. If they talk to me, I freeze, then leave. I do mean literally leave. It completely freaks me out if a stranger talks to me or moves near me. Forget what they say because I won't even register that.

I usually meet people throught people I already know or because of a common interest. If they talk to me about the thing we are both interested in while we're in that setting, then I will respond, about the interest. But, it can't get personal or I'll back off. It takes me a long time to warm up to people.



Kosmonaut
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28 Mar 2007, 4:32 am

Veresae wrote:

Not everyone approaches people for sex.


I never said they did. I was merely talking about eye-contact.
When you hold someones eye-contact for slightly longer than is usual,
then what this means to NTs is that 'we are of opposite sex, f*****g could be a possibilty'.
Intentions on approach are irrelevant.

Your original post was asking about how to approach visually attractive people.
Forgive me for thinking it was about sex, but i can see no other reason for approaching visually attractive people.
eg. If you are lost and want to ask for directions, then why does it matter if you find them 'visually attractive' ?



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28 Mar 2007, 4:36 am

Kosmonaut wrote:
Veresae wrote:

Not everyone approaches people for sex.


I never said they did. I was merely talking about eye-contact.
When you hold someones eye-contact for slightly longer than is usual,
then what this means to NTs is that 'we are of opposite sex, f***ing could be a possibilty'.
Intentions on approach are irrelevant.??


Often, when I do, they interpret it as "is ready to attack"



Kosmonaut
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28 Mar 2007, 5:04 am

calandale wrote:
Kosmonaut wrote:
Veresae wrote:

Not everyone approaches people for sex.


I never said they did. I was merely talking about eye-contact.
When you hold someones eye-contact for slightly longer than is usual,
then what this means to NTs is that 'we are of opposite sex, f***ing could be a possibilty'.
Intentions on approach are irrelevant.??


Often, when I do, they interpret it as "is ready to attack"


:lol: Yes, that's another alternative.



Veresae
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28 Mar 2007, 3:54 pm

Kosmonaut wrote:
I never said they did. I was merely talking about eye-contact.
When you hold someones eye-contact for slightly longer than is usual,
then what this means to NTs is that 'we are of opposite sex, f***ing could be a possibilty'.
Intentions on approach are irrelevant.


Sorry, I was confused. I don't necessarily agree though--staring doesn't always imply sexual interest. Some people may get that impression, but not everyone does.

Kosmonaut wrote:
Your original post was asking about how to approach visually attractive people.
Forgive me for thinking it was about sex, but i can see no other reason for approaching visually attractive people.
eg. If you are lost and want to ask for directions, then why does it matter if you find them 'visually attractive' ?


If someone's visually attractive and I get to know them and like their personality and they like me then there's potential for a relationship. Sex isn't the first thing that comes to mind when I think about having a relationship; I'm more of a romantic. But physical appearance does play a role in who I become romantically attracted to, even if it's not as important as personality to me. The fact is that most people I DO ever get to know the personalities of (or even have the oppertunities to get to know) aren't really physically attractive to me, which makes it even more difficult to approach them about romantic matters because there's less motivation--though it still hurts if they turn me down (and they always do). So, whenever there is someone I see and actually think, "Wow, they're hot," then I can only hope that I'll get the oppertunity to get to know them and find out whether or not I like their personality and whether they have any feelings for me--but it never happens because such an oppertunity never comes.

Also, I'd prefer to be in a relationship with someone who was into the same music as me. To be blunt, a lot of people who like the same kind of music as me (gothic, industiral, metal, etc.) dress gothic, and there are so few people who have that taste in music where I live, and also so few people who dress gothic (the style that I also find the most attractive), and most of the gothic girls that ARE here are extremely out of shape. So whenever I see a hot goth girl and I don't get the chance to actually talk to her (which is like EVERY TIME), it's depressing.